Disney Lies

Best

• The Incredibles: Particularly the incredible fight scene between Mr. Incredible and Syndrome (it’s a blow-by-blow tribute to the fight scene in John Carpenter’s They Live, by the way).
• The Bear and the Bow: It hasn’t been released yet, but just the idea of Koda from Brother Bear learning to fight and striking back has us all excited.
• Finding Nemo: Based on Verne’s Mysterious Island.
• Ratatouille: Possibly the best film ever in which the title character is eaten.
• Cars: The Gary Numan soundtrack is awesome!
• Monsters, Inc.: Everyone cries when Mike’s mother is killed by “man.”

Worst

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Best

• Actually, we find that it’s best if you leave the park uninjured.

Worst

• Bruised ankles from a) standing in line in front of some nearsighted guy with a stroller, or b) psychotic duck attacks.
• Black lung from riding on the Haunted Mansion and accidentally inhaling some former guest’s cremains.
• Pin-trading punctures (commonly from forgetting that you aren’t wearing a lanyard).
• “small world” headache.
• Jungle Cruise pun overexposure.
• Battered wallet.
• Horrible bowel problems, massive weight loss, and eventual death after accidentally ingesting water from the Rivers of America.

Best

• Adventure Thru Inner Space: A perfect example of how you can fit a major attraction in a very, very small space.
• Mine Train Through Nature’s Wonderland: Who can forget the rainbow-flavored cavern or the Fess-Parker-shaped cactus?
• The Flying Saucers: Novel and thrilling! (Too bad they caused cancer.)
• Carousel of Progress: This massive animatronic presentation taught the science of electricity to a whole generation of kids. It was replaced by the (sadly short lived) Carousel of the Feynman Lectures in Physics.

Worst

• Rocket Rods: It turns out that a vehicle powered by army-surplus rockets just won’t stay on the old PeopleMover track.
• Mike Fink Keel Boats: So named for their tendency to “keel over.”
• Skyway to the Parking Lot: Unless you parked right next to it, really not all that convenient.

Best

• “Yo Ho (A Pirate’s Life for Me)”: Few people realize that the Pirates of the Caribbean attraction was originally sponsored by Life cereal.
• “Baroque Hoedown”: The Main Street Electrical Parade’s familiar theme is probably the best thing Kraftwerk ever did.
• “it’s a small world”: Banned in more countries than any other Disney song, but still a classic.
• “Swisskapolka”: Lively, toe-tapping, and far superior to Epcot’s “Norwegiankapolka.”
• “Grim Grinning Ghosts”: Here’s a hair-raising bit of trivia — when the Ohio Players were recording this song, a woman was murdered in the next room and her screams were kept on the soundtrack!!!

Worst

• “There’s a Great Big Beautiful Monsanto”: Easily Disney’s biggest musical sell out.
• “The Rikki-Tikki-Tavi Room”: This Tiki Room overlay didn’t last two months.
• “The Ballad of Davy Jones”: It was a horrible mistake to make Pirates of the Caribbean 3 a musical.
• “Stitch’s Great Escape Medley”: Mostly autotuned slobbering noises, this song somehow musically conjures the smell of bad chili.
• “If You Think We’re Sexy”: Not the Dapper Dans’ finest moment.

Special Mention

• “Welcome to the Jungle (Cruise)“: By the band Edison Square. It’s not an official Disney song, but it kicks bootie!

Best

• “A Whole New Part of Your World: From The Little Aladdin (also notable, “Prince Ali, Under the Sea.”)
• “It’s Not Easy, Lovin’ Green”: From The Muppet Princess and the Frog (also notable, “Dig a Little Mah Nà Mah Nà.”)
• “Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Pooh”: From The Many Adventures of Cinderellapooh (also notable, “A Dream is a Wish Your Heffalump Makes.”)
• “Zip-a-califragilisticexpialidocious”: From the live-action-plus-animation classic, Song of the Poppins (also notable, “Chim Chim-a-Dee-Doo-Dah.”)

