In an attempt to look more relevant and get more hits, we’re experimentally stealing the Disneyland refurbishment schedule from Mouse Planet and pretending we wrote it.
- Blue Bayou: Closed in September and November to install an authentic swamp-smell system and even dimmer lights that should make the new, improved prices less bothersome to guests.
- Disneyland Monorail: Until further notice, not opening until 10 a.m. Saturday, Sunday, and Monday due to pilot’s always waking up with a serious hangover after late nights at ElecTRONica.
- Haunted Mansion: Closed from late August through mid-September so they can get a skid steer in there for the annual removal of accumulated guest-strewn cremains.
- “it’s a small world”: Closed October and November so cast members can catch up on their group therapy sessions.
- Mark Twain Riverboat: Closed September 26 through 28 to rotate the paddle wheel and polish the inside of the smokestacks.
- Matterhorn Bobsleds: Closed until September because Harold’s “don’t eat the guests” training has apparently worn off (again).
- Pirates of the Caribbean: Closed September through November to replace the scummy old water with nice, fresh mint julep.
- Space Mountain: Closed for two weeks in September so they can install the Currently Closed for Refurbishment overlay.
Disney California Adventure
- Baker’s Field Bakery: Closed permanently so that it can be replaced with an ice-cream shop (which the park desperately needs).
- Bur-r-r Bank Ice Cream: Closed permanently so that it can be replaced with a bakery (which the park was sorely lacking).
- California Screamin': Closed September and October so they can take another shot at finding that “g” they lost back in 2001.
- Engine-Ears Toys: Closed until they can think of a new name that doesn’t have any body parts in it.
- Francis’ Lady Bug Boogie: Closed until further notice due to continuing gender identity issues.
- Greetings from California: Closed until mid-2012 on general principles because cast members were tired of trying to explain the “it’s supposed to look like a postcard” theme.
- It’s Tough to be a Bug!: Closed from late October through early November for installation of One Infested Christmas overlay.
- Redwood Challenge Creek Trail: Closed through October so the fire department can conduct controlled burns.
Disneyland Resort Hotels
- Disneyland Hotel Neverland Pool: Largely closed due to construction, but guests are welcome to try out the new Monorail water slides and try to imagine how cool they’ll be once water is added.
- Disneyland Hotel Guest Laundry: Closed due to nobody in their right mind doing laundry while on vacation.
- Disneyland Hotel Fitness Center: Closed because of construction. Fitness equipment has been relocated to the lobby and labeled as a seasonal display.
Note: We’re pretty much making this stuff up on the fly. Try not to rely on it too heavily. For more up-to-date misinformation, check out the DisneyLies.com Massive Disneyland Attraction Database.