Archive for January, 2014

Frozen Assets

Monday, January 27th, 2014

Over the last weekend, the total global box office receipts for Frozen passed $800 million, which means that if the movie were a nation its annual GDP would exceed that of 91% of the world’s countries, putting it in 17th place, right above Turkey (and with its eye on Indonesia).

All of this attention has rumors swirling about the possibility of a Frozen attraction appearing at one or more of Disney’s theme parks. According to a portion of commenters on the Official Unofficial LEGOLand Fanblog Discussion Forum’s “Other” subsection, Disney may be planning a reskinning of the Epcot’s Norway Pavilion’s Maelstrom attraction. The overlay would be fairly simple — little more than redecorating a few trolls as princesses and snowmen and installing equipment to freeze all the water — but might cause more problems than it solves. “The little movie shown after the attraction would just be that much more confusingly contextless,” said a person clutching a tiny Norway flag on a stick and looking at it wistfully. “There are already too many people who either walk on out without seeing it or emerge from the theater with a glazed look in their eyes. Also, the country of Norway sponsors the pavilion and we don’t want to upset them — particularly when their military power is almost equal to that of Disney.”

A far more appetizing option (with not apologies for the pun) would be to convert the Akershus (gesundheit) princess breakfast into an exclusively Frozen themed one. This would be another easy change, necessitating only turning down the thermostat a tad more, swapping in two new princesses, and replacing the current smorgasbord with a selection of frozen foods. “I would welcome the change,” said Arial, one of the princesses often found in the current breakfast. “I wouldn’t mind being transferred to another part of one of the parks — preferably one without such an emphasis on eating fish.”

Disneyland Best and Worst of 2013

Friday, January 17th, 2014

It’s taken us a couple of weeks, but we’ve finally tabulated your votes for the official DisneyLies Readers Disneyland Best and Worst of 2013! Thank you to all who participated — your magnificent prizes are in the mail!

And now, without further ado, the results!

Best: Haunted Mansion. Always a crowd pleaser, the Haunted Mansion hit it out the park this year with the addition of appropriate smells in each scene.
Worst: The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh. Never a big hit with die-hard Disneyland fans, the Pooh attraction became even more disturbing this year with the addition of appropriate smells in each scene.

New Attraction
Best: Jingle Cruise. The fact is that any animal is funnier with a Santa hat on.
Worst: Royal Hall. Everyone is still bitter that this princess meet-and-greet, lovely as it is, replaced the park’s beloved Secret Restroom.

Former Attraction
Best: The Secret Restroom. We get tears in our eyes just thinking about it.
Worst: Wreck-It Ralph Wreckulator: This was removed as more and more of Tomorrowland’s arcade games were replaced with retail space, but few will miss it. Let’s face it, the thing cost $5 for a two-minute ride and did little more than dole out dizziness and minor injuries.

Coming Attraction
Best: Endor Rocket Cycles. Finally a good use for the Peoplemover track!
Worst: Ewok Logracers. Please, Disney, leave the Autopia as it is.

Best: Indiana Jones Adventure. Everything sparkles, right down to a new coat of paint on the hidden Eeyore sign.
Worst: Disneyana. They rearranged everything so much that we can’t even find this place anymore.

Best: Royal Hall. It moves so slowly that you actually have time to get something done or become intimately acquainted with the people around you.
Worst: Line at City Hall to complain about the cancellation of Billy Hill and the Hillbillies. The line’s both enormous and depressing — a horrible, unmagical combination.

Meet and Greet
Best: Frozen. The animatronic Olaf on the roof is entertaining, particularly on warm days as he slowly shrinks into robotic nothingness.
Worst: Thor. His hammer is so heavy that kids can’t pick it up to have their picture taken.

Best: Arriving first thing in the morning when your family is perfectly prepared, well rested, and doesn’t need to go to the bathroom, and nobody is over-stimulated or sugar-supercharged yet..
Worst: Security. There’s nothing worse than sitting on a steel bench in a cold, empty room waiting for the security officer to chastise you for knocking Tigger over.

