Archive for the ‘Animation’ Category

A new plot for Rapunzel

Monday, March 15th, 2010

Disney’s upcoming Rapunzel animated feature has gone through a number of pre-production changes of late. Apparently, some of the creative forces behind the film were concerned that it was turning out to be too much of a “traditional princess tale,” and thought that a stronger, more modern main character would be more popular with audiences. The film was renamed Tangled and its story was completely reworked.

According to an official Disney press release that was channeled to us from a local astrologer, “Tangled will be the story of Rapunzel, a woman who took a nazarite vow at birth that has made her an amazing warrior. After an incident in her youth when she burned down an enemy’s field by setting local animals on fire, she was locked in a tower for fear that she would destroy the town if let free.

“As a teenager, Rapunzel is visited by a young man, Delilo, who speaks to her while standing at the base of the tower. Delilo is from Philistia, a town that is the historical enemy of Rapunzel’s town. Even so, they fall in love. But the inhabitants of Philistia are enraged when, at Delilo and Rapunzel’s wedding, she beats thirty of them to death for guessing the answer to her favorite riddle. They tie her up, intent on taking her back to her tower, but she breaks free and kills a thousand more, using the jawbone of her funny talking animal pall ‘Donkey’ as a weapon.

“Things go downhill from there. Delilo is upset by all the violence, and uses his manly wiles to get Rapunzel to tell him that the secret of her strength is in her hair. In the night, Delilo cuts Rapunzel’s hair and then lets in her enemies, who poke out her eyes with swords. Rapunzel, blind and powerless, is bound between two pillars on the steps of the capital of Philistia. Gathering her will, Rapunzel miraculously grows her hair out to its full length in an instant, pulls down the pillars of the capital (causing it to collapse and crush the elders of the town), and beats the living daylights out of everyone within reach.

“In the end, Delilo sees the horror brought by his treachery. He sings a happy love song to Rapunzel, who responds in kind. They renew their wedding vows in a lovely ceremony at the base of her tower, attended by all the creatures of the forest. Rapunzel opens a blacksmith shop, and they live happily ever after.”

New Pixar Short

Friday, March 12th, 2010

Pixar has announced that the short accompanying the highly anticipated Toy Story 3: Lost in New York will be titled “Day and Knight.” Said John Lasseter’s personal shirt architect, “This short will finally answer the Internet-hotbutton question, what would happen if Doris Day and Ted Knight had had a baby?”

Imitating film

Friday, March 12th, 2010

An article on AOL Health (“All The News That’s Fit for Hypochondriacs”) reports that children all around the country are being infected by salmonella, breaking out in warts, and hungering for flies after kissing frogs in imitation of Disney’s animated feature The Princess and the Frog. There have even been reports of children in France becoming so orally fixated on frogs that they are actually eating the things! The story seems ridiculous on its face (for example, not even a crazy person would eat a reptile, and everyone knows you get salmonella from salmon, not frogs), but it does have an echo of truth in it — over the years, there have been many cases of children doing silly things in imitation of Disney films.

For example:

  • In the 1950s, little boys all across the country, in imitation of their TV hero Davy Crockett, donned raccoon-skin caps and ran for Congress.
  • The popular Frisbee toy was invented to sate children yearning to imitate the disc-battling antics of their movie hero Tron.
  • After the release of Beauty and the Beast, little girls followed the movie heroine’s lead and began to read books for entertainment (much to the annoyance of film-based corporations, causing Disney to focus its next animated film, Aladdin, on a more commercial female role model — a marriage-obsessed princess in scanty clothes who hangs out with big, fluffy animals).
  • Many children who saw Toy Story subsequently wanted toys.

This is not to say that The Princess and the Frog has had no impact on children. Quit the contrary — although there are no reliable reports of children doing anything so ridiculous as kissing frogs, a number of youths in the southern U.S. have been devoured (whole or in part) while trying to teach alligators to play jazz music.

The Princess and the Frog

Monday, February 1st, 2010

We wanted to get a Princess and the Frog lies page up some time before the thing was out on DVD, so here it is! The Princess and the Frog

Beware, it’s full of spoilers that will completely ruin the film for those of you who foolishly haven’t seen it! After you read it, be sure to leave your comments in the comments.

Beauty and the Beast and…

Wednesday, May 20th, 2009

We’re still in the process of sorting through all the photographs taken during our recent Walt Disney World sabbatical, but a piece of news came across the DisneyLies desk (in an unmarked envelope, addressed in crayon) that we just can’t wait to share.

