Archive for March, 2014

Postcard: Liberty Square Fife and Drum Corps

Monday, March 31st, 2014



We’re having a great time. This place has so much to do, it’s unbelievable. Even though we’re staying in the campground, we’ve spent a lot of time enjoying the facilities of the resort hotels. It’s great living like the other half does even for a little while.

Love, Kathleen + kids

Referenced here, pool hopping — the act of using a pool at a Disney World hotel even though you are staying somewhere else on property — is strictly not allowed. In addition, The DisneyLies linguistic historian tells us that “the other half” was a term used in the 1980s and earlier as a polite way to refer to “the opposite sex.”

From this, we can conclude that “Kathleen” is really a man who, to save the cost of a hotel room, is disguising himself as a woman for the purposes of better blending in while taking his kids to resort pools they have no right to use.

“it’s a small world” — best lyrics

Monday, March 31st, 2014

After an enormous amount of research and experimentation, is proud to present you with the complete, definitive list of “it’s a small world” theme-song lyrics, in order, from worst to best.

18. It’s a small, small world.

17. It’s a small, small world.

16. It’s a small world after all.

15. It’s a small world after all.

14. It’s a small world after all.

13. It’s a small world after all.

12. It’s a small world after all.

11. It’s a small world after all.

10. It’s a small world after all.

9. It’s a small world after all.

8. That it’s time we’re aware

7. There is just one moon and one golden sun.

6. And the oceans are wide

5. Though the mountains divide,

4. It’s a world of hopes and a world of fears.

3. It’s a world of laughter, a world of tears.

2. There’s so much that we share,

1. And a smile means friendship to everyone.

Muppets Most Wanted

Sunday, March 30th, 2014

The entire staff went out to see Muppets Most Wanted tonight. It is, of course, an awesome film, but a few points really stood out for us as favorites, namely:

  • The pre-movie trailer for the Muppets’ return to films based on literature, Muppet Wuthering Heights. (The scene with Miss Piggy knocking on the window was hilarious.)
  • The pre-movie short, “Monster House,” in which Monster University’s Oozma Kappa fraternity strikes back at Dean Wormer, the Deltas, and their other enemies by converting Mike Wazowski’s car into the “Deathmobile” and using it to massively disrupt the homecoming parade.
  • The cameo by Skrillex as the Muppets’ new musical director (and the resulting “Muppet Show Themearang”).
  • Sam the Eagle’s dream about being Captain America (with Gonzo as Black Widow and one Gonzo’s chickens as Falcon).
  • Miss Piggy’s show-stopping “P.I.G.” (based on Lady Gaga’s “G.U.Y.”).
  • Clever cameos by various celebrities, including Prince as a prince, The Rock as a rock, and Lady Gaga as a baby.
  • The hilarious, slapstick cameo by a pantsless Vladimir Putin.
  • The incredibly subtle cameo by a Subway sandwich.
  • The adorable post-credits sequence where Animal finds a tiara discarded from the crown jewels and puts it on, declaring himself “PRINCESS!”

“it’s a small everything”

Sunday, March 30th, 2014

“it’s a small world” is notable for its song, the train-wreck-like fascination it brings, and the strange capitalization in its ever-quoted name. In honor of the attraction’s upcoming 50th anniversary, we hereby offer a little look at what a list of Disneyland attractions might look like if all of them were named in the style of “it’s a small world.”

Main Street, U.S.A.

  • “it’s an old railroad”
  • “it’s some classic cartoons”
  • “it’s a one-way ride”
  • “it’s a robot president”


  • “it’s a circle rocket”
  • “it’s a small car”
  • “it’s a single rail”
  • “it’s a fish tube”
  • “it’s a round building”
  • “it’s a rocket coaster”
  • “it’s a space tour”
  • “it’s a zurg blaster”
  • “it’s a space musical”


  • “it’s a curious ride”
  • “it’s a small train”
  • “it’s a princess queue”
  • “it’s a fairy queue”
  • “it’s an elephant queue”
  • “it’s a small world”
  • “it’s a white horse”
  • “it’s a tea party”
  • “it’s a yeti sled”
  • “it’s a wild ride”
  • “it’s a flying ship”
  • “it’s a real boy”
  • “it’s a charming walk-through”
  • “it’s a wishing well”
  • “it’s a scary ride with a witch that may be too intense for small children”
  • “it’s a tiny village”


  • “it’s a runaway train”
  • “it’s an infrared gun”
  • “it’s a stage show”
  • “it’s a white steamboat”
  • “it’s a pirate’s lair”
  • “it’s a brief raft ride”
  • “it’s a copy of a ship”


