Disney Lies

And now,  for your entertainment, a list of Disney quotes that sound like the setup for “That’s what she said” jokes:

• What do you want me to do, dress in drag and do the hula? (The Lion King)
• Look for the bare necessities. (The Jungle Book)
• You’re not getting cold fins now, are you? (The Little Mermaid)
• It’s all costumes and makeup. (High School Musical)
• No. No, you can’t. Stop! Please don’t go away! Please? No one’s ever stuck with me for so long before! (Finding Nemo)
• Oh, it’s not the first time I was tossed out of a window, and it won’t be the last. (The Emperor’s New Groove)
• We dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry on, we go home happy. What do you say? Come on. (Hercules)
• You are a sad, strange little man. (Toy Story)
• Use the wand of power! (Toy Story 2)
• We keep our transesophageal ganglia to ourselves. This means you, Jimmy. (Finding Nemo)
• Somebody! Stop those pants! (Ducktales: the Movie)
• What you need is a little advice from the love monkey. (Dinosaur)
• Things will look better in the morning. (The Jungle Book)
• I will call you squishy and you will be my squishy. (Finding Nemo)

Got suggestions for more? Leave them in the comments!

In response to an announcement on the Disney and More blog about a new, highly detailed 20,000 Leagues Beneath the Sea model of the Nautilus, famed cephalopod promoter and occasional blogger “P. Z.” Myers has (according to a post on the always reliable “Myers is a Godless Heathen” discussion forum) issued an ultimatum to the model’s creators.

Says Myers (badly quoted from a hostile source):

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea is the epitome of anti-tentacled-sea-creature propaganda. The death of a glorious giant squid is played for thrills instead of tragedy. It is such an affront to all that is decent that I can’t see how a benevolent God could possibly allow such a thing to exist. Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s an Internet poll about Ceiling Cat that I have to destroy.

Personally, we at DisneyLies.com love 20,000 Leagues Below the Sea and welcome this new model (which comes complete with working ram plate — for use against imperialistic remote-control boats — and a hint of Captain Nemo’s hidden angst), but are disappointed that its perfectly detailed pipe organ was removed for use in the company’s Haunted Mansion model.

At the DisneyLies corporate offices we’ve been hearing a lot about some of the Disney-themed “mashups” that fans without fear of copyright infringement have been creating. If you know where we can find any of the following (or other good ones) without landing ourselves in prison, let us know!

1. “The Tiki, Tiki, Tiki Room” vs. “Go!” by Tones on Tail
2. “The Beautiful People” by Marilyn Mansion vs. Swisskapolka
3. “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” vs. “Firestarter” by The Prodigy
4. Autotuned Disneyland Railroad spiels vs. “Last Train to Clarksville” by The Monkees

And if you can’t find these but want to make your own version, be sure to get all the copyright holders’ permission first so that you aren’t raided by record-company commandos in the middle of the night!

In no particular order:

