Disney Lies

There was a major goofup last night involving the closing of Disney’s Virtual Magic Kingdom online guest simulation. Apparently, the memo saying that the online park would be going offline permanently last night at 10 p.m. was worded in a less than rigorous manner, causing some cast members to believe that it was Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom that was to be closed permanently.

Signs were placed outside the Magic Kingdom after closing explaining that the park was being shuttered, and ever-efficient Disney maintenance crews spent the night dismantling the park and preparing it for storage. By the time the mistake was discovered (at around 6:30 a.m. this morning), Adventureland, Liberty Square, and about half of Frontierland had been boxed, labeled, and prepared for shipping. Tom Sawyer Island had already been returned to its natural swampy condition, and the Country Bears were running wild in the absence of county animal-control officers.

“We were pretty embarrassed about the whole situation,” said Magic Kingdom spokesperson Beaufort “Clueless” Hamhead. “We think we can get the whole thing back together in a couple of weeks, and we’re already sending nice notes of apology to all the people we sacked, especially the ones we inadvertently put in crates instead of sending home.”

There has been much furor in recent days over the announcement that Walt Disney World’s Hall of Presidents will be closed for extensive maintenance and plussing. At first, it was rumored that the long refurbishment time for the attraction was due to the fact that all of the seats were being replaced (apparently guests are, on average, much larger to day than they were back when this attraction was first opened). However, rumors quickly began to spread that significant changes were being made to the attraction itself.

What changes? To make sure that we are not accidentally spreading substantiated rumors, we’ll let Managio Blunder — supposed Disney Director of Imagination Marketing — speak for himself: “The changes to the Hall of Presidents really aren’t anything to get excited about. We have been planning to plus the attraction for years, and when we noticed that a lot of materials were being created for Hong Kong Disneyland, we just decided to make an extra set that could be used to plus our attraction. So all we’re doing is adding Disney characters in a few key areas — Mickey advising George Washington, Stitch rooting around in Lincoln’s pants, that kind of thing — which our surveys show is what guests want. They want more characters. We’ll also be removing some of the less popular presidents and replacing them with leaders of other countries — such as France, Japan, and China — in the name of diversity. Oh, and we’re replacing that sappy opening speech with Disney Channel ads. Really, there’s no reason to get all worked up.”

Recently, the family of Disney Legend Blaine Gibson wrote to the Walt Disney Company, threatening mass suicide if the changes went through. Disney responded that they believed the changes were in keeping with the attraction’s original intent, “to delight guests with the great leaders of history.”

Because Warren G. Harding is one of the presidential figures scheduled for replacement, a group protesting the changes has gathered under the banner, “Stop the War on Harding.” They have set up a Web site, are gathering e-signatures, and promise to “keep bugging Disney until they get a clue.”

We’ll keep you posted as events develop!

On April 30, the Magic Kingdom's Swiss Family Robinson Treehouse will be closed to begin its conversion into a Disney Vacation Club property.

The Pirate & Princess Party returns to the Magic Kingdom this summer for several days in August and September. It is expected that the pirates will win again this year.

Disney has announced the list of performers for the annual Night of Joy Christian-music event at the Magic Kingdom, beginning September 7 at 7:30 p.m. Headlining the event will be the celebrated, award-winning chants of the Monks of St. Sebastian Straight-Arrow Choir. Pat Robertson's "Rappin' Rob" extravaganza will serve as a finale to the event.

While we're on the subject, tickets are still available for the annual Night of Darkness Anti-Christian-music event at the Magic Kingdom, beginning June 6 at 6:66 p.m. Ozzy Osbourne, Marilyn Manson, and the reunited Osmond brothers will perform.

According to current rumor, the Pirates of the Caribbean attraction at both Disneyland and Walt Disney World will be modified again in 2007. Apparently, animatronic figures of the Dali Lama will be placed in both attractions. At Disneyland, the figure will appear in the bayou section, replacing the old man who sits in a rocking chair (a character that generates many complaints, in that some people think that the creaking of his aging joints sounds something like banjo music).

At Walt Disney World's Magic Kingdom, "Dali" will appear at the very beginning of the cave section, "so as not to interfere with anything further into the attraction." Of course, this completely avoids the question of whether having this figure in the attraction makes sense at all.

So far as we were concerned, adding the Dali Lama to a Caribbean-themed pirate attraction made little sense, and we wondered what the heck Imagineering was thinking. After investigating this further, we discovered that, during a late-night telephone conversation, John Lasseter misunderstood a poorly pronounced "Tia Dalma," and when his orders came down the next day for the addition of the Dali Lama figure, nobody had the guts to stand up and say he was completely insane.

Go figure.