The brilliant folks at Communicore Weekly have posted a new show in which they take a hard, critical look at our new book, 396 Pure, Unadulterated, Dyed-in-the-Wool, 100% Made-up, Completely Fake Disneyland “Facts”
Then go buy our book. Because we need the money to go to Disneyland. And they need our support. Probably.
On March 3, the Broadway run of Mary Poppins will end after a practically perfect six-year run. All is not lost for fans of Disney theatrics, though: Disney has announced that one of its theme-park musicals will be extended, upgraded, and graduated to the Broadway stage.
Said musical expert Jasmine Abu in a telephone interview we forgot to record: “Disney has high hopes that audiences will be thrilled by their full-cast, high-energy production of Carousel of Progress. It’s expected to play to packed houses, particularly if rumors are true that Jim Parsons will be playing Father.”
According to what we’re going to say was an official Disney press release, the show will feature the original Sherman Brothers song, with additional music by Broadway legends Rodgers and Hammerstein. Show-stopping numbers include “If I Plugged You,” “Fuses Are Bustin’ Out All Over,” “Whats the Use of Wirin’,” and “You’ll Never Watch (Televised Wrestling) Alone.”
During 2013, Disneyland and Walt Disney World will be holding a number of “Limited Time Magic” events to delight guests. Each of these events will be available for a short period on days when the parks are closing early (hence the “Limited Time” moniker).
The first of these events at Disneyland is the return of the original Golden Horseshoe Revue show to the Golden Horseshoe Saloon for four weeks beginning January 10. The show will use the original script, just as it was premiered in 1955, but as the original performers are not currently available, all parts will be performed by Billy Hill and the Hillbillies. This is made possible by the fact that no more than four characters are ever on stage at the time, and allows for lower production costs as fiddle-playing dancing girls make the hiring of a band unnecessary. Said lead Hillbilly Billy, “I have these hilarious fake buckteeth that will add a memorable new dimension to my portrayal of Slue Foot Sue, and you ain’t lived until you’ve heard my dulcet rendition of ‘Billy Up to the Bar’ and seen what we’re calling our Can’t Can’t Dancers.”
The show is expected to be intensely popular with lines anticipated to stretch well into the Rivers of America. To help alleviate this, one show each day is going to be a $35 dinner show with guaranteed seating. These shows are available only to annual passholders who can prove that they saw the show during its original run. The dinner will be a fixed menu of food reminiscent of the original Frontierland, including corn chips from Casa de Fritos, Davy Crockett “raccoon” burgers, Pepsi, and toothpicks made from wood from the original Fort Wilderness. All guests will receive a souvenir boot-shaped mug filled with replicas of Wally Boag’s teeth, suitable for spitting.
As a special treat during the dinner shows, the part of Pecos Bill will be played by actor and comedian Steve Martin, a close personal friend of the original Pecos. The participation of Mr. Martin in this event is being kept strictly secret, for fear that it will cause a massive rush for tickets. Because of this, it has not been reported to the media, can’t be verified, won’t be announced, isn’t something we’re going to admit having reported, and you didn’t read it here.
Update: Fifteen minutes after this post went live, the Golden Horseshoe dinner shows sold out completely.
At a recent performance of the Candlelight Processional at Disneyland, we noticed that the text of A Visit from St. Nicholas (read this year by Tim Allen) had been slightly altered. It appears that Disney has found it necessary to update the text due to societal values that had changed somewhat since the poem was originally written. The table below shows the text as read in the performance, along with the societal concern that necessitated adjusting the text.