  • “it’s a forbidden eye”
  • “it’s an old joke”
  • “it’s a tree house”
  • “it’s a bird room”

New Orleans Square

  • “it’s a ghostly retreat”
  • “it’s a pirate’s life”

Critter Country

  • “it’s an unpowered canoe”
  • “it’s a damp log”
  • “it’s a horrible mistake”

Mickey’s Toontown

  • “it’s a rodent’s tree-house”
  • “it’s a duck’s boat”
  • “it’s a small roller-coaster”
  • “it’s an age-restricted playhouse”
  • “it’s a mascot’s house”
  • “it’s his girlfriend’s house”
  • “it’s a caustic dip”


  • “it’s a parade”
  • “it’s a river show!”
  • “it’s a crowd watching fireworks”


Postcard: Strolling topiary lane

Friday, March 28th, 2014




We made it in 22 hrs. I twis cold here Sunday nite it was colder. Wat in the clays. We have a lieautiful place to stay.

Martha. Nomia
Lori + Barry

There’s a reason postcards have almost completely died out in the U.S. Namely, lack of autocorrect.

Postcard: Cinderella Castle

Thursday, March 27th, 2014


The plane ride was great!

Dear Dick, Linda

A Girls. This is absolutely great. The weather is cool but we are tolerating it. We’ve gone to Silver Springs and to Disney twice. It is like nothing we’ve seen. Ronnie + Pam saw Nicholas on Eight is Enough. We’ve taken a lot of pictures with the characters. I’m having a ball — maybe more fun than the kids. See you soon.

Ronnie, Patty + Pan

The psychology of people on vacation is fascinating. Note the following:

  • The massive lack of grammar, context, and intelligibility in the first sentence, “A Girls.”
  • The writer is so unsure what to be excited about that s/he is thrilled that two members of their party saw a character while they were watching a television show.
  • The other people they went on the trip with are referred to not by name but collectively as “the characters.”
  • The writer thinks that Disney World is more fun than having children (to be fair, this may indeed be the case).

Postcard: Welcome to the Magic Kingdom

Wednesday, March 26th, 2014


hi, Low & Lee!

We’re having the most wonderful time & enjoying 90° weather! We’ve been as busy, with so many different things to do! We spent the whole day in Disneyworld today & had so much [illebigle] Tomorrow we’re going swimming & then back to Disneyworld again. [illegible] to have to come home. [illegible].

See you real soon.

Charlene & Norm

At one time, the postal service tried to protect readers from potentially objectionable content by stamping over anything that might offend delicate sensibilities. If you were able to read the portions of this card marked “illegible” (as we, with the help of the DisneyLies forensic team’s teenage-boy-style imaginations, were able to do), you would definitely see why they were obscured. Really obscene. Particularly the first one. Ew!

Postcard: Cruising the Rivers of America

Tuesday, March 25th, 2014


78° sun

Hi Bill:

We had a ride on this at Disney World. We enjoyed every minute, bub couldn’t take in everything as there is so much to see. We are having god time.

Dot – Jim + Bertha.

This is a common complaint from people riding the Admiral Joe Fowler at Disney World — it’s enjoyable, but there’s just too much going on around the river for one mere human to take in all at once.

If a cast member likes you, he or she will recommend that you take the paddleboat ride at least twice to see everything. If they don’t like you, they’ll recommend that you take it once and then stand on the dock for the Columbia to come by to take you on a second ride.

Postcard: Contemporary Resort

Monday, March 24th, 2014


Di Dad,

We all are having fun, the weather is just great, Disney World is fantastic, You can’t believe how beautiful it is. It is undescribable. I got sunburn and so did Todd but it doesn’t bother either, well we gotta go and eat. Then we are then going to Disne world. Well Sally just got of the phone. Well gotta go Bye. Love Lynn.

Poor Lynn. According to the official DisneyLies psychic, she will spent the rest of her life doomed to never understand why the New Yorker never accepts any of her submissions.

Find your official Disney animated character name!

