Disney Lies

In no particular order:

1. Scratch a hard-to-reach place on your back
2. Have a friend hold it in their lips, then cut it in half with a whip
3. Use it as a tiny cane
4. Strap it to your chest and see what airport security has to say
5. Jokingly hold it under your nose as a cinnamon-flavored mustache
6. Shred it for use as hamster bedding
7. Use it as a handy holder for a stack of donuts
8. Toss it into a hurricane and see if it will go straight through a tree
9. Coat it in poison and put it at the bottom of a pit trap
10. Make a lamp out of it
11. Sniff it while on Soarin’ Over California to experience the lovely cinnamon-orange scent
12. Prop up a box to make a trap to catch cute little bunny rabbits
13. Conduct a symphony
14. Poke an attacking shark in the eye
15. Hold open the eyes of a giant that deserves the Clockwork Orange treatment
16. Wrap it in foil and reenact the “cucumber” scene from Spinal Tap
17. Participate in Jedi training
18. Throw it at a clown who’s out of pies
19. At the Pacific Wharf Cafe, ask, “Can you skip the bread bowl and just put my soup in this?”
20. Bend it; throw it; catch it when it comes back
21. Paint it; light it; join a candle-light procession
22. Plant it and hope it grows into a delicious tree
23. Bake it inside a cake so that it can more easily be smuggled into prison
24. Use it as a peg leg on your life-size gingerbread pirate ship model
25. Bring it to guest services and see if you can trade it for a turkey leg
26. Replace a missing Lego technic rod
27. Drop it in a bottle of diet Coke and see if it explodes
28. Replace the broken dowel on a hand-made towel rack
29. Use it as a last-minute substitute rolling pin
30. Show off your strength by using it as a bat to break a table leg
31. Brace a broken table leg
32. In Innoventions, pretend that it’s the new cordless Rock Band microphone
33. Use it (and your fingers) to count to 11
34. Bury it for the entertainment of future archaeologists
35. Hollow it out and use it as a glass for long, tall drinks
36. Attach your “trader” pins to it
37. Try to convince folks that it’s Oswald the Lucky Rabbit’s famous pal, Mr. Stick
38. Paddle an Explorer Canoe
39. Use it to measure a tower in “churro units”
40. Contribute to the filling of a local landfill
41. Hang it from a string next to the door as a handy sugar lick
42. Mail it to the Smithsonian so it can be preserved for the enjoyment of future generations
43. Test a very large car’s oil level
44. Send it to scientists for detailed chemical analysis and/or carbon dating
45. Keep it as a souvenir of the time that you bought so many churros that you couldn’t even eat one more without becoming seriously ill
46. Keep it as a souvenir of the time you couldn’t eat even one churro without becoming seriously ill
47. Give it to Billy Hill to use as a spare bow
48. Slice it into disks and play tidily winks
49. Run it over with a steamroller so that you have the longest, flattest, old churro in the world
50. Replace Jafar’s staff and see if he notices
51. Replace the wicked queen’s cauldron stirrer and see if she notices
52. Replace Michael Eisner and see if anyone notices
53. Whittle a chain out of it
54. Feed a soon-to-be-malnourished pet
55. Go on Autopia and pretend it’s a gear shift
56. Pole vault a very low fence
57. Throw it on the floor of a restaurant and see who can name all the health codes you’ve just broken
58. Give it a cute name, put a dress on it, and tell everyone that it’s your new best friend who will never betray you by telling things that you had made it swear it would never tell on pain of death (unlike some people that you could mention)
59. Put cotton candy on the ends to make a delicious giant Q-Tip
60. Prop open a lion’s mouth so it can’t bite you
61. Tell a jolly joke about how it looks so much like a stick that it must be “sticky.” (Repeat until parents and/or friends beg for mercy)
62. Hold it at arms length and run around on the PeopleMover track (since there’s nothing else going on up there)
63. Take it on the Tower of Terror, let it go, and watch it hover mysteriously in the air for a split second
64. Bar a castle door so invaders can’t get in
65. Sell it on eBay and retire with all the money you make
66. Bring it to a local school as an educational example of rotational symmetry
67. Use it as a replacement PDA stylus
68. On the Disneyland Railroad, throw it to the t-rex and yell “Fetch!”
69. Practice sword swallowing
70. Rub two of them together to start a fire
71. Ask those Mythbusters guys to blow it up
72. Twist it into a pretzel (for the irony)
73. Barter for an old chimichanga
74. Wait until it dies, then see if you can get it a position as Happy Haunt #1,000
75. Take it on Space Mountain to see what a churro in space would look like
76. Travel to Denmark and plug a hole in a dike so that the little Dutch boy can take a break
77. Try to lose it, then scream in horror as it somehow manages to find its way back to you again and again
78. Surgically replace a shattered bone
79. Kill a vampire
80. Find a notorious gangster who is attempting to get away from the police and throw it through the spokes of his bicycle
81. Burn it to ashes; spread the ashes in the Haunted Mansion
82. Put it in a safety deposit box as a legacy for your descendants
83. Sharpen one end and give it to Mickey to sign autographs with
84. Play “Rock, Paper, Churro”
85. Make an emergency replacement flute
86. Attach a heating element and electrical cord, wait until November, then give it to Rapunzel
87. Do your famous “Pinocchio” imitation
88. After a performance of “Two Brothers,” tell people you’re not crying, you’ve just got a bit of this old churro in your eye
89. Throw it in Splash Mountain to see if it will float
90. Try to bribe a guard who’s throwing you out of the park
91. Go on the Mission Tortilla tour, wrap it in a freshly made tortilla, and enjoy a tasty churrito
92. Take it with you into the Disney Animation building to find out what Disney character it is most like
93. Go to first aid and tell them you’re sick; when they ask you to open your mouth and say “Aaah,” tell them you brought your own tongue depressor
94. Use it (and thousands like it) to build the world’s biggest “ship made out of toothpicks”
95. Put it in the Large Hadron Collider and accelerate it to near the speed of light so that its mass increases 7,000 fold and it’s large enough to feed everyone in South America
96. See if it can be brought back to life with electrodes and lightning
97. Take it to the streets of San Francisco and club a mime into submission
98. Rub it for good luck
99. Stare at it until it boggles your mind
100. Just eat it anyway