Disney Lies

Apparently, Disneyland and Walt Disney World are having quite a bit of trouble with counterfeit FASTPASSes. A number of new procedures are now in effect to stem the use of these harmful fakes (such as testing individual FASTPASSes with ultraviolet light to make sure that they are authentic and violently ejecting counterfeiters from the park onto a nearby highway), but just to be safe you should know how to tell a real FASTPASS from a fake one.For example, your FASTPASS may be a fake if:

• You bought it from a sleazy looking guy in a trench coat instead of obtaining it from a FASTPASS machine.
• The bar code spells “gotcha” in binary
• The attraction it’s for closed in the ’90s
• It’s printed on recycled Go Network promotional material
• The type looks hand drawn
• It says Knotts Berry Farm at the top

Beginning February 24, Hannah Montana-inspired makeovers became available at WDW’s Downtown Disney Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique. Reservations for the makeovers quickly sold out, with many parents complaining that scalpers snapped them up before real customers ever had a chance to purchase them.

One mother was almost hysterical that she had to pay $200 for daughter’s “The Full Montana” makeover, complaining that scalpers had driven the price so high that she could barely afford it, until she realized that $200 was, in fact, the makeover’s normal list price.

Last week, a judge dismissed a lawsuit against the Walt Disney Company regarding the use of Toyota Prius hybrid vehicles at Walt Disney World. Said Disney law aficionado Eubanks Q. Ambchaser, “The suit claimed that Disney discriminates against those with environmental sensibilities by requiring them to leave their fuel-efficient hybrid vehicles behind when they enter Walt Disney World theme parks. The plaintiffs asserted that these vehicles were far more efficient than many of the vehicles in use within the parks — such as steam engines, horses, and churro carts — and therefore could not be reasonably excluded. Disney countered that most walkways and attraction queues were not Prius compatible. District court judge Bob C. Payola laughed so hard at the charges that he had to change his robe, but dismissed the case before doing so.”

In anticipation of the new Indiana Jones film, Disney Hollywood Studios will be updating its Indiana Jones stunt show. “We have to keep up with the times,” said supposed stunt coordinator Roof Fallsalat. “Indy’s a little longer in the tooth, and that means he’s more experienced, but it also means that he has new problems to deal with.” Rumor has it that the new script pits Indy against a number of new challenges, including a failing memory, a rising belt line, lack of appeal to young women, an increased danger of breaking a hip, impotence, and forced retirement.

Epcot’s Innovations will soon be home to a new exhibit, StormStruck: A Tale of Two Homes’ Utter Destruction. This exhibit will show families in a graphic, realistic way just how easily their home can be destroyed by a hurricane, tornado, flood, fire, volcano, meteor, sinkhole, riot, broken gas main, out-of-control propane delivery truck, airplane crash, accidental industrial poison gas release, atomic power plant misadventure, lightning strike, zombie attack, quantum fluctuation, fit of parental psychosis, nuclear first strike, radon leak, or plague of reptiles/insects (among other things). But in Disney tradition the attraction’s serious message will be tempered with fun!

“It’s going to be a great time for everyone,” says Disney spokesperson Amy “Not a Real Spokesperson” Fakesalot. “We’re going to make kids wish their home could be destroyed!”

The StormStruck exhibit will be completely funded by FEMA, which, to date, has not sent Disney the promised funds and is apparently not even aware that the exhibit is under construction.

Later this year, a live version of the popular American Idol show will open at Disney Hollywood Studios, giving park guests a chance to be laughed at and criticized in a way they never could at some simple Pleasure Island karoke-night event. Guests will be able to try out for the opportunity to perform in front of C-list celebrity judges and an audience of other guests (who will be able to vote for their favorites via text message for just $1 — or $2 if they are on the Disney dining plan). The day’s winners will gather for an evening Grand Prize competition, with the big winner receiving a ticket for a place standing in a line outside the studio where the real American Idol is filmed so they can beg passing executives and celebrities for a chance to audition.

According to Wendy the Disney Psychic’s latest Mickey Mouse tarot card reading, later this year the Walt Disney Company will obtain the rights to that pop-culture phenomenon, the Flying Spaghetti Monster. An announcement will be made in the third quarter regarding the acquisition, along with art showing a planned FSM area at Disney’s Animal Kingdom. The new area will feature a themed restaurant, a no-denominational temple, and a meet-and-greet area where guests of all ages can come to be “touched by his noodley appendage.”

Disney’s Animal Kingdom will celebrate its 10th Anniversary on April 22nd of this year. In keeping with the park’s theme, it won’t be guests but rather the parks animals that get to celebrate their first decade of captivity. Animals will receive a special birthday edible treat, and every creature — from the tallest giraffe to the nakedest mole rat — will sport a festive party hat (which will be quickly replaced if eaten).

Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom’s Tomorrowland Indy Speedway’s vehicles’ engines’ fuel has been going through some experimental changes of late. Imagineers have been testing a number of vehicle prototypes for possible future use in the attraction, including vehicles that run on ethanol (from plants grown in Epcot’s The Land pavilion), electricity (generated by the movement of guests in the attraction queue), and natural gas (from the WDW stables).

According to reports, initial tests have been successful. But, surprisingly, guests overall preferred the nitrous-oxide-powered vehicle to any of the more energy-conserving vehicles. Who knew?

Effective January 1, Victoria & Albert’s restaurant — the only AAA+ five-diamond platinum tiara bonus gold state-fair-first-prize-winning restaurant on Walt Disney World property — no longer allows guests under the age of 10 within its gold-encrusted doors. The new policy was put in place to stop the increasingly popular practice of using the restaurant as a substitute for hotel child-care services, many of which are booked up months in advance.

“It was just too much trouble,” says Victoria Alberts, restaurant spokesperson. “Parents knew that dinner here lasts two or three hours, so they’d put Billy in a suit or throw a gown on Jane and drop them off at the restaurant so the parents could have time alone together. Dinner might cost $150, but have you seen the cost of a good sitter these days? And for an extra $50, parents could get wine parings with their kids’ meals, insuring that they’ll sleep through the night. For some vacationing parents, it was a real bargain.”

When asked what parents should do if they can’t find a sitter for their child on vacation, Alberts suggested, “They should just put their kid on a monorail or WDW bus and let them ride in circles for a few hours like everyone else does.”