Monday, March 24th, 2014

Thinking up new names for characters all the time is a lot of work. For that reason, Disney has a simple system of assigning names to new characters, based on the name and birth date of the voice actor who will portray the characters. If you were a Disney voice actor, you’d find the name of your character by following the following steps:

  1. Think about your birth month and year. Are they odd or even numbers? Based on this, go to the indicated name table:
    • If your month and year are both even, go to Table 1
    • If your month is even but your year is odd, go to Table 2
    • If your month is odd but your year is even, go to Table 3
    • If your month and year are both odd, go to Table 4
    • If you are not sure if your numbers are even or odd, go to Grade School
  2. On the inidcated table, find the item in the Firt Name section that’s labeled with your first initial. This item is your character’s first name.
  3. On the same table, find the item in the Last Name section that’s labeled with your last initial. This item is your character’s last name.
  4. Put the first and last name together and you have your official Disney character name!

For example, let’s say your birthday is November 18, 1928 and your initials are "M. M." Your birth month is odd (November = 11) and your birth year is even, so you would go to Table 3.

Finding "M" under "First Name" on Table 3, we see your character’s first name is "Mickey." Finding your last name’s initial (also "M") under "Last Name," we see your character’s last name is "Mouse." Therefore, in this example your official Disney character name is Mickey Mouse! (Your character won’t always have the same initials as you — this was just a lucky, purely random and unforseeable coincidence.)

Now go and try it with your own name. It’s fun!

Table 1 (both even)

First Name    Last Name
A) Snow N) Robin A) the Cab N) Rabbit
B) Walt O) Br’er B) White O) Bubbles
C) Benny P) Wreck-It C) Bear P) Apprentice
D) Emperor Q) King D) Fairy Q) Jasmine
E) Alfredo R) Tiger E) Al R) Triton
F) Madam S) Sheriff of F) Louie S) Skellington
G) Michael T) Cheshire G) McQueen T) Cluck
H) Mr. U) José H) Mother U) Horsecollar
I) Yen V) Sir I) -man V) the Pooh
J) Lucifer W) Jack J) Lightyear W) Hearts
K) Little X) Tow K) Lasseter X) Von Drake
L) Colonel Y) Princess L) Dog Y) Pig
M) Lady Z) Sheriff M) the First Z) Sid

Table 2 (month even, year odd)

First Name    Last Name
A) Scrooge N) Cruella A) Rider N) Doom
B) Luxo O) The Magic B) Linguini O) Smee
C) Peg-Leg P) Tweedle- C) Pan P) Wazowski
D) Mad Q) John D) Little Q) Hook
E) Shere R) Launchpad E) Robin R) Jr.
F) Minnie S) Peter F) Mode S) Pelekai
G) Wendy T) March G) Willow T) McQuack
H) Oswald U) P.T. H) of the Forest U) O’Malley
I) Stinky V) Mike I) John V) Mirror
J) Judge W) Fix-It J) Horseman W) Flea
K) Captain X) Black K) Carpet X) Bell
L) Horace Y) Big L) Hatter Y) Bear
M) Cobra Z) Ludwig M) Disney Z) Lily

Table 3 (month odd, year even)

First Name    Last Name
A) Casey N) Sofia A) Charming N) the Cat
B) J. Thaddeus O) Madame B) Hawkins O) Mater
C) Great Prince P) Chicken C) Godmother P) Cow
D) Winnie Q) The D) Zurg Q) the Frog
E) White R) Darkwing E) Woody R) Duck
F) Jim S) Jiminy F) Hiss S) Hood
G) Clara T) Grandmother G) -dum T) Gearloose
H) Slinky U) Tinker H) Sparrow U) Tuck
I) Prince V) Psycho I) Pete V) Potato Head
J) Baby W) The Queen of J) Bad Wolf W) the Weasel
K) Lilo X) Oogie K) Khan X) Nottingham
L) Magic Y) Jessica L) the Lucky Rabbit Y) -dee
M) Mickey Z) Daisy M) Mouse Z) Dragon

Table 4 (both odd)

First Name    Last Name
A) The Reluctant N) Fairy A) Toad N) Felix
B) Kermit O) Lots-O’-Huggin’ B) Incredible O) Leota
C) Clarabelle P) Carl C) de Vil P) Caterpillar
D) Mrs. Q) Headless D) Hathi Q) Mim
E) The King of R) Donald E) McDuck R) Darling
F) Friar S) Flynn F) Fredricksen S) Fox
G) Blue T) Condor G) Boogie T) Witch
H) Bambi’s U) Lightning H) Bart U) Junior
I) Captain Jack V) Practical I) Cat V) Pete
J) Sorcerer’s W) Edna J) Herman W) Eisner
K) Roger X) Gyro K) Ralph X) Hare
L) Queen Y) Christopher L) Potts Y) Cricket
M) Thomas Z) Buzz M) Tremaine Z) Carioca

What was your official character name? Let us know!