Posts Tagged ‘Jungle Cruise’

Juju Secrets: Juju #3 — Skipper Training

Friday, August 22nd, 2014

Asking the Adventure Trading Company to sign you up for Skipper Training gets you a small handbook that will help you study to take the official Jungle Cruise Skipper Exam.

Adventureland skipper handbook

Most of the information in the book is stuff you probably already know. For example, the main parts of a ship (crow’s deck, gangwayplank, bilgesprit, poopsail, etc.), the most numerous type of animal in the jungle (animatronic), and the minimum allowable humor score of a Jungle Cruise joke (zero).

When you are done studying, present yourself at the Jungle Cruise exit and take your final exam. The exam has three parts: taking a legally binding oath that includes references to undisclosed small print, paying a substantial “tuition fee,” and telling a Jungle Cruise-style joke.

For most guests, the third part is the most difficult. So that you don’t have to go through the stress of trying to come up with something, we have prepared a list of suitable jokes you can choose from:

  • What’s black and white and red all over? A “sleeping” zebra.
  • Why does a lion wear red suspenders? It ate a firefighter.
  • What has four wheels and flies? That jeep and whoever was trapped under it.
  • How do you stop a hippopotamus from charging? Shoot it.

Bonus joke (for experts only):

  • Why does Africa have a veldt? To keep its vandts up.

Passing the test earns you a Tooth juju. The tooth is similar to that encountered in the last moments of many an adventurer who thought a tiger couldn’t harm them because it was only 10 feet away.

Disney Trivia Quiz

Friday, June 20th, 2014

What significant change was made to the Jungle Cruise attraction when the Indiana Jones attraction was being built?

a) The river was lengthened so that the attraction’s duration in seconds was identical to the Indiana Jones trilogy’s run time in minutes.

b) At the point where an anaconda in a tree is seen, a very forced “why did it have to be snakes” joke was shoehorned into the spiel.

c) Added scene where hippo attacks the boat with jaws full of gigantic teeth and the skipper just shoots it.

d) The shrunken head held by Trader Sam got a tiny hat and whip.


Answer coming tomorrow! (approximately)

(Answer to yesterday’s question: a) The American Psychiatric Association)

On the Jingle Cruise

Wednesday, December 18th, 2013

Our intention had been to post a bunch of photos from the new Jingle Cruise at Disneyland, but it turns out that it’s very difficult to take photos from a moving boat usingĀ  a Polaroid camera you got for high school graduation in 1984. This means that we were unable to photograph many of the features of the redecorated cruise, including:

  • The various reindeer hiding in the bushes throughout the attraction (be sure to visit at night for a better view of Rudolph).
  • “Santa’s camp” where gorillas tear presents apart next to an overturned sleigh (which explains how all the reindeer got away).
  • The hilarious scene of a rhinoceros with a Christmas angel on the end of his horn chasing Santa and his elves up a tree.
  • The carol-singing pirannah.
  • The trader at the end of the attraction selling shaved cocoanuts painted to look like Jack Skellington’s head.

We did, however, get a nice picture of this gorilla…


…who is breaking open a case of banana fruitcake, and these giraffes…


…who definitely have the spirit of the season!

Jingle Cruise!

Monday, December 16th, 2013

Disneyland spared only a certain amount of expense on this year’s transformation of the Jungle Cruise into the generic-winter-holiday-but-mostly-Christmas-themed Jingle Cruise. Today, we are going to share a few photos of the merriment added to the attraction’s queue, and we’ll show you some of the elements from within the actual attraction in a couple of days.

The first thing that many guests will notice is that the Jingle Cruise is not in Adventureland, it’s in Advent Land! It’s amazing how much theming can be done by just nailing up a few boards.

Jingle Cruise sign

Another simple holiday change, the attraction’s upper-level exit lights are now a holiday-appropriate red and green, instead of just the stodgy, Scroogey, legally required red.

Jingle Cruise signs

While we’re upstairs, let’s take a look at the animatronic bird above the stairs. He is certainly ready for the holiday!

Jingle Cruise bird

Many items were added to the ground floor of the queue as well. Our favorite was these packages:

Jingle Cruise packages

They’re all addressed as gifts and sport snazzy Albert Schweitzer stamps (named for that famous postal worker, Dr. Albert Stamp). You can even peel back a corner to see the back side of postage!

That’s all for now. See you on Wednesday with more photos!

The first annual Disneyland Jingle Cruise is coming!

Friday, October 25th, 2013

This year, for the first time ever, Disneyland will be doing a holiday overlay of the world-famous Jungle Cruise. The “Jingle Cruise” will have many Christmas-themed show elements, including:

  • Christmas songs playing in the queue (“I Sank Three Ships,” “The Little Skipper Boy,” “Winter Jungleland,” “Tarzan Got Run Over by a Reindeer,” “I Saw Monkeys Kissing Santa Claus”)
  • Seasonally renamed boats (Figgy Pudding, Secret Santa, Jingle Belle, The Caganer)
  • Skippers dressed in itchy hand-made sweaters.
  • Peppermint-scented jungle water.
  • Jungle mist replaced by Christmist.
  • Temple ruins covered in twinkly lights.
  • Giant nutcracker Ganesha.
  • Elephant squirts trunkfulls of eggnog at boat.
  • Gorilla with gun collecting for the Salvation Army.
  • All giraffes draped in tinsel.
  • Over in a corner somewhere there’s a toucan with a dreidel.
  • Bamboo forest painted with red and white stripes.
  • Charging hippo chased away with traditional British Christmas cracker.
  • Beautiful bows on all human skulls.
  • Hungry piranha replaced by flailing, drowning elves.

