This was a weird one — possibly the most complex song The Square has ever done, and also possibly the most obscure. Thank goodness it’s danceable, because anyone who isn’t intimately familiar with Main Street’s Market House party line telephone isn’t going to have any idea what the lyrics are about.

This was a hard one to transcribe because it’s a conversation with three people. I put the main woman in regular type, the man in italics, and the third woman in bold. Play the Lady Gaga original and try to sing along — you’ll hurt yourself!

Party Line Telephone
(Apologies to Lady Gaga)

Hello, hello, I’m calling you? Is anybody there?
I have got the telephonic call Eugenia.
Hello, yes, thank g-goodness I want to report a fire.
I see my barn burning and the situation’s dire.

The situation’s dire
The situation’s dire
Flames are coming through the door
My barn is on fire.

Just a second, something is on fire did you say?
Then you’ll be wanting to talk to the fire chief, eh?
I’m sure he’s the man you want, but that just isn’t me.
I’m Quentin Spoon the city’s only postmaster, see?

Stop talkin’, stop talkin’, can’t you hear my barn is on fire?
I called for help ‘cross this new-fangled phone wire.
Stop talkin’, stop talkin’, can’t you hear my farm is on fire?
I called for help ‘cross this new-fangled phone wire.

d-d-d-d-d
Stop ignorin’ me
d-d-d-d-d
I’m frantic
d-d-d-d-d
Stop ignorin’ me

I thought I rang up the fire station.
And you did we all share this telephone
‘Cause it’s all that and more, it’s the general store,
And it’s also the post box telephone.

Hurry and get me the fire chief now,
Gotta reach him before my barn burns down.
It’s me, Quentin Spoon, I’m the fire chief, too.
Man’s gotta wear a whole lotta hats in this town.

If you’re the chief why not tell me so?
I’ve got to put my hat on.
Have to have the hat on.
An official hat on.

Could we please get back to my barn?
Just let me get my ink pen.
Alrighty let’s go, Miss.
Tell me, what is your name then?

I’m Mrs. Thelma Bird, 23 Elm Tree Lane
Now did you say that that was Mrs. Bird, did you say?
B-I-R-D Bird You said you spell it with a Y?
Not Y it’s I it’s Bird, okay? Okay, I’m listenin’.

No call for screamin’
No call for screamin’
No reason to get mad Miss Ird
No call for screamin’.

Stop talkin’, stop talkin’, can’t you hear my barn is on fire?
I called for help ‘cross this new-fangled phone wire.
Stop talkin’, stop talkin’, can’t you hear my farm is on fire?
I called for help ‘cross this new-fangled phone wire.

Stop talkin’, stop talkin’, can’t you hear my barn is on fire?
I called for help ‘cross this new-fangled phone wire.
Stop talkin’, stop talkin’, can’t you hear my farm is on fire?
I called for help ‘cross this new-fangled phone wire.

d-d-d-d-d
Is that you Thelma Bird?
d-d-d-d-d
Is that you?
d-d-d-d-d
Show a bit more respect.
d-d-d-d-d
To Quentin.

Gertrude you get off this line right now
Say Gertrude just how can I help you out?
I just want to know can you tell me for sho’
If my peacock feathers have arrived at the store?

Sounds like this calls for my postman hat.
Wait, can’t we all just forget about that?
Gertrude just let me be, it’s an emergency.
And my package is not? We’ll see ’bout that!

My barn’s on fire, m-m-my barn’s on fire.
Well all righty then miss,
What was that address?
23 Elm Tree lane with the barn on fire.

My barn’s on fire, m-m-my barn’s on fire.
Well I guess that’ll kind
Make it easy to find.
Well now it’s collapsed so there’s no more fire.

This has been an authentic 1890 party line conversation.
Please never take your cell phone for granted again.

Although complete details are not being released until they are finalized, the thing that we took to be a press release did say that the park will not be a clone of Disneyland, but “an experience that could only be had in Australia.” To drive this point home, it was announced that Disneyland Australia would have the following features:

• Much more prominent presentation of Kanga and Roo.
• A patriotic show about the history of Australia, including an animatronic Great Moments with Sir Edmund Barton show.
• Security cast members will be armed with boomerangs.
• Christmas parades and other activities will take place during the summer.
• The Koala Bear Jamboree.
• Instead of turkey legs and churros, snack carts will sell ostrich legs and really big churros.
• The Rivers of America will retain its name, but will flow counterclockwise instead of clockwise.
• Like the Disneyland original, Australia’s Alice in Wonderland will have an upside-down room, except that it will be rightside-up.
• The Outback Tour will be much like the Jungle Cruise but will feature less water, bigger insects, a sacred emu bathing pool, a Tasmanian devil attack, and a rare view of “the back side of dingoes.”
• The Pirates of the Caribbean attraction will end with the pirates being arrested by the British and shipped overseas.
• At the snack bar outside the Enchanted Mimih Room, you’ll be able to purchase a delicious vegemite whip.
• To better fit in Tomorrowland, the Autopia will be themed to a future where gasoline is rare, automobiles are covered in spikes, and Mel Gibson is considered sane.
• Turtle Talk will be the same, but Australians will notice that Crush has no accent.
• Beer will be available at all restaurants, even with kids’ meals.

