Disney Lies

Correcting our earlier correction, mathematics historians now inform us that four is not “a couple.”

Sorry again!

Yesterday’s closure of Disney’s Virtual Magic Kingdom caused such an uproar that Disney management has decided to rethink the entire situation. At this point, VMK will be closed for a month of “retooling,” after which it will be reopened — as the latest Disney Vacation Club property!

Guests who wish to purchase Virtual Magic Kingdom virtual property will receive a number of “points,” which may be exchanged for time visiting with friends and interacting with the VMK environment. Alternately, points may be used at more than 100 other online destinations, such as Club Penguin, World of Warcraft, and a variety of off-shore casinos.

Ownership will cost as little as $15,000/year for a family of four, and will be available anywhere Disney can fit a sales cart.

The Petersen Automotive Museum in Los Angeles (a city in California) is currently hosting an exhibit of items related to the Pixar film Cars.

We were rather disappointed in the displays. Many of them were framed artwork that was supposedly from the movie, but everyone knows that Cars was computer animated so there was no hand-drawn art. How dumb do they think we are. There were also some little statues of the characters, but the film wasn’t claymantion either. Very, very deceptive.

One nice feature of the exhibit was a gallery of full-size Cars characters in costumes as if they were in different Disney films. Below is a photo of Lightning McQueen in Pirates garb. Also present were Mater, dressed as Winnie the Pooh, and Doc Hudson as Tinker Bell.

Very soon, young Disney fans will be able to visit Disney’s latest online world, Disney’s Fairies Pixie Hollow (DFPH). DFPH joins Disney’s growing family of online worlds, which to date includes Virtually Magic Kingdom and Penguin Clubbing. DFPH will be very different than its predecessors, though, in that it will combine both familiar and new characters with World of Warcraft-style combat and character levels.

“You’ve never seen online combat until you’ve seen Pixie vs. Fairy combat,” says Tink Slaughter, a fictional Disney Online spokesperson. “There will be massive battles involving hundreds of the wee folk slinging blinding pixie dust, dive bombing in trails of sparkles, and folding their arms and pouting when enemies just won’t die as fast as they might like.”

Sounds great — sign us up!

It appears that the Hollywood writers’ strike is over — thanks, in part, to occasional quips to the media from former Disney head muckmaker Michael Eisner (or so says his publicist).

This will mean that many Disney Channel and ABC television shows can go back into production as soon as currently destitute production staff can be gathered, with hopes that many shows can be put “in the can” before the actors’ strike anticipated for later this year (to be followed by director, producer, key grip, best boy, animated character, foley, and craft services strikes, in that order, at five or six month intervals).

“The first order of business,” says alleged Disney spokesperson Sylvia Liesalot, “will be to get back to work on dozens and dozens of High School Musical sequels, remakes, and spin offs. There’s even going to be a retro reworking of the whole original HSM starring the original Mousketeers, or at least the surviving ones. And we’re going to try and work musical teenagers into other shows, like Lost and especially Desperate Housewives. After the strike, the writers must have piles of pent-up creativity, and we’re going to use as much of it as we can before they realize what a farce their new contract really is. Ha — just kidding on that one!”

Once again, Annie Leibovitz had photographically recreated three scenes from classic Disney animation using famous people as models. This set includes scenes from Aladdin (with Geri “Ginger Spice” Halliwell and as Jasmine, David Bowie as Aladdin, and Shaquille O’Neal as Genie), Peter Pan (with the late Dave Thomas as Wendy, Elton John as Tinkerbell, and Michael Jackson as Peter), and Pocahontas (with Pokémon in the title role).

This set of photos is being released much earlier than originally anticipated, largely because of growing controversy over Leibovitz photographic technique. Apparently, rumors are circulating that Photoshop or some kind of darkroom techniques are being used, and that they are not exactly as they appear in life (as Leibovitz swears on her mother-in-law’s life and a stack of what are apparently Bibles they are)

As January 30th is International Delete Your MySpace Account Day, Disney would like to remind you that today would be a great time to create a Virtual Magic Kingdom account (if you don’t already have one, which you should). International Delete Your Virtual Magic Kingdom Account Day isn’t until some time in November, so you’ll have plenty of time to enjoy your new pastime.

Disney’s The Little Mermaid musical premiered on Broadway last week, pleasing much of the crowd, but causing concern in those who did not realize that the theater would be filled with water.

The new production differs from the film version in a number of ways. For example, the actors are real people, and not just drawings of real people. Also, there are a dozen new songs by Alan Menken and Glenn Slater — creators of such musical triumphs as the music you hear in the background during some Disney Channel commercials. These new songs include Ariel’s “Wish I Had Feet to Put Shoes on,” Ursula and King Triton’s rollicking duet, “Gonna Punch You Inna Face,” and a clever scat number by Prince Eric’s dog.

Unfortunately, critics did not review the shows premier well. New York Times critic Pan Loudly called the show, “A soggy concoction with all the life of a filleted flounder.” The New York Post’s Bornina Barnes complained, “Like bad sushi, the show is raw, ugly, and potentially fatal.” USA Today did not have a review as such, but summed up other papers’ reviews in a colorful pie chart.

Disney’s new line of Mickey Mouse eyewear includes these cool Mickey Mouse contact lenses (click the picture for a better view). Originally sold in Japan, they are expected to be a big hit with American teenagers, particularly those who follow the “goth” culture. The only drawback for those wearing the lenses (aside from the difficulty of having to stick a little picture of a mouse in your eye) is that only Mickey’s nose is transparent, so wearers end up with a pretty severe case of tunnel vision (known as “mousekavision”).

If these prove popular, the line of contacts will be expanded to include images of Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Malefacent, Chernabog, the magic mirror, and Michael Eisner.

Disney has been a long-time participant in the annual Tournament of Roses parade, which features floats, marching bands, and equestrian units completely fashioned from flowers. Fans will surely remember such past Disney entries as the Tower of Terror float (a fully functional attraction complete with a two-block-long rose-covered queue), and the Disney/MGM Studios float (which controversially featured a Wizard of OZ scene in which a house fell on Michael Eisner).

This year’s entry — Disney’s Ninja Float — surprised everyone, both because it seemed to have nothing to do with the 2008 Tournament theme (”Passport to the World’s Corporations”) and because it operated in full ninja stealth mode for its entire run. Although the float was not seen, it certainly left its mark. The Knotts Berry Farms and Dreamworks floats were both fatally wounded before the parade even started, the NBC float, working through severe injuries, barely make it through the performance, and the city of Anaheim’s float had its affordable-parade-viewing section burned to the ground.