Disney Lies

There has been much speculation about how the acquisition of Marvel will impact Disney’s existing properties. “Disney fans won’t see any huge changes right away,” said Otto Octavius, who thinks he’s manager of Disney’s corporate branding integration department. “There might be comic books for sale in hotel lobbies, maybe a couple new characters subtly introduced into ‘it’s a small world’ in direct response to guest demands — that kind of thing.”

Based on these statements and various self-substantiated Internet rumors, we present our list of 10 things that will change once the Marvel acquisition is complete:

1. More Disney features involving accidental gamma-ray exposure.
2. Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, et al officially welcome Power Princess into their group; Wasp posthumously honored by Tinker Bell.
3. Zac Efron’s secret identity revealed!
4. Incredible Hulk required to wear a shirt and shoes.
5. G-Force and X-Men merge, and their leadership is assumed by Walt Disney himself (who it turns out did not die but rather, through a freak Imagineering accident, was transported to a permanent position in space-time and has been phasing in and out of the space-time continuum, appearing at random to inspire creative events throughout history until brought to the present by they psychic wave of relief released when Disneyland fans learned the California Adventure was finally going to be fixed).
6. Secret tunnels beneath Disneyland to be managed by Mole Man.
7. New TV series: House of Mouse Ultimate, featuring reworked, more modern, cutting-edge reimagingings of Mickey and his friends in a real-world setting.
8. All new Disney live-action films will have a humorous Stan Lee cameo.
9. New comic book series: Disney Zombies.
10. Massive increase in rent in properties on a certain “island of adventure”.