Archive for February, 2010

Electrical Parade on the move!

Thursday, February 11th, 2010

Disney has announced that this summer the Main Street Electrical Parade will be moving from Disney’s California Adventure to Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom. DCA mega-fans (both of them) were very upset to hear this news. “That parade’s a California tradition,” said Paris Dicepeer, a Disney annual passholder that visits DCA so often that she has twice been arrested for stalking. “It started in California, so it should stay in California, even if it’s in a different park in California, don’t take the parade from its home!” (She might have said more, but at that point burst into tears, drenching her churro.)

Why is the parade moving? Few will be surprised that the root cause is cost. Said Press Contact, Disneyland Press Relations press contact for the press, “Last year Disney teamed with Sylvania to completely rework and upgrade the electrical parade. Together, we spent more than 1.5 billion dollars replacing all the light bulbs with tiny curlicue energy-efficient bulbs and installing motion sensors so that parade floats would go dark when nobody is in the room. After all that, we didn’t have budget left to upgrade the electrical connectivity system, which has an old two-prong wall plug. The only facility Disney has with a two-prong plug is in an old warehouse in Florida’s Magic Kingdom, so with the budget being so tight our only options are move the parade to Florida to be closer to its power source, or spend another summer babysitting an enormous extension cord.”

Budget has also been cited as the explanation for why Tokyo DisneySea’s new Fantasmic! show will share a cast with Disneyland’s Fantasmic! Said one very tired looking manager, “With the difference in time zones, it’s really not that big a deal.”

DisneyLies Official Best & Worst: Disneyland’s Critter Country

Wednesday, February 10th, 2010

Best

  • The Country Bear Jamboree: When you stand still and listen close, you can almost hear them playing in the distance.
  • Shopping: Because it’s funny to tell people you’re “Going to the Pooh store.”
  • Davy Crockett’s Explorer Canoes: They’re not on a track, so with a large group and a little planning, you can go rogue and paddle all the way to the castle moat.

Worst

  • The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh
  • The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh
  • THE MANY ADVENTURES OF WINNIE THE POOH!!

DisneyLies Official Best & Worst: Disneyland’s New Orleans Square

Monday, February 8th, 2010

Best

  • Haunted Mansion: The best attraction in all of Disneyland for 5/6 of the year.
  • Haunted Mansion Holiday: The best attraction in all of Disneyland for 1/6 of the year.
  • Pirates of the Caribbean: Okay, this one’s pretty good, too. It’d be better with some ghosts, though.

Worst

  • Ducks: You finally get your toddler to notice the ducks, and some cast member asks you not to throw bread to them (the ducks, not the cast members).
  • Blue Bayou Restaurant: You wait an hour for a table by the water, and then they won’t let you throw rolls at the boats.
  • Club 33: You wait for years to get membership, spend thousands of dollars to get in, and then there’s an extra charge for throwing rolls at the guests below.
  • Fantasmic!: You have to sit on the ground for three hours to get a good spot, and then when the show finally starts some idiot up on a balcony throws a roll at the back of your head.

DisneyLies Official Best & Worst: Disneyland’s Fantasyland

Sunday, February 7th, 2010

Best

  • Storybook Land Canal Boats: One of the few places where you can ride a boat through a hollow, mutilated whale.
  • Mad Tea Party: Go on it just after eating (as recommended in the best-selling The Disneyland Diet).
  • Dumbo the Flying Elephant: Remember the motto — “If you’re under eight, it’s worth the wait!”

Worst

  • “it’s a small world”: It’s almost impossible to write the name of this attraction and get both the capitalization and punctuation correct. Don’t even get us started on trying to spell Pinocchio.
  • “it’s a small world”: All those kids are horrible examples for today’s children. Always playing; never in school — seriously, where are their parents?
  • “it’s a small world”: The song. The horrible, horrible song. Rumor has it that its author was inspired by a fit of madness induced by repeated readings of Poe’s poem “The Bells.”

That’s what she said

Friday, February 5th, 2010

And now,  for your entertainment, a list of Disney quotes that sound like the setup for “That’s what she said” jokes:

  • What do you want me to do, dress in drag and do the hula? (The Lion King)
  • Look for the bare necessities. (The Jungle Book)
  • You’re not getting cold fins now, are you? (The Little Mermaid)
  • It’s all costumes and makeup. (High School Musical)
  • No. No, you can’t. Stop! Please don’t go away! Please? No one’s ever stuck with me for so long before! (Finding Nemo)
  • Oh, it’s not the first time I was tossed out of a window, and it won’t be the last. (The Emperor’s New Groove)
  • We dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry on, we go home happy. What do you say? Come on. (Hercules)
  • You are a sad, strange little man. (Toy Story)
  • Use the wand of power! (Toy Story 2)
  • We keep our transesophageal ganglia to ourselves. This means you, Jimmy. (Finding Nemo)
  • Somebody! Stop those pants! (Ducktales: the Movie)
  • What you need is a little advice from the love monkey. (Dinosaur)
  • Things will look better in the morning. (The Jungle Book)
  • I will call you squishy and you will be my squishy. (Finding Nemo)

Got suggestions for more? Leave them in the comments!

