Archive for January, 2010

DisneyLies Official Best & Worst: Disneyland

Friday, January 29th, 2010


  • Entrance: Enter through the left-hand tunnel and snicker about the ignorant buffoons who chose the right-hand tunnel.
  • Snow: At Christmas time, if you stand in just the right place, you can watch the snow fall and get a shampoo at the same time.
  • Churros: They’re a food group all by themselves.
  • Walk in Walt’s Footsteps Tour: It’s so cool to be able to borrow a pair of Walt Disney’s shoes, even just for a few hours.
  • Cast members: By far the greatest bunch of people who have ever managed to keep a smile on their face while you tell them what some kid just threw up on.


  • Parking: It used to have its own parking lot and you could walk right up to the entrance. Now, if you try and park near the entrance, people freak out and call SWAT.
  • Mickey’s Toontown: There are rumors that those aren’t real mountains.
  • Disneyland Railroad dinosaur diorama: Why the scientifically inaccurate animatronic dinosaurs instead of some of those neat cloned ones from Jurassic Park?
  • Identity theft: The people just inside the entrance who want to scan your ticket and ask for your Zip code are fine, but the ones who want to scan your driver’s license and get you to help their rich uncle get his wealth out of Nigeria make us twitchy.
  • Walt’s apartment: It’s almost as if it’s there just to taunt Disneyland fans who want to say they’ve been everywhere in the park, but know you can’t get to it without the ability to climb a brass poll while carrying a power saw.

DisneyLies Official Best & Worst: Disneyland Resort

Wednesday, January 27th, 2010

Inspired by the MouseStation Podcast (which, we swear, we’re going to start listening to as soon as we can figure out how this whole “Internet” thing works), DisneyLies will be — over the next few weeks — listing its official “Best & Worst” of all things Disney. We welcome comments and suggestions, but know deep in our hearts that our choices are absolutely, positively, objectively correct.

DisneyLies Official Best & Worst: Disneyland Resort


  • Arriving at the resort: Special, exclusive Disneyland Drive exit from the 5 freeway carpool lane and bridge over Ball Road allow you to thumb your nose at folks stuck in traffic or stopped at stoplights while you arrive for your day of fun.
  • Disney’s California Adventure: By far the best California-themed amusement park in southern California.
  • Disneyland: Not enjoying Disneyland is listed in the DSM-IV as a mental disorder (severe).
  • Disneyland Hotel Childcare Club: If you “forget” to pick up your kid, they only charge you a small inconvenience fee (plus postage).
  • Downtown Disney performers: We like the guy who makes balloon animals while breathing fire.


  • Paradise Pier Hotel Finding Nemo Pool: The shark robot and “exploding” mines scare the heck out of little kids, and the lifeguards’ jokes to parents about missing children are as funny as a crutch.
  • The House of Blues: Despite what the advertising would have you believe, there’s actually almost nothing blue here.
  • Downtown Disney Underground: This subterranean venue for nightclubs and restaurants is dead, even on Friday and Saturday nights. It’s like people don’t even know it’s there.

Disneyland quick takes

Tuesday, January 26th, 2010

A few bits of Disneyland flotsam we’ve been meaning to pass along:

  • Tomorrowland’s Starcade is closed so that they can empty the quarters out of all the machines. (It turns out they get really full over the course of a year.)
  • The Jewel of Orleans shop shop in New Orleans Square will be permanently closing mid-April. Apparently last month’s “All-Free Jewelry Day” promotion wasn’t such a great idea after all.
  • Rumor has it that the gorgeous DCA Animation Building lobby may be significantly reworked so that a number of Disney accountants can have the pleasure of metaphorically grabbing a large number of Disneyland fanatics, manacling them to a cold steel table, ripping out their still beating hearts with a pair of sharpened salad tongs, and feeding them to a hoard of half-starved wild pigs. Or, possibly, for budgetary reasons.

New White Rhino!

Monday, January 25th, 2010

Last week, a white rhino was born at Disney’s Animal Kingdom. The rhino weighed 178 pounds, and although this sounds like a lot, the baby rhino is actually significantly smaller than an adult, to the great relief of its mother.

This is the eighth white rhino born at Disney’s Animal Kingdom, and the park is running out of room for the things. “We can’t figure out why the females keep having babies,” said one incompetent animal-care cast member. “The males don’t do it — they’re very well behaved. We’ve asked them for advice, and they asked to be housed with the females to see what could be done, but if anything the problem has gotten worse since we did that. We’re at a complete loss. Next one that comes along goes straight on eBay.”

For your entertainment and education, here are a few white-rhino facts, directly from someone in a safari hat:

  • A white rhino is a gray rhino that was born while its mother was standing too close to a pool or vat of whitewash.
  • There is a famous scene in Tom Sawyer in which Tom tricks a bunch of kids to pay him to let them paint a rhino white.
  • You can’t eat a white rhino. If you try, it’ll kick your butt.
  • Although they are strict vegetarians (for ethical reasons), a white rhino can eat its weight in Volkswagens.
  • There is an urban legend that you can stop a rhino from charging by taking away its credit card. However, if you do that, the rhino will just open a PayPal account and link it to the credit card account.
  • Rhino pianist: terrible. Rhino taiko drummer: awesome!