The attraction’s script has also been rewritten for the holidays. Some highlights:

  • “There are usually three king cobras here: one with gold, one with frankincense, and — you’d better look in the water for the third, he likes to hang out with the myrrh-maids.”
  • “This waterfall was named Summer because it’s fed by a mountain spring named for winter, giving us what we call Winter Spring Summer Falls.”
  • “Here’s a unique sight — an enormous African elephant dressed for the season in a Santa Claus outfit. And on the right, another unique sight — an enormous African elephant dressed for the season in a Santa Claus outfit.”
  • “And that, dear friends, is why a zebra should never bring a lion fruitcake.”
  • “On the first day of Christmas my rhino gave to me, explorers in a dead tree.”
  • “Look out! The natives I gave spears to are regifting!”
  • “And now the moment you’ve all been waiting for — the back side of Winter!”
  • “The python has hung out mistletoe, but don’t be fooled — he wants a hug, not a kiss.”
  • “I see that poor Trader Sam’s Christmas budget is still shrinking.”
  • “There’s the dock up ahead, so make like a Christmas gift and prepare to be returned.”

Weird Al: The Interview

Thursday, July 16th, 2009

Reaction among the Disneyland faithful to Weird “Al” Yankovic’s Jungle-Cruise-themed new song “Skipper Dan” has been both intense and varied. To get the inside scoop, we phoned the sole Vegetarian Times subscriber named Al, and after establishing our identity and confirming that the person we were speaking with was indeed weird, conducted the following interview:

DisneyLies: Congratulations, Al, on the release of your new song “Skipper Dan.”

Weird Al: Thank you. We’re all very excited around here.

DL: Where did you get the inspiration for the song?

WA: It’s pretty much a true story. I was in group therapy for years trying to get over my addiction to potatoes, and I met this guy who is essentially the guy in the song. He was really, really depressed. I did change his name to “Dan Pantsworth” from “John Lasseter” for the song, so that nobody’d ever guess it was really about him. The poor guy was so talented, and there he was stuck on the Jungle Cruise. Sometimes, I still wonder what happened to him.

DL: We understand that some Disneyland fans have been less than thrilled with your portrayal of Jungle Cruise skippers as, quoting from an anonymous source claiming to be you, “a bunch of wannabe losers in bad pants and funny hats with impotent hippo guns.” What makes you think that the Jungle Cruise hippos are impotent?

WA: I don’t think —

DL: Then you should be more careful what you say. When did you first realize that Disney fans weren’t going to take this lying down?

WA: I guess it was when they burned my house down. That was a hint. Then there was the picketing, the effigies, the bonfire burnings of computers that had downloaded the song — the evidence just kept adding up.

DL: And how does that make you feel?

WA: At the moment, homeless.

DL: How is this going to change your future musical plans?

WA: It really won’t. “Skipper Dan” is part of a four-song project I’m calling Internet Leakland. This is going to be four songs released digitally over the course of the summer. There’s “Dan,” of course. Then there’s “Tiki! Tiki! Tiki!” which is a Tiki Room-themed parody of the Byrds song “Turn! Turn! Turn!” After that is a song about a guy who takes the Lincoln robot home, called “People Let Me Tell You ‘Bout My Pres Friend.” It closes in August with “it’s a mind-numbingly repetitive song after all,” which, I have to say, really captures the horror of a certain attraction filled with dolls of children.

DL: And Disney characters.

WA: Don’t remind me.

DL: You’re kind of new on the Disney-humor scene. How do you feel about more established Disney humor bands like Edison Square and The Copyright Infringers?

WA: I really enjoy Edison Square’s stuff, amateurish as it is, and I think I can say with complete sincerity that I will crush them if they get in my way. The Copyright Infringers are still hiding out in Argentina, aren’t they? They’re not even on my radar.

DL: Any last words for our readers before we wrap this up?

WA: Sure. I hope you can accept my work in the spirit of happiness and humor in which it was intended and stop sending hate letters and ticking packages to my family and friends. I really love Disneyland, even though it’s never been the same since Steve Martin left.

DL: Thank you, Al.

WA: You’re paying me for this, right?

Skipper Dan

Tuesday, July 14th, 2009

Today, Weird Al Yankovic’s song “Skipper Dan” was released. It’s a tribute to Disneyland’s Jungle Cruise, and though we appreciate the thought, the song is marred by several inaccuracies. Namely:

  • The Jungle Cruise isn’t a ride — it’s an attraction.
  • The Jungle Cruise’s jokes aren’t “lame,” they’re “classic”.
  • He horribly, horribly mangles the classic “back side of water” joke.

What a tragic disappointment. We suggest that you go to iTunes immediately, buy a couple copies of the song, and lodge your complaints.

Jungle Cruise hidden Lincoln

Monday, May 12th, 2008

Jungle Cruise hidden Lincoln

Our Official Disney Lies Photo Correspondent has spotted yet another Hidden Lincoln at Disneyland! This one is in the Jungle Cruise attraction. Near the end of the ride, you can just make out one fish that is dressed like Honest Abe?

Remember, if you see a Hidden Lincoln at Disneyland, send us a photo!