“You have no idea how unsafe guests can be,” said Perry Winkle, fictional Disneyland management professional. “They dance atop trash cans, put their kids on stilts to get them past height restrictions, and barely get out of the way when chunks fly off of insect-themed parade vehicles. Despite the safety benefits, it would be cost prohibitive to relieve the park of guests. That is why we have begun the Disneyland Safety Performance Initiative.”

This initiative involves teaching cast members to work safety information into their characters. Haunted Mansion cast members, for example, already use safety-related dialog (e.g., “Drag your body to the dead center of the room, or the unstoppable closing doors may leave half your corpse behind.”)

Our Official Disney Lies Photo Correspondent caught sight of a pair of newly trained Indiana Jones cast members perform the “if you’re not at least this tall, you could end up like this” skit.

Hopefully, this will make us all much safer!