Disney Lies

Although some have reacted with surprise at the joint venture between Google and Disney (which we announced yesterday), those who have been keeping a sharp eye on the situation could see it coming. Said an anonymous forum troll speaking with an air of authority, “It’s all so obvious. Just go to Google and search for ‘Disney’ — you get like three-quarters of a billion hits. You think that just happens? Yeah, right. It’s corporate cash flow and paid ad placement all the way, baby.”

Deborah Gregory, the author of the “Cheetah Girls” books, claims that Disney has not lived up to its part of the contract signed when she gave the studio the rights to her books. “When they said that they were buying all rights in perpetuity for $14.95, I thought they were kidding,” says Gregory. “Also, I should have looked up what ‘perpetuity’ means.”

Gregory is also irritated that Disney has strayed from the original tone and content of her novels, which are about a clique of teenage lycanthropic girls who date cute guys and then turn into ravenous jungle cats and eat them.

Disney has announced that it will be spending some $1 billion on a new resort in Oahu — more than ten times what this Hawaiian island brings in each year in revenue from its two biggest industries, pineapple and corporate luaus. The resort, as yet unnamed, will have a Tiki Room theme, and every stateroom will sport beds with hand-carved chanting bedposts.

A large portion of the expense will be invested in relocating all native wildlife from the resort grounds to make way for animatronic creatures. Said a Disney spokesperson, “If it moves, you’ll be able to talk to it. If it’s got legs or wings, it’ll also have a song in its heart and some kind of funny foreign-sounding accent.”

Disney is going to sue “wealthy maniac” Emile Maxim St. Patrick Higgins who recently announced that he and Disney will be partnering to create Disneyland Argentina, a theme park in the Disneyland tradition but with special Argentinean touches (Pirates of the Falkland Islands, Evitaland, etc.). Apparently, Disney is displeased with the announcement in that there is no “truth” in it at all.

On the other hand, rumors of a new park being built in Russia have been confirmed — Krasnoyarsk Disneylancovich will open in 2012. It is expected to particularly popular with those who remember the former Soviet Union, since they are already acclimated to standing in long lines.

Breaking news: Disney has announced that it is putting on hold the ground-breaking ceremony for Walt Disney World Pakistan.

The Walt Disney Company, bitter that it was not able to sign a contract for the building of Harry Potter-themed attractions, had this to say upon the release of the final book in the Potter series: "Harry dies."

The Disney Wildlife Conservation Fund has announced the purchase (along with two partners) of some 3,000 acres of land in Brazil. This land is the habitat of the endangered Lear’s macaw, so named for its large eyes and habit of staring at female macaws with its tongue hanging out of its mouth. The land was purchased both for the preservation of the macaw’s habitat and for the construction of Club Macaw, and extensive dining, dancing, and theme park experience planned to encircle the 1,000 acres that will be left undeveloped.