Archive for July, 2008

New WALL*E Controversy

Monday, July 7th, 2008

Even as the U.S. domestic box office receipts for WALL*E pass the 27 trillion Zimbabwe dollar mark, new controversy is brewing over some of the film’s more disturbing content. “I was really surprised by all the cannibalism,” said Stew Eaton, dubious spokesperson for Americans Against Theaters Exposing Youth to Outrageous Ugliness. “The robot steals a dead robots shoes, which is bad enough, but then we see that he has this trailer filled with containers of parts of his fellow beings, and he uses those parts to feed his own desire to survive — literally cannibalizing the dead so he may live! At the end of the film Eve is dragged into the circle of hideousness and feeds WALL*E bits of his fellows until he returns to life, but when he returns his mind is gone — because he has succumbed to what is obviously prion disease, a condition common among cannibals who eat brains!”

Eaton paused for a moment and asked us why we had stopped eating our lunch, then continued without waiting for answer. “And it wasn’t just the robot! Think about all those people on that space ship. They’ve been there 700 years, we don’t see signs that anyone ages, but there are babies being born. Why isn’t the place bursting at the seams? Because they’re drinking soylent green Slurpees, that’s why! The evidence is everywhere, clear as the Fourth of July. This might as well have been the Donner Party cartoon.”

We contacted Disney’s Ethics Officer for comment, but he was at lunch — and his secretary was missing. Coincidence? We hope so.

Fourth of July Failure

Monday, July 7th, 2008

Main Street was decorated in red, white, and blue, flags flew from every lamppost, all the characters had special patriotic outfits, a parade was planned, and the orchestra was playing John Philip Sousa to beat the band (so to speak). But nobody came. The park was nearly empty. Less than a dozen people saw that evening’s quadruple-strength fireworks spectacular. It was a horrible, dismal failure.

“I guess Hong Kong just isn’t ready for the Fourth of July,” said Disney spokesperson Betty “Betsy” Ross. “Personally, it’s my favorite holiday, but they just don’t seem to get it here. It’s like they’re from some other planet.”

Wall*E and copyright infringement

Wednesday, July 2nd, 2008

We have received several e-mails discussing the possibility that Pixar’s latest star, WALL*E is a proponent of copyright infringement. And it’s not just our readers who see the problem.

According to reporters at Unsubstantiated Rumor Magazine, former Disney CEO and Pixar unaficionado Michael Eisner has accused WALL*E of fostering music piracy by recording the soundtrack of a video tape. Noting that by making a copy of the music for himself WALL*E has “duplicated copyrighted content and distributed it to every sentient being left on the planet.” Eisner says he is willing to testify before the U.S. Senate Commerce Committee that, “the movie suggests to people that they can create theft if they buy WALL*E robots.”

Disney legal analyst and unofficial spokesperson Bill Manyhours responds to these allegations. “In the context of the film,” says Manyhours, “Hello, Dolly! would have been out of copyright for more than 700 years. Under these very specific, rigidly defined conditions, Disney does not see a legal problem with a user making a single copy of the soundtrack of the film for personal use, so long as no copyright protection schemes are circumvented. For the same reason, we do not see Wall*E’s attempt to hold Eve’s hand as theft of intellectual property even though he is clearly doing so in an attempt to recreate the action depicted in the film and this might, in another context, be considered an illegal digital-to-analog conversion.”

Manyhours added that, although he stands by his statements at this time, they may be impacted by pending Disney-sponsored legislation which would extend corporate copyright protection “into the foreseeable future.” He also asks us to remind our readers that making a copy of the portion of theWALL*E soundtrack that includes only the sounds of the portion of Hello, Dolly! that were copied by Wall*E is curently a violation of copyrights held by both Disney and 20th Century Fox, “so don’t even think about it.”

Sounds Closed

Tuesday, July 1st, 2008

Beginning in about a week, Sounds Dangerous at Disney Hollywood Studios will be closed for lengthy refurbishment. Apparently, due to a fluke in a maintenance contract, none of the lightbulbs in this theater have been replaced in years, so guests have been suffering through much of the attraction in what pretty much amounts to near darkness. When the attraction reopens, it will have all new, long-lasting, energy-saving light bulbs, remedying this problem.

Said supposed Disney World spokesperson Drew Carey (no relation), “The show is really much more entertaining if you can see the visuals clearly. Because its name was chosen to minimize anxiety in younger guests, those who have not experienced the attraction when it is in good repair may not know that it not only sounds dangerous — it really is dangerous! Up until now we’ve been fortunate that nobody has leaned forward in their seat at an inopportune moment, but with the lights on everyone will know exactly why they need to remain motionless at all times.”