Archive for the ‘Disney Corporate’ Category

Latest Disney news

Tuesday, September 2nd, 2014

Too many Disney news stories today to keep track of! Some highlights for those of you who don’t have time for actual news sources:

  • There’s a new Frozen short film coming! In “Frozen Fever,” Anna catches a cold from building a snowman with her sister and, in a state of fevered delirium, leaves Kristoff for Olaf.
  • A few days ago, Disney fan Brent Dodge set a record by visiting every attraction at every park in Walt Disney World every day for 365 days. Said Dodge, “I’m tired.” Several groups are protesting his record, contending that he cheated by not seeing all shows and parades and deliberately not counting attractions that were closed for refurbishment.
  • Disney has officially announced a trademark lawsuit against mouse-themed music creator Deadmau5 over his use of a logo that looks suspiciously like the famous Disney Mickey Mouse silhouette a fraction of a second after a stick of dynamite exploded in Mickey’s mouth. Deadmau5 responded to Disney’s lengthy legal complaint by cutting it into bits and mixing it with a complaint of his own creation so that it was easier to dance to.

Disney Corporate Update

Tuesday, August 5th, 2014

Disney Head Honcho Bob “Robert” Iger made a number of announcements to investors and the press today. Among the highlights:

  • Disney will be adapting the novel The Wrinkle in Time into a feature film, tentatively titled Wrinkled.
  • Disney Interactive had substantial earnings, thanks in part to the success of Frozen-themed game ap “Flappy Snowbird.”
  • The presence of Start Wars will be increased in the parks. Specifically, “You’ll see some big changes in the ‘it’s a small world holiday’ overlay now that Disney owns the rights to The Star Wars Holiday  Special.”
  • When asked how Harrison Ford’s injury will impact the release of the new Star Wars film, Iger revealed that production is on track, after a lengthy parkour-style chase/combat scene (with Ford doing his own stunts) was replaced by a scene of the villain appearing and Han Solo just shooting him. To placate uber-fans, the villain has been recast as a Rodian.
  • It’s official: Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. has been cancelled. Its time slot will be filled by Marvel’s Agents of HYDRA.
  • It is predicted that the MyMagic+ program will finally turn a profit next quarter, when all remaining bands and infrastructure are sold for scrap.
  • Anticipating a resurgence in demand based on the success of Guardians of the Galaxy, Disney has placed orders for hundreds of thousands of its once-massively popular raccoon-skin caps.
  • When asked why there was no Pixar film released this year, Iger explained that “We forgot.”
  • A reporter asked if Disney feels the need to take over cable channels through mergers and acquisitions. It was made clear that Disney “feels the need to take over everything.”

Disneyland: Stop Using Dangerous Electron Streams in Space Mountain

Tuesday, June 17th, 2014

We at DisneyLies are very concerned about the following article which we reprint in its entirety without comment from what we’re claiming is the website.

Greetings, this is Vanessa Hotty, owner and writer at

Everyone from President Richard Nixon to leaders of countries that aren’t Russia to anyone who has won a Superbowl have visited Disneyland for its purportedly “family friendly” and “magical” atmosphere.

Unfortunately, not only these people have been duped, but billions of people all over the world have been, too.

I discovered that many attractions at Disneyland, such as Space Mountain, contain a technological element referred to as electron streams. These are used in all the Space Mountains at Disney parks in America and around the world.

The electron streams at Disneyland are the same as those used in atomic weapons, communist dictatorships’ printing presses, and the electric chairs in federal penitentiaries. They are not supposed to be touched by people. And are most certainly not “magical”.

Disneyland is using this technological abomination to power special effects and lighting which allows them to run Space Mountain faster and cheaper than if everything were moved manually and lit with candles, but without caring a whit about these dangers and alarming thingies:

  • Electron streams can be found in lightning, one of nature’s most dangerous phenomena.
  • The U.S. uses electron streams to perform public executions, even though the death penalty has been illegal in Europe for decades.
  • A mad scientist and enemy of awesome genius Nicola Tesla once used streams of electrons to kill a poor, innocent elephant.
  • Electron streams often lead to the formation of magnetic fields which are used in junk yards to pick up cars and take them to be smashed.
  • A big-rig truck that contained enormous numbers of electrons in both its structure and cargo once hit a school bus and killed or injured dozens of innocent children (and possibly nuns and puppies).

I implore you to join me and demand that Disneyland remove electron streams from their attractions. Disneyland doesn’t have to go back to the drawing board. They can use live actors instead of electron-tainted Lincolns and hydraulics, pneumatics, and good-old elbow grease to launch their mountains into space and keep their non-electrocuted elephant rides spinning.

Disneyland is the best theme park company in the world. If Disneyland changes Space Mountain, we are convinced this could push other ride operators across the globe to finally banish this hazardous elemental force once and for all time.

As people who pay nearly $100 just to get in the gate, we deserve real magic — not electric chairs.

