Archive for the ‘Disneyland’ Category

Occupy Main Street

Tuesday, October 11th, 2011

Even though this is generally a great time of year to go to Disneyland, crowd levels toward the front of the park have been consistently high, largely due to the ongoing Occupy Main Street protests that we have all been reading so much about. Protesters set up a tent city in the Plaza Gardens area every morning (after getting their Star Tours FASTPASSes), moving it only at park closing, and crowd the area area around the flagpole throughout the day, making speeches and displaying protest signs (“When do I get my dream?”, “We are the 10% (of guests who have annual passes),” “People, not princesses,” “An arm, a leg, a churro,” etc.) to passing guests.

Occupy Main Street
Photo: A princess who prefers to remain anonymous but who stands with the protestors and tries to raise awareness of the Disnification of the continent of Africa (shown here sideways).

It is not clear what the protesters want. Some are angered by ever-increasing novelty snack prices. Some feel that Disney California Adventure’s gate price is artificially high, that Disney refused to admit he park’s problems because their theme park division was “too big to fail,” and that those who visited in the park’s early years when it had few big attractions were unfairly subsidizing its growth. A few still seem to be under the impression that they need to speak out against a scheduled removal of Mr. Lincoln, want the sexism returned to Pirates, or are angry that you can no longer go to the front of attraction lines by renting a wheelchair.

But the majority seem to be pushing for Disney to give more attention and praise to “the little guy,” not just in the parks, but in their films. Said Hipster Burns, a self-appointed spokes protester, “On a cartoon like Beauty and the Beast, there are lead animators who just handled a single character, but there are other animators responsible for whole crowds of background characters and animals. Why don’t the minor characters get the love and attention the big characters do? It’s the same in the parks. There is so much that is designed to appeal to children, but look around — there are far more adults here than children, and we’re the ones paying for everything. Why can’t the kids sit at the exit and wait while we go on an attraction once in a while? Where’s the parade for us?”

Said protestor Chrissie Bathless, “Look at the princesses, living in castles. Sleeping Beauty got an awesome new walkthrough installed in her castle not too long ago, but why? Because she’s beautiful and rich? What about the toons, the characters that really do the heavy lifting for Disney. These are the men and women and others who get whacked in the head for laughs while the princesses sing and get waited on by forest creatures. But look at Toontown — it’s a mess! The attraction count has actually gone down since it opened, fun stuff keeps getting removed and not replaced — I’m even starting to think the hills aren’t real. But is Disneyland doing something about it? No — they’ve announced that they’re building a whole new area just for princesses. As if they need it!”

There have been a few minor incidents related to the protests. There were multiple complaints of protestors crowding or vandalizing restaurant restrooms, but this was solved by pointing out to them that there are restrooms all-the-heck over the place in the park. Bad blood was also stirred up when a splinter Occupy New Orleans Square group noticed that a group of Club 33 patrons were standing on a balcony, drinking champagne, and laughing down at the poor, lower-status guests who had to visit the park sober.

If you have been to the park recently and photographed the protests, please send them to us along of your report of the action. We will post updates as they become necessary.

Carnation Plaza

Monday, October 3rd, 2011

On our recent visit to Disneyland, we stopped by Carnation Plaza Gardens, which Disney recently announced would be plowed under and replaced by a new area dedicated to princesses.

After a great amount of soul searching, we have decided that this is a horrible, horrible idea that amounts to bringing Walt Disney back from the grave just to plunge a fist into his chest and rip out his beating heart, put a tiara on it, and make it stand in line for an hour to get the Little Mermaid’s autograph.

To substantiate our position, we offer as assistance this photograph, which we took during the day at a randomly chosen moment:

Carnation Plaza

Click on the picture to see it even bigger.

We’ll wait while you do that.

Done?

Okay, good.

Do you notice what we noticed? That’s right — Carnation Plaza Gardens is exactly, precisely perfect just the way it is. Look at the picture: There is literally nothing in the picture that is the reason this beloved, pristine, uncluttered area should be destroyed.

Agree? Ignorantly disagree? Let us know in the comments.

