Disney Lies

You may be interested to know that Pixar’s new film Wall*E isn’t a standalone feature. Although it is not widely known, this feature is actually a sequel of sorts to 1972’s Silent Running, which starred Bruce Dern as a space-faring gardener armed with nuclear weapons.

Silent Running is largely about three robots who are taking care of what is left of Earth’s plant life while certain other robots — not mentioned in the film — are trying to clean up the planet so that the plants can be reintroduced. The Disney connection is made clear by the robots’ names — Huey, Dewey, and Louie.

There are parallels in the films’ dialog as well. Silent Running: “Take good care of the forest, Dewey.” WALL*E: “Take good care of the planet, WALL*E.”

Tomorrow, we’ll look at a few more classic films that served as inspiration for WALL*E.

Correcting our earlier correction, mathematics historians now inform us that four is not “a couple.”

Sorry again!

We have a couple of corrections to yesterday’s post on the new Pixar movie, WALL*E. Namely:

1. The movie’s title is supposed to be in all caps — WALL*E, not Wall*E. (Apparently, Wall*E — with the lower-case letters — is street slang for wall paper infused with ecstasy.)
2. We were less than accurate when we quoted some moron who said that Carol Channing is the voice for Wall*E’s ship’s computer. The ship’s computer is actually voiced by Sigourney Weaver. (Carol Channing played the title character in Alien.)
3. The scene where characters vomit to the tune of songs from Yentl is in Shrek IV, not Shrek III, and in fact the song they vomit is not from Yentl, but is a medley from Funny Lady.
4. We should have had a “spoiler alert” tag before the paragraph about Eve accidentally crippling WALL*E with the surplus rocket launcher, and should probably never have mentioned her subsequent suicide at all.

Sorry ’bout that!

Reviews are starting to appear for the new Pixar film Wall*E, and although some are less than five-star (such as Roper and Phillips’ review, which includes words like “tiresome,” “forbidding,” and “the”), most are lauding the production (such as “Movie Reviews for Sale,” which says, “This is absolutely, positively, the best film I have ever or will ever see if I live to be a million.”)

But what people aren’t talking about is the copious product placement in the film. “It’s the first time that Pixar has really sold out,” says self-aggrandizing film historian and delusional semi-psychopath Fred Friedskul. “You’ll see products from A1 Fire Extinguishers, the BnL corporation, and Thinkway Toys. But even more blatant is that blatant blatancy of the product placement for the new remastered DVD release of Hello, Dolly! Seriously, has Barbra Streisand sunk so low that she has to to advertise her movies in kids features? As if the Yentl references during that Shrek III vomit scene weren’t bad enough. You wouldn’t catch Carol Channing doing this kind of garbage, which is why the fact that she’s the voice for Wall*E’s ship’s computer all the more ironic.”

Even so, we’re betting it’ll be the best Disney movie with a main character who’s a cockroach since Mickey’s Metamorphosis!

Disney pin traders will be pleased with the latest addition to Disneyland Resort’s Downtown Disney — the Disney Pin Vault (captured just before opening by our Official DisneyLies Photo Correspondent).

This gigantic store has the largest collection of rare, vintage, hard-to-find, one-of-a-kind, signed, dangled, pin-on-pin, flocked, lenticular, light-up, animated, jumbo, micro, 3D, audio, holographic, precious-metal, scented, hallucinogenic, holy grail, POH, and self-aware collectible Disney pins on the planet. Says store manager Cloisinné Baubél, “Pin aficionados have been known to become excited to the point that they need medical attention when they see our collection. Our hand-selected pins cost from as little as $25 for a simple retired cast-member lanyard pin to as much as $12,000 for a pin encasing a relic such as a fragment of Walt Disney’s true desk. Many people ask if we trade pins and we answer that we do happily trade — for cold, hard cash.”

The store’s gigantic vault-like front door is in fact the real thing. It operates on a time lock, so guests must enter the store promptly when it opens at 10 a.m., and cannot leave until the door again opens at 5 p.m. Serious pin collectors only. No food, drinks, scrappers, or strollers.

It has been announced that after the release of Pixar’s newest feature Wall*E, a full-size animatronic Wall*E will be introduced into Disney’s California Adventure! This specially programmed, completely autonomous automaton will drive, make expressive noises, and pick up trash, just like its movie counterpart. Disney management says that it may even be allowed to interact with guests after it has completely cleaned its area of the park.

Unfortunately, just a few days after this news was released, Disney announced that it would be firing a significant number of its animatronics-department staff. This marks an end to Disney’s tradition of developing lifelike figures in-house or (in recent years) of outsourcing much of its animatronics work but not telling anyone. The released staffers will be replaced by specially programmed, completely autonomous Wall*E-style robots.

