Archive for the ‘Books’ Category

Disneyland for Vampires now available

Sunday, September 17th, 2017

Disneyland for Vampires, Zombies, and Others with VERY Special Needs

Disneyland for Vampires, Zombies, and Others with VERY Special Needs is now available for purchase! If you’re a non-human (or non-standard human) who wants to visit Disneyland, this is the book for you! Seriously! Buy it!

Walt Disney World for Vampires, Zombies, and Others with VERY Special Needs

While we’re at it, Walt Disney World for Vampires, Zombies, and Others with VERY Special Needs is also available. For safety sake, it’s better to just go ahead and purchase both.

That’s Not At Disneyland! The Series!

Friday, November 28th, 2014

Just in time for your post-Thanksgiving holiday shopping escapades, DisneyLies has made a completely revised edition of That’s Not At Disneyland! available, as well as two additional volumes! It’s like some kind of amazing not-Disney-endorsed holiday miracle!

That's Not At Disneyland! (revised)

Although similar to the original, That’s Not At Disneyland! (Revised!) has been extensively revised based on feedback from our fabulous readers. Changes include:

  • Almost twice as many pictures!
  • Almost no text!
  • Answers in the back!
  • A significantly lower cover price!
  • The word “Revised” added to the title!

That's Not At Disneyland, Too!!

Because we hope you can’t get enough of this stuff, we created a second volume — That’s Not At Disneyland, Too!! — just as crammed with photo-puzzle goodness

That's Not At Disneyland, Three!!!

At this point you’ve probably guessed that we just can’t stop making these things, and you’d be right! That’s Not At Disneyland, Three!!! has all the picture-mangled joy you’ve come to expect if you purchased the first two volumes (which we sincerely hope you have), including the scandalous “Pantless Dentist” sign!

Review: Main Street Windows

Wednesday, November 5th, 2014

We have been laid up in bed for the last few days, sick from too much Halloween candy and an overload of adorable children in Disney costumes (although the little boy dressed as Buzz Lightyear with an Alien chest burster bothered us quite a bit, largely for reasons of intellectual property rights). The only thing that has kept us going is a fabulous new book — Main Street Windows
by Jeff “Not George; The Other One” Heimbuch.

So far as you know, Main Street Windows (MSR) is a survey of every ground-level window that has ever existed at any point in time in any Disney theme park in any part of the world (including France). As Heimbuch may have told us in an exclusive interview held entirely telepathically:

This book was a great deal of effort. Not only did I have to visit Disney parks a great many times to photograph all the windows, but I also had to make a great many difficult choices. For example, is a hole cut in a wall that doesn’t have glass in it a window? And what about windows that are within attractions, or paintings of windows? Or pieces of glass that are there solely to protect dinosaurs? Should vehicle glass be included? I ultimately had to meet with philosophy professors from seven different universities to find definitive answers to these questions.

My original intention was to document every window in the parks, but I quickly realized that I’m not tall enough to photograph many of them. If this book is as successful as by all rights it should be, I will be taking a small portion of the massive profits and purchasing a pair of stilts so I can get right to work on Main Street Windows II: The Second Story (working title), to be followed by even larger stilts and Main Street Windows III: A Pane in the Glass.

Due to burdensome copyright laws, we can’t reproduce MSR in its entirety here so that you can read it at no charge and force Heimbuch to die an early death, starving and bitter that he made no money from his efforts (which, we vehemently insist, would be bad). Instead, we offer the following photograph which isn’t from the book but will give you an idea of what the book would be like if we have described it with all due accuracy:


In this photo, you see one of Disneyland’s Emporium windows with its display of straight jackets, Houdini memorabilia, and other period-appropriate items. Each photo like this in the book is accompanied by copious salient facts, such as:

  • Who was the glazier?
  • What kind of glass is used and what is its refraction index?
  • How does the window’s design fit in with the area’s theming?
  • What is the complete and detailed history of every display that has appeared behind the window (if any)?
  • How often is the glass cleaned?
  • Has the glass ever had to be replaced (and, if so, why and are photographs of replacement cost receipts available for inclusion in Appendix L)?
  • Has anyone ever tried to shoot a hole in the window?
  • If the window could talk, what would it say?
  • Et cetera?

