Today’s a holiday, so instead of doing actual work we are reposting several examples of the “Greedy Pooh” meme that have been all the rage of late. Enjoy!
During a recent covert nighttime sneak around Disney studios, we discovered the master character database computer on which is detailed in great detail the details of every Disney character since the beginning of time. Each character’s file is crammed full of facts, which the computer uses to generate a mathematical representation of the character that can be used when evaluating proposed new projects. While playing around with these models, we discovered that they obey all the standard mathematical rules. For example, Sleeping Beauty (from the film of the same name) minus Beauty (from the first half of the name of the film with her name) equals Sleepy (from the seven dwarfs) — or, in math terms, “Sleeping Beauty – Beauty = Sleepy,” just as you might expect.
Some additional mathematical investigation revealed the following equations, some of which are quite revealing.
If you are well versed in Disney character math and would like to add some of your own equations in the comments, please feel free to do so. If you think you have spotted an inaccuracy in this list, you are wrong. It has been verified by math.
Today, via secret undistributed shadow press release, the Walt Disney Company announced that it is selling the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers back to the series’ creator, Haim “Haim Sandwich” Saban.
Although it was difficult to hear Disney Press Correspondent Pinky Powers over the cheers of the Disney faithful, she was able to reveal details of the sale. “Disney is in no way regretful for accidentally purchasing the Power Rangers while paying far too much for the Fox Family Channel,” said Powers. “The Rangers are the embodiment of such Disney-approved qualities as equality amongst people of outfits of all colors, and good, clean violence toward giant monsters. In the spirit of helping the Rangers make a smooth transition back to their original family, this morning Disney paid Haim Saban $126 million for his agreement to reacquire the characters, and the Power Rangers were escorted out of Disney’s Hollywood Studios to be debriefed and have their annual passes canceled.”
Although it might sound at first sight like this was an amicable breakup, we could feel that the story stunk of cover-up, leaving a bad taste in our mouth. After the press conference, we confronted Pinky Powers with our suspicions, and she revealed the truth on the condition that we neither use her name nor mention that we got the story from her.
“The real story is that Disney had become completely disenchanted with the Power Rangers,” said Powers. “At first there was this excitement about adding the Rangers to the stable of heroes Disney recently acquired from Marvel. The idea was that there was to be this big reality-style television show with a ‘last hero standing’ kind of theme. A Power Ranger would battle a Marvel hero, with the winner remaining to fight the next opponent until everyone on one team had been beaten. On the first day of taping, the Pink Ranger was set to fight Wasp from the Avengers — kind of a ‘girl fight’ to get the thing going. Pink lasted like three minutes, then Wasp took out Blue in about another five. She took on Green, Yellow, and Red all at once after that, but it was no contest. Wasp was the last hero standing and all the Rangers were crying into their helmets not half an hour before the thing started. Talk about embarrassing! The Hulk, Iron Man, Spider-Man — why couldn’t it have been one of them? At least then it would make more sense. But Wasp? And not just Wasp, but Wasp played by Olivia Munn? Disney couldn’t run from that PR train wreck fast enough.”
All Power Rangers merchandise has been removed from Disney stores, being temporarily replaced by far more profitable empty space.
Direct from the Walt Disney Corporation Secret Archives, deep within the Burbank Atomic Survival Bunker, here is the official list of 100 Things Mickey Mouse Must Never Say:
It has been announced that after the release of Pixar’s newest feature Wall*E, a full-size animatronic Wall*E will be introduced into Disney’s California Adventure! This specially programmed, completely autonomous automaton will drive, make expressive noises, and pick up trash, just like its movie counterpart. Disney management says that it may even be allowed to interact with guests after it has completely cleaned its area of the park.
Unfortunately, just a few days after this news was released, Disney announced that it would be firing a significant number of its animatronics-department staff. This marks an end to Disney’s tradition of developing lifelike figures in-house or (in recent years) of outsourcing much of its animatronics work but not telling anyone. The released staffers will be replaced by specially programmed, completely autonomous Wall*E-style robots.
According to a post over at Molehill Media, Disneyland will soon play host to walk-around versions of Tinker Bell and her direct-to-video fairy friends, just in time to make little girls beg, scream, cry, and/or threaten an embarrassing public tantrum for fairy merchandise!
The five fairies — Tinker Bell, Fawn, Rosetta, Asia and The Black One — will take over Ariel’s Grotto in a jolly “Kick the Mermaid’s Fishy Behind” ceremony some time later this year. So that they will be ready for the rush of young girls with autograph books, wide eyes, and puzzlement over who the new fairies are, Disneyland is currently holding auditions for young women with slight figures between three and five inches in height.
Last month we reported on complaints that certain Disney characters weren’t keeping their performances up to date, and used a photograph of Chip as an example. Word has come to us through certain back-alley sources that the usually jolly chimpmunk has taken recent criticism quite hard. This rumor is supported by a photograph our Official DisneyLies Photo Correspondent happened to snap only yesterday of Chip surprising guests by wandering out from back stage in what can only be referred to as “not show ready” condition.
Quite a debate is raging within the halls of Disney over Giselle, main character of Disney’s Enchanted. Apparently, Disney’s promotion department is referring to Giselle as the “newest addition to Disney’s stable of princesses,” but the feature film department — which actually created the film — says that this seriously misleads the public.
“Giselle isn’t a princess,” says Helena Joybounty, animation keyframe studio art direction lead in charge of royalty. “She was going to marry a prince but married a lawyer instead. So saying she’s a princess is like calling someone First Lady just because she once dated George Bush, which would be giving her unearned airs instead of the sympathy she justly deserves.”
“If she gets to be a princess, so do I,” said Alice in Wonderland in a recent off-camera interview. “And while we’re at it, what’s with calling Pocahontas a princess? She was the chief’s daughter, but does that make her a princess? It’s like calling Mulan a princess — which some people do — but she just married a general, right? This whole thing’s just out of control.”
Giselle, being fictional, was not available for comment.
Disney has commissioned rogue photographer Annie Leibovitz to create another series of photos in which celebrities are depicted as Disney characters. Last year’s photos included Miley Cyrus as Cinderella, Jimmy Kimmel as Prince Phillip, and Alice Cooper as Alice in Wonderland (with the Olson twins as Tweedles Dum and Dee).
The new series has Stephen Colbert as King Arthur, Shrek as the Blue Fairy, and the artist formerly known as Prince as Snow White.
Quoting from an ABC “Eyewitness News” report:
Many Floridians say they see something on a pizza pan that’s nothing short of magical. And now, hundreds of Disney fans are flocking to an east Orlando house to get a peek.
Apparently, they’re serving something special at the cafeteria of Pu Elementary. On Ash Wednesday, a school employee was washing and scrubbing a sheet pan when she noticed something.
“On the third rinse I started watching it, trying to discover what it was,” she recalled.
So moved by the discovery, she took the pan to her manager, who said, “I know it’s something good for this community, and especially for this school.”
What the women saw was an image that is unmistakable to them. It drew so much attention the pan was moved to a nearby home, where it has become the center of what almost amounts to a shrine.
“It’s Sally from Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas,” said one visiting Disney fan. “At first I thought it was Snow White, but the long neck, the full hair — it has to be Sally.”
Another of the Disney faithful said, “I think it’s incredible. It’s real Disney magic. I’m no lawyer, but I think it’s probably a copyright violation, too. I don’t know what they’re going to do about that.”
More than 200 came to see “Sally” on Thursday, and dozens more arrived on Friday. A meeting with Disney lawyers was planned for Friday evening.