Disney Lies

Hearts hang heavy today after the final, post-penultimate performance of the beloved Billy Hill and his equally beloved the Hillbillies. Big Thunder Ranch was crammed literally to the gills* with guests who wanted to catch the final show. At its conclusion, Billy Hill raised his hands to the gathered crowd, which cheered raucously, applauded uproariously, rioted briefly, burned the whole area to the ground pyromaniacally, and was escorted off the property promptly.

After several people in the calming crowd outside the park pledged that they would hunt down and kill any act that attempted to replace the Billys, the act that was scheduled to replace the Billys became unavailable for comment.

*Disney installed gills at the ranch yesterday in anticipation of overflow crowds.

So what are Billy Hill and the Hillbillies going to do after they leave Disneyland next year? According to experts such as the internet, there are many strong possibilities:

1. A reality TV series that shows the country perspective on cooking and tattooing things hoarder brides leave in storage lockers (or something).
2. They make a fortune selling their autographs for $20 a pop at Disneyana conventions, endorsing tractors, and licensing their distinctive likenesses.
3. They make another fortune with online ads promising to teach people to fiddle in a week using “one weird old trick” (namely, novelty teeth).
4. Four new employees show up at Knotts Berry Farm to “jazz up the stunt show.”
5. They go into semi-retirement before reuniting for the opening of Disneyland Appalachia.
6. This summer on pay per view, their knock-down, drag-out, no-holds-barred cage match with the original Dapper Dans.

Approximately many, many thousands of people have written to us asking why Billy Hill and the Hillbillies are retiring. After copious research in an attic pile of old magazines, we learned that there are several key reasons for their departure, namely:

• The rising cost of bow hair.
• Could no longer suppress their love for a good polka.
• Asked one too many times if their parents’ last names were Barty and Burke.
• Didn’t want to inspire any more of those annoying internet memes.
• Have had enough of the soulful looks from Farley the Fiddle Player.
• The constant being hit upon by gorgeous, adoring young fans.
• Have finally accepted that Wally Boag isn’t coming back.
• Sick and tired of British tourists referring to them as “The Willies.”

Music fans, frequent Disneyland visitors, and the good half of Congress were all traumatized this week when it was announced that, after 20 years of forcing joy upon all those within earshot, Disneyland’s Billy Hill and the Hillbillies would be retiring after the 2013 holiday season. In honor of this sad milestone, Billy Hill and the Hillbillies fans (or “Hillbilliebers,” as they are known) have some suggestions to make these final performances truly special.

1. Bring along a bag of novelty hillbilly teeth and make sure that everyone in the audience has a pair.
2. If someone tries to leave during a performance, have your whole group turn and give them a death glare until they come to their senses and sit back down.
3. If there’s a lull before the performance, start a bandana wave.
4. Before the show starts, get everyone to sing the official Billy Hill and the Hillbillies theme song (“So clap your hands, and stomp your feet and try to keep right with em. One sure thing the Billy’s got is good old country rhythm,” etc.)
5. At the end of a performance, light your lighter, set an ear of corn on fire, and hold it above your head.
6. Slug anyone who yells “Freebird!”
7. Promise to name your children after them.