We at DisneyLies recommend that you purchase copious quantities of this valuable tome (only $25 for more than 17,000 pages of information in 32 volumes, plus pictures — what a deal!) It makes an excellent holiday gift that educates more than a Shrek DVD and tastes better than fruitcake.

What If?

Wednesday, September 3rd, 2014

Randall “If That’s My Real Name” Munroe, author of the xkcd website, recently released a book titled What If?: Serious Scientific Answers to Absurd Hypothetical Questions About Disneyland. In the book, Munroe (who has degrees in both rocket science and artistic minimalism) takes a serious look at what some might consider to be frivolous, science-centered Disney questions.

A few of our favorites include:

  • What would happen in the Mark V Monorail was accelerated to relativistic speeds?
  • What would happen if guests maintained their rotational velocity after exiting the Mad Tea Party?
  • If the Monsanto House of the Future were built today but everything in it was still projecting the same amount of time into the future, what would it contain?
  • If every teenager at Disneyland on a typical grad nite had a straw, how long would it take them to drain all of Disneyland’s water features?
  • If all of the Disney parks went to war with each other, which would win?
  • What if Disney’s Animal Kingdom was, in every possible literal sense, a half-day park?
  • How much additional ink would be used over the course of all history if Disney used capital letters when referring to “it’s a small world”?
  • How many neutrinos has the Matterhorn absorbed during its entire existence?
  • If the perimeter of all Disney parks lengthened by 1% every hour, how long would it be before everyone was living in Disney World?
  • If all of the Autopia cars were merged into one super Autopia car, how fast could it go?
  • Would the economy of Liberia be improved or harmed if all Liberian dollars were replaced with Disney dollars?
  • If all Disney World attractions were removed and nothing but Ellen’s Energy Adventure copies built, how many copies could there be without necessitating changing any of the parks’ footprints?
  • How much additional damage can a human in a Winnie the Pooh costume take compared to a naked person? What about a princess dress? Tinker bell?
  • How hard would a child have to hug Mickey Mouse to compress him enough that the tidal effects of his personal gravity field became significant?
  • How would Mission to Mars have been different if it really went to Mars?
  • How long could an optimally designed and constructed animatronic Abraham Lincoln operate without human interference if elected President?
  • What if there were rifts in the space/time continuum such that each non-Fantasyland/Toontown Disneyland land actually existed in the time period it represented?
  • What would it cost to replace all the world’s birds with Tiki Room birds?
  • How long a strand of DNA would it take to encode the entire Carousel of Progress show (current version)?
  • If all of the energy used to produce Disney fireworks displays around the globe was turned to curing disease instead, how many lives could be saved?
  • How would the world be different if the rate of computer-science innovation was equivalent to the rate of Jungle Cruise joke innovation?
  • What would happen if one person ate the most expensive adult meal on the menu at every Disney World restaurant within 24 hours?
  • What if everyone who had ever visited Disneyland visited tomorrow? Including the dead ones?
  • What current Disney attractions could be built and operated in Disney Antarctica?
  • If everything proceeds just as it has been for the last ten years, at what point will Disneyland tickets be worth more than gold?
  • If one child’s smile is one “awesome unit,” how much more awesome is Disney than Universal?

Progress City

Friday, June 27th, 2014

We are fully in book publicity mode at the moment, but are taking some time off from busily not writing anything for the blog to let you know about a Kickstarter project for a new Disney-related book from some person whose blog we read but otherwise know nothing about, including secret details that only a committed stalker would know, because we don’t and perhaps wouldn’t want to.

