Cards Against Humanity Disney Expansion

December 16th, 2014

Warning: Today’s post is about a game that is not appropriate for children, isn’t right for families or the easily offended, and is definitely not safe for work. Do you fit into one of these categories? Yes? Then run away!

If you are one of today’s hip young people, then you may be familiar with Cards Against Humanity — a card game of dubious taste that is often played by groups of teens or college students when parents and other decent folks are not in the vicinity. In the past, the Cards Against Humanity company has released a couple of themed expansion packs for their game (including “Remembering the 1990s” and “Famous Genocides”). This year, just in time for Christmas, they have created a game expansion pack specifically targeted at Disney fans!

Cards Against Humanity is played with two kinds of cards — black and white. A player has a hand full of white cards that contain short phrases and tries to match them to black cards that contain sentences with one or more words missing. The Disney Expansion Pack of Cards Against Humanity contains 100 cards — 20 black and 80 white. For those of you who are curious about their contents but don’t want to purchase the expansion, we have reproduced its content here.

Black Cards

  • My favorite Disneyland attraction is the Hall of __________.
  • Rumor has it there’s __________ inside the Matterhorn.
  • Make Mine __________!
  • For your safety, remain seated with your seat belts fastened, keeping __________ inside the bobsled.
  • Captain EO? More like Captain __________.
  • __________ is a half-day attraction at best.
  • Is this haunted room actually __________?
  • Yo ho, yo ho, __________ for me!
  • Do you want to build __________?
  • Which would you choose: __________ or being stuck for an hour on __________?
  • What they need is an attraction based on __________.
  • How typical. __________ exits into __________.
  • They say “guest,” but what they mean is __________.
  • The Handsome Prince saved Snow White from death with __________.
  • The Three Cabilleros: Donald Duck, __________, and __________.
  • __________ is a wish your heart makes.
  • __________ is closed for refurbishment.
  • We spent all afternoon at __________’s lair on __________ Island.
  • We have 999 happy haunts, but there’s room for __________
  • Since when is __________ a Disney princess?

White Cards

  • Bambi’s mom
  • The frozen head of Walt Disney
  • Getting lost in a maze of utilidoors
  • Endlessly singing “Let It Go”
  • The tiki tiki tiki tiki tiki room
  • The ghost of the old lady that died in the Haunted Mansion
  • The happiest place on earth
  • Disney dollars
  • An enormous collection of theme park napkins
  • Hundreds of “it’s a small world” dolls
  • A churro
  • Renting a wheelchair you don’t need
  • A Disneyland character with its head off
  • Grim grinning ghosts
  • Gaston’s decorating
  • The original budget for California Adventure
  • Animatronic Abraham Lincoln
  • Walt Disney’s apartment
  • A magical day
  • Tinker Bell
  • Massive post-fireworks crowds
  • An abominable snowman named Harold
  • Your hands, arms, feet, and legs
  • A secret basketball court
  • Soap suds pretending to be snow
  • A novelty hat that you’re going to wear once and then stuff in a closet
  • Cruella de Ville’s tailor
  • Stroller parking
  • An emergency bathroom break
  • Imagineering
  • Fantasyland
  • Another damned hidden Mickey
  • The Dumbo queue
  • Fireworks
  • A child screaming its head off from overstimulation
  • A thematically related gift shop
  • Monorail Blue
  • A maniac in a motorized wheelchair
  • The Mine Train Through Nature’s Wonderland
  • Watching through a window as people make candy
  • Collectable pins
  • A Photopass photographer
  • Oswald the Lucky Rabbit
  • Corporate sponsorship
  • A protein spill
  • Flash photography
  • Singing pirates
  • Buzz Lightyear Astro Blasters
  • The Mexico pavilion
  • Overpriced crap
  • Making movies based on stories that are in the public domain
  • Aging Mouseketeers
  • Fanatical copyright lawyers
  • An unexpected soft opening
  • A commemorative window
  • A coonskin cap
  • Cartoons with racist subject matter
  • The Love Bug
  • Dinner at Club 33
  • The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh
  • Mr. Incredible
  • The Primeval World Diorama
  • A drawer full of old ticket books
  • Main Street, U.S.A.
  • The back side of water
  • Slue Foot Sue’s Golden Horseshoe Review
  • Splash Mountain
  • Four fingers
  • An Experimental Prototype Community of Tomorrow
  • Overpriced tickets
  • Michael Eisner
  • An expired FASTPASS
  • Spontaneously breaking into song
  • Whatever happened to Huey, Dewy, and Louie’s parents
  • Standing in line until your feet bleed
  • Peeing in the Knotts Berry Farm parking lot
  • Mickey Mouse
  • Pleasure Island
  • Indiana Jones’ gigantic ball
  • The wildest ride in the wilderness

By combining the cards, you can make some funny sentences. During playtesting, we came across a few we particularly enjoyed:

  • We have 999 happy haunts, but there’s room for the original budget for California Adventure.
  • Since when is the frozen head of Walt Disney a Disney princess?
  • Yo ho, yo ho, endlessly singing “Let It Go” for me!
  • Which would you choose: whatever happened to Huey, Dewy, and Louie’s parents or being stuck for an hour on Bambi’s mom?
  • They say “guest,” but what they mean is Disney dollars.

