The obvious thing to do is wait for instructions from cast members. Believe us when we say that Disneyland’s automated emergency contingency system contains plans for everything from a full-on alien invasion to a simple weasel attack, so they have planned, prepared, and drilled for a possible zombie apocalypse ever since the issue came to public attention back in 1968. But any emergency plan is only as good as those who carry it out, and if you see shamblers on Main Street, you can bet your crawling skin that behind the scenes cast members are already politely devouring the happy thoughts in each others’ brains and using two fingers to point out new victims.

So, if  you are in Disneyland park and the zombies strike, what can you do? Here are a few tips:

• Don’t try to leave the park. Unless you came to Disneyland in a fully stocked military survival vehicle, you’re better off inside Disneyland than you are trying to get back to your (probably already burning) vehicle or (likely zombie infested) hotel. The park’s gates and berm will help protect you from the flesh-eating undead trying to get into the park, and these tips will help you deal with the creatures that are already here.
• Don’t go on any rides or attractions. Sure, lines may suddenly become super short, but avoid their siren call. You don’t want to be stuck in an attraction vehicle when the undead is coming for your brains.
• If you’re already on a ride or attraction, wait for it to end or stop before getting off. You’re probably in more danger from moving ride vehicles than you are from the undead while riding. But exercise particular care if you are on the Haunted Mansion or another scary ride (e.g., Pooh) — zombies can easily blend in with the scenery!
• Speaking of blending in, don’t get out of a boat in Pirates and try to pretend you’re just another animatronic characters. Yes, you’re very clever, but zombies don’t care about clever — they can smell the living, and you aren’t going to fool them, no matter how much look like Johnny Depp or how red your hair is.
• Arm yourself! Most of the “weapons” you see around Disneyland won’t be much help — they’re either light-weight replicas or bolted to something. You’re going to have to improvise. Depending on the season, there might be a barrel full of oars outside the Explorer Canoes, and these make excellent clubs. Guns in the shooting gallery don’t really shoot, but they too are good for zombie-head smacking. If you don’t mind getting close up with the undead, all restaurants have knives. Main Street vehicles can be used to ram zombies. Check the fire station and fire boxes back stage for axes. If there is any refurbishment going on, raid it for tools (hammers, crowbars, arc welders). If the back-stage security office hasn’t been overrun, there is a supply of shotguns and uzis behind the non-lethal riot-control equipment. Clever guests can also weaponize fireworks, custodial equipment, and stale churros.
• Zombies hate fire! Get bottles of alcohol from Club 33, use cloth napkins as wicks, and you’ve got fire bombs. If Push is available, fill him with gasoline and use him as a huge radio-controlled Molotov cocktail.
• Traveling with children? If they’re small enough to be in strollers, keep them there. If they’re too big, promise them anything they like when the looting starts, just so long as they swear to obey your commands without question. If you have a daughter dressed as a Disney princess, change her clothes immediately (during emergency preparedness drills, it was found that zombies beeline for princesses). If you have a son dressed as a Disney princess — well, that’s an issue for a different post.
• Stockpile food. Either barricade yourself in a restaurant or other eatery, or grab some shopping bags and fill them with fruit, drinks, chimichangas, and turkey legs from stands you pass as you run for your life.
• Avoid non-face costumed characters — who knows whether the thing beneath the giant head is alive or dead? If you have kids, sternly remind them that, no matter how fast a character is approaching, this is not the time to collect autographs.
• And while we’re on the subject of things not to do, no pin trading! (Unless there’s a lull in the violence, or you’re barricaded with another pin trader, or you see a really good rare one or one that will complete a set you collect, or you can nab a lanyard off of something whose head you’re clubbing.)
• Don’t try to escape into the tunnels beneath Tomorrowland — they don’t exist. However, lots of people think that they do exist, so a cry of “run for the tunnels in Tomorrowland!” might send a crowd of ignorant victims in that direction, drawing the zombies away from you and your family.
• If you can, get on the monorail and stay there. Monorails are, by design, largely zombie proof. So long as they have power and are away from a station, they are hard to get into and they can travel fast enough to swat any dexterous climbing zombies off the track. If someone on the monorail shows signs of becoming a zombie (by dying, for example), throw them out a roof hatch.
• Tom Sawyer Island is another possible refuge. Zombies don’t swim well and the Rivers of America is toxic enough to burn the flesh off any undead that tries to walk over, so if you can clear the island, you and your party of survivors should be good for quite a while. The caves have defensible choke points if things get really bad, there is food in the back-stage storage areas, and you can make weapons (including a serious flamethrower) with the Fantasmic! show equipment. Also, if things get really bad, there are enough resources on the island that — assuming your party has a good mix of genders — you may be able to wait out the problem and use this as a launch pad for repopulating the planet.
• If you’re reasonably athletic, you can climb the Matterhorn faster than any zombie. At the top is a large room (about half the size of a basketball court) where you can barricade yourself. This also gives you the high ground for sending signals, on the off chance that help is ever on the way.
• Take pictures and videos! If you survive, an online slideshow of zombies at Disneyland will get you millions of hits, and footage of creatures in mouse ears shambling through Fantasyland will easily make you the toast of YouTube. Think of all the Adsense revenue! (Assuming you — and the nation’s infrastructure — survive, of course.)

That should be enough to keep you going through the worst of the disaster. If you have any tips of your own (particularly for guests who are stuck in DCA, Downtown Disney, or one of the hotels), please leave them in the comments.

DisneyLies: Congratulations, Al, on the release of your new song “Skipper Dan.”

Weird Al: Thank you. We’re all very excited around here.

DL: Where did you get the inspiration for the song?

