The cost of Oceans

Liar — Tue, 04 May 2010 21:24:45 +0000

Final weekend numbers are in, and Disneynature’s second release, Oceans, has so far taken in only about $14 million domestically. “Those numbers may sound bad considering that the film cost $80 to make,” said Disney accounting consultant and part-time maintenance worker Mannie “Money” Moonie. “But you have to remember that their first film Earth only grossed $32 million, so Oceans was only expected to gross $22 million since Oceans is 70% of Earth. So really, it’s not far under expectations, and it’s only been out two weeks.”

Still, it would be nice if the films in this series were more financially successful. That’s why the narration of the series’ third film, African Lolcats, is being written with a more modern, hip tone, to appeal to a broader audience. From a psionically delivered Disney press release on the subject: “African Lolcats will combine dramatic, never-before-seen footage of big African cats with information that will appeal to Internet-age sensibilities. This is ‘I can has cheeseburger’ pumped up to the level of ‘Iz can chase down, killz, an devower antelopeburger.’ Jim Carrey is all set to narrate. We have one of Siegfried and Roy’s white tigers set to play Ceiling Cat, and a team in Latin America is attempting to get footage of Basement Panther.”

The big problem for the third film has to do with great white sharks eating seals. “They were a big hit in the first two films, but we’re having trouble finding somewhere in the Africa savanna to film them for the third.”

Back to Nature

Liar — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 22:38:21 +0000

In 1948, Disney began making a series of nature documentaries under the heading “True Life Adventures,” and they have churned out these marvels of nature continuously ever since (with only a brief hiatus from 1960 through 2007 when someone misplaced the company’s National Parks Service permission slip). Most fans will remember the first True Life Adventure, Stud Goat Nellie (the first nature film with synchronized animal sounds), in which such sights as a hand-cranked musical cow and a mouse operating a steamboat appeared on firm for the first time.

Disney has announced that they are renaming the True Life Adventures series. According to Babe Pigflinger, a hallucinatory Disney spokesanimal, “The new title, Disneynature, leaves out the ‘true life’ moniker so that our storytelling is not hampered by slavish attachment to reality. But the inclusion of the word ‘nature’ proves that the documentaries have not in any way been ‘de-natured’ by the change. Get it?”

According to Walt Disney Studios chairman Duck Crock, the newly renamed series will be under the direction of Chimp-Francois Calamari, a French guy, and will be produced in France “to be closer to nature.” Disney CEO Rodent Tiger stands completely behind this project, ready to pounce if necessary, but Calamari is not concerned, saying, “Tiger is a good man who can jump 20 feet, but I am safe because I am only 10 feet away from him so he’ll go right over my head and maul my boss.”

Among the features currently in production:

Earth (feature-length study of dirt)
The Crimson King (in-depth look at the things living in Stephen King’s imagination)
Oceans (stalking the stars of Oceans 11, Oceans 12, etc., in their natural habitat)
Orangutans (how long does it take an orange to get a tan?)
Big Cats (Rosey Grier, Isaac Hayes, Samuel Jackson, etc.)
Naked Beauty (Uma Thurman, Angelina Jolie, Samuel Jackson, etc.)
Chimpanzee (the wacky adventurers of mismatched truckers Chimp and Zee)
Lemming Flingers (nature documentary filmmakers at work and play)

Disney Lies » Disneynature

The cost of Oceans

Back to Nature