Cheatin’ punkins

September 29th, 2011

The cabin at Big Thunder Ranch has been nicely decorated for Halloween. Inside are a number of vintage seasonal posters and doodads, as well as a few little scenes. Now, Disneyland generally does a  very good job of decorating, paying attention to all those little details that make everything there so magical. But, in this case — well, just take a look:

Cheating pumpkins

Okay, we get that the pumpkin guys are playing cards, and that the guy on the left is a cheater (as indicated by the card poking out from beneath his hat). But it all falls apart when you notice what he’s holding in his left hand. Here, take a look:

 

Cheating pumpkin details

The idea, we can only assume, is that the cheatin’ punkin’ is using a mirror to look at his companion’s cards. Well then, why the heck is he pointing the powder-holding portion of the compact at the other guy’s hand instead of pointing the mirror there? And, even more important, what the heck is a male pumpkin doing with a woman’s compact??? Seriously — you don’t think the other pumpkin would notice something was out of place? Particularly since, as everyone knows, pumpkins don’t wear makeup in the first place!!!

Come on, Disneyland, you’re better than this. The least you can do is close the park down for a few hours — you know, on an emergency basis — and get this taken care of before you embarrass yourself any further. While you’re at it, we’d like to know where the rest of the deck of cards is, too.

If we had time, we could say a whole lot more about the little Halloween area’s minor shortcomings. Those pumpkins that the guy is spending so much time carving taste terrible. Also, that “cow” is totally fake. And don’t even get us started on the goats wearing bandanas, as if goats know how to tie square knots!

Cthulhu at Disneyland?

September 28th, 2011

We needed to do a little further research before we continued the Disneyland Tour that we began some months ago and then abruptly abandoned like a duckling the day after Easter, so we have spent a few days at Disneyland over the past few weeks, getting the latest baloney on many tems.

While there, we noticed a number of interesting things which we will post about for a day or two.

One of the interesting things we noticed was in the Halloween-themed area of Big Thunder Ranch. In a pumpkin-carving area, we noticed this particular bit of artwork:

Cthulhu at Disneyland

Upon seeing this, we had to ask ourselves, “What is a carving of Cthulhu doing at Disneyland?” And having asked ourselves this, we had to ask the pumpkin-carving castmember about it. He hemmed and hawed a bit, then made some sorry excuse about it being a carving of a pirate! Since when is Cthulhu a pirate?

Given this evidence (combined with Disney’s well-known avoidance of trademark/copyright violation), I think it is more than safe to assume that Disneyland has obtained the rights to all of H.P. Lovecraft’s literary works and will be building some kind of Lovecraft-themed extension to either Disneyland or Disney California Adventure.

Lovecraft land will definitely be an awesome addition to the resort. We look forward to riding the Madness Mountain rollercoaster (safety spiel: “Remain seated please; ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn”) and drinking a glass of Miska-tonic with our Dunwich Sandwich at the Innsmouth Inn!

Disney ammends Avatar announcement

September 21st, 2011

Yesterday, Disney announced that they had secured the limited North-American domestic retail non-seasonal theme-park rights to the movie Avatar, and would soon be creating a new Avatar-themed land in Florida’s Animal Kingdom. Today, they released additional details, including a very important correction.

Instead of trying to explain this ourselves, we’ll let an excerpt from a press release of dubious authenticity do the talking:

In the many years that Disney has been licensing properties and announcing that we have licensed properties, there have been a few moments of unintentional fun. It goes all the back to Walt Disney, who had to rescind his plans for Edison Square at Disneyland when it was discovered that his legal team had forgotten to license Thomas Edison’s name, and that Edison’s estate was not interested in any theme-park attraction that might be seen as implying that the great inventor was “a square.”

In more recent years, then Disney-MGM Studios had to retract its announcement of the creation of a real-live Sesame Street when it was realized that somehow Disney had forgotten to purchase most of its related characters when it bought the Muppets from Henson Productions. And who can forget the happy accident of Disney, intending to obtain the licensing rights for the state of Indiana, accidentally licensed the Indiana Jones movie franchise.

So it is with a sense of optimistic hopefulness that Disney must correct its previous announcement about the licensing of characters and locations from the film Avatar. It turns out — and we’re sure you’ll find this as funny as we did — that instead of licensing the James Cameron film, our property acquisition team somehow managed, through a little honest miscommunication, to license the television show Avatar, which was recently made into the M. Night Shyamalan film, The Last Airbender.