1. Scratch a hard-to-reach place on your back
2. Have a friend hold it in their lips, then cut it in half with a whip
3. Use it as a tiny cane
4. Strap it to your chest and see what airport security has to say
5. Jokingly hold it under your nose as a cinnamon-flavored mustache
6. Shred it for use as hamster bedding
7. Use it as a handy holder for a stack of donuts
8. Toss it into a hurricane and see if it will go straight through a tree
9. Coat it in poison and put it at the bottom of a pit trap
10. Make a lamp out of it
11. Sniff it while on Soarin’ Over California to experience the lovely cinnamon-orange scent
12. Prop up a box to make a trap to catch cute little bunny rabbits
13. Conduct a symphony
14. Poke an attacking shark in the eye
15. Hold open the eyes of a giant that deserves the Clockwork Orange treatment
16. Wrap it in foil and reenact the “cucumber” scene from Spinal Tap
17. Participate in Jedi training
18. Throw it at a clown who’s out of pies
19. At the Pacific Wharf Cafe, ask, “Can you skip the bread bowl and just put my soup in this?”
20. Bend it; throw it; catch it when it comes back
21. Paint it; light it; join a candle-light procession
22. Plant it and hope it grows into a delicious tree
23. Bake it inside a cake so that it can more easily be smuggled into prison
24. Use it as a peg leg on your life-size gingerbread pirate ship model
25. Bring it to guest services and see if you can trade it for a turkey leg
26. Replace a missing Lego technic rod
27. Drop it in a bottle of diet Coke and see if it explodes
28. Replace the broken dowel on a hand-made towel rack
29. Use it as a last-minute substitute rolling pin
30. Show off your strength by using it as a bat to break a table leg
31. Brace a broken table leg
32. In Innoventions, pretend that it’s the new cordless Rock Band microphone
33. Use it (and your fingers) to count to 11
34. Bury it for the entertainment of future archaeologists
35. Hollow it out and use it as a glass for long, tall drinks
36. Attach your “trader” pins to it
37. Try to convince folks that it’s Oswald the Lucky Rabbit’s famous pal, Mr. Stick
38. Paddle an Explorer Canoe
39. Use it to measure a tower in “churro units”
40. Contribute to the filling of a local landfill
41. Hang it from a string next to the door as a handy sugar lick
42. Mail it to the Smithsonian so it can be preserved for the enjoyment of future generations
43. Test a very large car’s oil level
44. Send it to scientists for detailed chemical analysis and/or carbon dating
45. Keep it as a souvenir of the time that you bought so many churros that you couldn’t even eat one more without becoming seriously ill
46. Keep it as a souvenir of the time you couldn’t eat even one churro without becoming seriously ill
47. Give it to Billy Hill to use as a spare bow
48. Slice it into disks and play tidily winks
49. Run it over with a steamroller so that you have the longest, flattest, old churro in the world
50. Replace Jafar’s staff and see if he notices
51. Replace the wicked queen’s cauldron stirrer and see if she notices
52. Replace Michael Eisner and see if anyone notices
53. Whittle a chain out of it
54. Feed a soon-to-be-malnourished pet
55. Go on Autopia and pretend it’s a gear shift
56. Pole vault a very low fence
57. Throw it on the floor of a restaurant and see who can name all the health codes you’ve just broken
58. Give it a cute name, put a dress on it, and tell everyone that it’s your new best friend who will never betray you by telling things that you had made it swear it would never tell on pain of death (unlike some people that you could mention)
59. Put cotton candy on the ends to make a delicious giant Q-Tip
60. Prop open a lion’s mouth so it can’t bite you
61. Tell a jolly joke about how it looks so much like a stick that it must be “sticky.” (Repeat until parents and/or friends beg for mercy)
62. Hold it at arms length and run around on the PeopleMover track (since there’s nothing else going on up there)
63. Take it on the Tower of Terror, let it go, and watch it hover mysteriously in the air for a split second
64. Bar a castle door so invaders can’t get in
65. Sell it on eBay and retire with all the money you make
66. Bring it to a local school as an educational example of rotational symmetry
67. Use it as a replacement PDA stylus
68. On the Disneyland Railroad, throw it to the t-rex and yell “Fetch!”
69. Practice sword swallowing
70. Rub two of them together to start a fire
71. Ask those Mythbusters guys to blow it up
72. Twist it into a pretzel (for the irony)
73. Barter for an old chimichanga
74. Wait until it dies, then see if you can get it a position as Happy Haunt #1,000
75. Take it on Space Mountain to see what a churro in space would look like
76. Travel to Denmark and plug a hole in a dike so that the little Dutch boy can take a break
77. Try to lose it, then scream in horror as it somehow manages to find its way back to you again and again
78. Surgically replace a shattered bone
79. Kill a vampire
80. Find a notorious gangster who is attempting to get away from the police and throw it through the spokes of his bicycle
81. Burn it to ashes; spread the ashes in the Haunted Mansion
82. Put it in a safety deposit box as a legacy for your descendants
83. Sharpen one end and give it to Mickey to sign autographs with
84. Play “Rock, Paper, Churro”
85. Make an emergency replacement flute
86. Attach a heating element and electrical cord, wait until November, then give it to Rapunzel
87. Do your famous “Pinocchio” imitation
88. After a performance of “Two Brothers,” tell people you’re not crying, you’ve just got a bit of this old churro in your eye
89. Throw it in Splash Mountain to see if it will float
90. Try to bribe a guard who’s throwing you out of the park
91. Go on the Mission Tortilla tour, wrap it in a freshly made tortilla, and enjoy a tasty churrito
92. Take it with you into the Disney Animation building to find out what Disney character it is most like
93. Go to first aid and tell them you’re sick; when they ask you to open your mouth and say “Aaah,” tell them you brought your own tongue depressor
94. Use it (and thousands like it) to build the world’s biggest “ship made out of toothpicks”
95. Put it in the Large Hadron Collider and accelerate it to near the speed of light so that its mass increases 7,000 fold and it’s large enough to feed everyone in South America
96. See if it can be brought back to life with electrodes and lightning
97. Take it to the streets of San Francisco and club a mime into submission
98. Rub it for good luck
99. Stare at it until it boggles your mind
100. Just eat it anyway

I see that there is a new blog set up to help catch those nefarious types who would dare violate Disney’s blessed copyrights and trademarks. I encourage you to visit Disney Copyright Violations? immediately and send them any evidence you may have of Disney copyright piracy.

Maybe if you catch something really juicy, Disney will send you flowers for your birthday? Or raid your house and confiscate your computer as evidence? Or ignore you completely?

Who knows???

Thank you to everyone who has written to say that they miss this blog.

I am currently unable to maintain my writing schedule because an old injury was significantly aggrivated by — you’re going to love the irony here — an attraction at DCA. There was no indication that the attraction could aggrivate my condition so the injury was unexpected, and at the moment I can’t type for long periods of time so I have to save my typing capacity for my day job. I’ve been concentrating my online time on ComicsRemixed.com, as that lets me exercise my sense of humor (such as it is) without doing any typing.

I apologize for not posting about this sooner. Because my injury occurred at DCA, I kind of wanted to keep it quiet and give Disney a chance to change their signage so that others will not be injured as I was. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. After sending a note to Disney, I received an e-mail asking me to contact them so we could discuss the situation further. Since then, they have not replied to my e-mails or returned my phone messages. To say the least, I am disappointed. I am a massive Disney fan and really hoped that they would care about my situation more than this. I haven’t even visited the parks since this occurred (my annual pass is getting all dusty), since I just don’t feel right going there while this is hanging over my head.

But enough whining. My condition is improving, and I hope to be back in some capacity near the end of this month. In the meantime, if any of you are visiting a Disney property and have the chance to take some pictures (of Halloween decorations, characters, buildings, inside attractions — anything, really) I’d appreciate your e-mailing them to me at liar (at) disneylies.com so that I might try to have some fun with them in coming months.

Thank you all for understanding and for all the nice e-mails!

~Liar~