This was a weird one — possibly the most complex song The Square has ever done, and also possibly the most obscure. Thank goodness it’s danceable, because anyone who isn’t intimately familiar with Main Street’s Market House party line telephone isn’t going to have any idea what the lyrics are about.

This was a hard one to transcribe because it’s a conversation with three people. I put the main woman in regular type, the man in italics, and the third woman in bold. Play the Lady Gaga original and try to sing along — you’ll hurt yourself!

Party Line Telephone
(Apologies to Lady Gaga)

Hello, hello, I’m calling you? Is anybody there?
I have got the telephonic call Eugenia.
Hello, yes, thank g-goodness I want to report a fire.
I see my barn burning and the situation’s dire.

The situation’s dire
The situation’s dire
Flames are coming through the door
My barn is on fire.

Just a second, something is on fire did you say?
Then you’ll be wanting to talk to the fire chief, eh?
I’m sure he’s the man you want, but that just isn’t me.
I’m Quentin Spoon the city’s only postmaster, see?

Stop talkin’, stop talkin’, can’t you hear my barn is on fire?
I called for help ‘cross this new-fangled phone wire.
Stop talkin’, stop talkin’, can’t you hear my farm is on fire?
I called for help ‘cross this new-fangled phone wire.

d-d-d-d-d
Stop ignorin’ me
d-d-d-d-d
I’m frantic
d-d-d-d-d
Stop ignorin’ me

I thought I rang up the fire station.
And you did we all share this telephone
‘Cause it’s all that and more, it’s the general store,
And it’s also the post box telephone.

Hurry and get me the fire chief now,
Gotta reach him before my barn burns down.
It’s me, Quentin Spoon, I’m the fire chief, too.
Man’s gotta wear a whole lotta hats in this town.

If you’re the chief why not tell me so?
I’ve got to put my hat on.
Have to have the hat on.
An official hat on.

Could we please get back to my barn?
Just let me get my ink pen.
Alrighty let’s go, Miss.
Tell me, what is your name then?

I’m Mrs. Thelma Bird, 23 Elm Tree Lane
Now did you say that that was Mrs. Bird, did you say?
B-I-R-D Bird You said you spell it with a Y?
Not Y it’s I it’s Bird, okay? Okay, I’m listenin’.

No call for screamin’
No call for screamin’
No reason to get mad Miss Ird
No call for screamin’.

Stop talkin’, stop talkin’, can’t you hear my barn is on fire?
I called for help ‘cross this new-fangled phone wire.
Stop talkin’, stop talkin’, can’t you hear my farm is on fire?
I called for help ‘cross this new-fangled phone wire.

Stop talkin’, stop talkin’, can’t you hear my barn is on fire?
I called for help ‘cross this new-fangled phone wire.
Stop talkin’, stop talkin’, can’t you hear my farm is on fire?
I called for help ‘cross this new-fangled phone wire.

d-d-d-d-d
Is that you Thelma Bird?
d-d-d-d-d
Is that you?
d-d-d-d-d
Show a bit more respect.
d-d-d-d-d
To Quentin.

Gertrude you get off this line right now
Say Gertrude just how can I help you out?
I just want to know can you tell me for sho’
If my peacock feathers have arrived at the store?

Sounds like this calls for my postman hat.
Wait, can’t we all just forget about that?
Gertrude just let me be, it’s an emergency.
And my package is not? We’ll see ’bout that!

My barn’s on fire, m-m-my barn’s on fire.
Well all righty then miss,
What was that address?
23 Elm Tree lane with the barn on fire.

My barn’s on fire, m-m-my barn’s on fire.
Well I guess that’ll kind
Make it easy to find.
Well now it’s collapsed so there’s no more fire.

This has been an authentic 1890 party line conversation.
Please never take your cell phone for granted again.

Clueless Guest
(Apologies to Lady GaGa)

Ooooooh,
Stuck with a clueless guest
Ooooooh,
Stuck with a clueless guest

Oh-uh-ha-ha-ha
Where’s the, oh where’s the
Wait wha? Oh, uh uh
What a clueless guest.

Who huh? Na na na.
How’s the, who’s the wha?
When’s the, fa la la
What a clueless guest.