Line marker card

Sunday, October 2nd, 2011

On our recent visit to Disneyland, we were identified in line for an attraction by cast members as true, devoted, professional cast-member wannabees who could be trusted with important, park-critical tasks and handed this card:

Line marker card

We’re not really sure what it means, but it made us feel really important. Until someone took it from us. Which made us sad.

A pumpkin on Main Street

Saturday, October 1st, 2011

A pumpkin on Main Street

Pumpkins like these line Disneyland’s Main Street as part of the Halloweentime celebration. They’re nice and all, but did you know that they are more than just jolly seasonal decorations?

Each and every Main Street pumpkin is a caricature of a prominent person from Disneyland’s past, placed as a tribute to their contribution. It is considered a great honor to receive a “pumpkin on Main Street,” and every September Disneyland has a little ceremony in which new “pumpkinheads” are inducted.

Guests aren’t expected to recognize all the faces (although X. Atencio, Mary Blair, Wally Boag, and Carl “Cubby” O’Brien are pretty obvious in the above photo), but a handy guide is available at no charge at City Hall.

Cheatin’ punkins

Thursday, September 29th, 2011

The cabin at Big Thunder Ranch has been nicely decorated for Halloween. Inside are a number of vintage seasonal posters and doodads, as well as a few little scenes. Now, Disneyland generally does a  very good job of decorating, paying attention to all those little details that make everything there so magical. But, in this case — well, just take a look:

Cheating pumpkins

Okay, we get that the pumpkin guys are playing cards, and that the guy on the left is a cheater (as indicated by the card poking out from beneath his hat). But it all falls apart when you notice what he’s holding in his left hand. Here, take a look:

 

Cheating pumpkin details

The idea, we can only assume, is that the cheatin’ punkin’ is using a mirror to look at his companion’s cards. Well then, why the heck is he pointing the powder-holding portion of the compact at the other guy’s hand instead of pointing the mirror there? And, even more important, what the heck is a male pumpkin doing with a woman’s compact??? Seriously — you don’t think the other pumpkin would notice something was out of place? Particularly since, as everyone knows, pumpkins don’t wear makeup in the first place!!!

Come on, Disneyland, you’re better than this. The least you can do is close the park down for a few hours — you know, on an emergency basis — and get this taken care of before you embarrass yourself any further. While you’re at it, we’d like to know where the rest of the deck of cards is, too.

If we had time, we could say a whole lot more about the little Halloween area’s minor shortcomings. Those pumpkins that the guy is spending so much time carving taste terrible. Also, that “cow” is totally fake. And don’t even get us started on the goats wearing bandanas, as if goats know how to tie square knots!

Cthulhu at Disneyland?

Wednesday, September 28th, 2011

We needed to do a little further research before we continued the Disneyland Tour that we began some months ago and then abruptly abandoned like a duckling the day after Easter, so we have spent a few days at Disneyland over the past few weeks, getting the latest baloney on many tems.

While there, we noticed a number of interesting things which we will post about for a day or two.

One of the interesting things we noticed was in the Halloween-themed area of Big Thunder Ranch. In a pumpkin-carving area, we noticed this particular bit of artwork:

Cthulhu at Disneyland

Upon seeing this, we had to ask ourselves, “What is a carving of Cthulhu doing at Disneyland?” And having asked ourselves this, we had to ask the pumpkin-carving castmember about it. He hemmed and hawed a bit, then made some sorry excuse about it being a carving of a pirate! Since when is Cthulhu a pirate?

Given this evidence (combined with Disney’s well-known avoidance of trademark/copyright violation), I think it is more than safe to assume that Disneyland has obtained the rights to all of H.P. Lovecraft’s literary works and will be building some kind of Lovecraft-themed extension to either Disneyland or Disney California Adventure.

Lovecraft land will definitely be an awesome addition to the resort. We look forward to riding the Madness Mountain rollercoaster (safety spiel: “Remain seated please; ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn”) and drinking a glass of Miska-tonic with our Dunwich Sandwich at the Innsmouth Inn!

Fantasy Faire coming to Disneyland!

Monday, August 29th, 2011

It was recently announced that Disneyland’s Carnation Plaza Garden is going to be not just removed, but — in a special, hard-ticket event — utterly and explosively obliterated to the hip stylings of a live swing band. Once the debris is cleared and collateral damage dealt with, the suddenly open space will be used to create Fantasy Faire, a new area of Fantasyland.