The proposed book is called The Progress City Primer (see it on Kickstarter), and will contain none of the following:

  • An explanation of how Walt Disney could get people to lose weight with just one weird old trick.
  • Details of Disneyland’s never-build Monsanto Hall of Colonoscopies.
  • A biographical exploration of little-known Disney employees who somewhat aspired to be Imagineers but weren’t.
  • The secret history of Walt Disney World that they didn’t want you to hear! (Including juicy details of the never-built Condorman vs. Rocketeer Battle Coaster, the truth behind what happened to Animal Kingdom’s dragons, and why Avatar is way cooler than some dumb old wizard kid.)
  • A central 3D pop-up-book-style full-size recreation of Walt Disney’s original Epcot Center concept model.
  • An envelope full of cash (mostly twenties).

The author promises that the book will be hundreds of information-packed pages deep, contain photographs that will look wrong if viewed through a stereoscope, and be crammed with essays that have been added to, updated, or rewritten, often to the point that they have actually been replaced by completely new essays. He will also sign books if requested, or leave them blank so you can sign them yourself.

We don’t make any money off of the sales of this book, but we’re happily promoting it as part of the Disney fan community and in the hope that it will make the author feel guilty enough that he will post a link to That’s NOT At Disneyland! (currently 30% off) on his blog. Or something.

That’s NOT At Disneyland!

Monday, June 23rd, 2014

That's NOT At Disneyland!

It’s actual-announcement time at DisneyLies! Our new book, That’s NOT At Disneyland!, is now available to order. TNAD is sort of a photographic puzzle book, in which you can look at photos and descriptions of Disneyland locations that have been “modified” by DisneyLies’ own Horatio Liar. Can you figure out what’s real and what isn’t? Whether or not you can, it’s fun!

The book will be available at Amazon in the near future. For now, you can find it at Lulu for 30% off. Which is better than 10% more than 20% off!

Support independent publishing: Buy this book on Lulu.

Please run out and buy a copy to help us pay for our sainted mother’s eye operation*!

*Example used for promotional purposes only. Mother’s eye operation and/or sainthood do not necessarily exist.

Buy the new book!

Friday, November 23rd, 2012

The moment you’ve been waiting for is here! The new book, 396 Pure, Unadulterated, Dyed-In-The-Wool, 100% Made-Up, Completely Fake Disneyland “Facts”, is now available for purchase. Copiously illustrated and full of unreliable text, it’s guaranteed to be nearly entirely in English and 100% full of stuff!

What Jungle Cruise jokes can’t they tell you? Who are the Fra. Junipero Serra Memorial Dance Crew? Where can you find wicker toilet paper? If you had a copy of 396PUDITW100MUCFDF you’d already know!

396 Pure, Unadulterated, Dyed-In-The-Wool, 100% Made-Up, Completely Fake Disneyland “Facts” won’t be available in paperback on Amazon for a few weeks, so if you want to order it for everyone on your holiday list you have two options:

(By the way, if you’re a total cheater-pants who likes to see what it is that they are buying, you can use the Amazon link and then click “Look inside” to read some of the book before deciding to raid the kids’ college fund and buy a few cases of ’em.)

Fact Check Follow-up

Thursday, November 22nd, 2012

Deborah, who is proofreading and spell checking the final manuscript of 396 Pure, Unadulterated, Dyed-In-The-Wool, 100% Made-Up, Completely Fake Disneyland “Facts” for us, has asked us to pass along this special message:

“The people who came up with the spelling and punctuation used in Disneyland attractions should die in an elevator in the basement of a burning building.”

Thanks, Deborah!

Fact Check #8

Thursday, November 22nd, 2012

After placing the copious illustrations in 396 Pure, Unadulterated, Dyed-In-The-Wool, 100% Made-Up, Completely Fake Disneyland “Facts”, we realized that we didn’t have enough info on this fellow:

Can anyone provide us with a personal recollection of seeing the Haunted Mansion’s “Catbox Ghost”?

Thanks (and happy turkey day!)

Fact Check #7

Wednesday, November 21st, 2012

We know that the Matterhorn queue nearest Tomorrowland has the fastest ride, but which queue is the one that smells best?