Archive for March, 2011

Disneyland Tour: Gas lamp

Monday, March 7th, 2011

Disneyland Tour: Gas lamp

In keeping with its turn-of-the-century theme, all of Main Street is lit either by gas lamps or Edison-style light bulbs of hand-blown glass. At one time, old Diogenes the lamplighter would walk down Main Street each evening, lighting the gas lamps one at a time and interacting with guests saying he was “just looking for someone with character.”

In Diogenes’ absence, the lamps would be lit by Inferno, the fire breather from the Mickey Mouse Club Circus. Unfortunately, rising costs and a push for a new contract from the lamp-lighters union eventually led to the cancellation of this time-honored tradition. Today, the lamps are lit with a burst of high-intensity laser light fired from the top of the train station. It’s a high-tech solution that’s quick, inexpensive, and hardly ever blinds anyone.

Coming up next: Hitching post

Drawn This Way

Sunday, March 6th, 2011

There was an awesome dance party at Disneyland tonight after all the cheerleader competitions, and everyone’s favorite band Edison Square played (to riotous applause, as usual). They introduced a new song — their third in the row parodying a Lady Gaga tune. They’re either obsessed with her or they need to get out more often!

Anyway, we did our best to transcribe the lyrics and, with their kind permission, present them to you for your reading, dancing, and (if you are so inclined) performing pleasure!

Drawn This Way
(With apologies to Lady Gaga)

It doesn’t matter if you’re W.B, or W-A-L-T.

You hold your gloves up,
‘Cause you’ve got character, baby.

I was a siren right from day one,
Sketched out as harsh sexy cruel.
They drew my bust, painted my dress on,
My look was all hot and cool.

A good design can help a toon go far,
So let the director have his say.
But how you look does not show who you are,
When your cells are on eBay.

I’m hard to look at you say,
But that brings me no shame.
I’m not a bad toon, baby,
I was drawn this way.

Put your eyes back in your head,
Look past the tight sequined dress.
I won’t hurt Roger, baby,
I was drawn this way.
(Drawn this way.)

Look at me some other way.
Baby, I was drawn this way,
Baby, I was drawn this way.
(Drawn this way.)

Close your mouth and go away.
Baby, I was drawn this way,
I’m not a bad toon, baby,
I was drawn this way

Don’t be a weasel, be a toon.
Don’t be a weasel, be a toon.
Don’t be a weasel, be a toon.
(Draw me!)

So I don’t age like your other friends,
Whack my head; hit me with pie.
Hurt me on film, you can’t destroy my worth,
Accept who I am; I cannot die.

A caricature is not a sin,
So keep away the D-I-P (hey, hey, hey)
I love my life, I love Toontown, and
I love you ‘cause you make me laugh.

I’m hard to look at you say,
But that brings me no shame.
I’m not a bad toon, baby,
I was drawn this way.

Don’t try to erase the past,
Accept your ink and you’re set.
I’m not a bad toon, baby,
I was drawn this way

Ink and paint and on my way.
Baby, I was drawn this way,
Baby, I was drawn this way.
(Drawn this way.)

Multiplane me all the way.
Baby, I was drawn this way.
Turn on the laugh track, baby,
I was drawn this way.

Don’t be straight man, be a dope,
Whether hand drawn or rotoscoped.
You’re black and white or Kodachrome,
Studio born or made at home.
You may be CAPS or CGI,
Motion captured or caught by eye,
Don’t let your looks run how you play,
‘Cause baby, you were drawn this way.

Animal, human, or freak,
A pantsless dude with a beak,
Saturday morning, baby,
Your career’s at its peek.

Now you may be Betty Boop,
Or South Park Christmastime poop,
You are the ACME, baby,
Not a cell of dry goop.

Ain’t got a line out of place,
My lead made no mistakes.
I’m no booby trap, baby,
I was drawn this way.

And when you feel like the dregs,
Remember Pete grew a leg.
I’m not a catch phrase, baby
I was drawn this way, yeah!

Try and tear your eyes away.
Baby, I was drawn this way,
Baby, I was drawn this way.
(Drawn this way.)

Throw your biases away.
Baby, I was drawn this way.
Go take an art class, baby,
I was drawn this way.