Fantasy Faire will include many unique, fantastical character-oriented attractions, including a princess meet-and-greet, a stage on which princess-related productions can be performed, a stand where child-friendly, quasi-medieval, fast food can be purchased, and a shop selling princess-related clothing and souvenirs. When asked how the new Fantasy Faire will differ from the current Disney Princess Fantasy Faire, a woman with too much makeup and fake hair who claimed to be the personal assistant of George Kalogridis, President of Disneyland Resort, said, “It’s a lot more south. You’ll be able to enjoy the princesses without the long walk, anachronistic railroad intrusions, and occasional mood-ruining whiffs of Toontown stench.”

Not everyone is pleased with the planned expansion. “It’s a load of Dumbo leavings!” said Herbert Haberdasher, President and Tenor of the Main Street, U.S.A. Merchant’s Association. “They’re whittling away at Main Street piece by piece. You let this go, and they won’t be happy until the Emporium is renamed the Enchantium and ‘Princessland’ stretches from one train station to the other. Think it won’t happen? Look at how New Orleans Square annexed a huge hunk of Frontierland! Think nobody was hurt by that? Next time you see her, ask Aunt Jemima how she feels!”‘

No thanks, Herbert — we’ll take your word for it!

Suggested Disneyland gravestone quotes

Saturday, July 30th, 2011

After yesterday’s announcement that Disneyland would be allowing guests to be buried within the park, we received several requests for suggested gravestone mottoes (keeping in mind that Disneyland automatically approves of mottoes taken from Disney films).

Here are a few suggestions from the official Disneyland Happily Ever Afterlife press release:

  • Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to work we go. (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs)
  • All females is poison! (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs)
  • What are you, and who are you doing here? (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs)
  • It is not what outside, but what is inside that counts. (Aladdin)
  • Phenomenal cosmic powers; itty bitty living space. (Aladdin)
  • No matter what happens, I’ll always be with you. Forever. (Pocahontas)
  • It’s all fun and games till someone loses an eye. (Tarzan)
  • Oh look, bananas! Ha ha — I can’t believe you fell for that one! (Tarzan)
  • But what about bacteria? (Tarzan)
  • And Daddy, they took my boot! (Tarzan)
  • It can’t possibly get any worse, can it? I guess it can. (Tarzan)
  • Look, you’re really cute, but I can’t understand what you’re saying. (Finding Nemo)
  • The sea monkey has my money. (Finding Nemo)
  • Fish are friends, not food. (Finding Nemo)
  • You know, you worry too much. (Fun and Fancy Free)
  • The old notion that a bachelor’s life was glamorous and carefree was all nonsense. It was downright dull. (101 Dalmatians)
  • Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Or forgetful. (Peter Pan)
  • Who will rescue me? (The Rescuers)
  • Hey, man, you’re ugly! (Oliver & Company)
  • Why should I worry? (Oliver & Company)
  • I didn’t make it all the way through third grade for nothing. (The Rescuers Down Under)
  • What do you want me to do, dress in drag and do the hula? (The Lion King)
  • Did I miss something? (The Lion King)
  • The past can hurt. (The Lion King)
  • Hakuna matata (The Lion King)
  • Forgive me for not jumping for joy. Bad back, you know. (The Lion King)
  • How do I get myself into these situations? (The Little Mermaid)
  • I didn’t mean to tell. It was an accident! (The Little Mermaid)
  • When I’m with you, I don’t feel so alone. (Hercules)
  • We dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry on, we go home happy. What do you say? Come on. (Hercules)
  • I’m a damsel. I’m in distress. I can handle this. Have a nice day. (Hercules)
  • Dead as a doornail — weren’t those your exact words? (Hercules)
  • It’s a small underworld after all. (Hercules)
  • It’s not the first time I was tossed out of a window. (The Emperor’s New Groove)
  • Practically perfectly in every way. (Mary Poppins)
  • Is something supposed to happen? (Mary Poppins)
  • You can’t run away from your troubles — there ain’t no place that far. (Song of the South)
  • Oh no — now I feel really bad. Bad Llama! (The Emperor’s New Groove)
  • Family means nobody gets left behind — or forgotten. (Lilo and Stitch)
  • No matter how many times you save the world it always manages to get back in jeopardy again. (The Incredibles)
  • Behold, the Underminer! I’m always beneath you, but nothing is beneath me! (The Incredibles)
  • I’m sorry ma’am, I know you’re upset. (Pretend to be upset.) (The Incredibles)
  • Reach for the sky! (Toy Story)
  • To infinity — and beyond! (Toy Story)
  • Do you think I was scary enough or was I just annoying? (Toy Story 2)
  • Someday I will be a beautiful butterfly, and then everything will be better. (A Bug’s Life)
  • You’re making the maggots cry. (A Bug’s Life)
  • They’re busy building toys and absolutely no one’s dead! (The Nightmare Before Christmas)
  • You’ve poisoned me for the last time, you wretched girl! (The Nightmare Before Christmas)
  • Thanks for noticing me. (Winnie the Pooh)
  • I’d look on the bright side. If I could find it. (Winnie the Pooh)

