Disney Corporate Update

Disney Head Honcho Bob “Robert” Iger made a number of announcements to investors and the press today. Among the highlights:

  • Disney will be adapting the novel The Wrinkle in Time into a feature film, tentatively titled Wrinkled.
  • Disney Interactive had substantial earnings, thanks in part to the success of Frozen-themed game ap “Flappy Snowbird.”
  • The presence of Start Wars will be increased in the parks. Specifically, “You’ll see some big changes in the ‘it’s a small world holiday’ overlay now that Disney owns the rights to The Star Wars Holiday¬† Special.”
  • When asked how Harrison Ford’s injury will impact the release of the new Star Wars film, Iger revealed that production is on track, after a lengthy parkour-style chase/combat scene (with Ford doing his own stunts) was replaced by a scene of the villain appearing and Han Solo just shooting him. To placate uber-fans, the villain has been recast as a Rodian.
  • It’s official: Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. has been cancelled. Its time slot will be filled by Marvel’s Agents of HYDRA.
  • It is predicted that the MyMagic+ program will finally turn a profit next quarter, when all remaining bands and infrastructure are sold for scrap.
  • Anticipating a resurgence in demand based on the success of Guardians of the Galaxy, Disney has placed orders for hundreds of thousands of its once-massively popular raccoon-skin caps.
  • When asked why there was no Pixar film released this year, Iger explained that “We forgot.”
  • A reporter asked if Disney feels the need to take over cable channels through mergers and acquisitions. It was made clear that Disney “feels the need to take over everything.”

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