(C’mon Roger, let’s go home. I’ll bake you a carrot cake.)

Disneyland Tour: Mailbox

Friday, March 4th, 2011

Disneyland Tour: Mailbox

There are two mailboxes in Disneyland’s circular town square, each serving half the park. In the old days — when correspondence was slow, had no character limit, and always included vowels — these mailboxes were quite popular. They were so popular, in fact, that they were run by the U.S. Postal Service from an office in Coke Corner’s basement and Disneyland had its own Zip codes (including separate ones for the parking lot and Walt Disney’s office). But then there was a big kerfuffle. Some politician somewhere got it in his head that Disney, as a private business, should not have a postal station all to itself, since that (ostensibly) made it appear that the Postal Service endorsed Disneyland (which, like everyone else in America at the time, it did).

That was the end of that. The Post Office pulled out, the mailboxes were taken over by Disneyland cast members in a lavish ceremony, and guests reacted to the terrible news by writing fewer and fewer letters while in the park. Today, the Main Street mailboxes are used primarily by people over 80 handwriting cards to illegible addresses, morons inappropriately disposing of litter, and obsessive compulsives who brought bills with them to work on while vacationing.

Coming up next: Gas lamp

Disneyland Tour: Guided Tour Pavilion

Thursday, March 3rd, 2011

Disneyland Tour: Guided Tour Pavilion

Guests who sign up for one of Disneyland’s many entertaining guided tours begin their adventure in the relaxing Guided Tour Pavilion. Here they can sit in silence, casually chat amongst themselves, or admire the back wall which at one time contained a door to a restroom (the restroom is still there — there’s just a wall in front of it that is removed at regular intervals so that maintenance can keep the inaccessible washroom spotless).

Available tours range from the Discover the Magic tour for children to the Disney After Dark tour for adults, from the Welcome to Disneyland tour for newcomers to the Every Last Hidden Mickey tour for die-hard fans, and from the energetic Walk in Walt’s Footsteps tour to the decidedly less tiring Walk in Eisner’s Footsteps tour. Seasonally, there are tours for Disney Christmas Magic, Magic Springtime, and, around Halloween, the Disney’s Halloweentime Tour and the much more frightening Management Policies and Their Implications in the Era of Cynthia Harris Tour.

Coming up next: Mailbox

Disneyland Tour: Entrance gift shop

Wednesday, March 2nd, 2011

Disneyland Tour: Entrance gift shop

Just to the left of the entrance tunnel exit is a small gift shop which originally catered to those who want to get their souvenir and gift shopping out of the way immediately but who lacked either the foresight or the patience to stop at the newsstand before passing beneath the berm.

At one time, this was a prime spot to purchase Disneyland postcards, as made famous in the classic Disneyana book, Disneyland the Nickel Tour (later revised as Disneyland the Dime Tour, Disneyland the Two-for-a-Quarter Tour, Disneyland the Sawbuck Tour, Disneyland the Fifty-Cent Tour, Disneyland the Dollar Tour, and Disneyland Tour Cards: No Longer in Production). Unfortunately, with the rise in popularity of e-mail, Facebook, and telephony, postcard sales have hit rock bottom. For a short time around the turn of the century the entrance gift shop attempted to cell Disneyland e-mails instead of postcards, but the enterprise was a massive failure (largely because guests couldn’t figure out where to put the stamp).

Current plans are to keep this particular gift shop closed until postcards come back in vogue. If you happen to see it open, immediately buy everything they have as proof that you witnessed such a rare event.

Coming up next: Guided Tour Pavilion

Disneyland Tour: Attraction posters

Tuesday, March 1st, 2011

Disneyland Tour: Attraction posters

Disneyland was originally designed like a movie. If the parking lot was the theater parking lot, the ticket booths were the ticket booths, the turnstiles were the ticket takers, the red pavement was the theater’s red carpet, the floral Mickey Mouse was the concession stand, and Main Street Station was the old theater’s beautifully hand-carved ceiling, then the entrance tunnels were the theater lobbies, so Disney needed “coming attraction” posters to decorate them. That’s what the attraction posters were and, to this day (with the exception of the first Friday each month) are.

Coming up next: Entrance gift shop