Disney Lies

After sneaking into Disneyland more than an hour before opening (it’s amazing what you can do when you’re disguised as a planter), our Official DisneyLies Photographer managed to snap a picture of an Imagineering test of the new Antimatterhorn.

This Matterhorn overlay — accomplished in minutes thanks to billions of carefully installed, computer-controlled black-light LEDs — is intended for use during this year’s Halloween festivities. Rumor has it that, when the Matterhorn is in “evil” mode, the mountain will not only look evil, but the cars will also be fitted with super-bumpy wheels and the Yeti will have a really, really bad haircut (sort of an “abominable mullet,” according to an Imagineer).

About.com recently posted a list of what it considers to be the 10 best attractions at Disneyland. In the interest of saving you from all the extra clicking that would be involved in you checking out the list on their Web site, we are reproducing it here (with occasional editorial adjustments for space or to completely change the meaning).

So, without further ado, we present the 10 Best Attractions at Disneyland!

1. Singing along with “Welcome to the Jungle” on the Jungle Cruise.
2. Standing near the entrance to Critter Country and watching the Splash Mountain flume to see if anyone lifts their shirt for the camera.
3. Trying to catch people disposing of loved ones on the Haunted Mansion.
4. Riding Pirates of the Caribbean and noting all the things that were better they way they used to be.
5. Mercilessly heckling tourists who call the Matterhorn “Magic Mountain.”
6. Buying chicken at the Stage Door Cafe, eating it in the Enchanted Tiki Room, and hoping the birds don’t notice.
7. The free emotional counseling after you get stuck on “it’s a small world.”
8. Wandering around Tomorrowland, speculating about what the Peoplemover track might be good for some day.
9. Swimming out to Tom Sawyer Island and wondering what diseases you may have caught.
10. Getting Mom to shell out for a churro and then whacking your little sister with it.

P.S. We’ll send a free copy of Liar’s Guide to Disneyland to the first reader who posts a comment listing all of the attractions that the experts at About.com named incorrectly on their site. Just post your comment and drop us a line (through the contact form) with your address so we can send you your book!

In celebration of the immensely profitable new Pixar film WALL*E, Disney is moving forward with its “Hiring the Body Electric” initiative, which will see robots used much more extensively throughout the theme parks.

In this photo, you can just make out a trio of electronic cast members performing regular maintenance in the Haunted Mansion’s garden.

In the future, expect to see robotic humanoids picking up trash, cooking food, repairing attractions, handling disruptions, enforcing line etiquette, punishing the rebellious, and generally keeping puny humans in their rightful place — the happiest place on earth!

Here’s a “hidden Mickey” that even many Disney fans overlook…

If you think you know where in the park it is, leave your answer in this entry’s “comments” section.

And while we’re at it, those who say that Disneyland doesn’t have a rodent problem can be quickly quieted by with this photo. The vermin seem pretty well settled in here!

As part of its “living character” initiative, Disney is exploring the possibility of replacing certain castmembers with animatronic figures. A few days ago, our Official DisneyLies Photo Correspondent managed to be on site during a test of the new Buzz Lightyear Guest Services Castbot.

The robot speaks and understands more than 50 languages and can direct guests to any facility on the property, pass out maps, listen attentively to even the most bizarre complaint with a sincerely concerned expression, and blast particularly troublesome guests into oblivion.

In honor of all the new Indiana Jones entertainment at Disneyland, we though it might be nice to show off a little something from the Indy queue that many guests might have missed.

While waiting for your turn to be thrown about by this attraction’s vehicles (which operate quite smoothly when they are in good repair, by the way), make sure to peek into every little nook and cranny in the queue. You may be rewarded with the sight of one of many 3D hidden Mickeys!

(Thanks to our Official DisneyLies Photo Correspondent for the picture!)

Our Official DisneyLies Photo Correspondent reports that the new ectoplasmic filter on her camera has one again produced startling results! Look carefully in the below photo:

Do you see the blue figure toward the right of the photo? Well, that’s not an animatronic pirate — it’s a glowing creature from beyond the veil of death!!! (or perhaps a wandering cast member.)

So far, there is no possibly worldly explanation for the appearance of this figure. Those of you who think you have ready explanations are clearly, obviously misunderstanding what the phrase “no possible explanation” means.

Certainly this puts to rest any doubts about whether or not Disneyland’s Pirates of the Caribbean attraction is haunted. But why is it haunted? Are the spirits of the copious workers killed during its construction angered by the insertion of Pirate-movie characters into their previously relatively non-commercial realm? Do they return from the realm of death to torture those who take flash pictures? Or does this lonely phantom simply “wants the redhead”? Who knows?????

Joining the difficult-to-get-into fort, here’s another sign that there is still quite a bit of work to be done on Pirate’s Lare on Tom Sawyer Island. Apparently there is a shortage of space in Disneyland’s back-stage areas, because one of the island’s old caves is being used for storage of old props and other “junk.”

The cave is technically off limits, but to the adventurous Disney fan it is quite a treasure trove! Before she were ejected from the park and charged with felony trespassing, our Official DisneyLies Photo Correspondent saw a Rocket Rod, quite a few freshly removed “it’s a small world” figures, and two thirds of Abe Lincoln.

The fourth Indiana Jones film (Indiana Jones and the Magic Quartz Head) will be released to theaters next week, and Disneyland has announced that there will be a number of exciting activities in Adventureland to help the park ride on the film’s advertising shirttails. Specifically:

• Indiana Jones Adventure Map: Guests will be able to buy a map that shows in great detail every nook and cranny of Adventureland — from the nearest bathroom to the farthest branch of Tarzan’s Tree House. No more getting lost in this expansive themed area!
• Adventure Photo Location: Ever want to have a cast member in a neat hat take your picture so that you didn’t have to hold your own camera? Now you can!
• Indiana Jones Adventure Queue: The Indy ride’s queue will be “plussed” with extra dust, muskier darkness, more guests, and more of that great “lived in” feeling that everyone enjoys. Also, the safety spiel video will be replaced with the original Raiders of the Lost Ark.
• Jungle Cruise: Some animatronic animals will be replaced with characters from the Indiana Jones films, and Jungle Cruise Skippers will have a new spiel incorporating Indy-themed elements. For example: “Some people say that Adolf Hitler could jump thirty feet, but don’t worry — we’re only ten feet away so he’ll heil right over us.”
• Indiana Jones in Adventureland: Indiana Jones himself will appear in Adventureland and do battle with an evil guy! The battle will include rooftop action, whip fights, acrobatics, and carefully orchestrated fisticuffs, ranging all over Adventureland (except during times of high crowds, during which Indy will just shoot the guy).
• Animatronic Indy: Indiana Jones figures will be added to Pirates of the Caribbean, and rumor has it that young Indiana Jones will appear in a certain “small” attraction after its extensive refurb ends.
• And more: Later in the year, watch for the opening of Indiana Jones’ Secret Base at Pirate’s Lair on Tom Sawyer Island!

The data has just finished being crunched, and last week was officially Disneyland’s least busy week since Cynthia Harris was doused with a bucket of water and melted away.

According to Fanciful Disney Accountant Scrooge McGeek, “The slowdown in attendance appears to coincide specifically and precisely with the release of video game ‘Grand Theft Auto IV’. Apparently, people have been staying at home and playing this new game instead of choosing more wholesome American activities like attending theme parks. Indeed, mid-week Main Street was so empty that you could race down the middle of it at 90 mph in a convertible and swing a bat out the window without hitting so much as a stray hooker.”