Troubles in paradise

A few days ago, Disney’s Aulani resort opened on the island of O’ahu, but already the new resort is shadowed beneath a cloud of shame (or volcano smoke — in Hawaii, it can be hard to tell the two apart).

Even before the resort opened its doors, all of the key executives responsible for its construction were asked to either resign or be reported to their parents and receive several demerits which would become part of their permanent record. All chose resignation.

Their reported misdeeds were many and varied, including:

  • Building the entire resort on the wrong island (O’ahu, instead of Catalina).
  • Forgetting to lock up for the night when they left, so a toucan got in and made a big mess that it took like an hour to clean up (plus it ate all the grapes).
  • Draining the main pool and packing it with hungry tarantulas.
  • Enforcing a “No shirts, no shoes, no beachgoing” policy.
  • Leaving a cursed tiki on the beach for Bobby to find.
  • Forgetting to check if the “Fire-Dancing Goofy” costume was flammable.
  • Messing up the purchasing department by accidentally typing “monkeys” instead of “room keys.”
  • Making distinctly un-Disney “Don Ho” puns.
  • Approving the “Sacrifice a Disney Princess to the Volcano God” pageant, Jessica Rabbit Hula Dancing Class, and Three Little Suckling Pigs Luau.
  • Not taste testing the cocoanut churros.
  • Letting guests buy timeshares for a nickel.

But perhaps the biggest snafu was giving the entire Aulani Resort and Spa a Harry Potter theme. Said a person in a suit loading a bunch of office supplies into a rental truck, “I still don’t see what the big deal is. Our research showed it would be very popular with guests to have umbrella flower leis and play Pineapple Quidditch, and besides, if Universal can have a Harry Potter thing, why can’t we? It isn’t fair!”

Because, apparently, there is some sort of trademark issue regarding Harry Potter, the entire resort had to be quickly converted to a more easily licensed “Hawaii Five-0” theme (as the commercials say, “You want suites? Book ’em, Danno!”).

Disney’s crack legal department has also recommended that other projects in which these executives had a hand be examined for potential areas of difficulty. For this reason, executives are investigating several Shanghai Disneyland attractions currently under construction, even though the (former) management insists that there is nothing related to Harry Potter anywhere on the property. Attractions being scrutinized include The Enchanted Dalek Room, Cylonland, “it’s a borg world,” Buzz Lightyear Aliens Blasters, Skeletor Mountain, Pirates of the Planet of the Apes, “Honey, I Blew Up the Terminator!”, Mr. Toad’s Matrix Ride, and Emperor Palpatine’s Castle, among others.

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