Disney Lies

Today marked the official final day of Disney/MGM Studios existence. To celebrate the occasion, the park’s maintenance department called a press conference and — with great ceremony and accompanied by fireworks — blew up the entire park.

Apparently this was a mistake and the park was not scheduled for demolition. “We were just going to change the name,” said a member of park management on condition that she not be quoted. “We weren’t going to close. I guess we can rebuild, but it might take a while. The place was due for some freshening up anyway.”

Plans are to open the park as usual tomorrow with warning cones around craters and smoldering rubble, and what shows and attractions that can be salvaged presented on the remaining street or in tents.

In anticipation of the success of next year’s Pixar feature WALL-E, the film’s title character is being given a home in Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom. At the end of the first quarter of 2008, WDW guests will be able to see a fifth-generation animatronic WALL-E in Tomorrowland Carousel of Progress.

The WALL-E (whose name we’re already tired of typing, what with all the caps) will replace replacing the family dog in all scenes. WALL-E’s technology will be in keeping with the time of each scene, beginning with a “steampunk” robot, moving to a version created with vacuum tubes, then to a smaller “transistorized” creature, and ending with a nano-technology robot that is so small the audience won’t even be able to see it.

This year, Walt Disney World employees donated more than 23,000 toys to the annual Toys for Tots charity drive, and this year more of the toys were purchased (rather than taken from park overstock or lost and found) than ever before. Unfortunately, due to a bit of miscommunication, all the toys were delivered to Mr. Jacob Tots in Miami who, although he says he appreciates the thought, plans to have a very large garage sale just after the new year.

Construction of the T-Rex restaurant in Downtown Disney has been halted indefinitely. Apparently, while digging the building’s new foundation, workers discovered a mineral pocket rich with fossilized trilobites. A Disney Archaeological Society cast member quickly identified them as new species and, under Florida law, ordered the dig site closed until the valuable fossils could be removed.

The opening of T-Rex will be delayed by at least a year. Said a Disney spokesperson of the delay, “Well, that’s ironic, isn’t it?” To which another spokesperson responded, “No, it’s just funny. You’re misusing ‘ironic’ again.” To which the first spokesperson responded, “Shut up, Howard.”

Walt Disney World is located in Florida’s Weedy Creek Development District, a county completely owned and operated by the Walt Disney Company. This allows the company to pass laws that will be beneficial to its guests (such as the ban on the sale of thong bathing suits to very large men) and its corporate interests (e.g., the death penalty for unauthorized DVD duplication). It also empowers the company to maintain its own police force, and yesterday the WDWPD raided a room at the All Star Movies hotel and made their largest bust to date.

As everyone knows, sale and possession of chewing gum is not allowed on WDW property, but Johan Wrigley and three coconspirators (Lester “Chews” Kent, Eddie “Stretch” Sanford, and Amanda “Double Bubble” Irvine) were found with twelve full and partial packs of the stuff in their room — more than enough to show intent to distribute. Gum was found in stick (or “line”), ball (or “goofball”), and chicklet (or “rock”) form, and several packs were bubble gum (known as “blow” on the streets).

Officer Adele Buster — who recently gained fame for righteously ejecting guests from Disney property at 2 a.m. because their kid knew a kid who was in a fight when they weren’t there — headed the raid. “These predators had it coming,” said Buster. “They say they only had the stuff for personal use, but we found lots of cash in their room and that’s clear evidence that they’ve been selling. Who brings piles of cash on vacation? They’re just thinking of themselves and not of the kids who get their hands on this stuff, chew it, and next thing you know it’s not just in their mouth, it’s in their hair or on their shoe or the shoe of a complete stranger. Gum is a gateway to all kinds of evil. Maybe these dealers will change their ways, maybe we’ll get through to them, maybe this will be a wakeup call — and not one of those cool recorded wakeup calls from Mickey Mouse. In any case, two hours in WDW detention will give them something to chew on.”

Those of you with a hankering for a bit of Irish may want to head for Walt Disney World on St. Patrick's day. In celebration, Downtown Disney's Raglan Road restaurant will feature an Irish theme all day long!

Walt Disney World has announced that the Eagle Pines golf course is going beneath the plow. Disney publicist Hans Gopher, when asked why one of the World's famous courses was being destroyed, replied, "There was a time when golf was a big draw for business people and conventioneers. But the world has moved on since then, and executives are a much younger group, less interested in the pastimes of their fathers."

Following through with this reasoning, Disney also announced that the golf course's former location would be used for the construction of a Four Seasons hotel in which every room contains a high-end computer connected to a server dedicated to Second Life, World of Warcraft, and other social networking and gaming applications more appealing to modern corporate America.

It has been announced that the seven resorts in Walt Disney World’s Downtown Disney resort area have spent more than $100 million upgrading themselves in the hopes that someone, somewhere will, some day, stay in one of them because they want to, and not just because it’s all they can afford. Upgrades include new beds, better televisions, and baskets of cash for first-time guests.