Although there may be some fans who are disappointed, we think this is a great opportunity. Market research conducted last night revealed that our original plan to create enormous animatronic Na’vi that could be mentally controlled by selected guests would likely have not been popular at all. Guests really don’t want to have to go to all the trouble of hooking up electrodes to their head just to play with a huge alien robot in a thoroughly realized artificial alien world. Research also indicated that guests would be disappointed with the land if it lacked certain elements from the film, such as free-roaming dangerous animals and an atmosphere that’s deadly to humans. Thank goodness Disney didn’t go through with this and similar plans only to find out that guests didn’t like them!

Instead, we will be devoting close to a billion dollars to creating a world right out of The Last Airbender. There will be, for example, enormous animated fountains that use air instead of water, a bald white kid signing autographs, and — well — a bunch of other neat things that we’re going to be thinking of really, really soon. This will be an expansion Animal Kingdom can be proud of!

For those James Cameron fans who are still feeling a bit let down, don’t forget that Disney Studios’ Great Movie Ride still has an awesome Aliens scene with a character that looks just like Dr. Grace Augustine with a gun!

Having to make a sudden change in plans has opened up a Pandora’s box (no pun intended) of difficulties for Disney. They had already contracted with dozens of former basketball players who were willing to be painted blue every day and depict Na’vi, hundreds of pounds of unobtainium had been purchased to construct trash cans for the new land, and the song that was going to bridge the transition from Animal Kingdom’s Asia area into the Avatar area — Survivor’s new hit, “Eywa the Tiger” — had already been recorded (it will be released online as a free download).

Thankfully, the worldwide popularity of The Last Airbender — a film with enough die-hard fans to nearly fill a high school gymnasium locker room — practically makes Animal Kingdom’s new Avatar land a shoe-in for success.

Troubles in paradise

September 6th, 2011

A few days ago, Disney’s Aulani resort opened on the island of O’ahu, but already the new resort is shadowed beneath a cloud of shame (or volcano smoke — in Hawaii, it can be hard to tell the two apart).

Even before the resort opened its doors, all of the key executives responsible for its construction were asked to either resign or be reported to their parents and receive several demerits which would become part of their permanent record. All chose resignation.

Their reported misdeeds were many and varied, including:

  • Building the entire resort on the wrong island (O’ahu, instead of Catalina).
  • Forgetting to lock up for the night when they left, so a toucan got in and made a big mess that it took like an hour to clean up (plus it ate all the grapes).
  • Draining the main pool and packing it with hungry tarantulas.
  • Enforcing a “No shirts, no shoes, no beachgoing” policy.
  • Leaving a cursed tiki on the beach for Bobby to find.
  • Forgetting to check if the “Fire-Dancing Goofy” costume was flammable.
  • Messing up the purchasing department by accidentally typing “monkeys” instead of “room keys.”
  • Making distinctly un-Disney “Don Ho” puns.
  • Approving the “Sacrifice a Disney Princess to the Volcano God” pageant, Jessica Rabbit Hula Dancing Class, and Three Little Suckling Pigs Luau.
  • Not taste testing the cocoanut churros.
  • Letting guests buy timeshares for a nickel.

But perhaps the biggest snafu was giving the entire Aulani Resort and Spa a Harry Potter theme. Said a person in a suit loading a bunch of office supplies into a rental truck, “I still don’t see what the big deal is. Our research showed it would be very popular with guests to have umbrella flower leis and play Pineapple Quidditch, and besides, if Universal can have a Harry Potter thing, why can’t we? It isn’t fair!”

Because, apparently, there is some sort of trademark issue regarding Harry Potter, the entire resort had to be quickly converted to a more easily licensed “Hawaii Five-0″ theme (as the commercials say, “You want suites? Book ‘em, Danno!”).

Disney’s crack legal department has also recommended that other projects in which these executives had a hand be examined for potential areas of difficulty. For this reason, executives are investigating several Shanghai Disneyland attractions currently under construction, even though the (former) management insists that there is nothing related to Harry Potter anywhere on the property. Attractions being scrutinized include The Enchanted Dalek Room, Cylonland, “it’s a borg world,” Buzz Lightyear Aliens Blasters, Skeletor Mountain, Pirates of the Planet of the Apes, “Honey, I Blew Up the Terminator!”, Mr. Toad’s Matrix Ride, and Emperor Palpatine’s Castle, among others.

Fantasy Faire coming to Disneyland!

August 29th, 2011

It was recently announced that Disneyland’s Carnation Plaza Garden is going to be not just removed, but — in a special, hard-ticket event — utterly and explosively obliterated to the hip stylings of a live swing band. Once the debris is cleared and collateral damage dealt with, the suddenly open space will be used to create Fantasy Faire, a new area of Fantasyland.