(If you have a personal favorite, please add it in the comments.)

Reserve your final resting place now!

Friday, July 29th, 2011

With the economy all mucked up and DCA construction a bit over budget, Disneyland management is always on the lookout for ways to make a little extra money. This, combined with the recent increase in guests attempting to scatter the ashes of their loved ones within the Haunted Mansion and other attractions, inspired Disney to offer Disneyland megafans an option for spending all eternity in the Happiest Place on Earth!

Approximately a quarter of an acre of woodland — part of it behind the Hungry Bear restaurant and the rest in the “forbidden” area beyond the hollow fort on Tom Sawyer Island — has been earmarked for guests wishing to purchase a permanent annual pass. Grave markers will be simple grey stone with the former guest’s real name (no nicknames or Internet handles), dates of first Disneyland visit and death, and a short memorial message (which must either meet strict guidelines for taste and decency or be from a Disney film). For an additional fee, the marker may be “plussed” with an engraving of a favorite Disney character from a limited selection (e.g., Mickey, yes; Chernabog, no).

There will be a tastefully landscaped picnic area set aside for mourners, and picnic-style lunches will be available for those who want to spend a little quiet time eating and reflecting (no outside food, flash photography, video recording, unaccompanied very small children, or collecting of gravestone rubbings allowed). This area will have a FASTPASS dispenser available (for use during Halloweentime and on Bats Day in the Fun Park only).

Due to the assumed popularity of this new offering, guests wishing to be interred must either be cremated or (for an additional fee) entombed in a traditional coffin that has been modified to allow for “standing position” burial, stacked up to five guests deep. The plots will also be sold on a timeshare basis, so those wishing to pay their respects will need to check the online database to make sure their loved one will be there on the day of their visit.

Google Driverless Car project and Disneyland

Tuesday, July 26th, 2011

Just this morning we learned from a press release published on an old Selectric II by a neighbor of ours that we’ve never seen in daylight that Google is going to be bringing the Google Driverless Car project to Disneyland for public testing!

According to sources, in early 2012 Google’s intelligent-car technology will be retrofitted into several Autopia cars, increasing their safety standards a thousandfold. A person in a nice shirt standing outside the Team Disney building in Anaheim tells us:

The Google-equipped cars will use sonar and lasers to detect impending collisions and, if need be, disable or punish offending drivers. They will also be capable of automatically applying the brakes or gas to avoid rear-end collisions — a problem so frequent on the Autopia that there is a separate division of Disney’s legal department dedicated to handling related complaints.

Because they automatically avoid collisions, Autopia vehicles will be able to move much more quickly with complete safety. They will achieve scale speeds of upwards of 90 miles per hours, and even at that velocity will be able to corner like they’re on rails. Ride duration will be lowered from just over 5 minutes to less than 30 seconds.

Ultimately, all Autopia vehicles will be fitted with Google Driverless Car technology, rendering Autopia drivers redundant — and no Autopia drivers means no line for the Autopia! One of the biggest bottlenecks in Tomorrowland will be eliminated just like that! If all goes well, every Disneyland attraction will be made riderless within the next five years. Can you imagine — even the Matterhorn and Space Mountain will be so free of guests that you’ll think they’re Winnie the Pooh!