WA: It’s pretty much a true story. I was in group therapy for years trying to get over my addiction to potatoes, and I met this guy who is essentially the guy in the song. He was really, really depressed. I did change his name to “Dan Pantsworth” from “John Lasseter” for the song, so that nobody’d ever guess it was really about him. The poor guy was so talented, and there he was stuck on the Jungle Cruise. Sometimes, I still wonder what happened to him.

DL: We understand that some Disneyland fans have been less than thrilled with your portrayal of Jungle Cruise skippers as, quoting from an anonymous source claiming to be you, “a bunch of wannabe losers in bad pants and funny hats with impotent hippo guns.” What makes you think that the Jungle Cruise hippos are impotent?

WA: I don’t think –

DL: Then you should be more careful what you say. When did you first realize that Disney fans weren’t going to take this lying down?

WA: I guess it was when they burned my house down. That was a hint. Then there was the picketing, the effigies, the bonfire burnings of computers that had downloaded the song — the evidence just kept adding up.

DL: And how does that make you feel?

WA: At the moment, homeless.

DL: How is this going to change your future musical plans?

WA: It really won’t. “Skipper Dan” is part of a four-song project I’m calling Internet Leakland. This is going to be four songs released digitally over the course of the summer. There’s “Dan,” of course. Then there’s “Tiki! Tiki! Tiki!” which is a Tiki Room-themed parody of the Byrds song “Turn! Turn! Turn!” After that is a song about a guy who takes the Lincoln robot home, called “People Let Me Tell You ‘Bout My Pres Friend.” It closes in August with “it’s a mind-numbingly repetitive song after all,” which, I have to say, really captures the horror of a certain attraction filled with dolls of children.

DL: And Disney characters.

WA: Don’t remind me.

DL: You’re kind of new on the Disney-humor scene. How do you feel about more established Disney humor bands like Edison Square and The Copyright Infringers?

WA: I really enjoy Edison Square’s stuff, amateurish as it is, and I think I can say with complete sincerity that I will crush them if they get in my way. The Copyright Infringers are still hiding out in Argentina, aren’t they? They’re not even on my radar.

DL: Any last words for our readers before we wrap this up?

WA: Sure. I hope you can accept my work in the spirit of happiness and humor in which it was intended and stop sending hate letters and ticking packages to my family and friends. I really love Disneyland, even though it’s never been the same since Steve Martin left.

DL: Thank you, Al.

WA: You’re paying me for this, right?

• The Jungle Cruise isn’t a ride — it’s an attraction.
• The Jungle Cruise’s jokes aren’t “lame,” they’re “classic”.
• He horribly, horribly mangles the classic “back side of water” joke.

What a tragic disappointment. We suggest that you go to iTunes immediately, buy a couple copies of the song, and lodge your complaints.

The announcement, made through an anonymous e-mail to this blog, was not clear on when the showing would begin, so we encourage DisneyLies readers to contact Disney directly and pester them until they make a more formal announcement.

In the meantime, we invite you to fondly remember the good Captain by singing along with Disney band Edison Square’s song EO.

Anyway, if you are interested in trying this theory out for yourself, we have put the Disneyland Age Test online. Leave a comment to this post comparing your results with your actual age (in Disney terms).

After sneaking into Disneyland more than an hour before opening (it’s amazing what you can do when you’re disguised as a planter), our Official DisneyLies Photographer managed to snap a picture of an Imagineering test of the new Antimatterhorn.

This Matterhorn overlay — accomplished in minutes thanks to billions of carefully installed, computer-controlled black-light LEDs — is intended for use during this year’s Halloween festivities. Rumor has it that, when the Matterhorn is in “evil” mode, the mountain will not only look evil, but the cars will also be fitted with super-bumpy wheels and the Yeti will have a really, really bad haircut (sort of an “abominable mullet,” according to an Imagineer).

So, without further ado, we present the 10 Best Attractions at Disneyland!

1. Singing along with “Welcome to the Jungle” on the Jungle Cruise.
2. Standing near the entrance to Critter Country and watching the Splash Mountain flume to see if anyone lifts their shirt for the camera.
3. Trying to catch people disposing of loved ones on the Haunted Mansion.
4. Riding Pirates of the Caribbean and noting all the things that were better they way they used to be.
5. Mercilessly heckling tourists who call the Matterhorn “Magic Mountain.”
6. Buying chicken at the Stage Door Cafe, eating it in the Enchanted Tiki Room, and hoping the birds don’t notice.
7. The free emotional counseling after you get stuck on “it’s a small world.”
8. Wandering around Tomorrowland, speculating about what the Peoplemover track might be good for some day.
9. Swimming out to Tom Sawyer Island and wondering what diseases you may have caught.
10. Getting Mom to shell out for a churro and then whacking your little sister with it.

P.S. We’ll send a free copy of Liar’s Guide to Disneyland to the first reader who posts a comment listing all of the attractions that the experts at About.com named incorrectly on their site. Just post your comment and drop us a line (through the contact form) with your address so we can send you your book!

In this photo, you can just make out a trio of electronic cast members performing regular maintenance in the Haunted Mansion’s garden.

In the future, expect to see robotic humanoids picking up trash, cooking food, repairing attractions, handling disruptions, enforcing line etiquette, punishing the rebellious, and generally keeping puny humans in their rightful place — the happiest place on earth!

If you think you know where in the park it is, leave your answer in this entry’s “comments” section.

And while we’re at it, those who say that Disneyland doesn’t have a rodent problem can be quickly quieted by with this photo. The vermin seem pretty well settled in here!

The robot speaks and understands more than 50 languages and can direct guests to any facility on the property, pass out maps, listen attentively to even the most bizarre complaint with a sincerely concerned expression, and blast particularly troublesome guests into oblivion.