Archive for August, 2011

Fantasy Faire coming to Disneyland!

Monday, August 29th, 2011

It was recently announced that Disneyland’s Carnation Plaza Garden is going to be not just removed, but — in a special, hard-ticket event — utterly and explosively obliterated to the hip stylings of a live swing band. Once the debris is cleared and collateral damage dealt with, the suddenly open space will be used to create Fantasy Faire, a new area of Fantasyland.

Fantasy Faire will include many unique, fantastical character-oriented attractions, including a princess meet-and-greet, a stage on which princess-related productions can be performed, a stand where child-friendly, quasi-medieval, fast food can be purchased, and a shop selling princess-related clothing and souvenirs. When asked how the new Fantasy Faire will differ from the current Disney Princess Fantasy Faire, a woman with too much makeup and fake hair who claimed to be the personal assistant of George Kalogridis, President of Disneyland Resort, said, “It’s a lot more south. You’ll be able to enjoy the princesses without the long walk, anachronistic railroad intrusions, and occasional mood-ruining whiffs of Toontown stench.”

Not everyone is pleased with the planned expansion. “It’s a load of Dumbo leavings!” said Herbert Haberdasher, President and Tenor of the Main Street, U.S.A. Merchant’s Association. “They’re whittling away at Main Street piece by piece. You let this go, and they won’t be happy until the Emporium is renamed the Enchantium and ‘Princessland’ stretches from one train station to the other. Think it won’t happen? Look at how New Orleans Square annexed a huge hunk of Frontierland! Think nobody was hurt by that? Next time you see her, ask Aunt Jemima how she feels!”‘

No thanks, Herbert — we’ll take your word for it!

Legoland Disneyland

Wednesday, August 24th, 2011

The Lego Group announced in a press release today that, after months of intense inter-lawyer negotiations, they had secured rights from Disney to build an all-Lego replica of Disneyland in Legoland California’s “Miniland” area. The 1:20 scale park will include representations of all major attractions, many mechanically animated scenes, and humorous details such as Lego churros, minifigures with wheelbarrows full of money approaching the ticket booths, a Lego wampa standing in for the Matterhorn yeti, and suicidal-looking parental minifigs in the Brobdingnagian Dumbo queue.

Said a thermoplastic injection molded Lego representative, “Disneyland is said to be built from fantasy and dreams, and we are happy to report that, in 2012, we will demonstrate that it can also be built from acrylonitrile butadiene styrene. The Legoland Disneyland Miniland will have all the ‘lands’ of the original Disneyland, including an Adventureland Miniland, a Frontierland Miniland, and a Miniland Fantasyland with an enormous miniature castle. One of the Legomasters even put a little Lando Calrissian minifig near where they have the Jedi Training show, as if, after touring the galaxy, Lando had landed in Legoland Disneyland Miniland and planned to be on hand at the unmanned Tomorrowland bandstand. Isn’t that grand?”

Tiki Room, Under Old Management

Monday, August 22nd, 2011

Some months ago, a fire in the massive subterranean Walt Disney World computer complex destroyed the circa-1998 laptop computer that ran Magic Kingdom’s Tiki Room attraction. Because of the extent of the damage, quite a lot of the “Under New Management” overlay would have to be repaired or replaced, and executives — citing recent guest complaints — decided they could both save money and increase attendance by returning to the old “classic” Tiki Room show instead.

Although it was originally estimated that repairing the attraction would take a year or more, the new, retro-improved Tiki Room opened last week after less than a month of construction. “It was like a miracle,” said a person with shifty eyes whose badge had the word “lead” hastily written on it in pencil. “The Tiki Room reopened in record time and guests couldn’t be more thrilled. And it was all done so quickly because, uh, you know, because we’re awesome! That’s right — it’s because we’re awesome! That’s all there is to it!”

Ironically, across the country Disneyland’s Enchanted Tiki Room has been closed for almost a month and has no projected date for reopening. Said a tearful person in a Hawaiian shirt, “I just can’t explain it. It was all so sudden!  One day the Tiki Room is there and the next, gone! I distinctly remember it being here, right here, behind the pineapple juice stand. I know we didn’t bring it anywhere and I don’t see how we could have misplaced it. And the timing was horrible! The whole thing disappeared during the night right before we were going to show it to the nice folks who came all the way from Disney World to take notes so they could rebuild <em>their</em> Tiki Room. They were so disappointed they didn’t even wait for morning — they just left in their convoy of big-rig trucks and headed back to Florida without even saying goodbye.”

If Disneyland’s Tiki Room is not found in short order, it will have to be rebuilt. Park management says that this will be treated not as a problem, but as an opportunity, and hinted that the recreated Tiki Room show may be “plussed” with avian characters from some popular Disney films. What an awesome idea! We can’t wait to see how it turns out!