Disney/Lucasfilm update

Tuesday, October 30th, 2012

Additional information has been made available about Disney’s acquisition of Lucasfilm. Now that Lucasfilm is a Disney subsidiary, Disney is able to confirm the following as currently in development:

  • The 2015 release of Star Wars Episode VII: Enter the Hutt
  • An American Grafitti overlay of Autopia
  • More emphasis on Howard the Duck in Toontown
  • Tarzan’s Treehouse being replaced by the Kashyyyk Wookie Treehouse
  • Construction of Hong Kong Disneyland’s Fantasyland Labyrinth Labyrinth
  • Replacement of Disney Animal Kingdom’s previously planned Avatar Land with Willow Land
  • Addition of Coruscant to Epcot’s World Showcase
  • Princess Leia to officially become a Disney princess
  • More adventures involving cuddly sidekicks in Star Wars: The Clone Wars
  • The Star Wars Holiday Special joining Song of the South in Disney’s “Vault of Things Nobody Will Ever See Again”

Disney buys Lucasfilm

Tuesday, October 30th, 2012

Today, Disney announced that it has purchased Lucasfilm. Details are still coming in, but a correspondent with the mail room of a legal company that has heard of this issue tells us with some authority that, “This means that Disney will have the full rights to both the Star Wars and Indiana Jones franchises, so they will not have to rip out the attractions based on those properties when their ill-conceived 30-year lease expires in a few years. Disney had already purchased Pixar to settle issues with Bugs Land in California Adventure, and Marvel so that they would not lose the rights to Universal Islands of Adventure, which someone at Disney mistakenly thought the company owned. Now all that remains is for them to purchase the MGM film library, the Aerosmith music catalog, and Rod Serling Enterprises, and they will finally have the ability to keep all of the attractions in all of their theme parks (particularly Disney’s Hollywood Studios in Florida) open indefinitely.”

Google and Disney

Wednesday, July 27th, 2011

Although some have reacted with surprise at the joint venture between Google and Disney (which we announced yesterday), those who have been keeping a sharp eye on the situation could see it coming. Said an anonymous forum troll speaking with an air of authority, “It’s all so obvious. Just go to Google and search for ‘Disney’ — you get like three-quarters of a billion hits. You think that just happens? Yeah, right. It’s corporate cash flow and paid ad placement all the way, baby.”

Spider-man to join Disney board of directors

Monday, August 31st, 2009

It was announced early today that, under terms of the purchase of Marvel by the Walt Disney Corporation, Marvel spokesperson and masked vigilante Spider-man would become a member of the Disney board of directors.

“He will not be a voting member, but will be present in an advisory capacity,” said a clone of late Marvel spokesperson Gwen Stacy. “And he will be ready to lend a hand if there is an attack by Mysterio, Captain Dreamworks, or any other masked villain.”

Peter Parker, a local freelance news photographer, commented, “Although Spider-man and I have never been seen together, I have photographed him many times and am pleased to hear that he will become a valuable part of the Disney team. Perhaps now they can get rid of that incredibly lame Spider-man imitator that hangs out at Universal and isn’t nearly as handsome or limber as I — I mean, Spider-man — is.”

Comic book fan reaction has been mixed. Said Larry Clark, manager of Realm of the Mega Comics and Collectibles Kingdom, “I’m reserving judgment. So many times in the past, there have been changes like this, but they never last. Spider-man gets a new costume, or new powers, or is married, or opens a chain of restaurants, and it seems like things are going to be cool and different, and then you get some stupid excuse for putting everything back like it was.”

In related news, Toon Town welcoms its new chief of law enforcement, Spider-ham.

Cheetah Cheated?

Tuesday, February 19th, 2008

Deborah Gregory, the author of the “Cheetah Girls” books, claims that Disney has not lived up to its part of the contract signed when she gave the studio the rights to her books. “When they said that they were buying all rights in perpetuity for $14.95, I thought they were kidding,” says Gregory. “Also, I should have looked up what ‘perpetuity’ means.”

Gregory is also irritated that Disney has strayed from the original tone and content of her novels, which are about a clique of teenage lycanthropic girls who date cute guys and then turn into ravenous jungle cats and eat them.

A Billion Oahu Bucks!

Tuesday, November 20th, 2007

Disney has announced that it will be spending some $1 billion on a new resort in Oahu — more than ten times what this Hawaiian island brings in each year in revenue from its two biggest industries, pineapple and corporate luaus. The resort, as yet unnamed, will have a Tiki Room theme, and every stateroom will sport beds with hand-carved chanting bedposts.

A large portion of the expense will be invested in relocating all native wildlife from the resort grounds to make way for animatronic creatures. Said a Disney spokesperson, “If it moves, you’ll be able to talk to it. If it’s got legs or wings, it’ll also have a song in its heart and some kind of funny foreign-sounding accent.”

Don’t Cry for the Mouse, Argentina

Friday, November 9th, 2007

Disney is going to sue “wealthy maniac” Emile Maxim St. Patrick Higgins who recently announced that he and Disney will be partnering to create Disneyland Argentina, a theme park in the Disneyland tradition but with special Argentinean touches (Pirates of the Falkland Islands, Evitaland, etc.). Apparently, Disney is displeased with the announcement in that there is no “truth” in it at all.

On the other hand, rumors of a new park being built in Russia have been confirmed — Krasnoyarsk Disneylancovich will open in 2012. It is expected to particularly popular with those who remember the former Soviet Union, since they are already acclimated to standing in long lines.

Breaking news: Disney has announced that it is putting on hold the ground-breaking ceremony for Walt Disney World Pakistan.