Archive for the ‘Disneyland’ Category

“it’s a small world” — best lyrics

Monday, March 31st, 2014

After an enormous amount of research and experimentation, is proud to present you with the complete, definitive list of “it’s a small world” theme-song lyrics, in order, from worst to best.

18. It’s a small, small world.

17. It’s a small, small world.

16. It’s a small world after all.

15. It’s a small world after all.

14. It’s a small world after all.

13. It’s a small world after all.

12. It’s a small world after all.

11. It’s a small world after all.

10. It’s a small world after all.

9. It’s a small world after all.

8. That it’s time we’re aware

7. There is just one moon and one golden sun.

6. And the oceans are wide

5. Though the mountains divide,

4. It’s a world of hopes and a world of fears.

3. It’s a world of laughter, a world of tears.

2. There’s so much that we share,

1. And a smile means friendship to everyone.

“it’s a small everything”

Sunday, March 30th, 2014

“it’s a small world” is notable for its song, the train-wreck-like fascination it brings, and the strange capitalization in its ever-quoted name. In honor of the attraction’s upcoming 50th anniversary, we hereby offer a little look at what a list of Disneyland attractions might look like if all of them were named in the style of “it’s a small world.”

Main Street, U.S.A.

  • “it’s an old railroad”
  • “it’s some classic cartoons”
  • “it’s a one-way ride”
  • “it’s a robot president”


  • “it’s a circle rocket”
  • “it’s a small car”
  • “it’s a single rail”
  • “it’s a fish tube”
  • “it’s a round building”
  • “it’s a rocket coaster”
  • “it’s a space tour”
  • “it’s a zurg blaster”
  • “it’s a space musical”


  • “it’s a curious ride”
  • “it’s a small train”
  • “it’s a princess queue”
  • “it’s a fairy queue”
  • “it’s an elephant queue”
  • “it’s a small world”
  • “it’s a white horse”
  • “it’s a tea party”
  • “it’s a yeti sled”
  • “it’s a wild ride”
  • “it’s a flying ship”
  • “it’s a real boy”
  • “it’s a charming walk-through”
  • “it’s a wishing well”
  • “it’s a scary ride with a witch that may be too intense for small children”
  • “it’s a tiny village”


  • “it’s a runaway train”
  • “it’s an infrared gun”
  • “it’s a stage show”
  • “it’s a white steamboat”
  • “it’s a pirate’s lair”
  • “it’s a brief raft ride”
  • “it’s a copy of a ship”


  • “it’s a forbidden eye”
  • “it’s an old joke”
  • “it’s a tree house”
  • “it’s a bird room”

New Orleans Square

  • “it’s a ghostly retreat”
  • “it’s a pirate’s life”

Critter Country

  • “it’s an unpowered canoe”
  • “it’s a damp log”
  • “it’s a horrible mistake”

Mickey’s Toontown

  • “it’s a rodent’s tree-house”
  • “it’s a duck’s boat”
  • “it’s a small roller-coaster”
  • “it’s an age-restricted playhouse”
  • “it’s a mascot’s house”
  • “it’s his girlfriend’s house”
  • “it’s a caustic dip”


  • “it’s a parade”
  • “it’s a river show!”
  • “it’s a crowd watching fireworks”


10 Questions Frequent Disneyland Visitors Are Tired of Hearing

Saturday, March 22nd, 2014
  1. Are you going to Disneyland?
  2. You’re not going to Disneyland, are you?
  3. You’re going to Disneyland again?
  4. No, really, you’re going again?
  5. Weren’t you just there like yesterday?
  6. Why do you go to Disneyland so much?
  7. You don’t think that’s normal behavior, do you?
  8. Don’t you get tired of it?
  9. How many times have you gone this year?
  10. Anyway, can I go with you?

Haunted Mansion Mega-Quiz!

Saturday, March 15th, 2014

Today, as an added entertainment for our advanced readers, we bring you the official DisneyLies Haunted Mansion Mega-Quiz! This is a test of Disneyland Haunted Mansion trivia and knowledge so in-depth, so challenging that we recommend that those of you who are mere casual or occasional Mansion visitors not even attempt it, for fear of losing your very sanity!