Up Over South America

Thursday, February 4th, 2010

If you’re a big fan of Soarin’ Over California, you’d better make plans to get to DCA before it’s gone forever! Disney announced today that Soc (as fans of footwear like to call it) will be closed in early 2011 to be replaced by an entirely new attraction, Up Over South America.

In the new attraction, guests — after receiving safety instructions from a talking dog — will enter a “house” in which are rows of what appear to be overstuffed chairs. Once they’ve buckled themselves in, enormous “balloons” will appear over the house, and the rows of chairs will be lifted into the air where a gigantic IMAX-size screen will play a film that, when combined with special motion-control apparatus hidden within the balloons, will make guests feel that they are being gently lifted (as in the Pixar short of the same name). In their chairs, guests will feel like they are flying out of town, through a storm (with real rain and lightning!), and to a vast South-American plateau where they will see exotic friendly birds, be attacked by an addled puppy-loving nut in a dirigible, and meet an old man who is hopelessly preoccupied by some dead lady.

Says DCA spokesperson Wendy Illusory (on condition of our pretending that she really exists), “This will be a gentle ride, suitable for the whole family aside from those with fears of heights, balloons, furniture, and dogs. Up Over South America will be like nothing that has ever been in a Disney park before! Well, except for Soarin’, but we’re taking that out. Seriously, we need to get more Pixar stuff in here quick before people stop coming to the park altogether. We’re not talking about the Brother Bear and the Bow play area yet, though, so don’t even mention it until after that movie comes out, okay? Same goes for the John Carter Warlord of Marzipan candy store overlay.”

DisneyLies Official Best & Worst: Disneyland’s Adventureland

Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010

Best

  • Enchanted Tiki Room: It’s got pineapple snacks for sale, a floor show, a bathroom, and its own weather. Why would you ever need to leave?
  • Bengal Barbecue: Try the tender, juicy, Tiki Bird Stick.
  • Indiana Jones Adventure: An awesome ride for people who have absolutely no pre-existing medical conditions whatsoever.
  • Restrooms: There are three restrooms within 40 feet of each other. It’s like Christmas!
  • Jungle Cruise: You can imagine the spiel over and over in your head and never get sick of those silly jokes!

Worst

  • Jungle Cruise: I’ve got the spiel stuck in my head and feel like if I hear about the back side of water one more time I might flip out and take a skipper’s life (if I can just catch him without that hippo gun).
  • Tree with a little man living in it: I’ve looked and looked and can’t find the darned thing anywhere.
  • Tarzan’s Treehouse: Why isn’t he ever home? And what did he do with the Robinsons??

Happy Groundhog Day!

Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010

Happy Groundhog Day from the entire DisneyLies blog staff! Remember, if Pooh comes out of Rabbit’s house and sees his shadow, it’s six more weeks of 2fer tickets at Disneyland!

Nemo’s nemesis?

Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010

In response to an announcement on the Disney and More blog about a new, highly detailed 20,000 Leagues Beneath the Sea model of the Nautilus, famed cephalopod promoter and occasional blogger “P. Z.” Myers has (according to a post on the always reliable “Myers is a Godless Heathen” discussion forum) issued an ultimatum to the model’s creators.

Says Myers (badly quoted from a hostile source):

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea is the epitome of anti-tentacled-sea-creature propaganda. The death of a glorious giant squid is played for thrills instead of tragedy. It is such an affront to all that is decent that I can’t see how a benevolent God could possibly allow such a thing to exist. Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s an Internet poll about Ceiling Cat that I have to destroy.

Personally, we at DisneyLies.com love 20,000 Leagues Below the Sea and welcome this new model (which comes complete with working ram plate — for use against imperialistic remote-control boats — and a hint of Captain Nemo’s hidden angst), but are disappointed that its perfectly detailed pipe organ was removed for use in the company’s Haunted Mansion model.

The Princess and the Frog

Monday, February 1st, 2010

We wanted to get a Princess and the Frog lies page up some time before the thing was out on DVD, so here it is!

DisneyLies.com: The Princess and the Frog

Beware, it’s full of spoilers that will completely ruin the film for those of you who foolishly haven’t seen it! After you read it, be sure to leave your comments in the comments.