You might be ugly,
You might be diseased,
You might be badly dressed,
It’s okay with me
Unless you’re dense,
Dense, dense, dense,
Unless you’re dense.

Yes we sell water,
No churros aren’t free.
No I won’t watch your kid, oh don’t make a scene.
Please get a clue,
Clue, clue, clue
Please get a clue.

You ask for the bathroom,
While you stand in a bathroom,
Then you’re a real clueless guest.

You’re on the Mark Twain and look for stairs below deck,
So to me you are a clueless guest.
You ask me where to go for pictures with Shrek,
So to me you are a clueless guest.

Ooooooh,
Stuck with a clueless guest
Ooooooh,
Stuck with a clueless guest

Mouse ma fo fa fa
Ride the, ride the wha?
He ha, no no ma
What a clueless guest

Your kid’s way too short,
You say she’ll be fine.
Has safety ever even crossed your mind?
Please get a clue,
Clue, clue, clue
Please get a clue.

No you can’t climb that,
Please move through the gate.
The trash cans weren’t designed to hold a man’s weight.
You’re being dense,
Dense, dense, dense,
You’re being dense.

You know that I want to
Do what I can to help you
(‘Cause I’m a cast member, baby)
But you’re a real clueless guest.

You ask if Mickey’s house is okay for kids,
So to me you are a clueless guest.
You ask me where the Magic Mountain line is,
So to me you are a clueless guest.

Ooooooh,
Stuck with a clueless guest
Ooooooh,
Stuck with a clueless guest

Oh-uh-ha-ha-ha
Pi-rate, pi-rate huh
Wait wha? Oh, uh uh
What a clueless guest.

Who huh? Na na na.
Prin-cess, prin-cess huh
When’s the, fa la la
What a clueless guest.

Walk, walk, you can’t stand there,
There’s going to be a big parade here,
Walk, walk, you can’t stand there,
Traffic’s really backing up here.

Walk, walk, you can’t stand there,
Cross the rope and you can watch here,
Walk, walk, I can’t stand here,
No, go the other way lady!

Don’t want your love,
I just want you in line.
Don’t want your love,
I want you in your seat.
por favor mantenganse alejado de las puertas
permanecer sentados por favor

Please don’t run in the park.
(You are a clueless guest; you are a clueless guest)
Yes you have to wear shoes.
(You are a clueless guest; you are a clueless guest)
(Stuck with a clueless guest)

Don’t let your kids in the plants.
(You are a clueless guest; you are a clueless guest)
Don’t change your babe on the bench.
(You are a clueless guest; stuck with a clueless guest)
You are a clueless guest

You want to know if the dinos are real,
So to me you are a clueless guest.
You ask where you can get a cheap, healthy meal,
So to me you are a clueless guest.

Ooooooh,
What a clueless guest.
Stuck with a clueless guest
What a clueless guest.
What a clueless guest.
Stuck with a clueless guest

Mouse ma fo fa fa
Ride the, ride the wha?
He ha, no no ma
What a clueless guest

By the way, Edison Square has a strict “no recording” policy at their concerts, so we can’t put up a file for you to enjoy. However, in the spirit of Disney-fan camaraderie (and with the band’s permission) we’d like to invite you to send us an MP3 of your band playing this song (or another of Edison Square’s classics, like our favorite, “Welcome to the Jungle (Cruise)”). We’ll post the best entries to the blog with your name and a link to your site and then choose one to receive an autographed copy of Liar’s Guide to Disneyland and $50 American cash!

Without a Churro
(Apologies to U2)

From the moment we arrived,
Every line on every ride,
I went with you.

Stayed together while we ate,
Now it’s getting pretty late,
But I won’t leave with you.

Without a churro,
Without a churro.

On our feet 12 hours or more,
We had a snack but I want more,
Come on would it kill you?

Buy me a churro,
Buy me a churro,
Oh, I can’t live,
Without a churro.

They are cinnamon and sweet,
The taste lifts me off my feet,
As a snack,
As a snack,
As a snack they can’t be beat.

No ice-cream mouse,
No turkey leg, No popcorn tub,
They’re not what I want, so
Please don’t make me beg.

They should give the things away,
They should give the things away,
But that’s not,
But that’s not,
But that’s not the Disney way.