Now, on to the quiz.

The instructions are simple: Just choose the lettered answer that best completes the phrase. Good luck!

Haunted Mansion Mega-Quiz

1. Welcome,

A. foolish mortals,
B. ferrous metals,
C. fishy mantles,
D. ninja turtles,

2. to the Haunted Mansion! I am your host, your

A. host ghost.
B. ghost host.
C. most grossed.
D. roast toast.

3. Kindly step all the way in please

A. and make room for everyone.
B. and get set for spooky fun.
C. Say bye to Mr. Sun.
D. Pardon this frightful pun.

4. There’s no

A. milking a cow.
B. starting a row.
C. wondering how
D. turning back now.

5. Our tour begins here in this gallery where you see paintings of some of our guests as they appeared in their

A. corruptible, mortal state.
B. enjoyable, western state.
C. undrivable interstate.
D. prom clothes without a date

6. Your cadaverous pallor betrays an aura of

A. exploding,
B. foreboding,
C. fur coating,
D. misquoting,

7. almost as though you sense a

A. disquieting metamorphosis.
B. disturbing megamouth porpoise.
C. creeping mental psychosis.
D. zombie Disneyland princess.

8. Is this haunted room

A. coyishly fetching?
B. subtly retching?
C. always kvetching?
D. actually stretching?

9. Or is it your

A. imagination?
B. hallucination?
C. prolonged vacation?
D. regurgitation?

10. And consider this

A. decaying old crustacean:
B. delaying conversation:
C. dismaying observation:
D. dance interpretation:

11. This chamber has no windows and

A. no doors
B. odors
C. two floors
D. clogged pores

12. Which offers you this chilling challenge:

A. to leave behind doubt!
B. to find a way out!
C. to leverage your clout!
D. to love a gay trout!

13. Of course, there’s always

A. my way.
B. Coldplay
C. Earth Day.
D. Amway.

Correct answers: 1. D, 2. D, 3. D, 4. A, 5. B, 6. A, 7. D, 8. C, 9. C, 10. D, 11. D, 12. D, 13. B


Wednesday, March 12th, 2014

We are great fans and long-standing members of It’s an excellent place to get all of the data you need to fastidiously micro-manage your next Disney trip.

We thought it might be interesting to take some of the data that Touringplans cranks out and use it to generate the standard Funrate for all of Disneyland’s most popular attractions. As industry insiders know, a “Funrate” is the ratio of the total number of minutes you spend at an attraction (including the queue) to the total number of minutes you spend actually enjoying an attraction (not including the queue). This assumes that any time you spent on, in, or participating in an attraction is enjoyed, any time waiting to enjoy the attraction is not enjoyed, and there is no travel time involved to get to the attraction in the first place. Strictly, this may not be the case, but we assume the entire concept was dreamed up by an economist, and you know how they are.

In short, an attraction’s Funrate is the cost in minutes for each minute spent enjoying an attraction. The closer to 1, the better. Theoretically, the best attractions are those with the lowest Funrate.

That said, here are all of Disneyland’s main attractions listed by their Funrate on a randomly chosen day last month.

