Disney Lies

As a sort of apology for the current logjam in getting content onto this blog, we have decided to give our loyal readers access to the Massive Disneyland Attraction Database — the system that we at DisneyLies.com use to track, compile, digest, store, and retrieve enormous amounts of information on the Disneyland resort! We’ve been putting it up piece by piece over the last few weeks, and feel that it is finally ready for Disneyfan consumption.

The database has four main sections:

• The main database. This is a repository of attraction information, with complete attraction descriptions, trivia, and touring advice for every significant attraction in Disneyland.
• Automated Touring Planner. Just input the date of your visit and select the type of touring plan you’d prefer, and the ATP will give you a detailed breakdown of exactly how you should spend your day at Disneyland.
• Surveys: Compiled data from huge numbers of surveys on a number of Disney-related topics, such as favorite animated characters and best fan web sites.
• Other items: A compilation of information that did not fit elsewhere in the database, ready for you to use as a handy reference. Be sure to check out the massively exhaustive list of the best Disney songs (in order of popularity).

If you think that any of this sounds like something you might find on another Disney-fan web site, you are sorely incorrect. The MDAD was created over many years by a massive team of expert programmers and statisticians, and it is smart enough to scour the web for additional information and update itself every single microsecond of every single day (aside from July 17, which it takes off as a national holiday). In fact, information is updated so quickly that a page may change from minute to minute — try refreshing a page and maybe you’ll catch an update!

(Note: Although the database boasts an average reliability index of 102%, we have had some minor problems recently with the human language process interpreter, so you may see the occasional glitch. But even if you do, rest assured that the underlying data is entirely pristine and accurate.)

Be sure to let your online and offline friends know about the new database and leave comments in this post if you have any suggestions for improving it. We’d also love to hear your success stories related to using MDAD information on your next Disneyland visit. Enjoy!

Massive Disneyland Attraction Database: http://www.disneylies.com/db/

We’ve got some medical issues going on in Chez Disneylies, so it’s still going to be a bit before we can start posting regularly again, but we wanted to make sure that our readers are aware of the problems Disneyland will likely be experiencing this weekend due to “Carmageddon”.

Carmageddon is the name that has become associated with the closing of a section of California’s freeways this weekend as part of construction that is intended to (eventually) help increase the flow of traffic from Ventura County and points north to the Disneyland Resort, and prepare infrastructure for next year’s opening of Radiator Springs Racers in DCA’s Cars Land.

This closure of a portion of the planet’s busiest freeway may cause massive traffic delays. In particular, waits for the Autopia may be several hours long, with some experts predicting the queue may stretch as far as Fort Wilderness. Traffic on the Disneyland Railroad and Monorail are expected to increase as guests seek alternate modes of transportation, and guests who reach the Autopia but decide not to wait may swell the queues of second-choice Tomorrowland attractions (Innoventions is not expected to see any increase in traffic).

Disneyland management is suggesting that guests visiting the park this weekend be prepared to spend a little more time. Said one manager speaking on condition that we not reveal that he will soon be exercising his stock options, “For the comfort and happiness of all, Disneyland recommends that all guests buy their entire families premium annual passes and book a week-long stay at one of the Resort’s fine hotels. Stay as long as you are financially able and enjoy!”

We know it’s still a long way to October, but we couldn’t resist passing along this interesting bit of information that we happened to overhear from someone at Disneyland in nice clothes and an official-looking hat. Apparently, this Halloween Disneyland will be going all out to try and compete with Knotts Scary Farm, Universal Halloween Horror Nights, Legoland Minimassacre, The San Diego Zoo: Poachers Unleashed, and Six Flags Magic Mountain of Noise and Unruly teens. How will they do it? With a special, after-hours, hard ticket event in which Disneyland becomes Disneyland Demised — the realm of zombies!

The festivities will begin after sundown, with Main Street filled with fog and populated by undead versions of all your favorite Disney characters. Special merchandise (half-eaten Mickey-ears hats, meat pins, etc.) and treats (such as the turkey leg/churro combination churroleg) will be available. But the biggest treat will be the attractions, almost all of which will have some kind of zombie-related overlay!

We have to admit that some of these don’t sound like much more than the original attraction with the word “zombie” plugged into them, but we’re sure the list will improve as Imagineers further develop the concept. From what we were able to overhear, the attraction lineup is as follows:

• Disneyland Railroad through the Zombie Canyon and Unextinct World dioramas
• Main Street Cinema of Dr. Caligari
• Main Street Vehicle Fatalities
• The Disneyland Story Presenting Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln, Zombie Hunter
• Buzz Lightyear Astro-Zombie Blasters
• Finding Nemo’s Grave Submarine Voyage
• Thriller Tribute
• Space-Zombie Mountain
• Planet Terror Orbitor
• Autopia Death Race
• Deadoventions
• Zombie Survival Training Academy
• Snow White’s Zombie Adventures
• Pinocchio’s Zombie Journey
• Dumbo the Undead Elephant
• Casey Jr. Circus Train of the Living Dead
• Mr. Toad’s Zombie Ride
• Alice in Zombieland
• Flesh-Eating Tea Party
• Peter Pan’s Flight from the Evil Dead
• Sleeping Zombie Castle
• The Former King Arthur Carrousel
• Disney Zombie Princess Fantasy Faire
• “it’s a zombie world”
• Matterhorn Deadsleds
• Storybook Land Fatal Boats
• Big Zombie Mountain Railroad
• Pirate Zombie’s Lair on Headless Tom Sawyer Island
• Zombie Shooting Exposition
• Sam Raimi Riverboat
• Sailing Ship Corman
• Big Boomstick Ranch
• The Shambling Horseshoe Stage featuring Boot Hill and the Hill Booties
• Ash’s Treehouse
• Shawn of the Jungle Cruise
• Indiana Jones Adventure: World War Z
• Walt Disney’s Reanimated Tiki Room
• Zombies of the Scaribbean
• Haunted Mansion Resident Evil (with a special Pet Sematary tour)
• Dawn of Splash Mountain
• Night of the Living Adventures of Winnie the Pooh
• Mickey’s House and Meet Mickey 28 Days Later
• Plan 9 from Minnie’s House
• Goofy’s Charnel House
• Marvel Zombies’ Boat
• Chip ‘n Dale’s Treehouse of Horror
• Roger Rabbit’s Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became a Mixed-Up Car Toon Spin
• Gadget’s Go Back to the Grave Coaster

And after you’re done playing, make sure to stake out a place next to the red-running Rivers of America to enjoy a special presentation of Brainstasmic!

According to a recent article by an unimpeachable source, Disneyland uses a certain color of paint called “go away green” or “noseeum green” to hide things from guests. The door to Club 33, the Indiana Jones show building, and the Main Street recycling and composting facility are all examples of things that Disney has painted green in the hope that guests won’t notice them.

Is it true that Disney attempts to deceive guests so nefariously? According to a message we recently received over covert Disney radio channels, yes! “After carefully examining every part of the spectrum angstrom by angstrom,” says one of Disneyland’s crack team of research chemists, “we discovered a particular shade of green that people tend not to notice. This is the color the army uses to hide soldiers. It’s the color of the Loch Ness monster.”

Have you noticed anything at Disneyland that’s painted Go Away Green? No, you haven’t. That’s the point.