Disney Lies

Best

• Star Tours: It’s so much better since they switched it from Star Wars to Captain EO!
• The Great Movie Ride: The new Inglourious Basterds “they’re hiding in the cellar” scene is intense!
• Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster: The “spin the dial” feature is brilliant! Now you never know what band you’re going to be riding with — could be Aerosmith, could be Lady Gaga, could be Kenny Rogers, could be Neil Simon. Why can’t they randomize the Tower of Terror like this?

Worst

• Sci-Fi Dine-In restaurant: Some of the movies have been edited to make them somewhat shorter. Also, those aren’t real cars.
• Closing of Sounds Dangerous with Drew Carey: Why’d they have to take it out? Why? WHY??
• Power Rangers Power Lunch: Personally, I like to be able to see my waiter’s face.

Best

• The name: It’s no longer named EPCOT, which saves a lot of ware on the shift key.
• International Flower and Garden Festival: Far superior to the International Poultry and Cattle Festival.
• Dubai pavilion: It may be the smallest of the World Showcase pavilions, but it cost a reported $100 billion to build.

Worst

• Mexico Pavilion Water Bar: Ack!
• O Canada! single rider line: Possibly the slowest attraction queue ever. They really shouldn’t show this film to just one person at a time.
• Test Track: It’s left us with bruises every time since they added the air bags.

Best

• Spontaneous entertainment: It’s fabulous to see a group of people break into a stirring rendition of “The Trolley Song” and then wonder if they are cast members or not.
• Mickey’s PhilharMagic: Far better than the old Phil’s MickeyharMagic.
• Cosmic Ray’s Starlight Cafe: A nice place to eat, but somebody should tell Disney that cosmic rays are deadly in large doses.
• Monsters Inc. Laugh Factory: It’s a fun attraction, but the name is sort of long so you’ll generally hear people refer to it as “MILF” (and ladies who laugh uncontrollably during the show are often called MILFs).

Worst

• Haunted Mansion (Under New Management): When they changed the raven to Iago, the whole story line went out the window.
• Jungle Cruise (Under New Management): The “Steamboat Willie” retheming of the boats just doesn’t work (although the peg-legged skippers are fun).
• Hall of Presidents (Under New Management): I don’t even want to talk about it.

Best

• Twilight Zone Tee-Time of Terror Miniature Golf Course.
• Disney’s Animal Kingdom Lodge (Presidential suite with a real tiger by the bed).
• Catching fish in Lake Buena Vista, then releasing them because you don’t dare eat them for fear of deadly bacteria.
• Victoria and Albert’s: Victoria and Albert are this great couple who have a condo near Disney World that they rent to tourists. Reasonable rates!

Worst

• The Tom Petty Driving Experience.
• Blizzard Beach freezing cold swim park.
• The $100 “two snacks a day and absolutely nothing else” meal plan.

Best

• The restrooms: Some of DCA’s restrooms are larger than some of Disneyland’s attractions.
• Grizzly River Run: The water really does smell like grizzly!
• Toy Story Midway Mania: Get extra points by throwing rings around the people in the next car!
• Maliboomer: According to legend, if you let go of a penny just as you reach the top, you can hit Mickey’s Fun Wheel. (But if you don’t, you could kill someone. Maybe this isn’t a good idea?)
• Little Mermaid dark ride: It’s not open yet, and it’s still better than 95% of what the park had when it opened.

Worst

• Monsters, Inc. Mike & Sulley to the Rescue!: After all these years, it still gives us horrible Superstar Limo flashbacks.
• Mulholland Madness: It really doesn’t make you all that mad.
• Twilight Zone Tower of Terror: Despite having tried every year for almost a decade, we’ve never been able to get a room here.

Best

• Pirate’s Lair on Tom Sawyer Island: Listen for tourists calling it “Tom Sawyer’s Island” and make fun of them. Then find some smug annual passholders and try to convince them it’s properly called “Pirate Lair”.
• Big Thunder Ranch: Because it’s the only place in Disneyland named for a salad dressing.
• Sailing Ship Columbia: Go below decks and make yourself a snack in the working galley!

Worst

• Billy Hill and the Hillbillies: Sure they play music well, but we’re very, very skeptical about them all being named William.
• The wooden Indian: He looks suspiciously identical to the one on Main Street. Don’t trust him.
• Hoofprints: Some moron let a horse walk all over the cement before it was completely dry. Talk about inattention to detail!
• Frontier Land Shootin’ Exposition: “Our guns shoot straight” my eye. And they’ve got that tube attached, so you can’t take them off and terrorize your little brother.

Best

• Finding Nemo Submarine Voyage: It’s like being sealed up in a cramped tube of fun!
• Innoventions: How’d they get all this stuff from the future?
• “Honey, I shrunk the Audience”: Just to be clear, what’s best about this is that it’s closed.

Worst

• Autopia: If I wanted to drive this slow, I’d get back on the freeway.
• Buzz Lightyear Astro Blasters: Why can’t you shoot the little green guys? They’re creepy!
• Plants: All the plants in Tomorrowland are supposed to be edible, but they get all huffy if you eat them.
• Audio dissonance: Tom Morrow sounds like Max Bialystock; the Star Tours pilot sounds like Pee Wee Herman; and Buzz Lightyear sounds like Santa Claus. It’s confusing as heck.