Attraction Funrate
Chip ‘n Dale Tree 1.00
Disney Gallery 1.00
Donald’s Boat 1.00
Goofy’s Playhouse 1.00
Main Street Cinema 1.00
Mickey’s House 1.00
Minnie’s House 1.00
Sleeping Beauty Castle Walkthrough 1.00
Tarzan’s Treehouse 1.00
Pirate’s Lair on Tom Sawyer Island 1.11
Innoventions 1.25
The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh 1.38
Mark Twain Riverboat 1.39
“it’s a small world” 1.43
Davy Crockett’s Explorer Canoes 1.45
Disneyland Railroad 1.45
Sailing Ship Columbia 1.50
Pirates of the Caribbean 1.65
Disneyland Monorail 1.67
Main Street Vehicles 1.71
Jungle Cruise 1.80
Haunted Mansion 2.08
Indiana Jones Adventure 2.15
Splash Mountain 2.16
King Arthur Carrousel 2.25
Captain EO 2.29
Finding Nemo Submarine Voyage 2.31
Buzz Lightyear Astro Blasters 2.33
Enchanted Tiki Room 2.34
Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln 2.43
Star Tours: The Adventures Continue 2.43
Casey Jr. Circus Train 2.63
Matterhorn Bobsleds 2.69
Storybook Land Canal Boats 2.97
Pinocchio’s Daring Journey 3.17
Space Mountain 3.55
Pixie Hollow 3.70
Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride 3.88
Autopia 4.28
Roger Rabbit’s Car Toon Spin 4.56
Alice in Wonderland 5.13
Mad Tea Party 5.33
Gadget’s Go Coaster 6.25
Big Thunder Mountain Railroad 7.14
Snow White’s Scary Adventures 7.63
The Royal Hall 9.20
Dumbo the Flying Elephant 9.23
Peter Pan’s Flight 9.92
Astro Orbitor 10.00
Meet Anna and Elsa from Frozen 19.00

After analyzing all of this, one lesson is clear: there’s a reason for those crowds of economists hanging around in Toontown.

Disneyland in the movies

Saturday, March 1st, 2014

Have you ever wondered how different movies would be if they all took place in Disneyland? We have…

“Frankly, my dear, I don’t say damn.” —Gone with the Wind

“You don’t understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I could’ve been somebody, instead of a lucky rabbit, which is what I am.” —On the Waterfront

“Pluto, I’ve got a feeling we’re not in Missouri anymore.” —Wizard of Oz

“Go ahead, make my sundae.” —Sudden Impact

“You talkin’ to Mickey?” —Taxi Driver

“I love the smell of Main Street in the morning.” —Apocalypse Now

“I see happy people.” —Sixth Sense

“You had me at ‘collectable.'” —Jerry Maguire

“One morning I ate a churro in my pajamas. How it got in my pajamas, I don’t know.” —Animal Crackers

“There’s no crying in Fantasmic!” —A League of Their Own

“Dee-doo-dah, dee-doo-ay.” —Annie Hall

“Well, here’s another nice line you’ve gotten me into!” —Sons of the Desert

“Here’s Mickey!” —Shining, The

“Forget it, Jake, it’s Toontown.” —Chinatown

“I have always depended on the kindness of cast members.” —A Streetcar Named Desire

“Tigger! Tigger!” —National Lampoon’s Animal House

“They call me — Mister Mouse!” —In the Heat of the Night

“I’m as mad as Donald, and I’m not going to take this anymore!” —Network

“Mouse. Mickey Mouse.” —Dr. No

“There’s no place like the Monsanto Home of the Future.” —The Wizard of Oz

“I am big! It’s the upper portions of the buildings on Main Street that got small.” —Sunset Boulevard

“Show me the Mickey!” —Jerry Maguire

“Why don’t you come up sometime and see the secret basketball court?” —She Done Him Wrong

“Play it, Sam. Play ‘Baroque Hoedown.'” —Casablanca

“After all, tomorrow is another land!” —Gone with the Wind

“FASTPASS? We ain’t got no FASTPASS! We don’t need no FASTPASS! I don’t have to show you any stinking FASTPASS!” —Treasure of the Sierra Madre

“Mama always said life was like a Vinylmation. You never know what you’re gonna get.” —Forrest Gump

“Animatronics.” —The Graduate

“We’ll always have Paris.” —Casablanca

“Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good wait-time app on your phone, kid.” — Star Wars

“May the mouse be with you.” —Star Wars

Bad Disneyland advice

Friday, February 14th, 2014

There was a nice article on today about bad advice that people often give to Disney World guests, so we thought we’d balance out the equation and share some of the worst advice we’ve heard given to Disneyland visitors. Here goes:

  1. The Haunted Mansion is even scarier if you scream at the top of your lungs the whole time from the moment you enter the building.
  2. If you’re hungry, you can hang out in the Rivers of America near the Hungry Bear Restaurant and people with throw you free bread.
  3. Don’t miss Heimlich’s Chew Chew Train!
  4. The chains in the queues are really more of a guideline than a rule.
  5. Guests are encouraged to clap their hands and stomp their feet along with the flag retreat ceremony.
  6. You can get spectacular pictures of the World of Color with black-and-white film.
  7. Try licking the buildings — every Disney “land” has a distinct flavor.
  8. Look for the gold disk in the walkway under the castle that marks the burial place of the last person to ever disagree with Walt.
  9. You don’t really need to plan on having to go to the bathroom at Disneyland.
  10. When traveling with a large party, don’t walk separately like a bunch of strangers. Instead, go down the sidewalk shoulder to shoulder so you can easily talk to each other while slowly making your way through the park, drinking in the scenic details.
  11. Shout out your own jokes on the Jungle Cruise (e.g., “I’d never kill a zebra — I’m not lion” or “I haven’t heard that joke — is it gnu?”).
  12. On roller-coaster type rides, you can stack two or more children to get around height requirements.
  13. If the queue at an attraction’s entrance is too long, try going in the exit and then acting like you’re flustered, upset, and unable to speak English until they let you on the ride.
  14. If a cast member is trying to tell you to do something like move your stroller or not stand in a walkway to watch a parade, you can always get them to stop by reminding them that it’s a free country.
  15. If you’re traveling with kids, you can increase the intensity of their enjoyment by making sure they don’t sleep the night before and eat only sugar and carbs all day.
  16. During performances of Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln, gentlemen should remove hats and shirts.
  17. In a life-and-death situation, a Churro is a perfect weapon.
  18. You’re going to want to go on “it’s a small world” at least five or six times to make sure you don’t miss anything.
  19. Don’t worry too much about money. Once you’ve got your admission ticket, everything else is pretty much free.
  20. If you can’t make it to Disneyland, go to Magic Mountain instead. It’s pretty much the same thing.

Petrified document

Monday, February 3rd, 2014

We don’t have the time for a normal, well-researched (sic.) post today, so instead we are offering a bit of Disneyland memorabilia: a scan of the recently discovered invoice and delivery instructions for the petrified tree stump that Walt Disney purchased as an anniversary gift for his wife and which she wisely said he should keep at Disneyland if he thought it was so great! Enjoy!

Petriefied tree invoice

(click to see it in full, readable size)

Disneyland Best and Worst of 2013

Friday, January 17th, 2014

It’s taken us a couple of weeks, but we’ve finally tabulated your votes for the official DisneyLies Readers Disneyland Best and Worst of 2013! Thank you to all who participated — your magnificent prizes are in the mail!

And now, without further ado, the results!

Best: Haunted Mansion. Always a crowd pleaser, the Haunted Mansion hit it out the park this year with the addition of appropriate smells in each scene.
Worst: The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh. Never a big hit with die-hard Disneyland fans, the Pooh attraction became even more disturbing this year with the addition of appropriate smells in each scene.

New Attraction
Best: Jingle Cruise. The fact is that any animal is funnier with a Santa hat on.
Worst: Royal Hall. Everyone is still bitter that this princess meet-and-greet, lovely as it is, replaced the park’s beloved Secret Restroom.

Former Attraction
Best: The Secret Restroom. We get tears in our eyes just thinking about it.
Worst: Wreck-It Ralph Wreckulator: This was removed as more and more of Tomorrowland’s arcade games were replaced with retail space, but few will miss it. Let’s face it, the thing cost $5 for a two-minute ride and did little more than dole out dizziness and minor injuries.

Coming Attraction
Best: Endor Rocket Cycles. Finally a good use for the Peoplemover track!
Worst: Ewok Logracers. Please, Disney, leave the Autopia as it is.

Best: Indiana Jones Adventure. Everything sparkles, right down to a new coat of paint on the hidden Eeyore sign.
Worst: Disneyana. They rearranged everything so much that we can’t even find this place anymore.

Best: Royal Hall. It moves so slowly that you actually have time to get something done or become intimately acquainted with the people around you.
Worst: Line at City Hall to complain about the cancellation of Billy Hill and the Hillbillies. The line’s both enormous and depressing — a horrible, unmagical combination.