Best: Mine Train Through Nature’s Wonderland Limited Time Magic. Completely identical to the attraction we remember from our childhood, right down to the noses on the cacti. Absolutely incredible. How the heck did they do that?
Worst: Golden Horseshoe Review Limited Time Magic. Abridged, censored, and with none of the original performers. Sigh.

Guided Tour
Best: Walk in Walt’s Disneyland Footsteps. Finally a way to visit Walt Disney’s personal apartment above the Firehouse! And kids under 6 can jump on his bed!
Worst: Tinker Bell for a Day. You don’t know terror until you’ve walked all the way up the stairs inside the Matterhorn only to be attached to puny-looking wires and thrown down a cable to smash into a well-worn mattress on top of the castle.

Special Event
Best: Mickey’s Halloween Treat. This year’s distribution of nothing but full-size candy bars was a big hit.
Worst: Eisner Appreciation Day. At least the park wasn’t too crowded.

Best: Bengal Barbecue. Now with authentic Bengal flavor!
Worst: Club 33. Give us back the Court des Anges!

Food item
Best: Tiki Juice Bar Dole Whip. Because it’s a classic, that’s why.
Worst: Turkey-Churro Chimichanga. Nice try, but no.

Drink item
Best: Diet Coke from Coke Corner. Tastes the way a Diet Coke should.
Worst: Diet Coke from the Market House Starbucks. Everything about this is just wrong.

Churro Stand
Best: Near Main Street Station. Always fresh and friendly.
Worst: At the side of the road on Harbor Boulevard. Stale, tasteless, cold, possibly not even official.

Best: Main Street Magic Shop. How does he make that card hover in the air like that? Where did that coin come from? Is that Steve Martin?
Worst: The nearsighted guy with the hearing problem selling balloons. “No, the blue one. BLUE!”

Best: Rainbow Ridge. Still tiny, but looking better than ever after refurbishment.
Worst: At the bottom of the dumpster behind Toontown. Ew.

Best: 32. Just the right height.
Worst: 34. Too much bending.

Best: The one who let your kid stand in front of her at the parade.
Worst: The one who keeps hitting you in the shins with a stroller.

Best: Linda.
Worst: The other Linda.

Best: Mad Hatter. In particular, that time he helped the lady by emergency-delivering her baby right in the middle of musical chairs, all without breaking character.
Worst: Abraham Lincoln. Always pompous; refuses to sign autographs.

Best: Star Wars Land. A massive reworking of Tomorrowland, complete with a walk-in Millennium Falcon, cantina-bar restaurant, and Special Edition of Captain EO.
Worst: A significant portion of the park’s budget to be poured into retheming the Disneyland Railroad for the upcoming pseudo-Pixar film Trains.

That’s it! We’re already collecting votes for 2014, so be sure to send in yours!

Farewell, Billys!

Monday, January 6th, 2014

Hearts hang heavy today after the final, post-penultimate performance of the beloved Billy Hill and his equally beloved the Hillbillies. Big Thunder Ranch was crammed literally to the gills* with guests who wanted to catch the final show. At its conclusion, Billy Hill raised his hands to the gathered crowd, which cheered raucously, applauded uproariously, rioted briefly, burned the whole area to the ground pyromaniacally, and was escorted off the property promptly.

After several people in the calming crowd outside the park pledged that they would hunt down and kill any act that attempted to replace the Billys, the act that was scheduled to replace the Billys became unavailable for comment.


*Disney installed gills at the ranch yesterday in anticipation of overflow crowds.

Actual true post

Sunday, January 5th, 2014

We are breaking out of lie mode for a quick news item: The “The Walt Disney Birthplace Preservation Project” on Kickstarter has only a few hours to go and is desperately short of its goal. It would be awesome if you could stop by and pledge to support the project (particularly if you’re a billionaire Disney fanatic — if you pledge hundreds of thousands of dollars, I bet they’d send you an extra-cool t-shirt or something).

2013 in Review: Infographic

Friday, January 3rd, 2014

What were the high and low points of Disneyland over the last year? Read this infographic so you don’t have to bother remembering! (You can click if it you don’t have your super-human micro-vision-magnifier-lense glasses on.)

2013 at Disneyland: Infographic