Mighty Missing Power Rangers

Today, via secret undistributed shadow press release, the Walt Disney Company announced that it is selling the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers back to the series’ creator, Haim “Haim Sandwich” Saban.

Although it was difficult to hear Disney Press Correspondent Pinky Powers over the cheers of the Disney faithful, she was able to reveal details of the sale. “Disney is in no way regretful for accidentally purchasing the Power Rangers while paying far too much for the Fox Family Channel,” said Powers. “The Rangers are the embodiment of such Disney-approved qualities as equality amongst people of outfits of all colors, and good, clean violence toward giant monsters. In the spirit of helping the Rangers make a smooth transition back to their original family, this morning Disney paid Haim Saban $126 million for his agreement to reacquire the characters, and the Power Rangers were escorted out of Disney’s Hollywood Studios to be debriefed and have their annual passes canceled.”

Although it might sound at first sight like this was an amicable breakup, we could feel that the story stunk of cover-up, leaving a bad taste in our mouth. After the press conference, we confronted Pinky Powers with our suspicions, and she revealed the truth on the condition that we neither use her name nor mention that we got the story from her.

“The real story is that Disney had become completely disenchanted with the Power Rangers,” said Powers. “At first there was this excitement about adding the Rangers to the stable of heroes Disney recently acquired from Marvel. The idea was that there was to be this big reality-style television show with a ‘last hero standing’ kind of theme. A Power Ranger would battle a Marvel hero, with the winner remaining to fight the next opponent until everyone on one team had been beaten. On the first day of taping, the Pink Ranger was set to fight Wasp from the Avengers — kind of a ‘girl fight’ to get the thing going. Pink lasted like three minutes, then Wasp took out Blue in about another five. She took on Green, Yellow, and Red all at once after that, but it was no contest. Wasp was the last hero standing and all the Rangers were crying into their helmets not half an hour before the thing started. Talk about embarrassing! The Hulk, Iron Man, Spider-Man — why couldn’t it have been one of them? At least then it would make more sense. But Wasp? And not just Wasp, but Wasp played by Olivia Munn? Disney couldn’t run from that PR train wreck fast enough.”

All Power Rangers merchandise has been removed from Disney stores, being temporarily replaced by far more profitable empty space.

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