Posts Tagged ‘Unassociated Press’

Clinton weighs in on “it’s a small world”

Thursday, May 1st, 2008

A reader sent us the following, obviously completely authentic, information:

I am a writer for the Unassociated Press, and on behalf of our staff am sending you this new press release on a developing story coming out of the Clinton campaign regarding the proposed It’s A Small World additions that I would like for you to post on your site to share with your readers.


Clinton responds to preposterous It’s A Small World character additions, makes explosive Eisner-Obama claims

By Allen Lootz

INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. (UP) — In response to the overwhelming amount of negative responses towards the proposed It’s A Small World character additions, Hillary Clinton has decided to make this one of the most important issues to her in her ongoing 2008 presidential campaign.

“I think the proposed additions to the classic It’s A Small World attraction are ridiculous, and it will be one of my top priorities as president to stop evil corporations from ruining classic Disney attractions,” said Clinton in an official statement released Thursday evening. “Senator Obama does not care about this issue, and instead is making ludicrous focuses on miniscule things such as the economy and the war in Iraq.”

Some political analysts are theorizing that Clinton is against these additions simply because in the proposed Bosnia scene rumored to be replacing the rainforest scene, Hillary Clinton will be seen as an It’s A Small World doll under attack by sniper fire alongside happy Bosnian children singing the popular “It’s A Small World” tune in their native tongue. Other campaign insiders are reporting that this is a last resort for Clinton to win the pivotal upcoming primaries in Indiana and North Carolina, states with families known to visit Disney Parks in record numbers, and in the long run, win two big states home to Disney Parks — California and Florida.

Clinton is also making controversial claims that Barack Obama has secret ties with Micheal Eisner and the people at Walt Disney Imagineering, and is responsible for the proposed It’s A Small World additions. “Senator Obama lived 5 houses away from an imagineer responsible for these preposterous additions, and the satanic Michael Eisner has been known to have close ties with Obama’s distant cousin Brad Pitt, leading me and my campaign to believe that he is responsible” said Clinton in an Indianapolis press conference. “Although it hasn’t been proven, I’m sure Senator Obama’s pastor Reverend Jeremiah Wright has also praised additions of Disney characters to It’s A Small World in one of his sermons,” she added.

ABC News has caught on to these claims by Clinton, urging the two democratic hopefuls to debate in a WWE-style wrestling match live in an ABC News prime time special. “We don’t care about the ‘issues’,” said ABC News’ Chief Washington Correspondent, George Stephanopoulos. “We just want to see what the people want, a civilized debate which ABC News has been previously known for — just with wrestling competitions between the candidates during the commercial breaks.” Viewers not in the studio audience to watch the wrestling candidates can later log on to ABC to view a special high definition video feed, which will also be available for purchase on iTunes.

An Obama spokesperson could not be reached for comment.

©2008 The Unassociated Press. All rights reserved.

This press release, released to the press for the first time through this blog, raises a number of important questions. For example, how is Michael Eisner involved with this decision so long after his tar-and-feather-filled exit from Disney? Why is ABC giving significant air time to criticism of its parent company? And why doesn’t the Unassociated Press — a prestigious institution that brought us such important news items as “Bill Clinton Dismayed as Electrical Parade Ends” and “Perot Defends Mr. Lincoln” — insist on incorrectly punctuating “it’s a small world”?

These are mysteries that we leave to you, our intelligent and discerning readers, to puzzle through.