“He will not be a voting member, but will be present in an advisory capacity,” said a clone of late Marvel spokesperson Gwen Stacy. “And he will be ready to lend a hand if there is an attack by Mysterio, Captain Dreamworks, or any other masked villain.”

Peter Parker, a local freelance news photographer, commented, “Although Spider-man and I have never been seen together, I have photographed him many times and am pleased to hear that he will become a valuable part of the Disney team. Perhaps now they can get rid of that incredibly lame Spider-man imitator that hangs out at Universal and isn’t nearly as handsome or limber as I — I mean, Spider-man — is.”

Comic book fan reaction has been mixed. Said Larry Clark, manager of Realm of the Mega Comics and Collectibles Kingdom, “I’m reserving judgment. So many times in the past, there have been changes like this, but they never last. Spider-man gets a new costume, or new powers, or is married, or opens a chain of restaurants, and it seems like things are going to be cool and different, and then you get some stupid excuse for putting everything back like it was.”

In related news, Toon Town welcoms its new chief of law enforcement, Spider-ham.

Gregory is also irritated that Disney has strayed from the original tone and content of her novels, which are about a clique of teenage lycanthropic girls who date cute guys and then turn into ravenous jungle cats and eat them.

A large portion of the expense will be invested in relocating all native wildlife from the resort grounds to make way for animatronic creatures. Said a Disney spokesperson, “If it moves, you’ll be able to talk to it. If it’s got legs or wings, it’ll also have a song in its heart and some kind of funny foreign-sounding accent.”

On the other hand, rumors of a new park being built in Russia have been confirmed — Krasnoyarsk Disneylancovich will open in 2012. It is expected to particularly popular with those who remember the former Soviet Union, since they are already acclimated to standing in long lines.

Breaking news: Disney has announced that it is putting on hold the ground-breaking ceremony for Walt Disney World Pakistan.

This surprise announcement impacts a number of upcoming projects. For example, the animated remake of classic action film “Smokey and the Bandit” and Pixar’s “Nicotina” have both been canceled. Work is underway on a rerelease of “One Hundred and One Dalmatians” in which Cruella De Vil’s signature cigarette holder has been replaced by a ballpark-style hot dog. Disney corporate history is also being rewritten to depict Walt Disney as having died from a stroke instead of cigarette-related cancer.

Although smoking is banned in Disney-branded films, young fans will be pleased to learn that dogs peeing on people and tasteless jokes about bodily functions are still fair game.