Disney Lies

Direct from the Walt Disney Corporation Secret Archives, deep within the Burbank Atomic Survival Bunker, here is the official list of 100 Things Mickey Mouse Must Never Say:

1. Hand-drawn animation is dead.
2. What kind of animal is Goofy anyway?
3. Can you direct me to the nude beach?
4. Don’t waste your time in college, kid. Walt never went to college, and he was rich!
5. I’ll have what she’s having.
6. Prison changes a mouse.
7. Gay marriage? I don’t have a problem with that.
8. Here, let me give you the access code to the secret tunnels under Disneyland.
9. Here, let me tell you how to save money on park admission.
10. Here, let me help you smuggle that heroin.
11. That’s a lovely blouse. May I try it on?
12. Watch while I turn my head back and forth. My ears are physically impossible, aren’t they?
13. Sobriety and seatbelts are for sissies.
14. It’s okay — you can forget about the royalties.
15. I’ve always secretly had a thing for Clarabelle.
16. I just adore Oscar Wilde.
17. It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye.
18. Hey look! Someone’s eye!
19. Better to beg forgiveness than ask permission.
20. A dream is a wish your heart makes when you can’t handle reality.
21. Unfortunately, Minnie’s cooking makes me sick.
22. Unfortunately, Space Mountain makes me sick.
23. Unfortunately, Miley Cyrus makes me sick.
24. There once was a man from Nantucket…
25. Stalking’s really more of a compliment than a crime.
26. Why go to the theater to see a movie when you can just rent it in a few months?
27. I still have nightmares about making that disco album.
28. Is it just me, or are the Jungle Cruise jokes getting stale?
29. California Adventure is more of a half-day park.
30. At first, Eisner was great. But later? Hitler.
31. Don’t believe everything you see in TV commercials.
32. Instead of watching videos, why not go outside and play?
33. Am I the only one who’s sick of princesses?
34. It wasn’t me; it was Pluto.
35. Minnie’s cute, but she’s no Annette Funicello.
36. So, you doing anything after the cartoon?
37. One ticket for Brokeback Mountain, please.
38. Acting’s great, but what I really want to do is direct.
39. Acting’s great, but what I really want to do is retire.
40. Acting’s great, but what I really want to do is punch Donald right in the beak.
41. Would you be shocked if I put on something more comfortable?
42. You talkin’ to me?
43. Go ahead — make my day.
44. I love the smell of napalm in the morning!
45. I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!
46. You can’t handle the truth!
47. You can’t fight in here! This is the War Room!
48. Frankly, Minnie, I don’t give a damn.
49. Churros are people!
50. I still regret not reading for Sparticus.
51. For quality and price, you can’t beat Amway.
52. Can I interest you in an issue of The Watchtower?
53. People who speak after inhaling helium sound really annoying.
54. How the heck did Pete grow his leg back?
55. Anyone mind if I give John Lasseter a big, wet kiss right on the lips? Please?
56. My favorite movie? Scarface.
57. My favorite movie? Willard.
58. My favorite movie? Shrek.
59. I’m pretty much just in it for the money.
60. You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, gloved hands.
61. Toga! Toga!
62. Attica! Attica!
63. I prefer “mouse-American”
64. I have such a hangover.
65. I always vote Libertairan.
66. My animator doesn’t understand me.
67. Would you like fries with that?
68. “bogart”
69. “dude”
70. “skanky”
71. “hottubbing”
72. “anatomically correct”
73. “Dreamworks”
74. “public domain”
75. “file sharing”
76. “unionize”
77. Like George Carlin would say…
78. Mary Poppins, Tinkerbell — women who fly shouldn’t wear dresses.
79. Scientology has changed my life.
80. He says they’re his nephews, but they sure look a lot like him.
81. That dress makes Minnie look kind of hot.
82. That dress makes Daisy look kind of hot.
83. That dress makes Goofy look kind of hot.
84. Workers of the world, unite!
85. You’re here to enjoy yourself, not to spend money.
86. Remember kids, try everything you see in cartoons at home!
87. Hi, Bambi! How’s the family?
88. They replaced the Country Bears with what???
89. Even with my toes I can only count to 16.
90. Sure, you can paint a picture of me on the wall of your business if you like.
91. Criticize Uncle Walt one more time and I’ll rip out your intestines with my bare hands.
92. What’s wrong with selling out?
93. While you’re in town, don’t forget to visit Knotts Berry Farm.
94. Got a light?
95. I’m getting too old for this.
96. Pluto! Kill!
97. Minnie, will you marry me?
98. Do these shorts make me look fat?
99. You know I’m just some guy in a suit — right, kid?
100. No autographs.

Quite a debate is raging within the halls of Disney over Giselle, main character of Disney’s Enchanted. Apparently, Disney’s promotion department is referring to Giselle as the “newest addition to Disney’s stable of princesses,” but the feature film department — which actually created the film — says that this seriously misleads the public.

“Giselle isn’t a princess,” says Helena Joybounty, animation keyframe studio art direction lead in charge of royalty. “She was going to marry a prince but married a lawyer instead. So saying she’s a princess is like calling someone First Lady just because she once dated George Bush, which would be giving her unearned airs instead of the sympathy she justly deserves.”

“If she gets to be a princess, so do I,” said Alice in Wonderland in a recent off-camera interview. “And while we’re at it, what’s with calling Pocahontas a princess? She was the chief’s daughter, but does that make her a princess? It’s like calling Mulan a princess — which some people do — but she just married a general, right? This whole thing’s just out of control.”

Giselle, being fictional, was not available for comment.

Disney has commissioned rogue photographer Annie Leibovitz to create another series of photos in which celebrities are depicted as Disney characters. Last year’s photos included Miley Cyrus as Cinderella, Jimmy Kimmel as Prince Phillip, and Alice Cooper as Alice in Wonderland (with the Olson twins as Tweedles Dum and Dee).

The new series has Stephen Colbert as King Arthur, Shrek as the Blue Fairy, and the artist formerly known as Prince as Snow White.

Quoting from an ABC “Eyewitness News” report:

Many Floridians say they see something on a pizza pan that’s nothing short of magical. And now, hundreds of Disney fans are flocking to an east Orlando house to get a peek.

Apparently, they’re serving something special at the cafeteria of Pu Elementary. On Ash Wednesday, a school employee was washing and scrubbing a sheet pan when she noticed something.

“On the third rinse I started watching it, trying to discover what it was,” she recalled.

So moved by the discovery, she took the pan to her manager, who said, “I know it’s something good for this community, and especially for this school.”

What the women saw was an image that is unmistakable to them. It drew so much attention the pan was moved to a nearby home, where it has become the center of what almost amounts to a shrine.

“It’s Sally from Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas,” said one visiting Disney fan. “At first I thought it was Snow White, but the long neck, the full hair — it has to be Sally.”

Another of the Disney faithful said, “I think it’s incredible. It’s real Disney magic. I’m no lawyer, but I think it’s probably a copyright violation, too. I don’t know what they’re going to do about that.”

More than 200 came to see “Sally” on Thursday, and dozens more arrived on Friday. A meeting with Disney lawyers was planned for Friday evening.