Fantasy Faire will include many unique, fantastical character-oriented attractions, including a princess meet-and-greet, a stage on which princess-related productions can be performed, a stand where child-friendly, quasi-medieval, fast food can be purchased, and a shop selling princess-related clothing and souvenirs. When asked how the new Fantasy Faire will differ from the current Disney Princess Fantasy Faire, a woman with too much makeup and fake hair who claimed to be the personal assistant of George Kalogridis, President of Disneyland Resort, said, “It’s a lot more south. You’ll be able to enjoy the princesses without the long walk, anachronistic railroad intrusions, and occasional mood-ruining whiffs of Toontown stench.”

Not everyone is pleased with the planned expansion. “It’s a load of Dumbo leavings!” said Herbert Haberdasher, President and Tenor of the Main Street, U.S.A. Merchant’s Association. “They’re whittling away at Main Street piece by piece. You let this go, and they won’t be happy until the Emporium is renamed the Enchantium and ‘Princessland’ stretches from one train station to the other. Think it won’t happen? Look at how New Orleans Square annexed a huge hunk of Frontierland! Think nobody was hurt by that? Next time you see her, ask Aunt Jemima how she feels!”‘

No thanks, Herbert — we’ll take your word for it!

Legoland Disneyland

August 24th, 2011

The Lego Group announced in a press release today that, after months of intense inter-lawyer negotiations, they had secured rights from Disney to build an all-Lego replica of Disneyland in Legoland California’s “Miniland” area. The 1:20 scale park will include representations of all major attractions, many mechanically animated scenes, and humorous details such as Lego churros, minifigures with wheelbarrows full of money approaching the ticket booths, a Lego wampa standing in for the Matterhorn yeti, and suicidal-looking parental minifigs in the Brobdingnagian Dumbo queue.

Said a thermoplastic injection molded Lego representative, “Disneyland is said to be built from fantasy and dreams, and we are happy to report that, in 2012, we will demonstrate that it can also be built from acrylonitrile butadiene styrene. The Legoland Disneyland Miniland will have all the ‘lands’ of the original Disneyland, including an Adventureland Miniland, a Frontierland Miniland, and a Miniland Fantasyland with an enormous miniature castle. One of the Legomasters even put a little Lando Calrissian minifig near where they have the Jedi Training show, as if, after touring the galaxy, Lando had landed in Legoland Disneyland Miniland and planned to be on hand at the unmanned Tomorrowland bandstand. Isn’t that grand?”

Tiki Room, Under Old Management

August 22nd, 2011

Some months ago, a fire in the massive subterranean Walt Disney World computer complex destroyed the circa-1998 laptop computer that ran Magic Kingdom’s Tiki Room attraction. Because of the extent of the damage, quite a lot of the “Under New Management” overlay would have to be repaired or replaced, and executives — citing recent guest complaints — decided they could both save money and increase attendance by returning to the old “classic” Tiki Room show instead.

Although it was originally estimated that repairing the attraction would take a year or more, the new, retro-improved Tiki Room opened last week after less than a month of construction. “It was like a miracle,” said a person with shifty eyes whose badge had the word “lead” hastily written on it in pencil. “The Tiki Room reopened in record time and guests couldn’t be more thrilled. And it was all done so quickly because, uh, you know, because we’re awesome! That’s right — it’s because we’re awesome! That’s all there is to it!”

Ironically, across the country Disneyland’s Enchanted Tiki Room has been closed for almost a month and has no projected date for reopening. Said a tearful person in a Hawaiian shirt, “I just can’t explain it. It was all so sudden!  One day the Tiki Room is there and the next, gone! I distinctly remember it being here, right here, behind the pineapple juice stand. I know we didn’t bring it anywhere and I don’t see how we could have misplaced it. And the timing was horrible! The whole thing disappeared during the night right before we were going to show it to the nice folks who came all the way from Disney World to take notes so they could rebuild <em>their</em> Tiki Room. They were so disappointed they didn’t even wait for morning — they just left in their convoy of big-rig trucks and headed back to Florida without even saying goodbye.”

If Disneyland’s Tiki Room is not found in short order, it will have to be rebuilt. Park management says that this will be treated not as a problem, but as an opportunity, and hinted that the recreated Tiki Room show may be “plussed” with avian characters from some popular Disney films. What an awesome idea! We can’t wait to see how it turns out!

Disneyland Refurbishment Schedule

August 9th, 2011

In an attempt to look more relevant and get more hits, we’re experimentally stealing the Disneyland refurbishment schedule from Mouse Planet and pretending we wrote it.