Even more combinations are possible when you mix the cards with those from the original game (which you need to own before purchasing the expansion). Here are the few we found that were inoffensive enough to publish:

  • I got 99 problems but a novelty hat that you’re going to wear once and then stuff in a closet ain’t one.
  • What ended my last relationship? Collectable pins
  • TSA guidelines now prohibit singing pirates on airplanes.
  • Hundreds of “it’s a small world” dolls. That’s how I want to die.
  • Overpriced crap is a slippery slope that leads to the Mexico pavilion.
  • Why am I so sticky? Soap suds pretending to be snow
  • A thematically related gift shop. It’s a trap!
  • Coming to Broadway this season, an abominable snowman named Harold: The Musical.
  • This is the way the world ends \ This is the way the world ends \ Not with a bang but with an expired FASTPASS.
  • A maniac in a motorized wheelchair + a child screaming its head off from overstimulation = the wildest ride in the wilderness.

Big Restroom 6

December 8th, 2014

Apologies in advance for the poor photo, but when you’re taking pictures in a restroom, you don’t always have all the time in the world. Anywho, we were mighty impressed with this subtle Big Hero 6 Baymax reference at the Grand Californian Hotel!

Baymax at the Grand Californian Hotel restroom

A secret message from Disney?

December 6th, 2014

Sometimes coincidences happen, but when a corporation as control-oriented as Disney is involved, true coincidences are few and far between. With that in mind, consider these facts:

  • Disneyland’s 60th anniversary is quickly approaching.
  • Yesterday was Walt Disney’s birthday.
  • Yesterday, Disneyland made a number announcements related to things that are “frozen” coming to the park.

Clearly they are hinting at something, and I’m sure all the true Disneyland fans out there can guess what it is.

Now if you’ll excuse us, we have to go out and corner the market on “Welcome Back Walt!” t-shirts.

That’s Not At Disneyland! The Series!

November 28th, 2014

Just in time for your post-Thanksgiving holiday shopping escapades, DisneyLies has made a completely revised edition of That’s Not At Disneyland! available, as well as two additional volumes! It’s like some kind of amazing not-Disney-endorsed holiday miracle!

That's Not At Disneyland! (revised)

Although similar to the original, That’s Not At Disneyland! (Revised!) has been extensively revised based on feedback from our fabulous readers. Changes include:

  • Almost twice as many pictures!
  • Almost no text!
  • Answers in the back!
  • A significantly lower cover price!
  • The word “Revised” added to the title!

That's Not At Disneyland, Too!!

Because we hope you can’t get enough of this stuff, we created a second volume — That’s Not At Disneyland, Too!! — just as crammed with photo-puzzle goodness

That's Not At Disneyland, Three!!!

At this point you’ve probably guessed that we just can’t stop making these things, and you’d be right! That’s Not At Disneyland, Three!!! has all the picture-mangled joy you’ve come to expect if you purchased the first two volumes (which we sincerely hope you have), including the scandalous “Pantless Dentist” sign!

A pardon from Mayor Mickey

November 26th, 2014

Today, in the traditional pre-Thanksgiving ceremony, Toontown mayor Mickey Mouse officially pardoned one outdoor vending cart full of turkey legs.

Said Mickey, “It is a little puzzling that I do this every year, but I will say that I enjoy it, because with all the tough stuff that rolls around in Toontown, it’s nice once in a while just to say, ‘Happy Thanksgiving’ and this is a great excuse to do it. Tomorrow is a special moment where we give thanks for people we love and where we’re mindful of all the magical things that have happened in the past year.”

The cart full of turkey legs, each weighing about a pound and a half, was then made Grand Marshal of the Christmas Fantasy parade before being sent to spend the remainder of its existence on an enormous vending-cart retirement farm in Leesburg, Virginia.

Dealing with rain at Disneyland

November 20th, 2014

Winter is upon us, so we at DisneyLies thought this would be as good a time as any to post our tips for how to deal with Southern California rain when visiting Disneyland. If you happen to find yourself at Disneyland and it begins to rain, here’s what you need to do:

  1. Find a sheltered spot, take out your cell phone, and use a map application to see your precise current location. If you are in a Disney park and it is raining, you’re probably actually in Florida.
  2. If you are a Southern California native traveling with small children, go to a calm, quiet, friendly seeming place where you can explain to your children what rain is and why they should not be afraid of it. Maybe you can tell them Uncle Walt is taking a shower in Heaven or something.
  3. Get a large plastic popcorn bucket, make sure it’s completely empty, and catch as much rain as you possibly can. You can sell the collected rainwater to local farmers for big bucks.
  4. Buy a plastic poncho (many Disneyland stores will have them in a pile in a cabinet somewhere, possibly covered with dust). Use the poncho to wrap your cell phone, ipod, Google Glass, camera, fitbit, electronic game system, etc., so it isn’t destroyed.
  5. After your get home, tell all your friends that it rained once so California’s drought is finally over!

