Archive for January, 2010

Two Skippers

Tuesday, January 19th, 2010

In celebration of the return of Mr. Lincoln to Disneyland, our friends at Edison Square have added their version of the infamous “Two Brothers” song to their set of late. Here are the lyrics, for those of you who want to sing along at home (or in a queue!)

Two Skippers

Two skippers on their way,
Two skippers on their way,
Two skippers on their way,
Every boat was crammed that day.

Every boat was crammed that day,
The queue upstairs went all the way,
To where there’s robot snakes at play,
All on a Jungle Cruise morning.

One was funny, one was not,
One was funny, one was not,
I had a 50-50 shot,
Guess which one’s the one I got.

Every joke felt old and stale,
The whole thing was a major fail,
If groans were crimes he’d rot in jail,
All on a Jungle Cruise morning.

All on a Jungle Cruise morning.

Disneyland closed early today

Monday, January 18th, 2010

Due to heavy rains, Disneyland closed three hours early today. Said parks spokes animal Hetta Moocow, “This is California — we really hadn’t prepared for weather like this. And in retrospect, saving a few dollars by making the new monorail out of spun sugar instead of fiberglass may have been a mistake.”

Disneyland imagineering updates

Monday, January 18th, 2010

Our spies deep within Disney imagineering have, at great risk to life and limb, brought us a pair of exciting updates on issues of interest to all Disneyland fans!

First, many of you are likely aware of the online petition to transform Pirate’s Lair on Tom Sawyer Island into The Lost Experience on Tom Sawyer Island. According to our source: “There is no way that Disney would turn such an iconic piece of real estate into a tribute to an ABC show, even one that is so beloved. Walt Disney himself did that, by opening an entire park based on his Disneyland TV show on ABC, and we don’t dare try and duplicate his incredible success for fear of jinxing ourselves.”

This means that you can also forget about that Scrubs Tower of Terror petition.

Second, last, and foremost, new details have been uncovered regarding Star Tours II, which will begin construction later this year! The completely reworked new attraction will feature something that fans have been clamoring for — multiple possible outcomes! The new story will involve a Star Tours flight 815, an inter-planet transport that breaks apart during a routine flight, crash landing on a deserted tropical planet more than 1,000 light years off their course so there is no chance of rescue. All appears peaceful at first, but then strange noises are heard from deep within the foliage. Will the crash survivors survive???

From there, many possible endings are, um, possible, including those involving such exciting elements as a strange smoke monster, an out-of-place-seeming ravenous polar bear, a rebel scout who has been trapped on the island for 16 years, cryptic flashbacks, and strange ewok-like natives referred to only as “the others”. “Originally,” said our secret inside source, “the idea was that guests would be on a three-hour Star Tour and crash on a desert island where there would be wacky adventures involving the captain and his bumbling first mate, a rich couple that had brought all their money with them in a big trunk, a holo-movie star, and the rest, but the idea just evolved from there.”

We can’t wait to see the finished product!

100 Things Mickey Mouse Must Never Say

Friday, January 15th, 2010

Direct from the Walt Disney Corporation Secret Archives, deep within the Burbank Atomic Survival Bunker, here is the official list of 100 Things Mickey Mouse Must Never Say:

