Awesome Mix-up Vol. 1

August 4th, 2014

Earth music from the 1970s plays an important part in Guardians of the Galaxy. Throughout the film, Star-Lord (not his real name) plays music from a cassette tape given to him by his mother, titled “Awesome Mix Vol. 1.” (To be clear, this is the title of the tape, not Star-Lord’s mother.)

As a tie-in with the movie, Disney released a CD version of Awesome Mix Vol. 1, so that fans of the movie could recreate the experience of dancing to classic popular music while their girlfriends look at them like they’ve lost their mind. Unfortunately, the CD includes the Jackson 5 track “I Want You Back,” causing an uproar among fans.

A person with a rash from sitting too long at the computer and too much time on his hands explains:

In the film, which surely must serve as cannon for this issue, the Jackson 5 song “I Want You Back” is clearly seen as being part of Awesome Mix Vol. 2, not Vol. 1. It makes no logical sense for the mother of Peter Quill (his real name) to have put the song on both tapes, even if she really liked it, even though she had cancer. Also, did you notice that Quill’s mother was also in Captain America? That’s part of a whole sub plot that’s really obvious so I’m sure you don’t need me to go into details, but I will if you really need me to.

For the record, the official Awesome Mix Vol. 1 track listing is as follows:

  1. I Don’t Like Mondays (Boomtown Rats)
  2. In the Navy (Village People)
  3. You’re the One That I Want (Travolta/Newton-John)
  4. Kung Fu Fighting (Carl Douglas)
  5. School’s Out (Alice Cooper)
  6. Sugar, Sugar (The Archies)
  7. It’s a Sunshine Day (The Brady Bunch)
  8. Cold as Ice (Foreigner)
  9. I’m Alive (Electric Light Orchestra)
  10. Funky Town (Lipp’s Inc.)
  11. The Night Chicago Died (Paper Lace)
  12. Disco Inferno (The Trammps)
  13. The Hustle (Van McCoy)
  14. The Loco-Motion (Grand Funk Railroad)

Special Guardians screening

August 4th, 2014

Over the weekend, Disney held a special private screening of their new hit film Guardians of the Galaxy in the London Zoo’s raccoon habitat. Said an unlikely representative of the film’s producer Kevin Feige:

We did most of our filming in London, and we thought it only right that we screen the film for the wonderful, intelligent rodents who inspired one of the film’s standout characters, Rocket Raccoon.

For security and anti-piracy reasons, no humans were invited to either this screening or to a second private screening held in California for a stand of ancient redwoods.

A third screening was held for one of Rocket’s creator, Bill Mantlo, who is currently hospitalized.

Said a representative of the production company:

We thought that would be nice, too.

Happy Birthday, Disneyland!

July 17th, 2014

In honor of its 59th birthday today, Disneyland got itself a “Happy Birthday Disneyland” button at City Hall and wore it proudly. One entertaining side effect of this was that for the whole day cast members who noticed the button referred to Disneyland by name.

Rocketext

June 28th, 2014

The folks over at Texts From Superheroes use some kind of secret proprietary technology to intercept text message conversations between super-powered, supernatural, legendary, or otherwise notably heroic or villainic individuals. We were pleased to learn that they had stumbled across a conversation between Disney-fan favorites the Rocketeer and Captain America. They were fabulous enough to allow us to reproduce it here:

Texts from Superheroes

 

Fascinating! Now if they can just catch the Falcon chatting with Condorman (or maybe Darkwing Duck and Howard the Duck), we’d really have something!

Progress City

June 27th, 2014

We are fully in book publicity mode at the moment, but are taking some time off from busily not writing anything for the blog to let you know about a Kickstarter project for a new Disney-related book from some person whose blog we read but otherwise know nothing about, including secret details that only a committed stalker would know, because we don’t and perhaps wouldn’t want to.

The proposed book is called The Progress City Primer (see it on Kickstarter), and will contain none of the following:

  • An explanation of how Walt Disney could get people to lose weight with just one weird old trick.
  • Details of Disneyland’s never-build Monsanto Hall of Colonoscopies.
  • A biographical exploration of little-known Disney employees who somewhat aspired to be Imagineers but weren’t.
  • The secret history of Walt Disney World that they didn’t want you to hear! (Including juicy details of the never-built Condorman vs. Rocketeer Battle Coaster, the truth behind what happened to Animal Kingdom’s dragons, and why Avatar is way cooler than some dumb old wizard kid.)
  • A central 3D pop-up-book-style full-size recreation of Walt Disney’s original Epcot Center concept model.
  • An envelope full of cash (mostly twenties).

The author promises that the book will be hundreds of information-packed pages deep, contain photographs that will look wrong if viewed through a stereoscope, and be crammed with essays that have been added to, updated, or rewritten, often to the point that they have actually been replaced by completely new essays. He will also sign books if requested, or leave them blank so you can sign them yourself.

