We wanted to get a Princess and the Frog lies page up some time before the thing was out on DVD, so here it is!
DisneyLies.com: The Princess and the Frog
Beware, it’s full of spoilers that will completely ruin the film for those of you who foolishly haven’t seen it! After you read it, be sure to leave your comments in the comments.
We’re still in the process of sorting through all the photographs taken during our recent Walt Disney World sabbatical, but a piece of news came across the DisneyLies desk (in an unmarked envelope, addressed in crayon) that we just can’t wait to share.
Apparently, Disney plans to announce on Monday that in 2010 they will be rereleasing the animated classic Beauty and the Beast with all-new additional animation. Said supposed Lead Animation Director of Animating Animation Jade Austin, “This will be the first time that Disney has reworked one of its animation classic, not just to add new footage, but to add additional characters and animation to existing scenes, completely changing the tone and plot of the film.”
Austin continues, “Beauty and the Beast and Zombies will be much darker than the original film, and though the plot will be more significantly about how the cruel beast’s massive strength and claws make him the epitome of warriors against the undead, we haven’t lost sight of the love story that is at the heart of B&B.”
Rumor has it that the final battle between Beast and a certain stuck-up undead hunter has to be seen to be believed, and when animated furniture returns to life after being smashed in the castle invasion, a chill is guaranteed to go up every spine. The (much more threatening) version of “Be Our Guest” should also be quite a hit. It is possible that the ending — in which the titled couple is devoured after Belle’s love turns Beast human — will prove controversial.
We asked Austin how this project was developed. “It’s something that’s been floating around the halls for years. We thought of a number of possible ways to go with the ‘add a zombie’ idea — The Fox and the Hound and Zombies, Lady and the Tramp and Zombies, 101 Zombie Dalmatians, Snow White and the Seven Brain-Eating Undead Dwarfs — but Beauty and the Beast just seems perfect for this treatment. We hope you find it as horrifying as we do!”
Even as the U.S. domestic box office receipts for WALL*E pass the 27 trillion Zimbabwe dollar mark, new controversy is brewing over some of the film’s more disturbing content. “I was really surprised by all the cannibalism,” said Stew Eaton, dubious spokesperson for Americans Against Theaters Exposing Youth to Outrageous Ugliness. “The robot steals a dead robots shoes, which is bad enough, but then we see that he has this trailer filled with containers of parts of his fellow beings, and he uses those parts to feed his own desire to survive — literally cannibalizing the dead so he may live! At the end of the film Eve is dragged into the circle of hideousness and feeds WALL*E bits of his fellows until he returns to life, but when he returns his mind is gone — because he has succumbed to what is obviously prion disease, a condition common among cannibals who eat brains!”
Eaton paused for a moment and asked us why we had stopped eating our lunch, then continued without waiting for answer. “And it wasn’t just the robot! Think about all those people on that space ship. They’ve been there 700 years, we don’t see signs that anyone ages, but there are babies being born. Why isn’t the place bursting at the seams? Because they’re drinking soylent green Slurpees, that’s why! The evidence is everywhere, clear as the Fourth of July. This might as well have been the Donner Party cartoon.”
We contacted Disney’s Ethics Officer for comment, but he was at lunch — and his secretary was missing. Coincidence? We hope so.
Not much is known about Disney’s 2012 feature, King of the Elves. All we can be sure of is that it’s the story of a man living in the swamps of Mississippi who puts together a band of elves to help him live his dream of performing as an Elvis impersonator.
Pixar’s sequel to Cars, Cars 2 — Rise of the Machines, will arrive on screens in the summer of 2012. This time, things are looking good for Lightning McQueen as he continues to win races and gain fame. But what he doesn’t know is that his pal Mater has stumbled upon a computer chip that certain secret scientists thought had long ago been crushed in an industrial accident. After accidentally releasing its potential, Mater enlists Lightning to help him fight a growing army of horrible hybrid vehicles — half electric, and half alive.
The final direct-to-DVD Tinker Bell feature, Tinker Bell — A Winter Tale sees Tink in trouble once again! This time, her childhood friend Polixenes comes to visit, and everything is fine for the first nine months until Polixenes decides it’s time to go home. Tink gets her pal Queen Herman to convince him to stay, and Herman does so easily. But this makes Tink suspiscious, which drives her completely insane with the thought that Herman might be pregnant and she starts trying to poison people. Hilarity ensues.
For Christmas 2011, Pixar will release The Bear and the Bow, the story of an independent Scottish princess archer bear struggling with the burden of having too many attributes pre-assigned to her character. Because of this, she has an argument and runs away to England where she puts on green tights, leads a band of royalist thieves, shoots an arrow with another arrow, and falls in love with the beautiful Maid Marion (making her Disney’s second gay animated bear).
Newt from Pixar will appear in the summer of 2001. This film asks the question, “What happens when the last two newts on the earth are a male and a female that hate each other?” and answers, “We’ll give you a hint: ‘dodo bird.’”
This direct-to-DVD Tinker Bell film will be the most complex to date, involving as it does three separate plot threads intertwined with the celebration of the wedding of the Duke of Thesaruses and Hippolady, queen of the Amazons. This film will introduce Titania, queen of the fairies, and a group of rude mechanical creatures that perform a cartoon feature within the cartoon. Puck, the hockey puck from the original Toy Story, make s a guest appearance.
With the 2010 release of Rapunzel, Disney will only have four common fairy tales left to make feature films out of (The Princess and the Pea, Red Riding Hood, Goldilocks and the Three Bears, and Plato’s Republic). Knowing that they are nearing the end, Disney is pulling out all the stops on this one, using cutting-edge computer animation and filming the entire production in something called Hair-O-Vision.
Originally, Rapunzel was to be titled Rapunzel Unbraided, but an episode of Mythbusters dealing with the usefulness of hair for climbing proved that braided hair was actually stronger than unbraided hair, climbing wise, and if Rapunzel was going to have braided hair, they couldn’t advertise that she would be unbraided (for legal reasons).
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