  1. Hand-drawn animation is dead.
  2. What kind of animal is Goofy anyway?
  3. Can you direct me to the nude beach?
  4. Don’t waste your time in college, kid. Walt never went to college, and he was rich!
  5. I’ll have what she’s having.
  6. Prison changes a mouse.
  7. Gay marriage? I don’t have a problem with that.
  8. Here, let me give you the access code to the secret tunnels under Disneyland.
  9. Here, let me tell you how to save money on park admission.
  10. Here, let me help you smuggle that heroin.
  11. That’s a lovely blouse. May I try it on?
  12. Watch while I turn my head back and forth. My ears are physically impossible, aren’t they?
  13. Sobriety and seatbelts are for sissies.
  14. It’s okay — you can forget about the royalties.
  15. I’ve always secretly had a thing for Clarabelle.
  16. I just adore Oscar Wilde.
  17. It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye.
  18. Hey look! Someone’s eye!
  19. Better to beg forgiveness than ask permission.
  20. A dream is a wish your heart makes when you can’t handle reality.
  21. Unfortunately, Minnie’s cooking makes me sick.
  22. Unfortunately, Space Mountain makes me sick.
  23. Unfortunately, Miley Cyrus makes me sick.
  24. There once was a man from Nantucket…
  25. Stalking’s really more of a compliment than a crime.
  26. Why go to the theater to see a movie when you can just rent it in a few months?
  27. I still have nightmares about making that disco album.
  28. Is it just me, or are the Jungle Cruise jokes getting stale?
  29. California Adventure is more of a half-day park.
  30. At first, Eisner was great. But later? Hitler.
  31. Don’t believe everything you see in TV commercials.
  32. Instead of watching videos, why not go outside and play?
  33. Am I the only one who’s sick of princesses?
  34. It wasn’t me; it was Pluto.
  35. Minnie’s cute, but she’s no Annette Funicello.
  36. So, you doing anything after the cartoon?
  37. One ticket for Brokeback Mountain, please.
  38. Acting’s great, but what I really want to do is direct.
  39. Acting’s great, but what I really want to do is retire.
  40. Acting’s great, but what I really want to do is punch Donald right in the beak.
  41. Would you be shocked if I put on something more comfortable?
  42. You talkin’ to me?
  43. Go ahead — make my day.
  44. I love the smell of napalm in the morning!
  45. I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!
  46. You can’t handle the truth!
  47. You can’t fight in here! This is the War Room!
  48. Frankly, Minnie, I don’t give a damn.
  49. Churros are people!
  50. I still regret not reading for Sparticus.
  51. For quality and price, you can’t beat Amway.
  52. Can I interest you in an issue of The Watchtower?
  53. People who speak after inhaling helium sound really annoying.
  54. How the heck did Pete grow his leg back?
  55. Anyone mind if I give John Lasseter a big, wet kiss right on the lips? Please?
  56. My favorite movie? Scarface.
  57. My favorite movie? Willard.
  58. My favorite movie? Shrek.
  59. I’m pretty much just in it for the money.
  60. You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, gloved hands.
  61. Toga! Toga!
  62. Attica! Attica!
  63. I prefer “mouse-American”
  64. I have such a hangover.
  65. I always vote Libertairan.
  66. My animator doesn’t understand me.
  67. Would you like fries with that?
  68. “bogart”
  69. “dude”
  70. “skanky”
  71. “hottubbing”
  72. “anatomically correct”
  73. “Dreamworks”
  74. “public domain”
  75. “file sharing”
  76. “unionize”
  77. Like George Carlin would say…
  78. Mary Poppins, Tinkerbell — women who fly shouldn’t wear dresses.
  79. Scientology has changed my life.
  80. He says they’re his nephews, but they sure look a lot like him.
  81. That dress makes Minnie look kind of hot.
  82. That dress makes Daisy look kind of hot.
  83. That dress makes Goofy look kind of hot.
  84. Workers of the world, unite!
  85. You’re here to enjoy yourself, not to spend money.
  86. Remember kids, try everything you see in cartoons at home!
  87. Hi, Bambi! How’s the family?
  88. They replaced the Country Bears with what???
  89. Even with my toes I can only count to 16.
  90. Sure, you can paint a picture of me on the wall of your business if you like.
  91. Criticize Uncle Walt one more time and I’ll rip out your intestines with my bare hands.
  92. What’s wrong with selling out?
  93. While you’re in town, don’t forget to visit Knotts Berry Farm.
  94. Got a light?
  95. I’m getting too old for this.
  96. Pluto! Kill!
  97. Minnie, will you marry me?
  98. Do these shorts make me look fat?
  99. You know I’m just some guy in a suit — right, kid?
  100. No autographs.

100 uses for an old churro

Monday, January 11th, 2010

In no particular order:

  1. Scratch a hard-to-reach place on your back
  2. Have a friend hold it in their lips, then cut it in half with a whip
  3. Use it as a tiny cane
  4. Strap it to your chest and see what airport security has to say
  5. Jokingly hold it under your nose as a cinnamon-flavored mustache
  6. Shred it for use as hamster bedding
  7. Use it as a handy holder for a stack of donuts
  8. Toss it into a hurricane and see if it will go straight through a tree
  9. Coat it in poison and put it at the bottom of a pit trap
  10. Make a lamp out of it
  11. Sniff it while on Soarin’ Over California to experience the lovely cinnamon-orange scent
  12. Prop up a box to make a trap to catch cute little bunny rabbits
  13. Conduct a symphony
  14. Poke an attacking shark in the eye
  15. Hold open the eyes of a giant that deserves the Clockwork Orange treatment
  16. Wrap it in foil and reenact the “cucumber” scene from Spinal Tap
  17. Participate in Jedi training
  18. Throw it at a clown who’s out of pies
  19. At the Pacific Wharf Cafe, ask, “Can you skip the bread bowl and just put my soup in this?”
  20. Bend it; throw it; catch it when it comes back
  21. Paint it; light it; join a candle-light procession
  22. Plant it and hope it grows into a delicious tree
  23. Bake it inside a cake so that it can more easily be smuggled into prison
  24. Use it as a peg leg on your life-size gingerbread pirate ship model
  25. Bring it to guest services and see if you can trade it for a turkey leg
  26. Replace a missing Lego technic rod
  27. Drop it in a bottle of diet Coke and see if it explodes
  28. Replace the broken dowel on a hand-made towel rack
  29. Use it as a last-minute substitute rolling pin
  30. Show off your strength by using it as a bat to break a table leg
  31. Brace a broken table leg
  32. In Innoventions, pretend that it’s the new cordless Rock Band microphone
  33. Use it (and your fingers) to count to 11
  34. Bury it for the entertainment of future archaeologists
  35. Hollow it out and use it as a glass for long, tall drinks
  36. Attach your “trader” pins to it
  37. Try to convince folks that it’s Oswald the Lucky Rabbit’s famous pal, Mr. Stick
  38. Paddle an Explorer Canoe
  39. Use it to measure a tower in “churro units”
  40. Contribute to the filling of a local landfill
  41. Hang it from a string next to the door as a handy sugar lick
  42. Mail it to the Smithsonian so it can be preserved for the enjoyment of future generations
  43. Test a very large car’s oil level
  44. Send it to scientists for detailed chemical analysis and/or carbon dating
  45. Keep it as a souvenir of the time that you bought so many churros that you couldn’t even eat one more without becoming seriously ill
  46. Keep it as a souvenir of the time you couldn’t eat even one churro without becoming seriously ill
  47. Give it to Billy Hill to use as a spare bow
  48. Slice it into disks and play tidily winks
  49. Run it over with a steamroller so that you have the longest, flattest, old churro in the world
  50. Replace Jafar’s staff and see if he notices
  51. Replace the wicked queen’s cauldron stirrer and see if she notices
  52. Replace Michael Eisner and see if anyone notices
  53. Whittle a chain out of it
  54. Feed a soon-to-be-malnourished pet
  55. Go on Autopia and pretend it’s a gear shift
  56. Pole vault a very low fence
  57. Throw it on the floor of a restaurant and see who can name all the health codes you’ve just broken
  58. Give it a cute name, put a dress on it, and tell everyone that it’s your new best friend who will never betray you by telling things that you had made it swear it would never tell on pain of death (unlike some people that you could mention)
  59. Put cotton candy on the ends to make a delicious giant Q-Tip
  60. Prop open a lion’s mouth so it can’t bite you
  61. Tell a jolly joke about how it looks so much like a stick that it must be “sticky.” (Repeat until parents and/or friends beg for mercy)
  62. Hold it at arms length and run around on the PeopleMover track (since there’s nothing else going on up there)
  63. Take it on the Tower of Terror, let it go, and watch it hover mysteriously in the air for a split second
  64. Bar a castle door so invaders can’t get in
  65. Sell it on eBay and retire with all the money you make
  66. Bring it to a local school as an educational example of rotational symmetry
  67. Use it as a replacement PDA stylus
  68. On the Disneyland Railroad, throw it to the t-rex and yell “Fetch!”
  69. Practice sword swallowing
  70. Rub two of them together to start a fire
  71. Ask those Mythbusters guys to blow it up
  72. Twist it into a pretzel (for the irony)
  73. Barter for an old chimichanga
  74. Wait until it dies, then see if you can get it a position as Happy Haunt #1,000
  75. Take it on Space Mountain to see what a churro in space would look like
  76. Travel to Denmark and plug a hole in a dike so that the little Dutch boy can take a break
  77. Try to lose it, then scream in horror as it somehow manages to find its way back to you again and again
  78. Surgically replace a shattered bone
  79. Kill a vampire
  80. Find a notorious gangster who is attempting to get away from the police and throw it through the spokes of his bicycle
  81. Burn it to ashes; spread the ashes in the Haunted Mansion
  82. Put it in a safety deposit box as a legacy for your descendants
  83. Sharpen one end and give it to Mickey to sign autographs with
  84. Play “Rock, Paper, Churro”
  85. Make an emergency replacement flute
  86. Attach a heating element and electrical cord, wait until November, then give it to Rapunzel
  87. Do your famous “Pinocchio” imitation
  88. After a performance of “Two Brothers,” tell people you’re not crying, you’ve just got a bit of this old churro in your eye
  89. Throw it in Splash Mountain to see if it will float
  90. Try to bribe a guard who’s throwing you out of the park
  91. Go on the Mission Tortilla tour, wrap it in a freshly made tortilla, and enjoy a tasty churrito
  92. Take it with you into the Disney Animation building to find out what Disney character it is most like
  93. Go to first aid and tell them you’re sick; when they ask you to open your mouth and say “Aaah,” tell them you brought your own tongue depressor
  94. Use it (and thousands like it) to build the world’s biggest “ship made out of toothpicks”
  95. Put it in the Large Hadron Collider and accelerate it to near the speed of light so that its mass increases 7,000 fold and it’s large enough to feed everyone in South America
  96. See if it can be brought back to life with electrodes and lightning
  97. Take it to the streets of San Francisco and club a mime into submission
  98. Rub it for good luck
  99. Stare at it until it boggles your mind
  100. Just eat it anyway

