Disney Lies

In January, Disney’s Hollywood Studios will cut performances from five night a week to only two. We asked supposed DHS representative Francis “Fran” Tasia for an explanation of the cutback and she said, “There are a number of important safety, performance, and cost vectors at work here. First and most importantly is that Mr. Mickey Mouse is growing fatigued after so many years of performance. It is quite difficult, as you might imagine, to spend so many hours with your face frozen into the same happy smile day in and day out, and the ’shooting delightful magical sparks from his hands’ meme has left him with what can only be described as something akin to the early stages of shell shock. An additional factor is the desire to close DHS — that’s Disney’s Hollywood Studios, not Disney Homekingdom Security, which is an entirely disjoint matter, bless their hearts — early on multiple evenings. This left many possibilities, and it was judged that it was not practicable to continue performing Fantasmic! on evenings after the park had closed early and there were no guests to view it. Additionally, having Fantasmic! dark five nights a week was a potential cost/energy savings but it was decided that safety concerns precluded performances without lights on. Not performing but leaving lights on was the only remaining viable option that was legal in the state of Florida.”

Beginning in about a week, Sounds Dangerous at Disney Hollywood Studios will be closed for lengthy refurbishment. Apparently, due to a fluke in a maintenance contract, none of the lightbulbs in this theater have been replaced in years, so guests have been suffering through much of the attraction in what pretty much amounts to near darkness. When the attraction reopens, it will have all new, long-lasting, energy-saving light bulbs, remedying this problem.

Said supposed Disney World spokesperson Drew Carey (no relation), “The show is really much more entertaining if you can see the visuals clearly. Because its name was chosen to minimize anxiety in younger guests, those who have not experienced the attraction when it is in good repair may not know that it not only sounds dangerous — it really is dangerous! Up until now we’ve been fortunate that nobody has leaned forward in their seat at an inopportune moment, but with the lights on everyone will know exactly why they need to remain motionless at all times.”

After a long journey, the Block Party Bash parade has arrived in Florida and is being prepared to premier at Disney’s Hollywood Studios later this month. But already there are hints that the move from California to Florida was not as smooth as it could have been. Apparently, the parade performers, all native Californians, are having trouble adjusting to their new Florida home.

“There’s like, all these old people in this state,” says Krissi Taylor, a trampoline artist who has been with the Bash since its inception. “Even in the store they’re all like, ‘Don’t chew gum so much,’ and I’m like ‘Whatever.’”

“I’m not down with the bugs,” adds Duane Brown, who (ironically) works on the parade’s Bug’s Life unit. “Don’t they have Raid here?”

Staci Pennington adds her voice to the chorus of the annoyed, “It’s easy to get a tan, which is cool, but there’s like noplace here that sells organic and it’s like they think co-ops don’t even exist. When I’m at work it’s like, okay, smile, dance, and be happy, and it’s just like back home, but after work it’s all weird with too many swamps and not enough malls.”

Only time will tell if they will be able to adjust.

The Osborne Family Spectacle of Dancing Lights is lit at Disney-MGM Studios, bringing more than 6,600,000,000 tiny lights (one for each person on Earth, updated nightly) to life each night with enough electricity to power a destitute South American town for an entire year! The lights are programmed to twinkle and dance in tune to lively Christmas music (”Father Christmas,” “Christmas Wrapping,” “Oi to the World!,” etc.) and may prove inadvertently fatal to epileptics.

Disney trivia buffs know that every year a light-up purple cat is hidden amongst the lights. But very few know that this cat is a tribute to the famous purple cat Christmas poem of the same name (”I never saw a purple cat / I never hope to see one / But if I get one Christmas day / Bet it’s an L.E.D. one!”)

We close with a bit of sad news for fans of Christmas lights. This is the last year that the Osborne Family Spectacle will be shown at Disney-MGM Studios. Next year, and presumably for the foreseeable future, it will be presented for holiday celebrations at Disney’s Hollywood Studios instead. Sorry!

On January 7, Disney-MGM Studios will officially change its name to Disney’s Hollywood Studios, much to the pleasure of those who dislike hyphenated theme-park names. The name change is necessary because MGM has decided not to renew its branding contract with Disney. Although some analysts believe that this is because MGM is not pleased with the $1/day contract rate then Disney CEO Michael Eisner blackmailed them into, a Disney insider said it is more likely “because MGM is just a bunch of big meany jerko jerks.”

When questioned about why Disney’s Hollywood Studios was chosen as the park’s new name, Disney’s press correspondent corresponded, “It’s because the only other possible alternative, MGM’s Hollywood Studios, did not test market as well.”

In addition to switching signage, Disney will have to make many more subtle changes to the park, in keeping with its new image. For example, all the animatronic figures in The Great Movie Ride will now wear Muppet masks, and the title character in the Indiana Jones Stunt Show will be portrayed by Kim Possible.

Hanesbrands Inc. has signed up as sponsor of Disney-MGM Studios’ Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith. An exciting line of Hanes Men’s Rock ‘n’ Roller Briefs (as worn by Aerosmith) was also announced.