Archive for the ‘Other Resorts’ Category

Troubles in paradise

Tuesday, September 6th, 2011

A few days ago, Disney’s Aulani resort opened on the island of O’ahu, but already the new resort is shadowed beneath a cloud of shame (or volcano smoke — in Hawaii, it can be hard to tell the two apart).

Even before the resort opened its doors, all of the key executives responsible for its construction were asked to either resign or be reported to their parents and receive several demerits which would become part of their permanent record. All chose resignation.

Their reported misdeeds were many and varied, including:

  • Building the entire resort on the wrong island (O’ahu, instead of Catalina).
  • Forgetting to lock up for the night when they left, so a toucan got in and made a big mess that it took like an hour to clean up (plus it ate all the grapes).
  • Draining the main pool and packing it with hungry tarantulas.
  • Enforcing a “No shirts, no shoes, no beachgoing” policy.
  • Leaving a cursed tiki on the beach for Bobby to find.
  • Forgetting to check if the “Fire-Dancing Goofy” costume was flammable.
  • Messing up the purchasing department by accidentally typing “monkeys” instead of “room keys.”
  • Making distinctly un-Disney “Don Ho” puns.
  • Approving the “Sacrifice a Disney Princess to the Volcano God” pageant, Jessica Rabbit Hula Dancing Class, and Three Little Suckling Pigs Luau.
  • Not taste testing the cocoanut churros.
  • Letting guests buy timeshares for a nickel.

But perhaps the biggest snafu was giving the entire Aulani Resort and Spa a Harry Potter theme. Said a person in a suit loading a bunch of office supplies into a rental truck, “I still don’t see what the big deal is. Our research showed it would be very popular with guests to have umbrella flower leis and play Pineapple Quidditch, and besides, if Universal can have a Harry Potter thing, why can’t we? It isn’t fair!”

Because, apparently, there is some sort of trademark issue regarding Harry Potter, the entire resort had to be quickly converted to a more easily licensed “Hawaii Five-0” theme (as the commercials say, “You want suites? Book ’em, Danno!”).

Disney’s crack legal department has also recommended that other projects in which these executives had a hand be examined for potential areas of difficulty. For this reason, executives are investigating several Shanghai Disneyland attractions currently under construction, even though the (former) management insists that there is nothing related to Harry Potter anywhere on the property. Attractions being scrutinized include The Enchanted Dalek Room, Cylonland, “it’s a borg world,” Buzz Lightyear Aliens Blasters, Skeletor Mountain, Pirates of the Planet of the Apes, “Honey, I Blew Up the Terminator!”, Mr. Toad’s Matrix Ride, and Emperor Palpatine’s Castle, among others.

Disneyland on Yet Another Continent!

Saturday, July 17th, 2010

On the 55th anniversary of Disneyland, the Walt Disney Company celebrated by announcing that in 2015 they will be opening a new park, Disneyland Australia, in Australia.

Although complete details are not being released until they are finalized, the thing that we took to be a press release did say that the park will not be a clone of Disneyland, but “an experience that could only be had in Australia.” To drive this point home, it was announced that Disneyland Australia would have the following features:

  • Much more prominent presentation of Kanga and Roo.
  • A patriotic show about the history of Australia, including an animatronic Great Moments with Sir Edmund Barton show.
  • Security cast members will be armed with boomerangs.
  • Christmas parades and other activities will take place during the summer.
  • The Koala Bear Jamboree.
  • Instead of turkey legs and churros, snack carts will sell ostrich legs and really big churros.
  • The Rivers of America will retain its name, but will flow counterclockwise instead of clockwise.
  • Like the Disneyland original, Australia’s Alice in Wonderland will have an upside-down room, except that it will be rightside-up.
  • The Outback Tour will be much like the Jungle Cruise but will feature less water, bigger insects, a sacred emu bathing pool, a Tasmanian devil attack, and a rare view of “the back side of dingoes.”
  • The Pirates of the Caribbean attraction will end with the pirates being arrested by the British and shipped overseas.
  • At the snack bar outside the Enchanted Mimih Room, you’ll be able to purchase a delicious vegemite whip.
  • To better fit in Tomorrowland, the Autopia will be themed to a future where gasoline is rare, automobiles are covered in spikes, and Mel Gibson is considered sane.
  • Turtle Talk will be the same, but Australians will notice that Crush has no accent.
  • Beer will be available at all restaurants, even with kids’ meals.