Without a churro,
Without a churro,
I can’t live,
Without a churro.

(Various cries of churroless suffering)

Without a churro,
Without a churro,
Oh, I can’t live,
Without a churro,
Without a churro.

Two Skippers

Two skippers on their way,
Two skippers on their way,
Two skippers on their way,
Every boat was crammed that day.

Every boat was crammed that day,
The queue upstairs went all the way,
To where there’s robot snakes at play,
All on a Jungle Cruise morning.

One was funny, one was not,
One was funny, one was not,
I had a 50-50 shot,
Guess which one’s the one I got.

Every joke felt old and stale,
The whole thing was a major fail,
If groans were crimes he’d rot in jail,
All on a Jungle Cruise morning.

All on a Jungle Cruise morning.

The announcement, made through an anonymous e-mail to this blog, was not clear on when the showing would begin, so we encourage DisneyLies readers to contact Disney directly and pester them until they make a more formal announcement.

In the meantime, we invite you to fondly remember the good Captain by singing along with Disney band Edison Square’s song EO.

The song, sung to the tune of “Hello, Dolly!” (what else?) goes a little something like this:

Hello, WALL*E!

WALL*E
Hello, Slinky
Well, Hello Twinkie
You’re so nice when I go home you’ll come along.
This is a swell, tea cup
These are a D cup
This one’s glowin’, this fan’s blowin’
They’ll all come along.
I am a bit lonely
And I wish only
That I had a friend who wasn’t just a roach.
So, crush that trash, WALL*E
Cannibalize some parts, WALL*E
WALL*E’ll never have a friend again.

EVE
Hello WALL*E!
Well, hello WALL*E!
I enjoyed when you put on that ancient song.
Hey what is that, WALL*E?
It’s a plant, WALL*E,
It’s still growin’, so I’m goin’
I must move along.
No more time for playin’
‘Cause I’m not stayin’
My directive says I must go home again, so

WALL*E
None of that, EVE
I’m gonna come along, EVE

Eve
I promise you’ll never be alone again

WALL*E
I flew away clinging on to a space ship
And through the atmosphere’s haze
I followed EVE through the maze of the space ship
Together we’ll show Captain the good old days

Humans
Those good old days
Hello, Well Hello WALL*E
Well hello, like my chair, WALL*E?

WALL*E
It’s sure nice but do you like my girlfriend’s gun?

Humans
Girlfriend’s gun

WALL*E
Please understand, Captiain
Can you stand, Captain?
AUTO’s gone insane, is over wrought, and glares like HAL

Humans
We can’t get thinner
If we drink dinner
So we must turn this ship Earthward once again
So…

WALL*E
This is grand, people
EVE finally held my hand, people

Humans
WALL*E’ll never be alone again

It’s really quite fabulous. Our favorite track? The Haunted Mansion themed song “Fears.”

Enjoy!

I am a failure.
You thought I would be a
Huge success.
It’s hard to deal with all of this rejection.
Disney California.
It sounded just brilliant at the time
On day one I was a star.
But on day two I was dead.

Focusing on shopping was a major mistake.
As was putting nothing in a gigantic lake.
But to just let me die,
Would be a big black eye,
So years later I am still alive.

Superstar Limo.
God I am so depressed right now.
The prices at the restaurants almost killed me.
The lack of attractions.
And nothing for younger kids to do.
Every complaint hurt because they were all totally true.

Now it’s eight years later,
Profits are a flat line.
But a billion dollars is going to be mine.
So I know you got burned,
But I think the corner’s turned,
And they’re working to keep me alive.

Go ahead and leave me.
I know that there’s fireworks outside.
Maybe you’d like someone else’s vision.
Cynthia Harris.
(That was a joke. Ha ha. That bitch.)
Anyway I will be great when the placemaking is done.

Look at me still whining when there’s building to do.
Add a night-time show,
And some Pixar stuff, too.
There are failures to be killed,
And some theming to rebuild,
But a billion will keep me alive.

Two-fer tickets and I’m still alive
Toy Story Midway and I’m still alive
A Cars attraction and I’m still alive
A new entrance and I’m still alive
One-point-one billion and I’m still alive
Still alive.
Still alive.