Beat the Disneyland Heat

Disneyland Resort may experience record temperatures this summer — some of them expected to drive the Toontown thermometer all the way up to “Volcano Heat.” To help you avoid ruining your vacation by falling over dead, DisneyLies offers a few tips for keeping cool at Disneyland.

  • Don’t forget sunscreen! And when you remember it, don’t forget to use it! And when you remember to use it, don’t forget to use it on yourself! And when you remember to use it on yourself, don’t forget to use it on areas that are exposed to the sun! (Filling your t-shirt with sunscreen may be fun, but it offers little solar protection.)
  • Drink plenty of water. Water may be purchased throughout the park, but you can also bring a bottle of your own and refill it from drinking fountains or, if you are immune to all disease, the Rivers of America.
  • At Disney California Adventure, stop by Guest Services and see if you can arrange for them to run the World of Color show a couple of times while the sun is still high. Then stand on Paradise Pier and run for stray water sprays.
  • Take the inner tube out of one of your car’s tires, inflate it, and go on Grizzly River Run by yourself. If you’re at Disneyland, stand in line for Finding Nemo, and when a cast member says it’s your turn to get on the submarine, tell them you’d rather walk. For a more leisurely splashing, ride the Jungle Cruise and taunt the elephants until they squirt you in the face.
  • Avoid large fires. Whether it’s a flame blast from Mara or a fire started in a trash can by one of Main Street’s charming turn-of-the-century “hobos,” you should stay away. You probably don’t want to go in any settlers’ cabins — they may look fine now, but have burst into flames in the past. And definitely avoid setting yourself on fire. Sure, Disney now owns Marvel, but this is no time to be playing “Human Torch!”
  • If you tell cast members that you are a student doing intense research on American history, they will let you sit in the Main Street Opera House for many, many showings of wonderfully air-conditioned Lincoln.
  • Stop by a vendor selling bottled soda and ask politely if you can stick your face in their ice bucket.
  • Visit the enormous refrigerated room where Walt is kept.
  • Remember that nobody can see you when you’re in an omnimover vehicle. There’s no reason not to take off your shirt, shoes, and pants on the Haunted Mansion. (Well, aside from legal reasons.)
  • Run amok on Main Street. When security apprehends you, ask to be put in the “cooler.”
  • If you have a job as a costumed character who is required to stand in the sun and sign autographs, consider early retirement.
  • For maximum heat avoidance, get to the park early, fide a shady spot to sit, and don’t move until dark.


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