Special Passholder Event

November 19th, 2014

Last night, Disneyland held a special event for selected annual passholders. Those lucky enough to receive an invitation were able to visit the park from 8 a.m. to midnight, after normal operating hours. Special treats for this event included:

  • The opportunity to feel superior to “normal” guests who had to leave the park 4 hours before you did.
  • The opportunity to feel horrible guilt as hordes of very young “normal” guests cry because they don’t understand why they have to leave when all these other people get to stay.
  • Near continual performance of Main Street’s famous “soap suds for snow” presentation, making it the go-to spot for guests who wanted a free shampoo or stroller wash.
  • A special performance of Fantasmic! (marred only by the fact that the dragon was being refurbished and had to perform without a head, the Mark Twain’s performance was carried out completely from its static position in dry dock, and Micky Mouse was sick* so his part was played by Big Al).
  • Many unusual characters were available to take photos with guests, such as Robin Hood, Baloo, and Cynthia Harris.
  • As a special treat, Photopass photographers were available and guests could download electronic versions of any photos taken at the party from the Photopass website without having to pay a shipping fee.
  • At the end of the evening, all guests were given a Christmas tree ornament tastefully plastered with advertisements for upcoming ABC holiday specials.

*Mickey Mouse is currently not appearing at Disneyland because he has the flu. Apparently, he did not get a flu shot because Daisy has convinced Minnie that it will give him Mouskeautism.

Actual True Post: Disheard

November 12th, 2014

DisneyLies.com has a new sister website — Disheard, your source for other people’s conversations and correspondence about all things Disney!

Disheard collects conversations overheard at Disney parks, as well as conversations related to anything Disney (movies, books, toys, etc.), no matter where they took place. It also collects actual postcards from people who visited the parks or had something to say about them.

If you have heard an entertaining conversation on Disney property or about something Disney related, now’s your chance to share it with the world! Use the Disheard submission form to send it in, and you may see it published online for the entertainment of Disney fans everywhere! (Real conversations only, please. It’s okay if you don’t remember the exact words, but no fair embellishing or making things up.)

Review: Main Street Windows

November 5th, 2014

We have been laid up in bed for the last few days, sick from too much Halloween candy and an overload of adorable children in Disney costumes (although the little boy dressed as Buzz Lightyear with an Alien chest burster bothered us quite a bit, largely for reasons of intellectual property rights). The only thing that has kept us going is a fabulous new book — Main Street Windows
by Jeff “Not George; The Other One” Heimbuch.

So far as you know, Main Street Windows (MSR) is a survey of every ground-level window that has ever existed at any point in time in any Disney theme park in any part of the world (including France). As Heimbuch may have told us in an exclusive interview held entirely telepathically:

This book was a great deal of effort. Not only did I have to visit Disney parks a great many times to photograph all the windows, but I also had to make a great many difficult choices. For example, is a hole cut in a wall that doesn’t have glass in it a window? And what about windows that are within attractions, or paintings of windows? Or pieces of glass that are there solely to protect dinosaurs? Should vehicle glass be included? I ultimately had to meet with philosophy professors from seven different universities to find definitive answers to these questions.

My original intention was to document every window in the parks, but I quickly realized that I’m not tall enough to photograph many of them. If this book is as successful as by all rights it should be, I will be taking a small portion of the massive profits and purchasing a pair of stilts so I can get right to work on Main Street Windows II: The Second Story (working title), to be followed by even larger stilts and Main Street Windows III: A Pane in the Glass.

Due to burdensome copyright laws, we can’t reproduce MSR in its entirety here so that you can read it at no charge and force Heimbuch to die an early death, starving and bitter that he made no money from his efforts (which, we vehemently insist, would be bad). Instead, we offer the following photograph which isn’t from the book but will give you an idea of what the book would be like if we have described it with all due accuracy:

2014-1105-Emporium-window

In this photo, you see one of Disneyland’s Emporium windows with its display of straight jackets, Houdini memorabilia, and other period-appropriate items. Each photo like this in the book is accompanied by copious salient facts, such as:

  • Who was the glazier?
  • What kind of glass is used and what is its refraction index?
  • How does the window’s design fit in with the area’s theming?
  • What is the complete and detailed history of every display that has appeared behind the window (if any)?
  • How often is the glass cleaned?
  • Has the glass ever had to be replaced (and, if so, why and are photographs of replacement cost receipts available for inclusion in Appendix L)?
  • Has anyone ever tried to shoot a hole in the window?
  • If the window could talk, what would it say?
  • Et cetera?

We at DisneyLies recommend that you purchase copious quantities of this valuable tome (only $25 for more than 17,000 pages of information in 32 volumes, plus pictures — what a deal!) It makes an excellent holiday gift that educates more than a Shrek DVD and tastes better than fruitcake.

Best cast member costume

October 31st, 2014

We saved our favorite for last. This year at Mickey’s Halloween Party, we saw many Disney characters in costume, but this was by far our favorite — Donald Duck dressed up as Daisy Duck!

Donald as Daisy