We don’t make any money off of the sales of this book, but we’re happily promoting it as part of the Disney fan community and in the hope that it will make the author feel guilty enough that he will post a link to That’s NOT At Disneyland! (currently 30% off) on his blog. Or something.

That’s NOT At Disneyland!

June 23rd, 2014

That's NOT At Disneyland!

It’s actual-announcement time at DisneyLies! Our new book, That’s NOT At Disneyland!, is now available to order. TNAD is sort of a photographic puzzle book, in which you can look at photos and descriptions of Disneyland locations that have been “modified” by DisneyLies’ own Horatio Liar. Can you figure out what’s real and what isn’t? Whether or not you can, it’s fun!

The book will be available at Amazon in the near future. For now, you can find it at Lulu for 30% off. Which is better than 10% more than 20% off!

Support independent publishing: Buy this book on Lulu.

Please run out and buy a copy to help us pay for our sainted mother’s eye operation*!

*Example used for promotional purposes only. Mother’s eye operation and/or sainthood do not necessarily exist.

Disney Trivia Quiz

June 20th, 2014

What significant change was made to the Jungle Cruise attraction when the Indiana Jones attraction was being built?

a) The river was lengthened so that the attraction’s duration in seconds was identical to the Indiana Jones trilogy’s run time in minutes.

b) At the point where an anaconda in a tree is seen, a very forced “why did it have to be snakes” joke was shoehorned into the spiel.

c) Added scene where hippo attacks the boat with jaws full of gigantic teeth and the skipper just shoots it.

d) The shrunken head held by Trader Sam got a tiny hat and whip.

 

Answer coming tomorrow! (approximately)

(Answer to yesterday’s question: a) The American Psychiatric Association)

Disney Trivia Quiz

June 19th, 2014

Who was the original sponsor of the “it’s a small world” attraction?

a) The American Communist Party

b) Joseph Stalin

c) Charles Manson

d) Pepsi

 

Answer coming tomorrow!

(Answer to yesterday’s question: b: Truth, justice, and the American way)

Disney Trivia Quiz

June 18th, 2014

EPCOT stands for:

a) Experimental Prototype Cot

b) Everything Probably Can Open Tomorrow

c) Elias’ Plastic Can of Tuna

d) Every Possible Character (Only Topiaries)

 

Answer coming tomorrow!

(Answer to yesterday’s question: c: Time travel)

Disneyland: Stop Using Dangerous Electron Streams in Space Mountain

June 17th, 2014

We at DisneyLies are very concerned about the following article which we reprint in its entirety without comment from what we’re claiming is the disneylandattractivefemale.com website.

Greetings, this is Vanessa Hotty, owner and writer at disneylandattractivefemale.com.

Everyone from President Richard Nixon to leaders of countries that aren’t Russia to anyone who has won a Superbowl have visited Disneyland for its purportedly “family friendly” and “magical” atmosphere.

Unfortunately, not only these people have been duped, but billions of people all over the world have been, too.

I discovered that many attractions at Disneyland, such as Space Mountain, contain a technological element referred to as electron streams. These are used in all the Space Mountains at Disney parks in America and around the world.

The electron streams at Disneyland are the same as those used in atomic weapons, communist dictatorships’ printing presses, and the electric chairs in federal penitentiaries. They are not supposed to be touched by people. And are most certainly not “magical”.

Disneyland is using this technological abomination to power special effects and lighting which allows them to run Space Mountain faster and cheaper than if everything were moved manually and lit with candles, but without caring a whit about these dangers and alarming thingies:

  • Electron streams can be found in lightning, one of nature’s most dangerous phenomena.
  • The U.S. uses electron streams to perform public executions, even though the death penalty has been illegal in Europe for decades.
  • A mad scientist and enemy of awesome genius Nicola Tesla once used streams of electrons to kill a poor, innocent elephant.
  • Electron streams often lead to the formation of magnetic fields which are used in junk yards to pick up cars and take them to be smashed.
  • A big-rig truck that contained enormous numbers of electrons in both its structure and cargo once hit a school bus and killed or injured dozens of innocent children (and possibly nuns and puppies).

I implore you to join me and demand that Disneyland remove electron streams from their attractions. Disneyland doesn’t have to go back to the drawing board. They can use live actors instead of electron-tainted Lincolns and hydraulics, pneumatics, and good-old elbow grease to launch their mountains into space and keep their non-electrocuted elephant rides spinning.

Disneyland is the best theme park company in the world. If Disneyland changes Space Mountain, we are convinced this could push other ride operators across the globe to finally banish this hazardous elemental force once and for all time.

As people who pay nearly $100 just to get in the gate, we deserve real magic — not electric chairs.