Disney Lies

As usual, there are many WDW-related rumors flying about the Internet. Here’s a roundup of some of the most interesting (sic.):

• Are rising gas prices making WDW cut back on its fleet of busses? Recent guests have complained that busses are more scarce that usual, and that there is a marked increase in the use of “bicycles built for 64″.
• Epcot is rumored to have a new attraction ready to premier in 2010, but there is no agreement on what that attraction might be. It might be as large as a replacement for the Wonders of Life pavilion (most likely a Wonders of Capitalism area) or as small as a new flavor of soda in Club Cool.
• Does the upcoming Country Bears rehab herald there return of the Country Bears Christmas Hoedown? Disney isn’t saying, but did hint that the rehabed show might “have a segment with a song about a shopping maul”.
• In a unanimous show of unity, all of Disney management came together to distance itself from the horrible pun at the end of the previous item in this list.
• Because of Disney’s overwhelming need for expansion, the Pocahontas show at Animal Kingdom will reportedly be closed and its cast moved to a reservation of some kind.

Reports are that Disney’s Animal Kingdom’s Restaurantosaurus restaurant will be eliminating its McDonald’s food, replacing it with dining items more appropriate to the area’s prehistoric theme. According to rumor, the new menu involves cloned woolly mammoths and some kind of trilobite-related breakfast item.

The removal of McDonald’s food items will take more than a month, giving hasmat teams enough time to ensure that every last trace is gone.

Jane Goodall, famed monkeyologist, visited Disney’s Animal Kingdom today as part of the park’s 10th anniversary celebration.

Goodall made a small speech about our responsibility to the Earth before walking with an elegant stride into the Pangani Forest Exploration Trail, setting the gorillas free, and organizing a park-wide simian revolt. With her army of hairy brutes, Goodall forced her way to the front of the Everest queue and rode the attraction repeatedly. Guest who protested were met with sharp-toothed growls and the unspoken threat that they would be peeled like so many tourist-attired bananas if they so much as suggested that the great scientist’s ride be interrupted.

After a few dozen rides, Goodall signaled that she was done and commanded her followers to peacefully return to their enclosures.

To round out the afternoon, Goodall headed to Tusker House where she signed autographs, shrugged off endless lame Planet of the Apes jokes, and had a leisurely lunch of fresh fruit, small birds, and termite grub.

Disney’s Animal Kingdom will begin a new tradition next Monday with its first nightly bat release. Each night, just before closing, some 300 bats of various species will be released from special pens near the park entrance. They will fly just above guests’ heads, accompanied by a stirring rendition of “Night on Bald Mountain,” through the park to the Tree of Life where they will echolocate themselves to comfortable, custom-made “caves”.

Says Animal Kingdom animal entertainment spokesperson Eaton Mutton, “At one time, the Magic Kingdom had a tradition of releasing a gigantic swarm of doves each night at dusk. Unfortunately, local hawks learned the bird-release schedule — from the Internet, most likely — and began hanging around the park to pick off young or weak birds from our flock. When the hawks didn’t respond to legal action, we were forced to cancel the nightly bird releases. Our hope is that these bat releases will have all the thrill of the dove releases without the wildlife complications. And if any hawks do show up, hoping for an easy meal, they will get one heck of a surprise. These bats can take care of themselves. Seriously, you should see the size of these things.”