Disney Lies

After yesterday’s announcement that Disneyland would be allowing guests to be buried within the park, we received several requests for suggested gravestone mottoes (keeping in mind that Disneyland automatically approves of mottoes taken from Disney films).

Here are a few suggestions from the official Disneyland Happily Ever Afterlife press release:

• Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to work we go. (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs)
• All females is poison! (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs)
• What are you, and who are you doing here? (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs)
• It is not what outside, but what is inside that counts. (Aladdin)
• Phenomenal cosmic powers; itty bitty living space. (Aladdin)
• No matter what happens, I’ll always be with you. Forever. (Pocahontas)
• It’s all fun and games till someone loses an eye. (Tarzan)
• Oh look, bananas! Ha ha — I can’t believe you fell for that one! (Tarzan)
• But what about bacteria? (Tarzan)
• And Daddy, they took my boot! (Tarzan)
• It can’t possibly get any worse, can it? I guess it can. (Tarzan)
• Look, you’re really cute, but I can’t understand what you’re saying. (Finding Nemo)
• The sea monkey has my money. (Finding Nemo)
• Fish are friends, not food. (Finding Nemo)
• You know, you worry too much. (Fun and Fancy Free)
• The old notion that a bachelor’s life was glamorous and carefree was all nonsense. It was downright dull. (101 Dalmatians)
• Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Or forgetful. (Peter Pan)
• Who will rescue me? (The Rescuers)
• Hey, man, you’re ugly! (Oliver & Company)
• Why should I worry? (Oliver & Company)
• I didn’t make it all the way through third grade for nothing. (The Rescuers Down Under)
• What do you want me to do, dress in drag and do the hula? (The Lion King)
• Did I miss something? (The Lion King)
• The past can hurt. (The Lion King)
• Hakuna matata (The Lion King)
• Forgive me for not jumping for joy. Bad back, you know. (The Lion King)
• How do I get myself into these situations? (The Little Mermaid)
• I didn’t mean to tell. It was an accident! (The Little Mermaid)
• When I’m with you, I don’t feel so alone. (Hercules)
• We dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry on, we go home happy. What do you say? Come on. (Hercules)
• I’m a damsel. I’m in distress. I can handle this. Have a nice day. (Hercules)
• Dead as a doornail — weren’t those your exact words? (Hercules)
• It’s a small underworld after all. (Hercules)
• It’s not the first time I was tossed out of a window. (The Emperor’s New Groove)
• Practically perfectly in every way. (Mary Poppins)
• Is something supposed to happen? (Mary Poppins)
• You can’t run away from your troubles — there ain’t no place that far. (Song of the South)
• Oh no — now I feel really bad. Bad Llama! (The Emperor’s New Groove)
• Family means nobody gets left behind — or forgotten. (Lilo and Stitch)
• No matter how many times you save the world it always manages to get back in jeopardy again. (The Incredibles)
• Behold, the Underminer! I’m always beneath you, but nothing is beneath me! (The Incredibles)
• I’m sorry ma’am, I know you’re upset. (Pretend to be upset.) (The Incredibles)
• Reach for the sky! (Toy Story)
• To infinity — and beyond! (Toy Story)
• Do you think I was scary enough or was I just annoying? (Toy Story 2)
• Someday I will be a beautiful butterfly, and then everything will be better. (A Bug’s Life)
• You’re making the maggots cry. (A Bug’s Life)
• They’re busy building toys and absolutely no one’s dead! (The Nightmare Before Christmas)
• You’ve poisoned me for the last time, you wretched girl! (The Nightmare Before Christmas)
• Thanks for noticing me. (Winnie the Pooh)
• I’d look on the bright side. If I could find it. (Winnie the Pooh)

(If you have a personal favorite, please add it in the comments.)

With the economy all mucked up and DCA construction a bit over budget, Disneyland management is always on the lookout for ways to make a little extra money. This, combined with the recent increase in guests attempting to scatter the ashes of their loved ones within the Haunted Mansion and other attractions, inspired Disney to offer Disneyland megafans an option for spending all eternity in the Happiest Place on Earth!

Approximately a quarter of an acre of woodland — part of it behind the Hungry Bear restaurant and the rest in the “forbidden” area beyond the hollow fort on Tom Sawyer Island — has been earmarked for guests wishing to purchase a permanent annual pass. Grave markers will be simple grey stone with the former guest’s real name (no nicknames or Internet handles), dates of first Disneyland visit and death, and a short memorial message (which must either meet strict guidelines for taste and decency or be from a Disney film). For an additional fee, the marker may be “plussed” with an engraving of a favorite Disney character from a limited selection (e.g., Mickey, yes; Chernabog, no).

There will be a tastefully landscaped picnic area set aside for mourners, and picnic-style lunches will be available for those who want to spend a little quiet time eating and reflecting (no outside food, flash photography, video recording, unaccompanied very small children, or collecting of gravestone rubbings allowed). This area will have a FASTPASS dispenser available (for use during Halloweentime and on Bats Day in the Fun Park only).

