In honor of Cinco de Mayo, all Mexican-themed attractions in the Disneyland resort that have “Five” in their name will temporarily have the word “Cinco” instead. Enjoy!
Cinco de Mayo
May 5th, 2010Hurry over to eBay!!!
May 4th, 2010As all Disney fans know, the “Mickey loop” was recently removed from DCA’s California Screamin’ coaster. What you may not know is that Disney has put the Mickey loop up for sale on eBay!!! With free shipping!!! It’s a short auction and I didn’t notice it until just now. There are only a few hours left and the bidding is still only in the low three digits. Hurry and get your bid in immediately! Remember how sad you were when you lost out on your chance to bid on the entire contents of Superstar Limo? Or the tragedy of not hearing about the Orange Stinger “peel” auction until it was long gone? Don’t let another opportunity pass you by!!!
The cost of Oceans
May 4th, 2010Final weekend numbers are in, and Disneynature’s second release, Oceans, has so far taken in only about $14 million domestically. “Those numbers may sound bad considering that the film cost $80 to make,” said Disney accounting consultant and part-time maintenance worker Mannie “Money” Moonie. “But you have to remember that their first film Earth only grossed $32 million, so Oceans was only expected to gross $22 million since Oceans is 70% of Earth. So really, it’s not far under expectations, and it’s only been out two weeks.”
Still, it would be nice if the films in this series were more financially successful. That’s why the narration of the series’ third film, African Lolcats, is being written with a more modern, hip tone, to appeal to a broader audience. From a psionically delivered Disney press release on the subject: “African Lolcats will combine dramatic, never-before-seen footage of big African cats with information that will appeal to Internet-age sensibilities. This is ‘I can has cheeseburger’ pumped up to the level of ‘Iz can chase down, killz, an devower antelopeburger.’ Jim Carrey is all set to narrate. We have one of Siegfried and Roy’s white tigers set to play Ceiling Cat, and a team in Latin America is attempting to get footage of Basement Panther.”
The big problem for the third film has to do with great white sharks eating seals. “They were a big hit in the first two films, but we’re having trouble finding somewhere in the Africa savanna to film them for the third.”
A Jones for Music
May 4th, 2010This week’s performer at the Epcot “Flower Power” concert series is Davy Jones. As in previous years, Guest Services has brought on extra staff to handle the inrush of misinformed and disappointed Pirates of the Caribbean fans.
What’s in the river?
May 3rd, 2010There has been much talk of interesting things that were found when Disneyland’s Rivers of America were drained a few months ago for maintenance. Here, according to indisputable anonymous sources that we have neither met nor corresponded with, is a partial list of interesting things dredged up from the river bottom:
- Mud in assorted colors and flavors
- What remains of the Mark Twain Mark I, which sank on Disneyland’s opening day
- A bowling ball from the Haunted Mansion’s former subterranean bowling alley
- Indisputable proof that it was indeed a mischievous young Kurt Russell who set the settler’s cabin on fire (his parents have been notified)
- A coelacanth
- A duck with a snorkel
- Some 1.4 million cellphones, watches, wallets, and purses (these have been moved to the lost an found department where they can be claimed by their original owners — first come, first served)
- Enough loose change to finance the DCA renovation
- A crocodile with a banjo (possibly escaped from Splash Mountain)
- The remains of various union representatives
- Leeches. Barrels and barrels of leeches.
Refilling the river
May 3rd, 2010After four months of refurbishment — during which the canoe’s tracks were straightened and the riverbed was sifted for stray wallets — Disneyland’s Rivers of America is once again being filled. According to one random person nearby who happened to be wearing an official-looking hat, it’s a more difficult process than you might imaging.
“The actual filling with water isn’t that difficult,” said the person, who looked kind of like an engineer, “it’s just a matter of organizing a couple of bucket brigades to bring water from Pirates and Splash and dump it in the river. What is difficult to manage is the ducks. Every single duck — and there are hundreds of them — has to be individually raised on jacks as the river’s level rises or the poor things would drown. But the ducks are an important part of the river. If it weren’t for them, the river wouldn’t have the thick, green color that gives it its realistic appearance and helps hide the tracks, Fantasmic! gear, and cast-member beer stashes.”
“it’s a small war”
April 30th, 2010A few hours ago, Disneyland Today’s Twitter stream included the following comment: “If all the Disney characters in ‘it’s a small world’ waged war on the original dolls, they’d be outnumbered 10 to 1.”
If this is indeed an official statement from Disney, then it is highly significant for two reasons. First, it is Disney’s first admission that the original “it’s a small world” characters are not Disney characters! How can this be? Who owns the rights? When do they expire? Are there tiny, highly repetitive, mind-numbing royalties to be paid?
And second, this is also the first time that Disney has admitted that the Disney characters within the attraction do indeed intend to wage war against the innocent singing children! Certainly, rumors of this kind of insurrection have been flitting about Fantasyland like so much confetti after a parade-float explosion, but until this time there has been no verification. Could this be the reason that guests are so carefully searched for weapons before entering the park? Does it help shed some light on the violent ejection of the Country Bears after building tension between them and the Song of the South critters? And was “iasm” really the inspiration for the movie Child’s Play”? We have no idea. Only time will tell. Post your updates in the comments!
DisneyLies Official Best & Worst: Pixar films
April 14th, 2010Best
- The Incredibles: Particularly the incredible fight scene between Mr. Incredible and Syndrome (it’s a blow-by-blow tribute to the fight scene in John Carpenter’s They Live, by the way).
- The Bear and the Bow: It hasn’t been released yet, but just the idea of Koda from Brother Bear learning to fight and striking back has us all excited.
- Finding Nemo: Based on Verne’s Mysterious Island.
- Ratatouille: Possibly the best film ever in which the title character is eaten.
- Cars: The Gary Numan soundtrack is awesome!
- Monsters, Inc.: Everyone cries when Mike’s mother is killed by “man.”
Worst
- (This space intentionally left blank)
DisneyLies Official Best & Worst: Common Disney Injuries
April 12th, 2010Best
- Actually, we find that it’s best if you leave the park uninjured.
Worst
- Bruised ankles from a) standing in line in front of some nearsighted guy with a stroller, or b) psychotic duck attacks.
- Black lung from riding on the Haunted Mansion and accidentally inhaling some former guest’s cremains.
- Pin-trading punctures (commonly from forgetting that you aren’t wearing a lanyard).
- “small world” headache.
- Jungle Cruise pun overexposure.
- Battered wallet.
- Horrible bowel problems, massive weight loss, and eventual death after accidentally ingesting water from the Rivers of America.
DisneyLies Official Best & Worst: Past Disneyland Attractions
April 9th, 2010Best
- Adventure Thru Inner Space: A perfect example of how you can fit a major attraction in a very, very small space.
- Mine Train Through Nature’s Wonderland: Who can forget the rainbow-flavored cavern or the Fess-Parker-shaped cactus?
- The Flying Saucers: Novel and thrilling! (Too bad they caused cancer.)
- Carousel of Progress: This massive animatronic presentation taught the science of electricity to a whole generation of kids. It was replaced by the (sadly short lived) Carousel of the Feynman Lectures in Physics.
Worst
- Rocket Rods: It turns out that a vehicle powered by army-surplus rockets just won’t stay on the old PeopleMover track.
- Mike Fink Keel Boats: So named for their tendency to “keel over.”
- Skyway to the Parking Lot: Unless you parked right next to it, really not all that convenient.