Worst

• “A Whole New World”: From Treasure Planet. Okay, it’s another planet — we get it.
• “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” and “A Girl Worth Fighting For”: From Peter Pan. Peter and Wendy’s relationship is just too complicated.
• “Go the Distance”: From The Little Mermaid. They should have stopped at “Kiss the Girl.”
• “The Siamese Cat Song”: From Mulan. These days, it just comes across as racially insensitive.
• “Pink Elephants on Parade”: From The Jungle Book. Mowgli is way too young to be drinking this much.
• “A Very Merry Un-birthday:” From Bambi. Seriously, this is the wrong way to try and cheer up someone whose mom just died. Bambi singing “I Just Can’t Wait to be Prince” is a close second in insensitivity.

Best

• Walking down a deserted Main Street after the park had been evacuated for some false alarm or another.
• On a cold night, the smell of a warm churro purchased with your last $15.
• Meeting Walt Disney himself in the park, shaking his hand, suggesting that he open an inexpensive, state-themed park where the parking lot currently was, and then listening for an hour and a half as he detailed all the problems with that idea.
• Being able to look at a few seconds of some ancient movie for only a penny.
• A five-hour Jungle Cruise on which skipper John Lasseter explained in brilliant detail the back story of every single creature we passed.
• Laughing so hard at the wacky antics of a costumed character that an ambulance has to be summoned.

Worst

• Going to Disneyland alone for your birthday and asking the park photographer if they can insert someone else into the photo so you’ll look less pathetic.
• Standing for an hour in the Matterhorn queue only to find that you’ve somehow circled the mountain and ended up back where you started.
• Fifteen painful minutes desperately trying to locate the Innoventions restroom.
• Getting caught shoplifting from the Emporium and having to choose between prosecution or two hours on Star Tours vomit-cleanup duty (we chose prosecution).
• Accidentally referring to the Matterhorn as “Magic Mountain” in front of a tour group from a Disneyana convention.
• Years of therapy bills after the kids happen to catch a glimpse of one of the costumed characters (Alice) with her head off.

Best

• A family of well-adjusted individuals who have had plenty of rest, know what they’re doing, have intelligently budgeted both their time and money, and actually exist.
• The friendly man who, for his 80th birthday, celebrates by buying churros for everyone then goes to City Hall and files a report about how wonderful all the cast members have treated him.
• People who ask questions that are reasonable and that you actually have a chance of knowing the answer to, but that you haven’t heard every minute of every day since you started working at the park.

Worst

• Kids who think that costumed characters are robots and/or unable to feel pain.
• The guy who shows up at Jedi training with his own sword.
• The snooty woman who throws a piece of trash on the ground and then checks how long it takes a cast member to pick it up.
• Relatives that you signed into the park who then expect you to do them special favors and give them big discounts all day.
• People who fall asleep dreaming of massive insurance payouts and visit the park hoping against hope that they’ll be injured.
• The man in the bathroom who asks where the nearest bathroom is.
• The screaming, abusive, anti-social lost child.
• That child’s screaming, abusive, anti-social parents.
• Annual pass holders who are such know-it-alls that you wish they’d just stay at home and annoy people on the Web.

Best

• Toy Story 2
• Toy Story 3
• Toy Story 4

Worst

• Old Yeller II: The Search for Yeller
• The White Hole
• Herbie Goes to Rehab

Best

• Photo of you in front of the castle just as the sun begins to glint off the gold filigree (available seasonally).
• Getting Tarzan to autograph your chest (ladies can ask for this too!)
• Piece of an original Electrical Parade vehicle (a friend of ours got a fire extinguisher!)

Worst

• Piece of an original Imagineer.
• Disneyland 50th Birthday Cake Pin (made from real cake).
• Do-it-yourself deep-fried churro kit.

Best

• During Beauty and the Beast’s “Gaston” song, one of the heads on the wall is Bambi’s mom.
• In The Rescuers, while the heroes are rushing past an apartment building, for a few frames you can see an adult Ariel, formerly the little mermaid, standing at a window.
• Snow White’s seven dwarfs are named for the seven types of theme-park guests.

Worst

• In Oliver & Company when Oliver says, “Yes,” that’s a direct quote from The Absent Minded Professor.
• The third guy from the left in the background in frame 217,143 of Chicken Little is the head of Disney animation’s gardener’s cousin.
• If you play Toy Story backwards, Buzz Lightyear is the embodiment of Michael Eisner’s career.