100 Things Mickey Mouse Must Never Say

Direct from the Walt Disney Corporation Secret Archives, deep within the Burbank Atomic Survival Bunker, here is the official list of 100 Things Mickey Mouse Must Never Say:

  1. Hand-drawn animation is dead.
  2. What kind of animal is Goofy anyway?
  3. Can you direct me to the nude beach?
  4. Don’t waste your time in college, kid. Walt never went to college, and he was rich!
  5. I’ll have what she’s having.
  6. Prison changes a mouse.
  7. Gay marriage? I don’t have a problem with that.
  8. Here, let me give you the access code to the secret tunnels under Disneyland.
  9. Here, let me tell you how to save money on park admission.
  10. Here, let me help you smuggle that heroin.
  11. That’s a lovely blouse. May I try it on?
  12. Watch while I turn my head back and forth. My ears are physically impossible, aren’t they?
  13. Sobriety and seatbelts are for sissies.
  14. It’s okay — you can forget about the royalties.
  15. I’ve always secretly had a thing for Clarabelle.
  16. I just adore Oscar Wilde.
  17. It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye.
  18. Hey look! Someone’s eye!
  19. Better to beg forgiveness than ask permission.
  20. A dream is a wish your heart makes when you can’t handle reality.
  21. Unfortunately, Minnie’s cooking makes me sick.
  22. Unfortunately, Space Mountain makes me sick.
  23. Unfortunately, Miley Cyrus makes me sick.
  24. There once was a man from Nantucket…
  25. Stalking’s really more of a compliment than a crime.
  26. Why go to the theater to see a movie when you can just rent it in a few months?
  27. I still have nightmares about making that disco album.
  28. Is it just me, or are the Jungle Cruise jokes getting stale?
  29. California Adventure is more of a half-day park.
  30. At first, Eisner was great. But later? Hitler.
  31. Don’t believe everything you see in TV commercials.
  32. Instead of watching videos, why not go outside and play?
  33. Am I the only one who’s sick of princesses?
  34. It wasn’t me; it was Pluto.
  35. Minnie’s cute, but she’s no Annette Funicello.
  36. So, you doing anything after the cartoon?
  37. One ticket for Brokeback Mountain, please.
  38. Acting’s great, but what I really want to do is direct.
  39. Acting’s great, but what I really want to do is retire.
  40. Acting’s great, but what I really want to do is punch Donald right in the beak.
  41. Would you be shocked if I put on something more comfortable?
  42. You talkin’ to me?
  43. Go ahead — make my day.
  44. I love the smell of napalm in the morning!
  45. I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!
  46. You can’t handle the truth!
  47. You can’t fight in here! This is the War Room!
  48. Frankly, Minnie, I don’t give a damn.
  49. Churros are people!
  50. I still regret not reading for Sparticus.
  51. For quality and price, you can’t beat Amway.
  52. Can I interest you in an issue of The Watchtower?
  53. People who speak after inhaling helium sound really annoying.
  54. How the heck did Pete grow his leg back?
  55. Anyone mind if I give John Lasseter a big, wet kiss right on the lips? Please?
  56. My favorite movie? Scarface.
  57. My favorite movie? Willard.
  58. My favorite movie? Shrek.
  59. I’m pretty much just in it for the money.
  60. You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, gloved hands.
  61. Toga! Toga!
  62. Attica! Attica!
  63. I prefer “mouse-American”
  64. I have such a hangover.
  65. I always vote Libertairan.
  66. My animator doesn’t understand me.
  67. Would you like fries with that?
  68. “bogart”
  69. “dude”
  70. “skanky”
  71. “hottubbing”
  72. “anatomically correct”
  73. “Dreamworks”
  74. “public domain”
  75. “file sharing”
  76. “unionize”
  77. Like George Carlin would say…
  78. Mary Poppins, Tinkerbell — women who fly shouldn’t wear dresses.
  79. Scientology has changed my life.
  80. He says they’re his nephews, but they sure look a lot like him.
  81. That dress makes Minnie look kind of hot.
  82. That dress makes Daisy look kind of hot.
  83. That dress makes Goofy look kind of hot.
  84. Workers of the world, unite!
  85. You’re here to enjoy yourself, not to spend money.
  86. Remember kids, try everything you see in cartoons at home!
  87. Hi, Bambi! How’s the family?
  88. They replaced the Country Bears with what???
  89. Even with my toes I can only count to 16.
  90. Sure, you can paint a picture of me on the wall of your business if you like.
  91. Criticize Uncle Walt one more time and I’ll rip out your intestines with my bare hands.
  92. What’s wrong with selling out?
  93. While you’re in town, don’t forget to visit Knotts Berry Farm.
  94. Got a light?
  95. I’m getting too old for this.
  96. Pluto! Kill!
  97. Minnie, will you marry me?
  98. Do these shorts make me look fat?
  99. You know I’m just some guy in a suit — right, kid?
  100. No autographs.

One Response to “100 Things Mickey Mouse Must Never Say”

  1. Jafar says:

    101. Take a picture, it’ll last longer.
    102. Some days I wish I could just gnaw a hole in the wall.
    103. Underwear? Who needs underwear?
    104. I am so hungover!