John Carter of Mars

Saturday, January 23rd, 2010

Filming has begun on the Disney’s John Carter of Mars, based on the Edgar “Rice” Burroughs novel APrincess and a Pea of Mars. Because the original novel was first serialized in 1912, producers felt that it would not necessarily connect with either modern audiences, and there were some concerns about how easy it would be to get a film about a human killing giants multi-armed green guys into theaters with the G rating it needed to draw in family audiences. To help address these concerns, Disney has reportedly made a few changes to the original story. For example:

  • Instead of being a veteran of the U.S. Civil War, the film’s John Carter is a veteran NASCAR driver.
  • The ten-legged, multi-tusked creature — faster than a greyhound and strong enough to rip the chest off a bull ape — that is tasked with guarding Carter will appear in the film, but it will be fuzzy and adorably clumsy, always getting into wacky situations with its silly antics.
  • Mars will not be referred to as “Barsoom” (which sounds too much like “bar room”), but as “Kaboom”(which sounds all cool and “actiony”).
  • Although pretty much everyone in the novel runs around semi-nude, folks will have clothes and Dejah Thoris (“Disney’s first bright-red princess!”) will be radiant in a flowing gown, even during combat.
  • The 12-foot-tall warrior green Martians will be muppets. Though at first they prefer to solve their quarrels in mortal combat, this will all change when Carter teaches them basketball.
  • In the novel, all intelligent Martian creatures have a certain amount of telepathic talent. Because of the difficulty of representing something so subjective in film, the Martian facility for telepathy is being replaced with a Martian tendency to break out in spontaneous song.

An interesting bit of trivia: The movie is based on the first John Carter novel, A Princess of Mars, which is now in the public domain. However, the movie’s title comes from the last book in the series which, having been published in 1964, is still under copyright. (Though Disney did not have to pay for the rights to the novel, they had to pay an enormous sum to Burroughs’ estate for the title.) If the movie is successful, the next novel — The Chariots of the Gods of Mars — will be filmed using the title of the second-to-last novel, Llana of Ggathol, with only Mister Master Mind of Mars in the middle filmed under its own name, until, finally John Carter of Mars is filmed as A Princess and a Pea of Mars, even though there’s no princess in it.

The Cinema Returns

Thursday, January 21st, 2010

Rumor has it that Disneyland’s Main Street Cinema will be reopening tomorrow. Said a cast member, “This will be a unique experience. If crowd levels tomorrow are similar to today’s, every guest in the park will be able to visit the cinema at the same time!”

The cinema was closed while the old floor was torn out and replaced with a new floor (complete with “simulated” flood damage!)

The Other Side of Mickey

Wednesday, January 20th, 2010

Even though his version of Alice in Wonderland hasn’t even hit the big screen yet, rumors are flying about Tim Burton’s desire to darkly remake yet another Disney classic. If word on the street is to be believed (and, as usual, it positively, definitely is), Burton will be turning his creative eye toward “Steamboat Willie.”

“Burton will retell the classic story from Pegleg Pete’s perspective,” says some guy we ran into at the grocery store. “It’ll be a full-length feature film, and the first ever to be recorded entirely in 3-D sound. It’s not clear whether Johnny Depp will be playing Pete himself or perhaps simply cameo as the cow with musical teeth.”

Filming of Steaming Willie is said to be scheduled to begin in 2014, after Burton finishes the first run of his live-action stage musical version of Frankenweenie.

Disneyland mashups

Wednesday, January 20th, 2010

At the DisneyLies corporate offices we’ve been hearing a lot about some of the Disney-themed “mashups” that fans without fear of copyright infringement have been creating. If you know where we can find any of the following (or other good ones) without landing ourselves in prison, let us know!

  1. “The Tiki, Tiki, Tiki Room” vs. “Go!” by Tones on Tail
  2. “The Beautiful People” by Marilyn Mansion vs. Swisskapolka
  3. “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” vs. “Firestarter” by The Prodigy
  4. Autotuned Disneyland Railroad spiels vs. “Last Train to Clarksville” by The Monkees

And if you can’t find these but want to make your own version, be sure to get all the copyright holders’ permission first so that you aren’t raided by record-company commandos in the middle of the night!

“Flooding” clarification

Tuesday, January 19th, 2010

There is currently a photo on Twitpic claiming to show Disneyland’s Main Street flooded by today’s rains. However, this is incorrect — Disneyland’s fine drainage system can more than handle a little torrential rain. Rather, this photo shows Disney engineers in the process of moving the water that had previously been in the Rivers of America (which has been drained to facilitate refurbishment work) being moved from its temporary storage place in the old Tom Sawyer Island fort to its newly readied storage facility in DCA’s former “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” building.

Remember, just because you see a picture of something on the Internet doesn’t mean it’s true!

Partners statue

Tuesday, January 19th, 2010

Disneyland master photographer Paul Heffalump (sp?) is featured on the Disney Parks Blog today showing off a photograph he took while leaping over Disneyland’s “Partners” statue. It’s a lovely photo, very unusual, and blah, blah, blah, but for sheer uniqueness it’s nothing compared to this:

That’s right, our own Official Disney Lies Photo Correspondent, despite great risk of being caught and ejected bodily from the park, managed to take a picture of Main Street from inside the Partners statue! Talk about unique!!