The return of half of Captain EO!

Friday, January 8th, 2010

Hurry! We’ve just learned that the conversion of Honey, I Shrunk the Audience into Captain EO has been suspended for a few days (due to a union-required rest period), so for a limited time guests can visit the semi-converted theater and enjoy Honey, I Shrunk the EO! Run! Seats are limited!

(And for those of you who didn’t know that Captain EO is returning, please be aware that is unilaterally taking 93% of the credit for giving Disney the idea, and we expect nothing more than your eternal adoration and gratitude.)

Clean the water!

Thursday, January 7th, 2010

In response to guest complaints, DCA will make an effort to feature more water in its central lake. “We’d been using the area for storage of equipment, pipes, and stuff like that,” said some random guy in a hard hat. “Honestly, we didn’t think guests would even notice as they ran to Midway Mania.”

But guests did notice, and DCA promises to clean up its act. Now if they can just locate the old Golden Dreams building (which was misplaced some time in the late 2009), things can start getting back to normal.

Getting an annual pass is getting easier!

Wednesday, January 6th, 2010

Disney’s California Adventure has opened an annual-pass processing center in the location of the old Superstar Limo garage in the Hollywood Backlot area, to help take some of the pressure off of Gerty — the woman who processes annual passes at the Plaza Pavilion in Disneyland. Said a Disneyland spokesperson on condition of remaining imaginary, “Gerty has been processing these things all by herself for some 30 years, and we thought it would be more respectful to build another processing center than to risk insulting her by hiring another cast member.”

In addition, the new stroller-rental facility will feature an annual-pass processing center when it opens a little later this month, and pass processing will be added in additional under-used park locations, such as DCA’s “San Francisco” area and Disneyland’s Pooh attraction.

Rivers Refurb

Tuesday, January 5th, 2010

If you’ve visited Disneyland recently (today, for example), you may have noticed that the Rivers of America is currently hidden from prying eyes by a gigantic, electrified construction wall, the likes of which would have made Hadrian drool. What you might not know, though, is that the wall is there to hide significant work being done on what many consider to be the dampest part of the park.

Improvements to the River area that will be carried out over the next few weeks include:

  • Adding additional animatronic animals (mostly ducks).
  • Raising Tom Sawyer island 3.2 inches to help counter the effects of erosion.
  • Gathering particularly thick slime from the river bottom. (This will be weaponized and shipped to Afghanistan.)
  • Converting the Mark Twain from diesel to hybrid power. The gorgeous paddle wheeler will be able to run on batteries when cruising, and switch to its diesel engines only when the batteries need to recharge or when passing or accelerating to freeway speeds.

By the way, the Princess and the Frog show will continue multiple daily performances during the refurb, despite cast members complaining that without the boat they have to stand in the mud.

Going wild!

Tuesday, January 5th, 2010

Reports are in that new “Go wild in both parks” banners have been unveiled in Downtown Disney, and speculation is running rampant about what they might mean. Current theories include:

  • Introduction of roaming wild animals into the Disneyland Resort
  • An extreme expansion of the Jungle Cruise
  • Something to do with Joseph R. Francis buying tons of Disney stock in after-hours trading last weekend

If you’ve got a theory, we want to hear it!