Apparently, Disney plans to announce on Monday that in 2010 they will be rereleasing the animated classic Beauty and the Beast with all-new additional animation. Said supposed Lead Animation Director of Animating Animation Jade Austin, “This will be the first time that Disney has reworked one of its animation classic, not just to add new footage, but to add additional characters and animation to existing scenes, completely changing the tone and plot of the film.”

Austin continues, “Beauty and the Beast and Zombies will be much darker than the original film, and though the plot will be more significantly about how the cruel beast’s massive strength and claws make him the epitome of warriors against the undead, we haven’t lost sight of the love story that is at the heart of B&B.”

Rumor has it that the final battle between Beast and a certain stuck-up undead hunter has to be seen to be believed, and when animated furniture returns to life after being smashed in the castle invasion, a chill is guaranteed to go up every spine. The (much more threatening) version of “Be Our Guest” should also be quite a hit. It is possible that the ending — in which the titled couple is devoured after Belle’s love turns Beast human — will prove controversial.

We asked Austin how this project was developed. “It’s something that’s been floating around the halls for years. We thought of a number of possible ways to go with the ‘add a zombie’ idea — The Fox and the Hound and Zombies, Lady and the Tramp and Zombies, 101 Zombie Dalmatians, Snow White and the Seven Brain-Eating Undead Dwarfs — but Beauty and the Beast just seems perfect for this treatment. We hope you find it as horrifying as we do!”

New WALL*E Controversy

Monday, July 7th, 2008

Even as the U.S. domestic box office receipts for WALL*E pass the 27 trillion Zimbabwe dollar mark, new controversy is brewing over some of the film’s more disturbing content. “I was really surprised by all the cannibalism,” said Stew Eaton, dubious spokesperson for Americans Against Theaters Exposing Youth to Outrageous Ugliness. “The robot steals a dead robots shoes, which is bad enough, but then we see that he has this trailer filled with containers of parts of his fellow beings, and he uses those parts to feed his own desire to survive — literally cannibalizing the dead so he may live! At the end of the film Eve is dragged into the circle of hideousness and feeds WALL*E bits of his fellows until he returns to life, but when he returns his mind is gone — because he has succumbed to what is obviously prion disease, a condition common among cannibals who eat brains!”

Eaton paused for a moment and asked us why we had stopped eating our lunch, then continued without waiting for answer. “And it wasn’t just the robot! Think about all those people on that space ship. They’ve been there 700 years, we don’t see signs that anyone ages, but there are babies being born. Why isn’t the place bursting at the seams? Because they’re drinking soylent green Slurpees, that’s why! The evidence is everywhere, clear as the Fourth of July. This might as well have been the Donner Party cartoon.”

We contacted Disney’s Ethics Officer for comment, but he was at lunch — and his secretary was missing. Coincidence? We hope so.

Disney Animation 2012: King of the Elves

Saturday, May 10th, 2008

Not much is known about Disney’s 2012 feature, King of the Elves. All we can be sure of is that it’s the story of a man living in the swamps of Mississippi who puts together a band of elves to help him live his dream of performing as an Elvis impersonator.

Disney Animation 2012: Cars 2 — Rise of the Machines

Friday, May 9th, 2008

Pixar’s sequel to Cars, Cars 2 — Rise of the Machines, will arrive on screens in the summer of 2012. This time, things are looking good for Lightning McQueen as he continues to win races and gain fame. But what he doesn’t know is that his pal Mater has stumbled upon a computer chip that certain secret scientists thought had long ago been crushed in an industrial accident. After accidentally releasing its potential, Mater enlists Lightning to help him fight a growing army of horrible hybrid vehicles — half electric, and half alive.

Disney Animation 2011: Tinker Bell – A Winter Tale

Thursday, May 8th, 2008

The final direct-to-DVD Tinker Bell feature, Tinker Bell — A Winter Tale sees Tink in trouble once again! This time, her childhood friend Polixenes comes to visit, and everything is fine for the first nine months until Polixenes decides it’s time to go home. Tink gets her pal Queen Herman to convince him to stay, and Herman does so easily. But this makes Tink suspiscious, which drives her completely insane with the thought that Herman might be pregnant and she starts trying to poison people. Hilarity ensues.

Disney Animation 2011: The Bear and the Bow

Wednesday, May 7th, 2008

For Christmas 2011, Pixar will release The Bear and the Bow, the story of an independent Scottish princess archer bear struggling with the burden of having too many attributes pre-assigned to her character. Because of this, she has an argument and runs away to England where she puts on green tights, leads a band of royalist thieves, shoots an arrow with another arrow, and falls in love with the beautiful Maid Marion (making her Disney’s second gay animated bear).