Meet and Greet
Best: Frozen. The animatronic Olaf on the roof is entertaining, particularly on warm days as he slowly shrinks into robotic nothingness.
Worst: Thor. His hammer is so heavy that kids can’t pick it up to have their picture taken.

Best: Arriving first thing in the morning when your family is perfectly prepared, well rested, and doesn’t need to go to the bathroom, and nobody is over-stimulated or sugar-supercharged yet..
Worst: Security. There’s nothing worse than sitting on a steel bench in a cold, empty room waiting for the security officer to chastise you for knocking Tigger over.

Best: Mine Train Through Nature’s Wonderland Limited Time Magic. Completely identical to the attraction we remember from our childhood, right down to the noses on the cacti. Absolutely incredible. How the heck did they do that?
Worst: Golden Horseshoe Review Limited Time Magic. Abridged, censored, and with none of the original performers. Sigh.

Guided Tour
Best: Walk in Walt’s Disneyland Footsteps. Finally a way to visit Walt Disney’s personal apartment above the Firehouse! And kids under 6 can jump on his bed!
Worst: Tinker Bell for a Day. You don’t know terror until you’ve walked all the way up the stairs inside the Matterhorn only to be attached to puny-looking wires and thrown down a cable to smash into a well-worn mattress on top of the castle.

Special Event
Best: Mickey’s Halloween Treat. This year’s distribution of nothing but full-size candy bars was a big hit.
Worst: Eisner Appreciation Day. At least the park wasn’t too crowded.

Best: Bengal Barbecue. Now with authentic Bengal flavor!
Worst: Club 33. Give us back the Court des Anges!

Food item
Best: Tiki Juice Bar Dole Whip. Because it’s a classic, that’s why.
Worst: Turkey-Churro Chimichanga. Nice try, but no.

Drink item
Best: Diet Coke from Coke Corner. Tastes the way a Diet Coke should.
Worst: Diet Coke from the Market House Starbucks. Everything about this is just wrong.

Churro Stand
Best: Near Main Street Station. Always fresh and friendly.
Worst: At the side of the road on Harbor Boulevard. Stale, tasteless, cold, possibly not even official.

Best: Main Street Magic Shop. How does he make that card hover in the air like that? Where did that coin come from? Is that Steve Martin?
Worst: The nearsighted guy with the hearing problem selling balloons. “No, the blue one. BLUE!”

Best: Rainbow Ridge. Still tiny, but looking better than ever after refurbishment.
Worst: At the bottom of the dumpster behind Toontown. Ew.

Best: 32. Just the right height.
Worst: 34. Too much bending.

Best: The one who let your kid stand in front of her at the parade.
Worst: The one who keeps hitting you in the shins with a stroller.

Best: Linda.
Worst: The other Linda.

Best: Mad Hatter. In particular, that time he helped the lady by emergency-delivering her baby right in the middle of musical chairs, all without breaking character.
Worst: Abraham Lincoln. Always pompous; refuses to sign autographs.

Best: Star Wars Land. A massive reworking of Tomorrowland, complete with a walk-in Millennium Falcon, cantina-bar restaurant, and Special Edition of Captain EO.
Worst: A significant portion of the park’s budget to be poured into retheming the Disneyland Railroad for the upcoming pseudo-Pixar film Trains.

That’s it! We’re already collecting votes for 2014, so be sure to send in yours!

Farewell, Billys!

Monday, January 6th, 2014

Hearts hang heavy today after the final, post-penultimate performance of the beloved Billy Hill and his equally beloved the Hillbillies. Big Thunder Ranch was crammed literally to the gills* with guests who wanted to catch the final show. At its conclusion, Billy Hill raised his hands to the gathered crowd, which cheered raucously, applauded uproariously, rioted briefly, burned the whole area to the ground pyromaniacally, and was escorted off the property promptly.

After several people in the calming crowd outside the park pledged that they would hunt down and kill any act that attempted to replace the Billys, the act that was scheduled to replace the Billys became unavailable for comment.


*Disney installed gills at the ranch yesterday in anticipation of overflow crowds.