| Societal Concern | Poem Text |
|---|---|
| ‘T was the night before Christmas, when all through the house | |
| Rodent infestation | Not a creature was stirring, including my spouse; |
| The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, | |
| In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. | |
| The children were nestled all snug in their beds, | |
| Delusions; childhood obesity | While dreams of organic food danced in their heads; |
| And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap, | |
| Body part reference; cohabitation | Got into separate beds for a long winter’s nap. |
| When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, | |
| Cohabitation | I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. |
| Reference to character trademarked by D.C. Comics | Away to the window I flew just like Dash, |
| Unintentionally funny wording | Tore open the shutters and lifted the sash. |
| Adult content | The moon on the chest of the new-fallen snow |
| Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below, | |
| When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, | |
| But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer. | |
| Ageism | With a wise little driver, so lively and quick, |
| I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick. | |
| More rapid than eagles his coursers they came, | |
| And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name. | |
| Adult content | “Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Fixen! |
| Pagan deity; bad rhyme | On, Comet! on, Newkid! on, Donder and Blixen! |
| To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall! | |
| Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!” | |
| Frightening natural disasters | As dry leaves that before the wild summer breeze fly, |
| When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky; | |
| So up to the house-top the coursers they flew, | |
| With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too. | |
| And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof | |
| The prancing and pawing of each little hoof. | |
| As I drew in my head, and was turning ag’in, | |
| Home invasion | Down the chimney he came (I’d invited him in). |
| Animal cruelty | He was dressed all in red, from his head to his foot, |
| Slovenliness | And his clothes were untarnished by ashes and soot; |
| A bundle of toys he had flung on his back, | |
| And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack. | |
| His eyes — how they twinkled! His dimples how merry! | |
| Ravages of alcoholism | His cheeks were like roses, his nose was cute, very! |
| His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow | |
| And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow. | |
| Smoking | Some sugarless gum he held tight in his teeth, |
| More smoking | And the fake fur encircled his head like a wreath; |
| Obesity | He had a kind face and a typical belly, |
| Obesity | That shook when he laughed at a joke you might tell-y. |
| Obesity; ageism; mythical creatures | He was happy and well, so jolly and mature, |
| And I laughed when I saw his distinctive nature; | |
| Accidentally frightening Exorcist reference | A wink of his eye and a turn of his head, |
| Potentially disquieting reference to "dread" | Soon gave me to know I should go back to bed. |
| He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, | |
| Slapstick reference to physical disability | And filled all the stockings like a careful clerk, |
| Behavior that shouldn’t be imitated | And curling his finger so that it was bent, |
| And giving a nod, up the chimney he went. | |
| He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, | |
| And away they all flew like the down of a thistle, | |
| But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, | |
| Cultural insensitivity | “Happy holidays to all, and to all a good-night.” |
We hasten to note that Disney made no changes at all to the story of the first Christmas (which was beautifully performed by Ahmed Best in the delightful, child-pleasing voice he used in the Star Wars prequels).
In an unexpected surprise move, today — 12/12/12 — at 12:12, for 12 minutes and 12 seconds, Disneyland had $12 admission prices for parties of 12, guests entering the park were greeted by Snow White and five extra dwarves, churros were 12 for a dollar, and only 12 attractions were operating!
We are very impressed with the new holiday decorations in Disney California Adventure. The attention to detail is something we haven’t seen since the old days when they used to make Country Bears anatomically correct down to the last tick.
By way of illustration, take a look at just some of the many interesting items on and beneath DCA’s Christmas tree:
In just this one image you can see a number of Disney and Disneyland references, including (clockwise from top left):
Mighty impressive, isn’t it?
Although we will never forget Disneyland’s wonderful Carnation Garden Plaza thing, we have to admit that we are becoming increasingly excited about the Fantasy Faire area that is currently under construction. After speaking with various individuals who insist that they are Disneyland Imagineers and/or Napoleon Bonaparte, we have learned that the FF will have a wide variety of interesting interactive elements, entertainments, and attractions that should appeal to guests of all ages.
To help bring home the wonderful diversity of this new area, we have photographed an artist’s interpretation of Fantasy Faire and labeled each of the new attractions for your reference.
You will want to click the image and view it at full size in order to read the text.
The moment you’ve been waiting for is here! The new DisneyLies.com book, 396 Pure, Unadulterated, Dyed-In-The-Wool, 100% Made-Up, Completely Fake Disneyland “Facts”, is now available for purchase. Copiously illustrated and full of unreliable text, it’s guaranteed to be nearly entirely in English and 100% full of stuff!
What Jungle Cruise jokes can’t they tell you? Who are the Fra. Junipero Serra Memorial Dance Crew? Where can you find wicker toilet paper? If you had a copy of 396PUDITW100MUCFDF you’d already know!
396 Pure, Unadulterated, Dyed-In-The-Wool, 100% Made-Up, Completely Fake Disneyland “Facts” won’t be available in paperback on Amazon for a few weeks, so if you want to order it for everyone on your holiday list you have two options:
(By the way, if you’re a total cheater-pants who likes to see what it is that they are buying, you can use the Amazon link and then click “Look inside” to read some of the book before deciding to raid the kids’ college fund and buy a few cases of ‘em.)
Deborah, who is proofreading and spell checking the final manuscript of 396 Pure, Unadulterated, Dyed-In-The-Wool, 100% Made-Up, Completely Fake Disneyland “Facts” for us, has asked us to pass along this special message:
“The people who came up with the spelling and punctuation used in Disneyland attractions should die in an elevator in the basement of a burning building.”
Thanks, Deborah!
After placing the copious illustrations in 396 Pure, Unadulterated, Dyed-In-The-Wool, 100% Made-Up, Completely Fake Disneyland “Facts”, we realized that we didn’t have enough info on this fellow:
Can anyone provide us with a personal recollection of seeing the Haunted Mansion’s “Catbox Ghost”?
Thanks (and happy turkey day!)
Want more lies?
Get the book!