Disney Lies

Tim Burton fans will be thrilled to hear the famed director and hair stylist is returning to Disney to work on a trio of new animated features.

The first will be a remake of Disney’s classic Alice in Wonderland, reinvisioned so that it retains all of the biting nineteenth-century political satire of the original novels. As Burton has worked with Johnny Depp so many times in the past, the veteran actor will star as the title character.

Second on Burton’s Disney feature list is an expanded version of his frightening stop-motion short subject, Frankenweenie. For those of you who are not familiar with this brilliant piece of animation, it is the story of a young boy who, by calling upon certain forces that should have remained unknown to science, brings a frankfurter to life. Johnny Depp will voice the title character. Despite rumors to the contrary, there will be no cameo performance by Vincent Price, largely due to certain philosophical concerns.

The third in Burton’s trilogy of Disney epics will be a traditionally animated anthology feature in which Burton’s films are reimagined as Disney cartoons starring the “fab four” (Mickey, Minnie, Donald, and Goofy) and an animated Johnny Depp. The lineup is currently listed as: “Planet of the Ducks,” “Toontown Attacks!,” “Pee-Wee Mickey’s Big Adventure,” and “Goofy Sciscorhands.”

Continuing yesterday’s update on Pixar, details continue to emerge about the company’s next animated feature WALL-I. Informants deep within Pixar’s maintenance organization were able to provide DisneyLies with the following synopsis for this exciting science-fiction tear fest (which, ironically, was made by humans using computers to animate the computers that act like humans).

The movie is about a robot named WALL-I, the last robot left on Earth because all of the other robots’ dialogue was left unfinished due to the Hollywood screenwriter’s strike. Although WALL-I has work to do on Earth, he is always looking toward the stars because he has this one eye that wasn’t installed correctly and points up instead of straight ahead. WALL-I, although a robot, has human-like feelings, and falls in love with the beautiful EVA, a robot with an excellent singing voice and political aspirations in Argentina.

One unique aspect of this film is that the robot characters do not speak English. Rather, they speak in modern computer languages such as C++ and JavaScript (with older robots shown in flashbacks speaking Pascal, Fortran, or Cobol). In keeping with the technological theme, film’s soundtrack will be made available only in binary.

The rumors are true! Pixar, known for cutting-edge computer animation that shuns motion capture and other shortcuts in the same way that Windows Vista shuns reasonable pricing, now has a live-action film in pre-production! The film, Jimmy Carter, Warlord of Mars, will be a science-fiction romp through the adventures of a poor peanut farmer who is accidentally launched to Mars in his brother’s beer-powered rocket ship. He finds the red planet inhabited by bizarre creatures with more arms than are really necessary, but instead of fighting with them he puts their surplus appendages to work building homes for destitute Martians!

“This will be a feel-good movie for the whole family,” says some who isn’t John Lasseter but is using his name to sound like he knows what he is talking about. “And it will show the world that Pixar can kick serious backside, no matter what kind of film we’re doing. So there!”

On this, the 70th anniversary of its historic prodigal animated epic, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (an old movie), Disney is celebrating in its theme parks around the world! Today only, Snow White will make special appearances in each park, apples will be for sale on snack carts, and families with seven children and long-bearded dwarfs will enjoy half-price admission (to defray the celebration’s cost, the price of everything in the parks will be raised a celebratory $7).