Fourth of July Failure

Monday, July 7th, 2008

Main Street was decorated in red, white, and blue, flags flew from every lamppost, all the characters had special patriotic outfits, a parade was planned, and the orchestra was playing John Philip Sousa to beat the band (so to speak). But nobody came. The park was nearly empty. Less than a dozen people saw that evening’s quadruple-strength fireworks spectacular. It was a horrible, dismal failure.

“I guess Hong Kong just isn’t ready for the Fourth of July,” said Disney spokesperson Betty “Betsy” Ross. “Personally, it’s my favorite holiday, but they just don’t seem to get it here. It’s like they’re from some other planet.”

“it’s a small world” open — with complaints

Wednesday, April 30th, 2008

Two days ago, the new “it’s a small world” attraction opened at Hong Kong Disneyland, amidst much publicity and, it turns out, controversy. The ride was meant to boost park attendance, but if initial complaints are any indication, guests may be staying away form the shiny new attraction in droves.

Said one guest supposedly chosen at random, “There are just too many children, those little singing dolls. They get in the way so that it is hard to see all the wonderful Disney character figures that are the heart of this attraction.”

Some guests thought that the attraction was not unique enough. “This is just a copy of the ride at Disneyland,” said one guest. “Even the clock is set to California time, which can be confusing.”

A visitor from mainland China writes, “I am completely loyal to the party! Please do not arrest me or shut down my blog! Long live China! Please!!!!”

Disney representatives were unavailable for comment, but kind of rolled their eyes when they caught us looking at them.

More Hong Kong, Please!

Wednesday, January 23rd, 2008

Disney is considering purchasing an additional stake in Hong Kong Disneyland. The company hasn’t officially stated its reason for doing this, but according to one insider, “It’s just a gesture to show Disney’s confidence that everything is going to turn out fine — like when you’re playing Russian roulette and add a couple more bullets to the cylinder because you’re sure you’re not going to lose.”

Hong Kong Disneyland Milestone!

Thursday, January 10th, 2008

As attendance figures for its second year of operation are finalized, Hong Kong Disneyland welcomed its 10,000th visitor yesterday, with great fanfare and ceremony. “It took us a little longer to reach this milestone than anticipated,” said Disney spokesperson Hector “Optimist” Prime, “but we are pleased to have reached this milestone only some 730 days later than originally anticipated.”

The Lak Hung family was selected as the lucky 10,000th visitors. They were presented with certificates at a ceremony attended by both of the park’s other guests. The family was also offered lifetime passes to Hong Kong Disneyland, which they declined.

No Disneyland Shanghai!

Thursday, December 27th, 2007

There has been much speculation about Disneyland Shanghai, but today Disney spokespuppet Luke Funni announced that there are no plans to build another Disneyland clone in China. “The market’s just not there,” said Funni. “This has been demonstrated by Hong Kong Disneyland’s inability to attract visitors despite hundreds of acres of attractive landscaping largely uninterrupted by rides and attractions.”

Instead, Disney is going forward with plans for Disney’s California Adventure Shanghai, an exciting project that will bring the golden state to the land of the rising sun. As Funni describes it, “China loves everything about California. They wear our clothes, they pirate our movies — it’s like a phenomenon.”

We’ll keep you posted as details of attractions and building schedules are made available. Be sure to subscribe to our RSS feed so you won’t miss out!

New Disney Ticket Special

Friday, December 21st, 2007

As a bit of a holiday surprise, Disney announced today that it would be offering — for a limited time — special discounted prices on Disneyland 3-day “Gateway Park Hopper” tickets. The tickets are good for three days of fun with unlimited park hopping between Disneyland and Hong Kong Disneyland.


France’s Tower of Terror

Tuesday, December 11th, 2007

Walt Disney Studios Paris welcomed a new addition over the weekend — the thrilling Eiffel Tower of Terror. Guests visiting the new attraction are taken by elevator to the top of the imposing, skeletal structure where the ghost of a worker who died during its construction curses the conveyance and the elevator car plunges 986 feet to the ground!

Eiffel Tower of TerrorA retail store is cleverly positioned at the attraction’s exit so that guests can purchase souvenirs of their ride. There is also a photo spot where guests can have themselves digitally inserted into famous photos of the original landmark.

Disneyland Shanghai

Friday, December 7th, 2007

Hot on the success of Hong Kong Disneyland, rumors are strengthening about a new park, this time in Shanghai. Although at the moment there is nothing in concrete, a company insider tells us, “Disney is thinking of giving Shanghai Disneyland a strong pirate focus. The Pirates of the Caribbean films continue to be popular in Asia — they’re practically sold on every street corner — and let’s face it, nothing says ‘pirates’ like ‘Shanghai’!”