• Don’t forget sunscreen! And when you remember it, don’t forget to use it! And when you remember to use it, don’t forget to use it on yourself! And when you remember to use it on yourself, don’t forget to use it on areas that are exposed to the sun! (Filling your t-shirt with sunscreen may be fun, but it offers little solar protection.)
• Drink plenty of water. Water may be purchased throughout the park, but you can also bring a bottle of your own and refill it from drinking fountains or, if you are immune to all disease, the Rivers of America.
• At Disney California Adventure, stop by Guest Services and see if you can arrange for them to run the World of Color show a couple of times while the sun is still high. Then stand on Paradise Pier and run for stray water sprays.
• Take the inner tube out of one of your car’s tires, inflate it, and go on Grizzly River Run by yourself. If you’re at Disneyland, stand in line for Finding Nemo, and when a cast member says it’s your turn to get on the submarine, tell them you’d rather walk. For a more leisurely splashing, ride the Jungle Cruise and taunt the elephants until they squirt you in the face.
• Avoid large fires. Whether it’s a flame blast from Mara or a fire started in a trash can by one of Main Street’s charming turn-of-the-century “hobos,” you should stay away. You probably don’t want to go in any settlers’ cabins — they may look fine now, but have burst into flames in the past. And definitely avoid setting yourself on fire. Sure, Disney now owns Marvel, but this is no time to be playing “Human Torch!”
• If you tell cast members that you are a student doing intense research on American history, they will let you sit in the Main Street Opera House for many, many showings of wonderfully air-conditioned Lincoln.
• Stop by a vendor selling bottled soda and ask politely if you can stick your face in their ice bucket.
• Visit the enormous refrigerated room where Walt is kept.
• Remember that nobody can see you when you’re in an omnimover vehicle. There’s no reason not to take off your shirt, shoes, and pants on the Haunted Mansion. (Well, aside from legal reasons.)
• Run amok on Main Street. When security apprehends you, ask to be put in the “cooler.”
• If you have a job as a costumed character who is required to stand in the sun and sign autographs, consider early retirement.
• For maximum heat avoidance, get to the park early, fide a shady spot to sit, and don’t move until dark.

Is it true that Disney attempts to deceive guests so nefariously? According to a message we recently received over covert Disney radio channels, yes! “After carefully examining every part of the spectrum angstrom by angstrom,” says one of Disneyland’s crack team of research chemists, “we discovered a particular shade of green that people tend not to notice. This is the color the army uses to hide soldiers. It’s the color of the Loch Ness monster.”

Have you noticed anything at Disneyland that’s painted Go Away Green? No, you haven’t. That’s the point.

To find out what was going on, we contacted Dr. Professor — a thin white man with disheveled gray hair and a doctorate in comparative accounting from an unaccredited university who sometimes walks around DCA in a lab coat. According to the doctor, “What Disney has done is realize that the so-called ‘Maliboomer’ attraction was, although entertaining, highly visible but artistically unappealing. To address this problem, they painted the entire attraction with infra-red paint that is invisible to the human eye and therefore renders the entire superstructure visually indetectable without highly specialized equipment.” He went on to warn that guests wandering in the area should pay particular attention to signs so that they don’t accidentally smack into one of the towers, and left to study vector equations in Midway Mania.

Thanks, Doctor!

Sadly, Pixar’s new feature-length film Toy Story 3 didn’t do nearly as well, earning less than $75 in theaters where it did not run with Night & Day. It is hoped that their next feature starring Woodie and friends — a short film that will accompany Cars 2 — will help restore the value of the beloved brand.

It’s not the removal of the “’s” that has most fans up in arms, however, but the deletion of “Park” from the official name. Said one prominent Disney fan via Twitter from his mom’s basement, “That was one of the few ‘in’ jokes that Imagineers were able to sneak past Eisner and his cronies when California Adventure was in its infancy. I mean, it was a ‘park’ built on what used to be a parking lot, right? It was awesome!”

The name change was more than just a flight of fancy by park executives. Rather, it was the result of years of product testing, and will result in changes in signage and paper goods throughout the resort. In fact, the name change is expected to exhaust the bulk of the $1 billion Disney set aside to revamp the park. “That’s why we’ve had to cut corners here and there in the refurb,” said imaginary Imagineer Irene Iranirun. “If you think about it, you’ll see that we’re cutting corners everywhere. We’ve replaced a swing ride with a swing ride. We’re replacing a lake with a slightly more advanced lake. We’re replacing a parking lot with a tribute to cars. None of these are big stretches that require a lot of money, because the money’s all going to naming consultants and reprinting park maps.”

How will the name change impact you, the park guest? In three ways:

1. Disney California Adventure will now be referred to as “DCA,” instead of the former, more fun to say, DsCAP.
2. If you have any unused tickets to the old park, they’re now void. Unused park hoppers can only be used in Disneyland. Annual passes will have to be upgraded to allow entrance into the new park.
3. You can immediately start making fun of less knowledgeable people who still use the old name.
4. Lines for Toy Story’s Midway Mania ride will be drastically reduced. (However, lines for the Toy Story Midway Mania attraction are expected to double over the summer months.)