Archive for May, 2010

Mickey speaks!

Wednesday, May 5th, 2010

Disney fans are all atwitter over YouTube videos taken at Disneyland yesterday showing Mickey Mouse not just shaking hands and signing autographs, but actually speaking to guests. “The technology is incredible,” said one guest, communicating solely through facial expressions. “Mickey’s mouth and eyes were moving, just as if he were a real gigantic anthropomorphic mouse and not just a poor, underpaid cast member sweating in a ginormous mouse helmet. He even addressed my son by name. My husband doesn’t even do that!”

To get the inside scoop on this new development, we contacted Bonita Chequita, a Disneyland representative chosen at random from the Anaheim phone directory. Said Chequita, “We’ve had a lot of positive feedback about the new animated Mickey character head, but I’m sorry to say it has less to do with improved technology and more to do with some kind of spirit possession. That’s how it knows kids names, tells fortunes, and causes unbelievers and Shrek fans to claw at their eyes in agonizing pain. We’re not sure if it’s a ghost or a demonic influence or what. All we know is that weird stuff has been happening ever since one of the maintenance workers dredged up what looked like an old Tiki Room artifact from the mud at the bottom of the Rivers of America. A duck tried to stop a monorail, DCA attendance is up — all sorts of weird, inexplicable things are happening. We’ve contacted tiki-curse expert Mike Lookinland to see what can be done. But until then, enjoy the show, everybody!”

Cinco de Mayo

Wednesday, May 5th, 2010

In honor of Cinco de Mayo, all Mexican-themed attractions in the Disneyland resort that have “Five” in their name will temporarily have the word “Cinco” instead. Enjoy!

Hurry over to eBay!!!

Tuesday, May 4th, 2010

As all Disney fans know, the “Mickey loop” was recently removed from DCA’s California Screamin’ coaster. What you may not know is that Disney has put the Mickey loop up for sale on eBay!!! With free shipping!!! It’s a short auction and I didn’t notice it until just now. There are only a few hours left and the bidding is still only in the low three digits. Hurry and get your bid in immediately! Remember how sad you were when you lost out on your chance to bid on the entire contents of Superstar Limo? Or the tragedy of not hearing about the Orange Stinger “peel” auction until it was long gone? Don’t let another opportunity pass you by!!!

The cost of Oceans

Tuesday, May 4th, 2010

Final weekend numbers are in, and Disneynature’s second release, Oceans, has so far taken in only about $14 million domestically. “Those numbers may sound bad considering that the film cost $80 to make,” said Disney accounting consultant and part-time maintenance worker Mannie “Money” Moonie. “But you have to remember that their first film Earth only grossed $32 million, so Oceans was only expected to gross $22 million since Oceans is 70% of Earth. So really, it’s not far under expectations, and it’s only been out two weeks.”

Still, it would be nice if the films in this series were more financially successful. That’s why the narration of the series’ third film, African Lolcats, is being written with a more modern, hip tone, to appeal to a broader audience. From a psionically delivered Disney press release on the subject: “African Lolcats will combine dramatic, never-before-seen footage of big African cats with information that will appeal to Internet-age sensibilities. This is ‘I can has cheeseburger’ pumped up to the level of ‘Iz can chase down, killz, an devower antelopeburger.’ Jim Carrey is all set to narrate. We have one of Siegfried and Roy’s white tigers set to play Ceiling Cat, and a team in Latin America is attempting to get footage of Basement Panther.”

The big problem for the third film has to do with great white sharks eating seals. “They were a big hit in the first two films, but we’re having trouble finding somewhere in the Africa savanna to film them for the third.”

A Jones for Music

Tuesday, May 4th, 2010

This week’s performer at the Epcot “Flower Power” concert series is Davy Jones. As in previous years, Guest Services has brought on extra staff to handle the inrush of misinformed and disappointed Pirates of the Caribbean fans.

What’s in the river?

Monday, May 3rd, 2010

There has been much talk of interesting things that were found when Disneyland’s Rivers of America were drained a few months ago for maintenance. Here, according to indisputable anonymous sources that we have neither met nor corresponded with, is a partial list of interesting things dredged up from the river bottom:

  • Mud in assorted colors and flavors
  • What remains of the Mark Twain Mark I, which sank on Disneyland’s opening day
  • A bowling ball from the Haunted Mansion’s former subterranean bowling alley
  • Indisputable proof that it was indeed a mischievous young Kurt Russell who set the settler’s cabin on fire (his parents have been notified)
  • A coelacanth
  • A duck with a snorkel
  • Some 1.4 million cellphones, watches, wallets, and purses (these have been moved to the lost an found department where they can be claimed by their original owners — first come, first served)
  • Enough loose change to finance the DCA renovation
  • A crocodile with a banjo (possibly escaped from Splash Mountain)
  • The remains of various union representatives
  • Leeches. Barrels and barrels of leeches.

Refilling the river

Monday, May 3rd, 2010

After four months of refurbishment — during which the canoe’s tracks were straightened and the riverbed was sifted for stray wallets — Disneyland’s Rivers of America is once again being filled. According to one random person nearby who happened to be wearing an official-looking hat, it’s a more difficult process than you might imaging.

“The actual filling with water isn’t that difficult,” said the person, who looked kind of like an engineer, “it’s just a matter of organizing a couple of bucket brigades to bring water from Pirates and Splash and dump it in the river. What is difficult to manage is the ducks. Every single duck — and there are hundreds of them — has to be individually raised on jacks as the river’s level rises or the poor things would drown. But the ducks are an important part of the river. If it weren’t for them, the river wouldn’t have the thick, green color that gives it its realistic appearance and helps hide the tracks, Fantasmic! gear, and cast-member beer stashes.”