Due to the assumed popularity of this new offering, guests wishing to be interred must either be cremated or (for an additional fee) entombed in a traditional coffin that has been modified to allow for “standing position” burial, stacked up to five guests deep. The plots will also be sold on a timeshare basis, so those wishing to pay their respects will need to check the online database to make sure their loved one will be there on the day of their visit.

Just this morning we learned from a press release published on an old Selectric II by a neighbor of ours that we’ve never seen in daylight that Google is going to be bringing the Google Driverless Car project to Disneyland for public testing!

According to sources, in early 2012 Google’s intelligent-car technology will be retrofitted into several Autopia cars, increasing their safety standards a thousandfold. A person in a nice shirt standing outside the Team Disney building in Anaheim tells us:

The Google-equipped cars will use sonar and lasers to detect impending collisions and, if need be, disable or punish offending drivers. They will also be capable of automatically applying the brakes or gas to avoid rear-end collisions — a problem so frequent on the Autopia that there is a separate division of Disney’s legal department dedicated to handling related complaints.

Because they automatically avoid collisions, Autopia vehicles will be able to move much more quickly with complete safety. They will achieve scale speeds of upwards of 90 miles per hours, and even at that velocity will be able to corner like they’re on rails. Ride duration will be lowered from just over 5 minutes to less than 30 seconds.

Ultimately, all Autopia vehicles will be fitted with Google Driverless Car technology, rendering Autopia drivers redundant — and no Autopia drivers means no line for the Autopia! One of the biggest bottlenecks in Tomorrowland will be eliminated just like that! If all goes well, every Disneyland attraction will be made riderless within the next five years. Can you imagine — even the Matterhorn and Space Mountain will be so free of guests that you’ll think they’re Winnie the Pooh!

As a sort of apology for the current logjam in getting content onto this blog, we have decided to give our loyal readers access to the Massive Disneyland Attraction Database — the system that we at DisneyLies.com use to track, compile, digest, store, and retrieve enormous amounts of information on the Disneyland resort! We’ve been putting it up piece by piece over the last few weeks, and feel that it is finally ready for Disneyfan consumption.

The database has four main sections:

• The main database. This is a repository of attraction information, with complete attraction descriptions, trivia, and touring advice for every significant attraction in Disneyland.
• Automated Touring Planner. Just input the date of your visit and select the type of touring plan you’d prefer, and the ATP will give you a detailed breakdown of exactly how you should spend your day at Disneyland.
• Surveys: Compiled data from huge numbers of surveys on a number of Disney-related topics, such as favorite animated characters and best fan web sites.
• Other items: A compilation of information that did not fit elsewhere in the database, ready for you to use as a handy reference. Be sure to check out the massively exhaustive list of the best Disney songs (in order of popularity).

If you think that any of this sounds like something you might find on another Disney-fan web site, you are sorely incorrect. The MDAD was created over many years by a massive team of expert programmers and statisticians, and it is smart enough to scour the web for additional information and update itself every single microsecond of every single day (aside from July 17, which it takes off as a national holiday). In fact, information is updated so quickly that a page may change from minute to minute — try refreshing a page and maybe you’ll catch an update!

(Note: Although the database boasts an average reliability index of 102%, we have had some minor problems recently with the human language process interpreter, so you may see the occasional glitch. But even if you do, rest assured that the underlying data is entirely pristine and accurate.)

Be sure to let your online and offline friends know about the new database and leave comments in this post if you have any suggestions for improving it. We’d also love to hear your success stories related to using MDAD information on your next Disneyland visit. Enjoy!

Massive Disneyland Attraction Database: http://www.disneylies.com/db/

We’ve got some medical issues going on in Chez Disneylies, so it’s still going to be a bit before we can start posting regularly again, but we wanted to make sure that our readers are aware of the problems Disneyland will likely be experiencing this weekend due to “Carmageddon”.

Carmageddon is the name that has become associated with the closing of a section of California’s freeways this weekend as part of construction that is intended to (eventually) help increase the flow of traffic from Ventura County and points north to the Disneyland Resort, and prepare infrastructure for next year’s opening of Radiator Springs Racers in DCA’s Cars Land.

This closure of a portion of the planet’s busiest freeway may cause massive traffic delays. In particular, waits for the Autopia may be several hours long, with some experts predicting the queue may stretch as far as Fort Wilderness. Traffic on the Disneyland Railroad and Monorail are expected to increase as guests seek alternate modes of transportation, and guests who reach the Autopia but decide not to wait may swell the queues of second-choice Tomorrowland attractions (Innoventions is not expected to see any increase in traffic).

Disneyland management is suggesting that guests visiting the park this weekend be prepared to spend a little more time. Said one manager speaking on condition that we not reveal that he will soon be exercising his stock options, “For the comfort and happiness of all, Disneyland recommends that all guests buy their entire families premium annual passes and book a week-long stay at one of the Resort’s fine hotels. Stay as long as you are financially able and enjoy!”