Disneyland Refurbishment Schedule

Tuesday, August 9th, 2011

In an attempt to look more relevant and get more hits, we’re experimentally stealing the Disneyland refurbishment schedule from Mouse Planet and pretending we wrote it.

Disneyland

  • Blue Bayou: Closed in September and November to install an authentic swamp-smell system and even dimmer lights that should make the new, improved prices less bothersome to guests.
  • Disneyland Monorail: Until further notice, not opening until 10 a.m. Saturday, Sunday, and Monday due to pilot’s always waking up with a serious hangover after late nights at ElecTRONica.
  • Haunted Mansion: Closed from late August through mid-September so they can get a skid steer in there for the annual removal of accumulated guest-strewn cremains.
  • “it’s a small world”: Closed October and November so cast members can catch up on their group therapy sessions.
  • Mark Twain Riverboat: Closed September 26 through 28 to rotate the paddle wheel and polish the inside of the smokestacks.
  • Matterhorn Bobsleds: Closed until September because Harold’s “don’t eat the guests” training has apparently worn off (again).
  • Pirates of the Caribbean: Closed September through November to replace the scummy old water with nice, fresh mint julep.
  • Space Mountain: Closed for two weeks in September so they can install the Currently Closed for Refurbishment overlay.

Disney California Adventure

  • Baker’s Field Bakery: Closed permanently so that it can be replaced with an ice-cream shop (which the park desperately needs).
  • Bur-r-r Bank Ice Cream: Closed permanently so that it can be replaced with a bakery (which the park was sorely lacking).
  • California Screamin': Closed September and October so they can take another shot at finding that “g” they lost back in 2001.
  • Engine-Ears Toys: Closed until they can think of a new name that doesn’t have any body parts in it.
  • Francis’ Lady Bug Boogie: Closed until further notice due to continuing gender identity issues.
  • Greetings from California: Closed until mid-2012 on general principles because cast members were tired of trying to explain the “it’s supposed to look like a postcard” theme.
  • It’s Tough to be a Bug!: Closed from late October through early November for installation of One Infested Christmas overlay.
  • Redwood Challenge Creek Trail: Closed through October so the fire department can conduct controlled burns.

Disneyland Resort Hotels

  • Disneyland Hotel Neverland Pool: Largely closed due to construction, but guests are welcome to try out the new Monorail water slides and try to imagine how cool they’ll be once water is added.
  • Disneyland Hotel Guest Laundry: Closed due to nobody in their right mind doing laundry while on vacation.
  • Disneyland Hotel Fitness Center: Closed because of construction. Fitness equipment has been relocated to the lobby and labeled as a seasonal display.

Note: We’re pretty much making this stuff up on the fly. Try not to rely on it too heavily. For more up-to-date misinformation, check out the DisneyLies.com Massive Disneyland Attraction Database.

California Zephyr’s New Home

Monday, August 8th, 2011

As Disney California Adventure refurbishment continues, the California Zephyr (which once housed a toy-train store and restaurants selling train-themed baked goods and railroad-flavored ice cream) has been removed, bringing a sincere tear to the eye of many a Disneyland fan.

“It’s like a piece of history has been cut right out of history, and now — it’s history!” said Paula Babble, a former cast member whose lack of eloquence is matched only by a sense of nostalgia so overblown as to essentially be crippling. “I remember back when it was the Viewliner at Disneyland. I road it as a little girl and it was like a dream that I was actually dreaming, about a train and being on a train. I was so happy when they brought it out of storage and put it on display at California Adventure! But now it’s gone, and it’s like they’ve taken my childhood and crushed it and stomped it and ground it to pieces, hitting it with a hammer again, and again, and again until it is nothing more than bright, fragile shards of a ruined dream sprayed across the landscape of my life, threatening to draw blood from any who so much as think of touching a finger to them — only worse!”

Disney has announced that it will donate the California Zephyr to the Gene Autrey Museum of Western Heritage. The museum doesn’t want the train and has nowhere to put it, but Disney needs the tax deduction, so there you go.

New DCA entrance theme

Monday, August 1st, 2011

DCA’s Engine-Ears Toys, Bur-r-r Bank Ice Cream, and Bakersfield Bakery were obliterated today as part of the installation of the park’s new entrance-area theme.

“The new California Adventure entrance experience,” said an imagineer who spoke with us on condition of our pretending he existed, “will be reminiscent of Walt Disney’s early days in California. As of now, with the construction walls up and the stores and set pieces removed, the entrance’s new ‘Disneyland: 1954′ theme is complete. Guests detouring around the new entrance will be able to experience the thrill of passing by Disneyland as it was being built.”

If planned plans continue as planned, this new theme — complete with “workers” performing “construction” — will remain in place until early next year, after which it will be replaced by an even more Disney-historic orange grove.