A little over a week ago, the Blue Sky Disney blog had an article responding to the question that is on many Disney fan’s mouse-puckered lips, “I’ve heard that because of the economy all projects for DCA are on hold or canceled.” Well, we have been diligently researching this topic and have come to the conclusion that, despite what some may have you believe, this is not a question at all. All it is is a statement about a rumor. According to several experts in the English language that we consulted, if it had been a question the sentence would have had a significantly different form, and there probably would have been a question mark at the end.

Now that this is cleared up, we would like to address rumors that DCA’s improvements have been delayed/canceled due to a downturn in the economy. Fortunately, few things could be further from the truth! It is true that construction at DCA has been delayed a few months, but this has nothing to do with a lack of funds — at least not in a traditional sense. As Peter Exchequer, former head of Disneyland Resort accounting, told us on condition of anonymity, “To make a long story short, I lost the checkbook. We were all ready to go with moving the park’s entrance and recreating 1920 Hollywood or whatever it was that they were going to do first, and I had purchase orders read for all the construction crews, but when I got to the head of the line at Home Depot to buy all the wood and nails and stuff, I couldn’t find the checkbook. It was really embarrassing. Fortunately I found it just yesterday. It was in the pocket of a suit that was at the cleaners. So now as soon as my successor can get back to Home Depot and pick out all that stuff again, we’re back in business!”

Sad but true! This is easily the most embarrassing delay experienced at the resort since a cast member lost the key to the front gate of Disneyland and the park had to stay closed for a week and a half.

One of the benefits of the new Toy Story Midway Mania attraction being largely computer animated is that it can be easily modified to suit current events. For example, beginning later this month, a certain little futuristic robot will be visible in the distance in one of the scenes, cleaning up darts that miss the background and hit targets. And when the new Tinker Bell movie is released directly to video, a certain pixie will appear in one game (and explode when hit with a burst of pixie dust that will make other objects on the screen fly — if they are thinking happy thoughts).

Holidays will also be commemorated as the season demands. Around Christmas time, players will be able to throw fruitcakes instead of pies, and Buzz Lightyear will sport a new red spacesuit and whiskers. You’ll be hurling colored eggs at chocolate farm animals on Easter. On Arbor Day, throwing a dart at a balloon in a tree will earn you double points, as will hitting any target in the Green Army Men scene on Memorial Day.

The attraction is also programmed to react to real-world events. Earthquakes will knock down all targets for a big score, and all on-screen characters are programmed to move calmly toward exits in case of a fire.

In honor of the new Toy Story Midway Mania attraction at Disney’s California Adventure, here are a few tips for maximizing your final score:

• Entrance: As your attraction vehicle moves into the show building, you will briefly turn to face guests waiting in line to experience the attraction. General guests are 100 points, anyone with a Mickey-ears hat is 500 points, and annual pass holders are 1,000 points.
• Practice: If you can bank your pie off the pie of another player and hit Buzz smack in the helmet, your score will not immediately go up, but your hidden score multiplier will be incremented.
• Barnyard: If you hit nothing but carnivores/omnivores during this round, your score will be doubled. Hitting only kosher animals (mainly cows and chickens), your score multiplier is incremented.
• Sheep field: Of you can pop the three-headed mutant sheep’s heads without destroying its body, you receive a bonus of 5,000 points. Avoid hitting the clouds — if you clear their balloons it starts to rain, which may cause a short in your gun.
• Army maneuvers: Hit enemy forces (in green) and avoid friendly forces (in slightly lighter green) for 5,000 points and an increase in your bonus multiplier.
• Aliens: Ring all of the aliens in the central rocket target area to get the “chest burster bonus” and activate “alien autopsy” high-scoring mode.
• Cowboy: You can increase your bonus multiplier if the total number of shots you fire on this screen is divisible by six (as if you have a six shooter).
• Mine: Hit the bat and then hit the target behind the leftmost moving foreground target to release the invisible gas leak. When the canary (in the shadows in the corner) dies, hit it on the way down approximately six inches from the bottom of the screen for a 10-point bonus!
• Final score: When your final score is announced, multiply it by your bonus multiplier for your actual score (this isn’t displayed, but it’s still completely official — just ask anyone).
• Closed curtain: After the curtains close at the end of the game, continue firing your weapon to release a torrent of adorable animated tapeworms.

As part of its “living character” initiative, Disney is exploring the possibility of replacing certain castmembers with animatronic figures. A few days ago, our Official DisneyLies Photo Correspondent managed to be on site during a test of the new Buzz Lightyear Guest Services Castbot.

The robot speaks and understands more than 50 languages and can direct guests to any facility on the property, pass out maps, listen attentively to even the most bizarre complaint with a sincerely concerned expression, and blast particularly troublesome guests into oblivion.