We have been laid up in bed for the last few days, sick from too much Halloween candy and an overload of adorable children in Disney costumes (although the little boy dressed as Buzz Lightyear with an Alien chest burster bothered us quite a bit, largely for reasons of intellectual property rights). The only thing that has kept us going is a fabulous new book — Main Street Windows
by Jeff “Not George; The Other One” Heimbuch.
So far as you know, Main Street Windows (MSR) is a survey of every ground-level window that has ever existed at any point in time in any Disney theme park in any part of the world (including France). As Heimbuch may have told us in an exclusive interview held entirely telepathically:
This book was a great deal of effort. Not only did I have to visit Disney parks a great many times to photograph all the windows, but I also had to make a great many difficult choices. For example, is a hole cut in a wall that doesn’t have glass in it a window? And what about windows that are within attractions, or paintings of windows? Or pieces of glass that are there solely to protect dinosaurs? Should vehicle glass be included? I ultimately had to meet with philosophy professors from seven different universities to find definitive answers to these questions.
My original intention was to document every window in the parks, but I quickly realized that I’m not tall enough to photograph many of them. If this book is as successful as by all rights it should be, I will be taking a small portion of the massive profits and purchasing a pair of stilts so I can get right to work on Main Street Windows II: The Second Story (working title), to be followed by even larger stilts and Main Street Windows III: A Pane in the Glass.
Due to burdensome copyright laws, we can’t reproduce MSR in its entirety here so that you can read it at no charge and force Heimbuch to die an early death, starving and bitter that he made no money from his efforts (which, we vehemently insist, would be bad). Instead, we offer the following photograph which isn’t from the book but will give you an idea of what the book would be like if we have described it with all due accuracy:
In this photo, you see one of Disneyland’s Emporium windows with its display of straight jackets, Houdini memorabilia, and other period-appropriate items. Each photo like this in the book is accompanied by copious salient facts, such as:
- Who was the glazier?
- What kind of glass is used and what is its refraction index?
- How does the window’s design fit in with the area’s theming?
- What is the complete and detailed history of every display that has appeared behind the window (if any)?
- How often is the glass cleaned?
- Has the glass ever had to be replaced (and, if so, why and are photographs of replacement cost receipts available for inclusion in Appendix L)?
- Has anyone ever tried to shoot a hole in the window?
- If the window could talk, what would it say?
- Et cetera?
We at DisneyLies recommend that you purchase copious quantities of this valuable tome (only $25 for more than 17,000 pages of information in 32 volumes, plus pictures — what a deal!) It makes an excellent holiday gift that educates more than a Shrek DVD and tastes better than fruitcake.