Disneyland

  • Blue Bayou: Closed in September and November to install an authentic swamp-smell system and even dimmer lights that should make the new, improved prices less bothersome to guests.
  • Disneyland Monorail: Until further notice, not opening until 10 a.m. Saturday, Sunday, and Monday due to pilot’s always waking up with a serious hangover after late nights at ElecTRONica.
  • Haunted Mansion: Closed from late August through mid-September so they can get a skid steer in there for the annual removal of accumulated guest-strewn cremains.
  • “it’s a small world”: Closed October and November so cast members can catch up on their group therapy sessions.
  • Mark Twain Riverboat: Closed September 26 through 28 to rotate the paddle wheel and polish the inside of the smokestacks.
  • Matterhorn Bobsleds: Closed until September because Harold’s “don’t eat the guests” training has apparently worn off (again).
  • Pirates of the Caribbean: Closed September through November to replace the scummy old water with nice, fresh mint julep.
  • Space Mountain: Closed for two weeks in September so they can install the Currently Closed for Refurbishment overlay.

Disney California Adventure

  • Baker’s Field Bakery: Closed permanently so that it can be replaced with an ice-cream shop (which the park desperately needs).
  • Bur-r-r Bank Ice Cream: Closed permanently so that it can be replaced with a bakery (which the park was sorely lacking).
  • California Screamin’: Closed September and October so they can take another shot at finding that “g” they lost back in 2001.
  • Engine-Ears Toys: Closed until they can think of a new name that doesn’t have any body parts in it.
  • Francis’ Lady Bug Boogie: Closed until further notice due to continuing gender identity issues.
  • Greetings from California: Closed until mid-2012 on general principles because cast members were tired of trying to explain the “it’s supposed to look like a postcard” theme.
  • It’s Tough to be a Bug!: Closed from late October through early November for installation of One Infested Christmas overlay.
  • Redwood Challenge Creek Trail: Closed through October so the fire department can conduct controlled burns.

Disneyland Resort Hotels

  • Disneyland Hotel Neverland Pool: Largely closed due to construction, but guests are welcome to try out the new Monorail water slides and try to imagine how cool they’ll be once water is added.
  • Disneyland Hotel Guest Laundry: Closed due to nobody in their right mind doing laundry while on vacation.
  • Disneyland Hotel Fitness Center: Closed because of construction. Fitness equipment has been relocated to the lobby and labeled as a seasonal display.

Note: We’re pretty much making this stuff up on the fly. Try not to rely on it too heavily. For more up-to-date misinformation, check out the DisneyLies.com Massive Disneyland Attraction Database.

California Zephyr’s New Home

August 8th, 2011

As Disney California Adventure refurbishment continues, the California Zephyr (which once housed a toy-train store and restaurants selling train-themed baked goods and railroad-flavored ice cream) has been removed, bringing a sincere tear to the eye of many a Disneyland fan.

“It’s like a piece of history has been cut right out of history, and now — it’s history!” said Paula Babble, a former cast member whose lack of eloquence is matched only by a sense of nostalgia so overblown as to essentially be crippling. “I remember back when it was the Viewliner at Disneyland. I road it as a little girl and it was like a dream that I was actually dreaming, about a train and being on a train. I was so happy when they brought it out of storage and put it on display at California Adventure! But now it’s gone, and it’s like they’ve taken my childhood and crushed it and stomped it and ground it to pieces, hitting it with a hammer again, and again, and again until it is nothing more than bright, fragile shards of a ruined dream sprayed across the landscape of my life, threatening to draw blood from any who so much as think of touching a finger to them — only worse!”

Disney has announced that it will donate the California Zephyr to the Gene Autrey Museum of Western Heritage. The museum doesn’t want the train and has nowhere to put it, but Disney needs the tax deduction, so there you go.

New DCA entrance theme

August 1st, 2011

DCA’s Engine-Ears Toys, Bur-r-r Bank Ice Cream, and Bakersfield Bakery were obliterated today as part of the installation of the park’s new entrance-area theme.

“The new California Adventure entrance experience,” said an imagineer who spoke with us on condition of our pretending he existed, “will be reminiscent of Walt Disney’s early days in California. As of now, with the construction walls up and the stores and set pieces removed, the entrance’s new ‘Disneyland: 1954′ theme is complete. Guests detouring around the new entrance will be able to experience the thrill of passing by Disneyland as it was being built.”

If planned plans continue as planned, this new theme — complete with “workers” performing “construction” — will remain in place until early next year, after which it will be replaced by an even more Disney-historic orange grove.